eskaysk

Catharsis.

You were back from Afghanistan. We were older? By 4 or 5 years? And we were talking. The dream was shifting too much for me to catch up…Each scene looked like a beautiful photograph, taking the color palette of that sunrise. You were wearing blue? Then a white t-shirt? We were in a house, an unfamiliar house. I remember picture frames on the shelf of the fireplace. Then we were making love, with you on top of me. We were telling each other exactly what we wanted and it was very satisfying. Then we were talking again. I was saying something along the lines of, “This time, it’s gonna be different because I’ve changed. You changed. We both changed.” And I almost started to say sorry about the past, but I swallowed my sadness and you pulled me into an embrace, saying, “I know.” Then we were on one of those old, fashioned trains with compartments.

Then suddenly I was sitting inside a tank, wearing uniform. You were in the driver’s seat in uniform, with your helmet and sunglasses. There were others sitting, too, but I didn’t recognize any of them. I think we were in some European country? We were leaving base and I was just happy to be part of the experience, smiling and looking out the windows. It looked as if we were high up in the mountains. We were overlooking the clouds, the small town enwrapped in the white clouds, with people dressed up for winter, walking around. It was very beautiful.

Bed time: 1:30 AM.
Wake up: I finally got up around 9:30 AM.
Position of body waking up: Either on my back or on my right side. I slept on the floor because my back is still killing me.
Thoughts before bed: I was studying for an exam. The lab report due on Thursday was on my mind, thinking about how I had to write the methods section. I thought about how easily distracted I get.
Possible moment(s) where consciousness could’ve been achieved:

  1. Well…this entire dream haha. I’ve lost my chance a long time ago. I’m just…surprised that I was able to dream of something coherent, something so well-put together about you. I have been dreaming of you lately, but they were all scattered and momentary. This dream is too good to be true.
  2. There’s just no way that I could ever be sitting in a tank, with you especially. I’m not enlisted. I’m not some specialist or researcher or whatever. I don’t think I’d be riding a tank when I travel to Europe one day.

Updated resume! I fitted the one I had before onto a 8.5 x 11" paper with updated information, of course. I got some really great feedbacks on it yesterday at a networking event! Currently looking for more internships, esp. during the winter in the NYC area so if you know of any, please let me know (X


Also, check out my portfolio!
http://www.behance.net/eskaysk

When there's a down, there's an up.

Life is good.

With the recent events in my life, I can’t help but to just sit back and reflect on how lucky I am. As much as I made the wrong decisions that turned my life into chaos, I was able to find the strength to make better decisions, which ultimately turned my life for the better.

I think it started with the decision to stop putting myself in unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy for me in a sense where I wouldn’t commit if I wasn’t ready, or even “committing” to non-serious relationships. Jeff is different because:

  • From where we started to where we are now, it happened so naturally. We never forced each other to think long-term, and as our attraction to each other grew over time, so did our feelings of commitment.
  • And with that comes with my decision to move on. Right now, I am the product of a really long struggle…I truly believe that I’ve changed. And because of this, I will continue to make better decisions, something I wasn’t able to do before.
  • Jeff taught me the importance of being yourself, not so much making the right decisions so to speak. Who are you trying to fool when you’re trying to change? You can fool others, but certainly not yourself. See the difference? Because he’s so comfortable with himself, I can be with myself. And it’s so damn liberating.

And my rapist was brought to justice. All that emotional turbulence, and long hours of meeting with the police and DPS and the Advocacy Center, the struggle of his and my mutual friends not knowing…It was worth it. I can’t thank my friends enough for all their support, especially those that brought me to the police station and stayed up with me all night at the hospital; and to that one friend who finally helped me make those phone calls and emails. I can’t thank Janet and Investigator Hill enough for their direct involvement. If it wasn’t for them, and for my anthropology and women and genders studies classes, and to those on Tumblr that so ardently spoke out against injustice… I would’ve never learned that I was raped. You don’t think social media can help change the world? Think again.

Also, my parents have changed a lot, too. I noticed it immediately in my mom. She’s sobered up in a sense that she’s finally accepted things in her life that she can’t change, big or small. And that’s a huge change because her need for things to be in control,unfortunately, proved to be destructive. She’s no longer so controlling over where my sister and I go at whatever times. She doesn’t become angry when my sister would act up, or when I would forget to do something, but rather learned to be constructive in the way she expresses her frustrations. And with that, I was able to tell her things I would’ve never shared, such as my opinions on Christianity, this new boyfriend in my life. Of course, I can’t tell her everything because I believe some things are too broken to be recovered. But I appreciate that she tries.

And I got a 3.0 GPA this semester! The best I’ve done in such a long time……

I didn’t realize just how important this past school year has been for me, and the past three weeks at home. I’ve struggled, but I’m so grateful for this uphill that finally happened. When there’s a down, there’s an up. But of course when there’s an up, there’s a down. I know this, and it doesn’t make me feel so weary that there will be another struggle to come. I’m gonna enjoy life and finally live. I’m no longer just a survivor.

And with that, off to my next adventure in the city :D

youtube

The video component for the MAIP! I never liked the sound of my own voice. But filmed and produced by non other than Susan Choe (:

Logo for my friend’s International Business Association at his school. The idea of multiculturalism is expressed through the desire of traveling, represented by the compass. When a member of the IBA presents his/her card to their clients, they stamp the logo to the card, making the business card a “passport.”