escafeismFirstLove

What if? What if I never get over you? What if I woke up and your voice already echoes in my head even before I open my eyes? What if I can see you in every thing, and every place I go? What if that time I was waiting for isn’t certain?–the time that I’ll finally get over you? I see you in my past and my future, and it aches my heart that I couldn’t have you in my present. What if I was the one who broke my heart and not you? I became so damaged because of the fabricated image of me and you that I have weaved in my mind for so long? What if we weren’t really made for each other from the start? What if you were made for someone else and I am made for myself? With just a glimpse of an eye, I witnessed how you turned into a “what if” when all along I thought you are already my “what is”. Was I wrong at that too? For thinking that you have given me the reassurance and certainty I always thought that was here?
—  you used to be my “what is” (letterstoliane)

Balang araw magkikita din tayo. Balang araw makakasama din kita. Balang araw magiging masaya din ako. Hindi ako nawawalan ng pag-asa na balang araw mahahanap mo din ako at magiging masaya tayo, buburahin mo lahat ng masasamang ala-ala na nangyari sa nakalipas, tutulungan mo akong bumalik sa dating ako, yung dating ako na masayahin, na hindi takot masaktan at matapang sa lahat ng bagay. Tutulungan mo din ako na matupad lahat ng gusto ko sa buhay, hindi mo ako iiwan kahit na anong mangyari. Bubuo tayo ng masayang pamilya, palalakihin natin sila na puno ng pagmamahal. At kapag malaki na sila, hindi ako malulungkot na baka iwanan na nila ako kasi may sarili na silang pamilya. Kasi alam kong nanjan ka lang sa tabi ko. Kahit na kulubot na mukha ko, kahit hindi na ako maganda, kahit mataba na ako at maputi na yung buhok ko, alam kong mamahalin mo pa din ako. Maghihintay ako sa pagdating mo.

her heart has been broken before and now she’s afraid to fall in love.

Once she gave her whole heart and poured her love to a boy who didn’t loved her back.

Once she trusted a guy who broke her heart.

Once she fell in love and it was the first time. She thought it will last but she just realized that it never really started.

Once she was a happy and smart girl until she fell in love.

And now, she’s afraid to fall in love. She started thinking that all guys are just the same and that all guys are jerks and all of them will just hurt her.

She’s now afraid to fall in love because she’s afraid of getting hurt.

“If I could have any wish I would be with you now.”

      Shooting stars, eyelashes, magic lamps, wishing bone, wishing wells, 11:11. There are many ways of hoping your wishes would come true yet no matter how or what method that is, our wishes are exact. Our wishes are the desires of our heart, may you mean it or not, our heart only knows what we really want. If someone would ask me what my wish is, I would say “My wish is to be with you”. To be with someone I love. Everyday, every minute of every hour. Ofcourse I have many more wishes but as of now, I am only thinking about you. I haven’t seen you for several days already. I want to be with you right now. Whenever I felt lonely, happy, excited, afraid, or any emotion you could name of, I would always wish that I could share it with you. My feelings, my heartbeat, my thoughts, I want to share it with you for the rest of my life. I guess this is what they call “love” right? Its been years. Secretly loving you. I have seen you in times of your mistakes, troubles, sadness, happiness, foolishness but still nothing changes. I still love you with all your flaws. I still accept you for who you are. But here I am, still watching you from a far distance. Hoping that you would notice. I don’t know if you would feel the same way but for now I just can’t. I can’t reveal it yet. I know there’s time for this. In God’s perfect time, in his will, I know. I know someday it will come. I will wait, patiently……..

“At parang bumagal ang oras. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya. Gusto kong sabihin na lumalalim na ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya. Pero hindi ko magawa. Natatakot ako. Natatakot ako na baka tuluyan na akong malunod. At baka hindi niya ako magawang sagipin.”

Sobrang saya ko nung naging magkaibigan kami. Simula nun, lagi na kami nung magkasama. Walang hanggang saya yung nararamdaman ko tuwing nakikita ko siya, nakaka-usap, nakakasabay pag-uwi. Basta. Kaka-iba siya.

