erasing yourself

If you went back and fixed all the mistakes you made, you erase yourself. There’s no point to that.
—  Louis C.K.

any of my bi/pan pals feel like you tend to focus mainly on your same gender attraction when you’re online because that’s the part that you have to hide or keep lowkey irl and you use your blog to write all your Gay Thoughts™ but you also feel super guilty because it feels like you’re erasing yourself????? But??? You don’t know??? How to not???

Little by little you must create a fog around yourself; you must erase everything around you until nothing can be taken for granted, until nothing is any longer for sure, or real. Your problem now is that you’re too real. Your endeavors are too real; your moods are too real. Don’t take things so for granted. You must begin to erase yourself.

We only have two alternatives; we either take everything for sure and real, or we don’t. If we follow the first, we end up bored to death with ourselves and with the world. If we follow the second and erase personal history, we create a fog around us, a very exciting and mysterious state in which nobody knows where the rabbit will pop out, not even ourselves.
—  Carlos Castaneda
  • Someone: I am a lesbian
  • Ten thousand fckn gray faces on this hell site: um you said that male celebrity is hot on June 8th, 2007 stop bi-erasing yourself :/
Boyfriend Series; Junhui

- prepare yourself for the GREASE
- for your first date, junhui takes you to the beach and you’re both just walking along the shore, talking about anything that comes to mind
- halfway through the date, you playfully push junhui into the water and he retaliates by pulling you in
- you both chase each other around while splashing water everywhere, laughing and having fun together
- at some point, he takes off his shirt and you’re like OMFG JUN PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON and you cover your red face with your hands
- while your face is still buried in your hands, he grabs your waist and makes you both fall into the water and when you resurface, the two of you are laughing your heads off
- you and junhui walk back to shore when you get tired, and the rest of the day is spent sitting on the sand talking while waiting to get dry
- when sunset comes and you suggest it’s time to leave, junhui says “wait” and proceeds to write something on the sand with his finger
- when he finishes, you look down to see that they’re chinese characters and when you ask him what they mean, he says “i love you”
- and right after he says that, you both share your first kiss
- let the grease begin
- when you’re yelling at him, he brings his hand up to your face and squishes your cheeks together so that you make a fishy face anD THEN HE KISSES YOU AND YOU’RE LIKE ARE YOU KIDDING ME
- but it works and you’re not mad at him anymore and you hate yourself for it
- he says cheesy pick-up lines out loud in public just to embarrass you
- “jun i’m already yours THERE’S NO NEED FOR THOSE PLEASE STOP”
- when you wear tight clothing, he looks you up and down and wiggles his eyebrows and you’re like just leave
- the type to blow kisses at you and frowns the rest of the day when you flick/dodge them
- ALWAYS tries to show off in front of you
- once effed up his shoulder dancing to mansae because he over-exaggerated his dancing during the chorus
- after that, the boys banned you from coming to their dance practices
- teaches you a bit of martial arts for your safety, but during training he pins you to the floor and kisses you
- when he’s sick, he makes it seem worse than it really is just so you’d take care of him
- asks for kisses all the time
- “jun get up we’re going to be late” “i’ll get up for a kiss ;)” “ok i’m going first then” “NO COME BACK”
- the type to purposely send you shirtless pictures of himself and then write something like “oops!! sorry that was an accident” right after
- he ALWAYS walks out of the shower with his hair soaking wet, and his towel wrapped around his waist and you’re like PUT!! SOME!! CLOTHES!! ON!!
- some days he just looks sO HANDSOME AND YOU’RE DYING LIKE SOMEONE HELP DOWAJWO SOS
- insists that you watch the movies and dramas he was in before he debuted
- he LOVES it when you wear his clothes, he’s always lending you his shirts, hoodies and varsities because he loves seeing you in them
- in fact, you guys have matching hoodies and he insists that you both wear them all the time
- steals your phone to take selfies so that your photo gallery is filled with pictures of him
- but you just can’t bring yourself to erase them because you love him so much even if the pictures take up so much space
- always tells minghao about you and when you go to the dorm, you and minghao just tell each other stories of all the stupid things junhui has done in the past week
- you once told minghao you loved his new hair color and guess what junhui dyed his hair the same color LOL
- “minghao you have to stop, (name) might fall for you and we might end up having to fight to the death” “because i dyed my hair????”
- always within a five-meter radius because he “gets lonely”
- he’s always making puns and then laughs really hard at them and you’re like jun WHY
- junhui’s so positive all the time and it’s honestly so refreshing
- always drinks from the same straw as you because he believes in indirect kisses lmao
- really long and slow kisses on the lips, probably pins you against walls too
- he always surprises you with kisses and sometimes you put a hand over your mouth to stop him from kissing you but nope that doesn’t stop him HE JUST KISSES THE HAND OVER YOUR LIPS ANYWAY
- when you say “i hate you” even as a joke he takes it pretty seriously and asks nonstop if you really do hate him and buys you flowers and says he loves you nonstop
- he loves cuddling while facing you because he loves looking into your eyes and memorizing each one of your features
- junhui always tries to play it off like he’s all right even when he isn’t because he wants you to think he’s really strong and he doesn’t want you to worry
- but you know when he’s sad and you never push him to say it, and eventually he starts opening up to you and just having someone he can rely on…… he loves the feeling
- he may be greasy and all, but he does know when to stop and be serious when you’re not in a good mood
- when you’re sad, he gives you kisses on the forehead and tells you that you’ll be all right
- he also takes you out for a shopping spree and treats you for food and just does everything he can to make you smile again because your happiness is the most important to him
- you may always make a comeback to his greasy lines, you may always dodge his hearts and kisses, and you may roll your eyes a lot when you’re around him
- but you really do love junhui
- “i love you i love you i love you”
- “junhui stop”
- “i love you i love you i love you—”
- to get him to stop, you surprise him with a kiss, but after pulling away…
- “wait i wasn’t ready, give me another one!!!”

