The Caucasian's Guide To Black Neighborhoods - by NegusWhoRead by The Race Card
As society enters the utopia promised to us in old negro spirituals, the Bill of Rights and Martin Luther King’s dreams we are beginning to witness this country morphing into a true homogenous melting pot. While we are still a long way away from a post-racial America, neighborhoods across the country are evolving into multicultural mixtures of where white people play Spades, Black people listen to country music and everybody hates Donald Trump. Whether it is gentrification, progressive thinking or the result of the pre-Obama real estate crash, more White people are moving into Black neighborhoods. Harlem is no longer an all-Black mecca and there are scores of White people who are beginning to receive mail at addresses on Martin Luther King Boulevards across this nation.
With this integration comes an array of situations that our Caucasian comrades might not be prepared for. Never fear. As NegusWhoRead has previously guided you through Black cookouts, church services, Thanksgiving dinners and parties, we now offer you our latest installment in our Caucasian Guide series–The Caucasian Guide To Black Neighborhoods.
Probation After you have chosen to move into a Black neighborhood, there are a few things you should know. The most important rule to remember is that living in a Black neighborhood is like getting a job at a Fortune 500 company–you will be on a probationary period. For a period of either 90 days, or until someone inside the neighborhood Illuminati (we will get to this later) gives you the stamp of approval, you are a visitor in this section of town. Even if you have a year lease. Even if you have a mortgage. The side-eye that you receive is because Black people are very territorial of their neighborhoods, and we are predisposed to the same prejudices that White people have when they see Black people. However, our race-based skepticism actually makes us nicer. Because of what we see on TV and movies, we assume all White people are one bad breakup or firing away from becoming a serial killer. I know that’s very prejudiced, but just like how your kin clutch their purses when we pass them in parking lots of Target, Black people will be nice to you for the first three months because they want to be the one person you spare when you go on your shooting spree.
After we get to know you, you can enjoy the full rights and privileges of everyone else in the neighborhood. We’ll invite you to the cookouts (but you still can’t bring potato salad or make the Kool-Aid) and even invite you to our church. The only restriction you will have is that you still won’t be able to use the n-word. Never, ever, ever make the mistake of believing you’re so inside the loop that you can say that. Not even the version with the “a” at the end. I know you are dying to say it, so when James introduces you to his homeboy as “my nigga Brett,” just lower your head, smile, stick out your hand and offer a handshake.
Meeting The Neighbors When you move in, the first order of business should be getting to know your neighbors. There is a right way to do this, and a White way. The right way to do this is organic. You have to holla at them when you go to the mailbox or as you see them on the street. The wrong way to do this is the White way. Do not show up on anyone’s doorsteps with brownies or a homemade pie to introduce yourself. We don’t know you like that. Plus, we don’t know how clean your kitchen is. We (probably wrongly) assume that you let your dogs lick your silverware and you wash your dishes in the dishwasher (which is nastier than feeding your dog with people spoons, in our opinion) because that’s what we see on TV. How else would we know?
We are suspicious of all white people showing up at our houses for no reason. What do you want? Did I order an Apple pie? Then why are you on my porch offering me food? Even if your neighbor is a middle class Black doctor, we assume all uninvited White people are undercover police investigating us for the crime of being Black. Am I under arrest? Is there a listening device hidden in the pie? Are you the Feds, Brett?
All Black neighborhoods are commercial districts Because of the disparities in employment, hiring and the cost of regulation, every Black neighborhood has an underground economy that rivals La Cosa Nostra. I know you believe in the steadfast rules of law governed by zoning boards and city councils, but Black neighborhoods are different. According to the Negro Constitution, every street populated by more than 50% Black people must, by law, have a Black woman who does hair in her kitchen. Why would anyone drive downtown when Sherita can do a quick weave while watching her stories? In fact every barber and beautician in Black America started out in his or her kitchen. It’s like the minor leagues for baseball. There’s also a woman named Pam who runs a complete restaurant out of her house two houses down from you. However, she doesn’t sell “entrees” or “meals.” She sells “plates.” Chicken plates. Sandwich plates. Just plates. They all come with either fries, rice and gravy or macaroni and cheese. Other businesses in your neighborhood include the guy who fixes cars in is backyard, the neighborhood carpenter/handyman/plumber/electrician, and of course, the weed man. That’s Al. You’ll get to know him.