Isang mainit at mahangin na umaga ng Mayo nung unang beses ko siyang makita. Hindi ko inaasahan na siya pala yung babae na magpapabago ng pananaw ko sa buhay. Dahil wala kaming pagkakapareho. Siya ang unang babae na nagparamdam sa akin ng pagmamahal. Siya ang unang babaeng na binigyan ako ng sari-saring emosyon ng sabay-sabay. Siya.

Anlakas ng daldalan sa canteen. Pero rinig ko pa din ang pagtawag niya sa pangalan ko pupunta sa pwesto niya. Pinapunta niya ako para magpaturo ng calculus dahil ilang araw din siyang di pumasok. May mga pinasagutan ako sa kanyang mga test. Tinitigan ko siya. Yung kurba ng mga labi niya na kasing tamis ng cherry na nakapatong sa isang cake, yung matangos niyang ilong na kasing perpekto ng bulkang mayon, yung mata niyang masigla na nagtataglay ng mahahabang pilik, yung buhok niyang matingkad na medyo humaharang sa parang iginuhit na hugis puso niyang mukha. Nakakahumaling. At bigla syang tumitig sa akin at pinitik ako sa noo, sabay sabing “Salamat. Di ko talaga alam ang gagawin ko kung di kita nakilala.” Dumampi ang labi niya sa noo ko at nagpaalam na. At parang bumabagal ang oras. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya. Gusto kong sabihin na lumalalim na ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya. Pero laging dinadaga ‘tong dibdib ko. Ewan ko. Siguro dahil kaibigan lang ang turing niya sa akin. At hindi na hihigit pa dun.

Acquaintance party nun sa school. Palagi naman kami ang magkasama sa mga ganitong okasyon. Ang ganda ganda niya ng gabing iyon. Kaya hindi ako nagtaka nung andaming lumapit sa kanya at inimbitahan siyang sumayaw. Naiinis ako. Naiinis ako kapag may iba siyang kasamang lalake. Yung natutuwa siya na kasama sila. Yung ayos lang sa kanya na hindi niya ako kasama. Pero ano pa nga bang magagawa ko. Ito na yata ang kapalit ng pananahimik ko sa nararamdaman ko. Bigla siyang lumapit sa akin at hinila ako para sumayaw. Hindi ko alam kung naririnig niya yung malakas na tibok ng puso ko, kung napapansin niya  yung pagputi ng mukha o kung nararamdaman niya ang pagngatog ng tuhod ko. Sa bawat segundo na lumilipas, lalo ko lang napapagtanto na mas lalo pa akong nahuhulog sa kanya. Nakakadala. At bigla syang tumitig sa akin at pinitik ako sa noo, sabay sabing “Late ka kanina. Pero salamat at dumating ka.” Dumampi ang labi niya sa noo ko at nagpaalam na. At parang bumabagal ang oras. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya. Gusto kong sabihin na lumalalim na ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya. Pero laging dinadaga ‘tong dibdib ko. Ewan ko. Siguro dahil kaibigan lang ang turing niya sa akin. At hindi na hihigit pa dun.

Dumating ang ika-18 kaarawan niya. Dun nangyari ang di ko kailanman inasahang mangyayari. Kung pwede mang ma-pulbos ang puso, siguradong yun ang nangyari sa puso ko. Ipinakilala niya sa lahat ang kanya daw na una at pang-huling magiging nobyo. Tumigil ang oras sa di ko mamalayan na dahilan. Andun, nakatayo ang babaeng matagal ko ng iniibig nang patago, kasama ang tunay niyang minamahal. Masaya at walang inaalala. Oo. Inlove ako pero unti-unti na itong nawawasak. At bigla syang tumitig sa akin at pinitik ako sa noo, sabay sabing “Masaya ako at nakadating ka. Sana nag-enjoy ka.” Dumampi ang labi niya sa noo ko at nagpaalam na. At parang bumabagal ang oras. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya. Pero para ano pa? Kaibigan lang ang turing niya sa akin. At hindi na hihigit pa dun.

