erin mclaughlin

Inventory of Being

 I am Erin.

I am seventeen years old.

I am a senior with all of my teeth.

An optimist with comedic negativity.

I have been told I have a unique face.

I think that’s a bad thing.

My eyes are large like Chris Christie,

and blue like Mitt after the election.

I’m fairly political.

But I only really care about American politics.

Which is a great example of how I think like an American.

I aspire to be as adorable as Gilda Radner,

as down to earth as Bill Hader,

as smart as John Mulaney,

and as classy as Tina Fey.

Most of all, I want to make people laugh.

Most aspiring filmmakers aim to be directors.

Not me.

I prefer editing and writing and producing.

I have uncontrollable ambition,

stating that I’d like to write a comedy pilot

and (hopefully) work with Lorne Michaels

before I’m 40.

The future doesn’t scare me as much as failure does.

The only failure I’m excited for is failure at stand up comedy,

because that means I gathered the courage to even try.

I am an avid risk taker,

who would prefer to stay at home and watch Game of Thrones.

Or Breaking Bad.

Or Community.

I believe men should be at peace.

and women without yeast.

I have spent my life trying to find the most perfect chicken parm.

I haven’t found it yet.

I bet it lives in Italy. 

I’ve been to heaven.

It’s called the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre.

If I could go anywhere, I’d go there again.

I hate love seats, they’re like mini couches,

that I’m way too tall to lay on.

I’m obsessed with organized clutter,

like my massive DVD collection,

that’s sorted alphabetically by director.

I head bang to folk music.

I love observational comedy

and chicken parm…

 …and callbacks.

I want to train to be an astronaut,

but then I remember that you have to know physics,

so instead, I wait for my pilot to be picked up.

Then I can buy myself in.

Like Justin Bieber did.

That’s the only thing we have in common.

I am a fan of colours.

Bright colours, textures, patterns.

Covering large spaces and areas,

depicted through paint, posters and rugs.

I think my life is a TV show.

So I always verbally break the forth wall.

I’m not a hipster I swear,

but my favourite song is America by Simon & Garfunkel.

I could just put on my black rimmed glasses,

eat some kale,

and listen to them right now.

If I were to die at any moment, 

I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

I’m scared that one day, I’ll wake up,

and I won’t know what to say.

I’m scared I’ll be isolated from what I once was.

From conversation, mutual interests…

I’m scared that one day, I’ll wake up,

and I won’t be funny anymore.

I am Beyoncé.

No, wait.

I am Erin.