In the wake of this fierce cat,
Kindled like torches for his joy,
Charred and ravened women lie,
Become his starving body’s bait.
Now hills hatch menace, spawning shade;
Midnight cloaks the sultry grove;
The black marauder, hauled by love
On fluent haunches, keeps my speed.
These past months have been quite a transition in my life. Prior to the new year there was a lot I went through. Being the first out of what i use to consider my ‘close’ circle of friends to transfer to a state university, I felt a push and pull towards the discovery in pursuing through uncomfortable barriers into a domain of open ended experiences. Before transferring to Sacramento State University I was going through a series of young adult appropriate issues in regards to a socio-psychological identity, a spiritual identity, and the confusion of self-love. That internally these issues coming into experience both consciously and subconsciously manifested itself as feelings of unhappiness, anxiety, depression, neurotic-ism. The factors to why this came about is both relative and typical of someone who is in the age of young adult hood. Questions like, is what I am pursuing really for me? What could I be doing for my future that I am not doing now? Who am I becoming? What really matters in life? Another factor that contributed to a lasting confusion was my social life. Particularly the relationships I had with friends, intimate partner, both from the past till the not so distant past. Have you ever had a friendship with someone that you have valued such that you made sacrifices for them at the expense of your own convenience, reputation, because you cared? because you saw that that person was more than what people perceived he/she to be? whoever is reading this, and me, I am that kind of friend and no I am not a perfect person. It comes to a point where you accept the reality that those relationships are not the same. People change, perspective changes, realizing that what I am doing in private and with friends is not conducive to my personal growth. Shifting my reference of happiness from the basic pleasures- pornography, idolatry, excessive stimulation of the senses- video games, smoking, to the pursuit of truth, justice, cultivation of love, artistic expression, reading, yoga(especially bhakti), seeking God and serving God. Despite such realizations it does not invalidate the fun and authentic experiences that I’ve had with those friends. In fact I really hope for the best for my friends and I say friends in this context loosely. I rarely see them and truthfully I feel I need to keep distance for my own sake. Maybe in the future who knows. At the moment and every moment I am not alone. I’ve made some friends at Sacramento state too. As I am typing this I’m over typing this lol. So before I end this the BIGGEST shoutout goes to God for always being there, even when I wasn’t looking he was there. Shout out to Ray Mapeso for being that much needed social,emotonal, mental support, mentor, role model especially when I was stressing out over relationships lol. Shout out to Uncle Winstion for the intellectual engagements that broaden my perspective, for being a mentor, sharing your wisdom and experience. Shout to my sister and sam because sister and sam and their importance is already said in my heart. Same goes for my brother, mom, dad, orion. And shoutout Pravartaka Acharya and Swami Prabhupada, Rhadanath swami, Cornell west for your selfless service to Sri Krishna, that you have ‘enlightened’ yourselves so that others may understand the Ultimate Truth.