Ang bilis ng panahon. Dumating na ang graduation namin. Ang malupit na pamamaalam. Pinanuod ko siyang kunin ang kanyang diploma. Habang nasa stage siya, hindi niya napigilan ang umiyak pero ang lapad ng kanyang ngiti. Ang bagay na simula pa lang ay nagpalutang na sa aking mga paa. Ang una kong minahal sa kanya. Pagkatapos ay lumapit siya sa akin, at sinabing “Graduate na tayo. Sa wakas.” Dumampi ang labi niya sa noo ko at nagpaalam na. At parang bumabagal ang oras. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya. Gusto ko nang malaman kung kaya niya akong sagipin…

At eto ako ngayon, nakatitig sa babaeng pinangarap ko, habang naglalakad siya suot ang puting damit pangkasal, habang sinambit niya ang mga salita ng pangako hanggang sa dumampi ang labi niya sa lalakeng kanya ng asawa ngayon. At tumulo ang luha ko. Bago sila tuluyang umalis ng simbahan, lumapit siya sa akin at sinabing “Salamat at dumating ka. Bes. Eto. Basahin mo. Baka eto na din huli nating pagkikita.” At binigyan niya ako ng halik sa pisngi. At parang bumabagal ang oras. Pinanuod kong umalis ang babaeng tangi kong minahal sa tanang buhay ko. Unti-unti lumalayo sa akin habang unti-unti akong nalulunod sa pagsisisi…

“…Yung pag-explain niya sa akin ng mga math equations na parang alam niya ang lahat, yung pagtugtog niya ng gitara at pagkanta niya na sadyang nakaka-high, yung mga titig niya na parang ikaw lang ang importante sa kanya. Nakakadala. At parang biglang titigil ang oras sa tuwing dadampi ang labi ko sa noo niya. Tatalikod agad ako para hindi niya makita na namumula ako. Dahil dun ko lang maipapakita ang nararamdaman ko. Dahil kaibigan lang ang turing niya sa akin. At hindi na hihigit pa dun.”

Hindi pumapalya ang luha ko sa pagtulo sa twing binabasa ko ang sulat na ibinigay niya sa akin 10 taon ang nakakaraan. Siya. Siya na bestfriend ko. Best friend ko na akala kong hanggang kaibigan lang ang turing sa akin, ang best friend kong tulad ko rin na hindi maisa-salita ang nasa loob niya, best friend ko na mag-isa ring nalulunod sa lalaim ng nararamdaman niya. Ang best friend kong masaya nang kasama ang mga ulap.

Ngayon ko lang nalaman ang halaga ng oras. Madami akong katanungan pero alam kong di mo na ako masasagot. Kung tumaya lang sana ako, panigurado may napuntahan ang pusta ko. Siguro nabuhay kami sa happy ending na walang ending.

 Ang mga salitang mahirap ng ibalik ay ang mga salitang kailanman ay hindi mo nagawang sambitin. Dahil takot kang magkamali. Dahil takot kang maiwan. Dahil takot kang masaktan. Pero paano mo malalaman na para sa iyo kung hindi ka magbubuwis. . Ang sakit ay kabilang na sa buhay natin. Hindi ito mawawala. Pinag-aaralan lang natin kung paano kakayaning indahin ang ito. Wala tayong genie sa mundong ito para ibigay ang lahat ng kahilingan natin ng walang kapalit.

“Lumilipas ang oras. Baka ka maiwanan kung hindi mo susubukan.” - PNE      


akala | ~STAR(ed)

Of course, that’s your first love.

Everyone can fall in love for how many times they want in their lives, but the first sprint of that love will always leave marks in their hearts. First love becomes so special and hard to forget just like how a child first goes to school, how a raindrop first touches the ground, and how a mother sees her first baby. First love gives you not just memories but also lessons to ponder because of those first times you once experienced.

i. It’s your first hoity-toity moments. Since it was your first time to be in a relationship, every sweet gesture counted. Surprises gave that different feeling in your heart. Messages with those sweet lines and quotes in it, the unexpected hugs, and even the presence of that person, always put butterflies inside your stomach.

ii. It’s your first official date. First love, obviously, became the way for you to have your first and official date with that someone. The moment when you had so many problems the night before your date was a disaster. When you can’t decide the right dress to wear, the right way to do, and the right move to make was an uneasy thought of course. But what matters the most was that, in that official and memorable day, you knew that your looks were never an issue. You both enjoyed it by the way.

