"my mom told me that she wanted me to go to stanford, and i laughed at her so hard. but then i realized she wasn't joking."
"i'm not short, bitch. i'm just an unlucky vertically challenged asian!"
"college might not work out, but you can always get a sugar daddy."
"the most embarrassing moment of my life was when i went to a japanese manga store with my parents and accidentally walked into the hentai section."
"why do people buy toys for their dogs? didn't their parents teach them not to play with their food?"
"so like are we at that point in our friendship where i can comfortably make nazi jokes with you?"
"okay so the ap test is next week, and we need someone to volunteer as tribute to fall off the second floor of the gym and critically injure themselves so we all get 5's!"
"ugh i was wondering why it smelled like slut over here — it's just you."
"i'm so poor that i sometimes think about jumping in front of sports cars so i can sue and pay for my college tuition."
"one time i was reading about the american revolution and came across the name george washington, and i was like 'oh, he sounds familiar!'. yeah... that's the story of how i forgot who the first president of the united states was."
"sometimes when people talk to me, i pretend i can't speak english. ni hao bitch."