go out there, love. dance terribly and sing loudly. your heart’s strong as ever, no matter the storms that have tried to ruin you for good. i promise. forget about the yesterdays that followed you here. today, you can forgive even that which has interrupted your sleep. today, all the countries you have lost are replaced in full. today you can rest your head anywhere and remember the women before you who did not die, even when the whole world willed it. listen, love. go on and feel everything if that’s what it takes. so what if the world doesn’t love you back? what does it know anyway. go and save yourself in the thousand ways you feared were impossible.  the war’s not over but for people like us, it never is. breathe deeply, love. keep waking up, even if the days you step into do not belong to you. go on, love. go and tell the river it owns nothing of yours today. tell the sky you forgive its impatience. tell the mountains you’ve survived worse. go on, love. count the ways you have chosen to not erase yourself. forget the ones who made your name a small thing. stay impossibly still or move through the whole country in a week. do what it takes, love. no one out there will make this easier for you. go on and dare to save yourself in a world that has promised to celebrate your absence. go on, love, and hold on to the thousands of ways you have not left a world that has only ever showed you the way out. 

1. Finding yourself is worth every sacrifice. 
2. It will sink in one day that your parents can love you so much and still never understand you. So you take their love and treasure it, but learn how to be there for yourself and rely on no one else. 
3. You will learn things about people you thought you knew that will forever change your relationship and how you see them and nothing will ever be the same again. It’s okay, you will go on without them. 
4. The people who say that they will always be there for you will rarely be there for you. 
5. There are high chances that someone out there loves you more deeply and fiercely than you can possibly imagine. (I would know. Because I’m the one doing the loving.
6. Love conquers all wars and demons. 
7. You, and you alone, hold the power to write your story. 
8. You have the power to erase people from your narrative and to erase yourself from theirs. 
9. You always have a choice. Even when the choices are all unpleasant.
10. You are enough. You are enough. You are enough. 
11. You will wake up at 4 a.m. someday and realize something that will change everything. (It happened me to once.) 
12. You are going to take a shower one of these days and figure out how to do that math project you’ve been stuck on for days. (That also happened.)
13. All it takes is 10 seconds of insane courage and your life will be changed forever. 
14. Nothing ever happens like you imagine it to. Nothing.
15. Write letters to your future self, she needs it. 
16. Learn, as much as you can, because knowledge is power.
—  writerlyswift // things they don’t tell you, lessons I’ve learned
To You, With Regret

Request: A lot of reblogs with comments like “OW MY HEART" and “I need a part 2 plz”

Word count: 1,811

Pairing: None

Part 1

This is the sequel to To Newt, With Love

Requests are currently open! Feel free to send one in


Newt walks into the small, two story house that he knows like his own home. The familiar smell of pine floor cleaner floats up from the floorboards. He clenches his jaw and breathes it in, wondering where he should hang his coat since the coat tree that usually guards the front door has quit its duty and marched somewhere else.