iii. It’s your first holding-hands-while-walking experience. Before, it was a dream for you to experience this. That the person you first loved would be so proud of you and hold your hands in public. So your dream came true but there was still the awkwardness at the beginning. You both didn’t know who will make the first move that time. You didn’t know how to hold each others’ hands. But everything became so unexpected. You just hold each others’ hand without any hesitations and you felt so happy by that time.

iv. It’s your first kiss. Ugh, that moment when you just looked to the eyes of each other and you felt that urge to take that opportunity of that first kiss. It was so perfect and romantic. That it was full of love and sweetness from the both of you. That you longed for each other’s lips. That you felt so loved because of that moment. It’s still unexplainable.

v. It’s your first celebration of all the –saries. Weeksaries turned into months. Monthsaries turned into years. And it was your first celebration of your anniversary. That moment when you were too excited to celebrate each days and months of you being together. You had so many plans on how you were going to celebrate the special moments of your relationship.

vi. It’s your first jealousy and distrust. Because it was your first time to fall in love, you were just so protective that every person lurking around your lover, you easily got jealous and then doubted his/her trust. I think, it was normal.

vii. It’s your first love quarrel. Then the first love quarrel came on the way. You both fought because of the jealousy and the distrust. You fought because of the small things you failed to do. You fought because you forgot the dates and special days of your relationship.

viii. It’s your first break-up. First love will be your first break-up of course. After all the love and the memories, both of you gave up. You cried because you were hurt. You cried because you thought it was the first and the last. You cried because you thought that the person will be the one you’ll spend forever with. It was your first heartache and it hurts.

           When I first saw your face, you’re just a normal person. A person whom I never thought that would mean so much to me. It started with a tease, we would always fight and mock each other and I would always tell myself, “Who would ever fall for a person like that? well, even if there is, it’s not me”. Days pass by, I never thought these feelings of mine would go deeper. I never thought I would eat my own words and fall for that person slowly.  I knew it was just a splash of bliss I’m feeling and I’m not really sure about it. Or so I thought “it’s just a silly crush anyways.” And then I’ve admitted to myself that I have feelings for this person. Time flies so swiftly, years have passed, I have stopped loving and thinking about it. I thought I’m finally over it, but……I’m wrong. The feeling still lingers. You can really never stop loving a person, it is either you still love that person or you never did. If the feeling is still there, it simply means, it never left…


           For the person whom I love, you may haven’t felt my feelings because of my inability to show my true self to you, but may you always remember that “From the very beginning, I’ve always loved you.”


P.S 

I love you still and I always will.

M.A

Ang sarap mainlove. Mas lalo na pag unang beses, ung wala kang kinukumpara, basta nilalasap mo lang ang bawat panahon. Ung bawat pag gising mo sa umaga kahit makulimlim ang araw pakiramdam mo napaka maaliwalas ng panahon dahil ramdam na ramdam mong may nagmamahal sayo. Ung hindi ka makakain at makaligo sa umaga kasi ang gusto mo lang gawin eh umupo lang sa isang sulok at makipag tagisan ng galing sa keypad ng cellphone mo habang ngiting ngiti ka. Ung hindi mo na kinakailangan na kausapin ka ng tao sa paligid mo kasi lubos lubos na ung kasiyahan mong nararamdaman sa pakikipag usap sa taong yun. Ang sarap sarap mainlove na kung panaginip lang un, eh ayaw mo ng gumising at hihintayin mo nalang ang halik ng prinsipe mo para pag gising mo nandyan na din siya sa harap mo. 

Ang sakit mainlove. Mas lalo na pag unang beses, ung siya ung nakaunang maka kalmot sa puso mo at wala ka ng magagawa kundi damhin ang kakaibang sakit na bigay sayo ng isang taong mahal na mahal mo. Ung bawat pag gising mo sa umaga kahit maaliwalas at kumakanta pa ung mga ibon, wala kang makitang maganda kasi ramdam mong wala ka ng rason para gumising sa araw na yun. Ung hindi ka na makakain at makaligo sa umaga kasi gusto mo nalang magmukmok at wala ka na ding ginawa kundi isipin ng isipin kung bakit humantong sa ganitong pagkakataon eh ang saya saya niyo naman. Ung hindi mo na kinakailangan na kausapin ka ng tao at patahanin ka kasi alam mong wala namang makakapag pasaya sayo kundi ang pag balik lang ng taong yun. Ang sakit sakit mainlove na kung panaginip lang yun, eh gusto mo ng gumising sa bangungot na natatamasa mo at magigising ka sa yakap ng prinsipe mo para kumalma ka at iparamdam sayo na nandiyan lang siya para sayo. 

