The Party: part 9/?

K: Lance, wait don’t touch that!!!

L: What, Keith What are you talking about?

L: Also sorry I got caught up with talking to people, I’ve been looking all over for you, I’m glad I finally found you-

K: But I don’t 

K: Your face is…. 

K: Whatever, we should get out of here-

L: Keith your face what’s the matter with it!?

K: the uh… plant I guess it burned me-

L: That looks bad does it hurt?!

K: Uhm.. yeah

K: …It looks like a burn to you?

L: What the hell else would it be?!

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BODY POSITIVITY IS A MUST!

Hello, my real name is Karin and I am currently 18 years old. It’s been a while since I was born, I went through a lot of things in my life already, unless it has just only started.

I made this blog mostly for my own use, to like stuff what I like and show it around. But also the other really important reason I made this blog up was, because I need a diary. I love to write, because by writing I get my emotions out. All of them… This is my personal space, my online diary for anyone to read. So it’s not really diary, is it? Maybe I also want to give out a piece of me out there, for people to see that they are not alone.  Because you never are.

Body positivity became a REALLY big part of my life these last months. I don’t know why, I just always see people saying, that they are in love with their bodies, accepting them and living with it. Sometimes I think it would be way much easier for me to also love my body already and go with it. But some part of me just doesn’t let me to do it. My memories.

I have never been a skinny little girl. Okay maybe when I was like 4 or 3 years old, but I do not remember that time too much. I do not even know when I gained weight and why, it just happened one day and it became the most important part of my life. You now that children can be really mean and body shame you as much as they can. And that they are kids, is no excuse. I am not saying I was bullied or something, but I’ve heard sometimes not really pretty comments about my body. The one strong memories that remains and always remind me of myself is from elementary school. I was in my eighth grade, we had dance trainings together with boys. We were basically learning how to dance waltz and such “noble” dances I’d call it. There was more girls than boys just by one person. It was our first training and we were actually learning how to dance waltz. And so when we finally understood the moves our teacher said: “Okay boys, find yourself a partner and let’s try it together.” So there was this hum, running around the stage so boys can find themselves a girl. And me, I was waiting in the corner for someone to come and ask me to dance. But it didn’t happen. I was the one spare girl dancing waltz alone… And this memory can always hurt me just so much that I want to cry already. I did cry back then too. I came home and cried to my mother about how ugly I am and that no one likes me because of my body. And somehow this memory always pops up in my head when I am decided to finally accept myself for who I am. But I just can’t do it, because I know if I looked better, people would love me much more. No one can deny, that a skinny girl has a bigger chance to be liked than a chubby one. Even this happened a long time ago, I became wiser and more mature, this still can hurt me in such bad way. I am even know feeling like falling apart because this is just so wrong. I still can see myself standing back in the corner, holding back my tears to not cry in front of my classmates. I now always cry by myself, not even in front of my own mom anymore. I just like to deal with my problems alone, it’s better for me to do it this way. I have so many good friends because I am really friendly and I give everyone a chance. I will never refuse to talk to anyone, no matter his/her race, body shape, language… But I still feel so alone and not wanted anywhere, not being important to anyone as they are for me. And it’s always about that body. I always think that if someone would stand me next to one of my, skinnier girl friends, a boy would always choose my friend not me. Because I know I will never be good enough for anyone to love me the way I am. That’s why I always try to change myself, to look good for others, not for myself. It breaks my heart every time I walk into a clothes shop, seeing all those skinny pretty girls who are able to wear anything in that store. For me, it sometimes takes even 30 minutes to find at least something wearable and fitting, but in the end, I won’t buy it anyways. I never knew love in the form of a guy, and I still believe I never actually will. Because I can’t love myself, so how can I expect someone to love me?

And that is the question you already know the answer to. We have to love ourselves first, before anyone else. Because if you love yourself, you give chance to others to love you too. And I still say this: “If a guy will like you, he will like you for you and not for your looks.” so please ladies or even gentleman, anyone with a body issue reading this. I am putting this out there to let you know that talking about you insecurities isn’t shameful. It’s okay to do it, because it gives other people strength and power to do the same. I am giving you mine, because anyone reading this now is beautiful in their own kind of beautiful. Beauty comes it all sizes, shapes, colors and only the open minded can truly see it. Please throw away those magazines which tell you to lose weight, unfollow people who make you feel insecure about yourself, do it for you and not for the sake of others. I learnt, thanks to the body shame I went through and I am always going trough till this day, is to appreciate everyone and tell them how nice they look and they are perfectly okay. I learnt how to ignore and be confident with myself after this All this memories I wrote about I just let go. For once, I also want to believe that I am good enough, no matter what size I wear. I have friends who love me for me and I love them back with the same unconditional love they give me. And I love you too, whoever is reading this. There is a new year coming up in few days, so change also your own opinion about yourself and your body. Because if you want to start, if has to start with a thought. Like every masterpiece.

 PS: Have fun with your body, because it’s your perfect art!