Bulgaria, perhaps, as that’s the last rumor Newt heard about you. To study a Horntail that set up a nest there. He’d laughed once, humorless, when he heard that. You always did like a rush of adrenaline.

He doesn’t laugh now as he turns into the small living room and finds the couch and armchair must’ve marched along with the coat tree. A film of dust coats the ground, dulls the wood’s normal shine.

The boom of his dropped bag disrupts the dust’s slumber. It bursts into flight. The clumps of grey twirl in the setting sun’s light, the same way he had twirled you five summers ago. You’d put a record on and dragged to the middle of the room, forcing him to sway until he willingly took your hands and tried to waltz.

He swallows the memory. He’s here for one reason.

Keep reading

My Angry Gruvia Fic after Ch. 522 & 523 Spoilers

A/N: I just had to write this because I’m beyond upset right now about where Mashima is going with Gray’s “Trump Card”. I still have hope, and I trust sensei. But I need to channel my frustrations somewhere before the official chapters are out lol. 

(I was gonna write a Valentine’s Day special for my OTP, but after these recent chapters I’ve been in a bit of a slump)


Everything was finally over. And as he sloppily got up from the ground, he saw her. She was making her way slowly over across what was left of the battlefield, with Wendy supporting half her body weight.

His eyes lit up. “Juvia!” 

Her sky blue hair was stained purple at some parts from blood, but her face, although twisted in pain and some other emotion he couldn’t read, still looked as pretty as ever. Juvia stumbled towards him while clutching the wound on her stomach with one hand. 

Gray rushed over to her as quickly as his broken legs could muster. 

“Juvia! You’re ok-”

A sharp, deafening sound echoed across the ruins as her hand collided with his left cheek. The impact made him stumble back, and he instinctively brought his fingers to the side of his face, which was now bright red in colour. Gray’s eyes widened in shock, and his breath caught in his throat. But the harsh, stinging pain from the slap couldn’t compare to the look of utter betrayal written on her face.

By now, the water mage had broken free from Wendy’s hold. The sky dragon slayer’s nervous attempt to calm her down seemed to go unnoticed.

“Gray-sama… how could you?” The water mage bit out, tears threatening to fall. 

He still couldn’t move. What was happening? Did Juvia just… slap him? Were the fire and anger in her eyes directed at him?

“Lost Iced Shell?” She said menacingly. “How could you use something so despicable?!”

Her voice pierced through his ears and made his stomach clench uncomfortably. It was the first time she’s yelled at him. 

“How could you try to erase yourself from existence after Juvia tried everything to bring you back!”

Gray felt his blood boil at that, the words reminding him of that dreadful moment when he thought he had lost her forever. His hands shot out and grasped her shoulders roughly. “Who told you to save me? Who gave you permission to sacrifice your life for my sake Juvia?!” 

She threw his hands off and pushed him away. “Yes, Juvia saved you because she would rather have Gray-sama live on happily than for both of us to meet a meaningless end. However, Gray-sama had a choice. And despite knowing that all your friends would be against it, you still chose to die!”

“Gray-sama is ungrateful and selfish,” she continued tearfully. “Who does Gray-sama think he is… to erase such an important person from everyone’s memories!”

“Juvia-san…” Wendy eased her grip on the water mage’s arm and tried to hold back from crying.

Gray swallowed hard in response to Juvia’s scolding. As much as he hated to admit it, she was right. He didn’t realize that by casting Lost Iced Shell, he was robbing everyone’s memories of him without their permission. And he had no right to make that decision for them. 