Ang gulo gulo ng buhay pag-ibig, isang araw masaya, isang araw malungkot, paikot-ikot na hindi mo na maintindihan kung saan ba titigil ang relasyon na to? Sa masaya ba o malungkot? Ang komplikado ng buhay pag-ibig na parang kailangan mong saluhin lahat ng pana nang hindi ka namamatay– ang imposible, nakakamangha at nagtataglay ng mahika.

Unang Pag-ibig. Natatandaan mo pa ba? Yung mga panahon na una mong naranasang tumibok ang puso mo. Yung wari mo'y may mga paro-parong nagsasayawan sa loob ng iyong tiyan. Yung mga panahon, na sa tuwing makikita mo siya'y  wari bang humihinto ang iyong paligid, at ika'y naninigas dahil sa kaba, bumibilis ang pintig ng yong mga puso, at namumula ang yong’ mukha na halos maging kulay mansanas na. Nakakatuwang balikan ang mga ala-ala na naramdaman mong tumibok ang iyong puso. Naranasan mo na kahit ika'y nasa murang edad pa ay alam mo na ikaw ay nahulog na pala sa taong hinahangaan mo. Ang sarap ba sa pakiramdam na kahit makita mo lang siya sa malayo ay nakukumpleto na ang araw mo, at ang mga matatamis niyang ngiti na talaga namang nagpapaligaya at nagpapasaya sayo. O kay sarap naman talagang balikan ng mga araw na yon. Mga masasayang pangyayari na di mo makakalimutan habang lumilipas ang panahon. 

The first time I fell in love, I didn’t know it was love.

But I was aware of all the butterflies in my stomach rioting inside as if wanting to get out. I was aware of all those tingly sensations that are slowly consuming my body just with the sight of his beautiful face. I was aware of the past-phase beating of my inexperienced heart whenever we are talking with each other. I was aware that he literally takes my breath away every time he laughs so carelessly. He looks so genuine when he does that as if he was a little kid who just won a tug of war.

I used to walk the longer line just so I could pass by the corridor of his room. I would then do my best to take a glimpse of his face as he listens to her teacher discuss a very complicated mathematics lesson. I used to tell my mother that I had to go to the library every afternoon so that I could study more when the truth is I just needed some time to see him because I was sure he would be there. I used to wait at this particular spot where I pretend to review for the next competition because I know that sooner or later he would pass by and I would feel this happiness in my heart that no one, in that time, could give but him. I still didn’t know it was love.

I knew it was love the moment he looked me in my innocent eyes. His brown ones are still the most dazzling I have ever seen. And in that moment, I swore, I didn’t want it to end. I knew it was love when he said I am important to him and he likes me just the same. I knew it was love when I saw him with another girl, holding hands while walking in the corridor as I wait for him to pass by. I knew it was love for it hurts.. more than it should be. I knew it was love because I still wanted to see him after that, I still wanted him even if I knew he belonged to someone else. I knew it was love for it made my heart so whole this day and broke it the other.

I didn’t know how this tale ended just like that. All I knew is that just like the other tales, it has ended with goodbye for the time wasn’t right for us to be together. We were so young, the society would all agree that we should all study first. But then he graduated and continued studying as a high school student. I was left in our little school, the one who witnessed our small infinity and by the time I left it, I have forgotten him. We have forgotten each other. But the memories we shared will always be remembered. 

He was my so called first love, of course, the memories would never die.