“Gray-sama…” she sniffled, “probably never intended to share a future with Juvia, that’s why he was willing to perish without giving her an answer.” 

“What?!” The ice mage whipped his head up and took a step forward. “Juvia, you know that’s not-”

“But even so!” she interrupted. “Juvia is not the only one who loves Gray-sama. So please, don’t try to solve everything by yourself all the time. Rely on someone, even if it’s not Juvia….” 

“Wait!” A strong hand found her wrist and formed a death grip. “Juvia, let me talk.” Her words suddenly spiraled him into panic. He wanted to tell her that she’s got it all wrong, that his answer had been ‘yes’ long before he’d realized his feelings for her. But his fingers only trembled against her unmoving hand, and his breath became quick. Why couldn’t he shake the feeling that he was going to lose her a second time? 

The water mage gently pulled her hand out of his grasp and turned away, eyes hidden by her bangs. “Juvia will give up now, Gray-sama.”

His heart stopped.

“Juvia is… so tired.” 


A/N: Hmph, that’s what you get Gray.  >:(  That’s what you get for being a noble idiot!!! Now go to your room and reflect on what you’ve done! 

I’m sorry you’re going through a rough patch right now. I hope things start to look up soon! I’m sending you my positive energy! I hope a small request like this can help a little. Stay strong <3

Bakugo
- Bakugo isn’t exactly the kindest, most optimistic person there is

- He knows this, and because of it, your existence baffles him a little

- You’re always so cheerful! Even when he curses in your direction you shake it off, when he makes a snide remark you turn it around into something nice

- “You’re pissing me off today” he’d snark, and you’d reply with something dumb - “Aw, so you like hanging out with me all other days?”

- Bakugo had no idea how you managed to be so positive all the time, but something about your unending optimism attracted him to you, and he found himself falling for you

- You two were going to work on homework at your place (it was actually a dumb excuse to spend time with you - everyone knew Bakugo never did his homework with someone else!)

- When you didn’t answer the door, he let himself in, a little annoyed that you didn’t come down to greet him

- “Where the hell are you?” He steps inside, and then decides to head up to your room

- He freezes when he hears muffled sobbing coming from the other side of the door

- He barges in almost immediately, “[____]? What the fuck’s going on? Did something happen?”

- You’re crying too much to be embarrassed that Bakugo caught you in this state - “N-Nothing happened,” you stutter out between sobs, “I’m just so useless! Pathetic! I’m the problem. The world would be better off without me.”

- A flash of anger clouds Bakugo’s face, and he grabs your hands tightly in his, “Don’t say that. Don’t fucking say that.”

- “No one cares for me,” you wail

- “That’s not true - I do! But fuck that - who the hell cares about what others think? Be selfish, [___]! Live for yourself, for fuck’s sake.”

- As you cry, Bakugo pulls you close against his chest, albeit a little awkwardly. Aware of his outburst and of your state, his voice is softer when he speaks again, 

- “Everyone feels bad sometimes. No one is fucking happy all the time - not even you - and that’s normal. You’re only human. Don’t force yourself to be happy if you’re not. I… I like you the way you are - your happiness, your sadness, your anger. Don’t erase any part of yourself. Got it?”

Shinsou

- When Shinsou comes over to your place, lets himself in after you don’t answer the front door, he hears your quiet crying from your room

- He doesn’t know what to do at first - maybe he should come back later and let you cry in peace? would you be embarrassed if he came in? You were always so cheerful, after all!

- But he panics more, and decides it’s better to risk embarrassing you if it might help you, too

- “[___]?” He knocks on your bedroom door, and your crying abruptly stops, “…What’s wrong? I’m coming in, okay?”

- He comes in and sees your red, teary face, and worry crosses his own, “What happened? [___]?” He sits down next to you, but does not initiate an embrace, even though he wants to

- “I’m such a burden,” you sob, “And now, I’m burdening you, too… I just… I wish I were never born. I-I’m sorry.”

- Shinsou takes both your hands into his, firmly, but his touch is still gentle. “Look at me,” he says, voice as firm as his touch, “[___], look at me.”

- When you look at him, teary eyed, he speaks again, “You’re not a burden. You mean so much to me, and I hate seeing you in pain like this. You are loved.”

- Though his words are kind, they bring a sense of guilt to you, as though you’re cheating him, making him think that you’re a wonderful person when you’re really not.

- “I-I’m so scared of… of you one day seeing me the way I see myself.” You choke on your tears, “Then you’ll realise there’s nothing here to love.”

- Shinsou cups your cheek, forcing you to look at him again, a gentle touch, “And I yearn for the day when you see yourself the way I see you. A bright, wonderful person. But a person nonetheless, with sadnesses and fears as well.”

- “It’s alright. You can just be yourself. You are good enough. And I love you the way you are.” Shinsou whispers, even as you calm down.

Kirishima

- He knows something’s up when you don’t answer the door, and Kirishima carefully goes upstairs to your room

- When he hears your muffled crying he barges into the room without knocking, looking bewildered

- Embarrassed, too, but at this moment he’s far too concerned for you to be worried about embarrassment

- “[___]! What’s wrong? Did something happen?” He asks at once, and kneels down in front of you, grasping your hands tightly

- It worries him awfully when you attempt to pull your hands away - you never behave this way! “[____}?” He prods you again, this time a little gentler.

- “I-It’s nothing,” you breathe out shakily, still crying, “I’m fine, y-you can leave.”

- Kirishima frowns deeply, “It’s not nothing. What’s wrong? If you’re feeling a certain way, then you can’t help it, right? There’s a valid reason for you to feel it. Let me help you out. We’ll get you feeling better in no time, right?”

- Though he grins in an attempt to lighten the mood just a little, you can tell it’s even forced for him - he’s genuinely worried.

- “I… I just feel as though I… I’m out of place. No one cares for me, I don’t fit in, and if I died then nothing would change. So what am I still doing here?”

- All lightheartedness is gone from Kirishima’s expression now, replaced with seriousness. He sits down next to you instead, and pulls you into a deep embrace

- “That’s not true,” he says, and you realise how shaky his voice is - is he crying, too?

- “If you were to… to die,” the words stick in his throat, “my entire world would crumble. And your family’s. And all our friends’. And the schools’. Don’t say that nothing would change. Maybe we can’t change the entire world - but your existence is precious. To me. To so many others.”

- “And I’ll stay by your side until you no longer feel this way. Okay? If you can’t love yourself, then I’ll love you enough for the two of us.”

everyday messages for women: make stains disappear from your teeth by eating charcoal…get rid of hair by laser destroying your hair follicles… lose weight by only eating milk powder… reduce wrinkles by injecting plastic into your face… taper your nose by cutting it off… minimise frizz by burning your hair… eliminate your pores so no one knows you have skin… narrow your waist by crushing your internal organs… erase yourself to be beautiful

For those of us who spend a lot of time on the Internet, there will be the occasional urge to simply disappear — delete your accounts, roll back your Google results and become invisible.

At this particular moment in time, a lot of people seem to be interested in making that a reality — or at least in trying to completely cover up their tracks. Signal, a text and phone-call encryption app that comes with a recommendation from Edward Snowden, recorded a 400 percent jump in downloads after the election. And while landlords, colleges and potential employers have examined the social-media presence of applicants for years, there are signs that this kind of scrutiny is close to getting much more invasive.

A person’s digital trail can also serve as the primary gateway to information used nefariously, opposition-research-style, in the online harassment of private individuals.

But what does “disappearing” online mean, anyway?

From Belleville, Michigan, USA:

“Where I live, it’s really hard for me to be proud of who I am. I live in a small conservative Catholic town where everyone I went to high school with grew up at the same church. I don’t feel safe talking about being trans or gay or Muslim here.
When I was younger, my parents told me and my brothers they wanted us to figure out what we believed for ourselves, but as we’ve gotten older, sometimes it feels like even they condemn faith. My dad talks about how foolish believing in God is. My mom says there is no way to know. I usually pray in my bedroom with the door shut.

There is also a strange relationship between interacting with the LGBT community and being a person of faith. A lot of my friends have had bad experiences with religion and dislike religion as a whole, so sometimes I feel like in LGBT spaces I’m supposed to ‘turn off’ being Muslim. In Muslim spaces, I feel like I’m expected to hide my LGBT identities. It’s difficult to navigate and neither space feels safe for all of me. A safe space should not require you to erase parts of yourself.