I can still remember everything - all the good, all the bad… Starting from how we met and how we broke up. I can still remember how he talks, how he walks, how he smiles at me, how he laughs and how he fights with me. I can say that Love makes a person’s world go round. Love is one of the reasons why a person is happy and inspired. I can say that because that was what happened to me few years ago. I was crazily in love with my first boy friend. I thought he was going to be with me forever and ever. We met in school… He was sitting behind me. He likes to tease me, yeah. At first, I didn’t like him. I always say “He’s not my type!” but then, after few months, I found myself falling for him - my first love. He gave butterflies in my stomach. He was one of the reasons why I wake up every morning with a smile on my face. He inspired me. He made me happy. We talked over the phone, we sent text messages to one another, we went malling together. We were happy. But, if first love made me happy, if first love gave me happiness, my first love also gave me heartaches. We fight, a lot. We discuss things we shouldn’t discuss like past relationships and such. We were immature and childish that time. Jealousy is always the reason of every conflict. I cried. He cried. I fought for him, he gave up. We broke up as if everything has no value. We broke up and went back to being classmates. It hurts. I felt like I was a bird with one broken wing. I felt like I am a pen with no ink. I was hopeless. I was so devastated. But as I look over what happened, I am thankful. For with that, I became a better person, a more matured one. I have thrown away all the childish attitudes I had. As I’ve said, first love gave me happiness. First love gave me heartaches. And lastly, first love made me a better person.

Not because he was the first one, that also means that he’s the one.

Life is in chaos and destiny is playful. Not because you think you found him, that already means he was the one you’ll end up with. Not because you felt the sparks for him for the first time, that already means he was the one for you. Maybe in some cases but mostly… not.

You need to hurt a lot of times, to sacrifice, and to suffer before you found him. The real one. Some people are meant to come in your life but they aren’t meant to stay. You may think he’s the one but who knows? Maybe God only made His way to teach you a lesson.

You’re young. You still have a lot of time. You still have to focus on your responsibilities and more important matters in your life. There are lot of fishes in the sea. For now, know your priority. People are not made just to love.

I still remember the first time we met. How our eyes met that day, our first exchange of Hi and Hello. I still remember that sweet voice of your when you asked my name. I remember every single detail and every single moment we shared. Even if we didn’t end up together, meeting you and knowing you is one of the best parts of my life, the happiest as it my seem.My first love, always remember here in my heart you’ll always have a special place that no one can ever take. If only I can turn back time to make things happen again, because from the moment you took part of my life, words love and happiness began to exist. 

Nothing beats your FIRST LOVE…

No matter how long ago since it happened, no matter how you don’t see each other in a very long time anymore, no matter how worse everything ended between you two, your FIRST LOVE will always be as remarkable as when you have first felt it.

The moment you see his picture or get to see him somewhere after eons ago, you still get those butterflies and you stutter. You still seem to think that everything stops, even time. The fast heartbeats still seem to exist and the way you blush as you always do with him never seem to change. Hearing him ask you how you’ve been is so deliriously sweet that you forget where you are, you just seem lost in the moment. Then when you look into his eyes, you can clearly remember what you have felt that very first time when you started to fall. It’s scary, but really beautiful.

From then on, you cherish that feeling. And the person you have fallen in love with for the first time will always be unforgettable as the feelings that he’d made you feel back then. Your first love is something that even your true love can’t compare to, though they both are special. =)

The Magic of First Love

‘First Love Never Dies’ that’s a common saying. Maybe some believe in it and some does not. But in my opinion, it is somewhat true. In what way?  First times are very special to people. There is that sentimental value in it. The first smile, first sleepless nights, first confusion, first heartbreaks, pains and tears. Mix them altogether, there comes the magic of first love. Your first love will always be that special someone who has a special part in your heart. Your first heart is very different among them all.

No matter how many persons you met and dated, certain portion of your heart still belongs to your first  love. Your first love is always the basis of your standards. When it comes to falling in love.

No matter what you do, the magic of your first love is tattooed in your heart and you can’t erase it. 

If you are married now, I think, once in your life, a thought that goes like 'How’s my first love doing? What if we ended up together?’ crossed your mind. 

And if you are still single now, I guess, part of your heart still beats for your first love. And it speaks like, “I still love him/her, could still there be a chance for the both of us?”

Whether you and your first love end up together. it can’t deny the fact that s/he is your first love who thought you all those crazy emotions and feelings you never felt before.