College is the first place I met other queer Muslims and is the main reason I finally felt like I was allowed to call myself Muslim. As someone who has had doubt in Allah, someone who is transgender and gay, and who has a history of substance abuse and suicide attempts, I felt like maybe I wasn’t really allowed to be Muslim. But I read the Quran. I pray, when I have the energy to get out of bed. I want to be my best me in the eyes of Allah SWT.
The most important thing for me to remind myself is that my faith is between me and Allah alone. Islam is not a performance. Alhamdulillah.”

Blurb #34- Joji

Anon Request: Can you do #34 joji plz

“I never should have let you go.”


You had been invited to a house party by some of your friends, not really in the mood for anything, you stayed home for a couple of hours before finally deciding to go. After all, you had nothing better to do and just wanted to do something for the night, after all of the previous nights you’ve spent at home bored out of your mind with nothing to do. Upon arriving, you were greeted with smiles, laughter, and alcohol in various cups. You weren’t in a drinking mood, you hadn’t come to get dunk, you came to possibly have a good time. Besides, if you wanted to get drunk, you could have freely done that in the comfort of your own home. The sea of meshed people became all too much for you, making it difficult for you to breathe due to the heat quickly rising because of the dancing and the sweaty bodies of people. You made your way down a darkened hallway, you were familiar with the house since it belonged to your friend, so you felt nothing of it when you entered the guest room. A considerably chilly breeze blew in through the open balcony doors creating goosebumps on your skin as you made your way out there. The smell of cigarettes engulfed your nostrils as you stepped out into the chilly night. It was a breezy summer night, the sound of the music drowning out behind you as you gripped the rail and lifted your chin up to the sky and sighed heavily. You felt at ease for the first time in months, with nothing in your mind except peace. Turning to walk back in, you were startled when you saw where the smell of burning cigarettes came from. It was him. Not knowing what to do next, you stood there as he stared at you, shocked.

“Hi…” you whispered.

After months of trying your best to forget, to clear him out of your mind, here he was. He put out his cigarette and stood up so that he was a bit taller than you, he gave you a nervous smile as he fidgeted with his fingers.

“You okay?” was the first thing he said to you, “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I’m okay…it happens when people break up. They don’t see each other as often.” you answered, but you knew exactly what he meant.

You managed to completely erase yourself from his life, it was like you never existed, like you were just a figment of his imagination. You changed the routes in which you walked and the routes you took just to get to the simplest of places for fear you’d bump into him. You avoided his favorite places and the places you two would go together. You cut him out of your life completely, and although you desperately wanted to see him, you told yourself not to succumb to your blinding feelings. The moments the both of you shared were lived through pictures, as if you were there by his side, but you knew you couldn’t possibly replicate how you felt. Only time would heal you and it was working, up until tonight. No matter how much you convinced yourself you were over him and no matter how many times you hooked up with other people, it didn’t feel the same. They weren’t Joji… and you wanted them to be. Now, there was a strong silence present between the two of you. With too much on his mind, he spoke not a single word. You were warned by many but his words meant the entire world to you. You were foolish. You felt stupid. You loved him. You wanted him… but you knew damn well he burned too bright for you.

“I never should have let you go.” he whispered.

You were healing… you were waking up each day happier. Not that he made you unhappy throughout the entire relationship, but he had just become so toxic towards the end and you didn’t realize it until he ended it all.

“Some things happen for the best.” you answered.

“You look happier.” he agreed.

“I feel it too.” you said.

“As long as you’re happy…that’s all I ever wanted for you. Even if it didn’t seem like it then, I hope for it now.” Joji told you.

He walked off into the dark room and out the door, leaving you with his words ringing in your ears: “I never should have let you go.”

3

I wish I was strong enough for it [lack of representation] not to matter. It does, I have to admit. It still affects me, and not just as an actor. Movies may be as close to a document of our national culture as there is; they’re supposed to represent what we believe ourselves to be. So when you don’t see yourself at all — or see yourself erased — that hurts.