Don’t Ruin Our NeighborhoodThe number one rule for White people moving into Black neighborhoods is to respect their culture. You can live there, but don’t gentrify. I know you want to bring in a Panera bread and a Whole Foods, but you better take your white people shit somewhere else. Al’s Deli has been making sandwiches in this neighborhood for 37 years, and even though his sandwich shop’s health rating averages a C-, and he sells marijuana sacks in the back, we don’t need a Subway Sandwiches here. Once white people start showing up, Starbucks follows and thats when the trouble starts. We know what your plan is–to build high-rise condominiums and market our block as the hot new hipster hangout. That’s why we rob you guys every now and then. There really isn’t much crime here, we have just designated a few local guys to rough random white strangers up every now and then as a preemptive measure from overrunning our community with thrift shops, cupcake stores and ironic White college students looking for adventure. We know what happens when you show up.
If only the Indians had thought of that.
Dignitaries Every Black neighborhood has a list of people who are royalty in their little fiefdom. It is your responsibility to get to know these people and honor them with the respect they deserve:
Miss Mary has lived on this block since 1943. Her husband passed about 30 years ago, and she has raised 4 generations of children in the same house, all who became teachers, lawyers and businessmen. Her house is always spotless, and smells like cinnamon and lavender. In her old age, Miss Mary doesn’t get out much, except for her daily walk around the neighborhood. When you see her, regardless of what the traffic laws say, you slow down and wave. Also, every time you go to the grocery store it is your responsibility to ask her if she needs anything. All she usually wants is a gallon of milk. Or some eggs. Or a 20-sack from Al’s.
Big Jack will fuck you up. Big Jack isn’t that big, and his name is probably something like Herman, but he runs the block. Every neighborhood has someone who runs it, and it is usually a quiet, no-nonsense guy who works at the local steel mill and wears a wife-beater most of the time. He keeps everything in place, and makes sure there are no shenanigans. The young guys don’t mess with him and he gets respect from everyone. Get to know him.
The young people
make sure you stay cool with them. It’s easy to do. When they are selling that bullshit World’s Finest Chocolate as a high school fundraiser (which should be sued for it’s lying-ass name) buy 5. Pay them to wash your car and cut your hedges. If you have an Xbox let them play because if you are cool with the kids in the neighborhood, you are automatically cool with the parents, which makes you cool with everyone. This can actually cut your probationary period in half.
The Neighborhood Gossip
She is the Fox News of the neighborhood. Like Fox News, she never has all of the facts, but she is entertaining as hell. She knows who’s fucking who, what Pam is cooking today and any bit of news you need to know. This is probably Sherita and her sources come from her customers whose press & curls she does every Friday. She always needs a ride to the store, usually to get beer and some Remy #9 ( Not the liquor, that’s a type of hair, for all my white readers) but you should always give her one, because if someone breaks into your house, she will tell you who did it and where to find your stuff. From there, you just call Big Jack and you’ll be straight. Trust me.
Pets There is one rule you should know about Black people and animals: They don’t give a fuck about your pets.
White people love dogs. Black people love our dogs. Knowing this can prevent a lot of headache. If you’re going out of town, don’t ask one of the kids in the neighborhood to pet-sit. Your little Fluffy will die. Also, don’t try to pet dogs in Black neighborhoods. They bite. You might fuck around and lose a finger. Black pets are companions, family members and bodyguards. We like our pets mean. 83% of the reason Black people have pets is to warn them when White people are approaching. It’s like a pre-doorbell security alarm, because y’all will just pop up at people’s house without calling. We know how y’all do. You haven’t spoken to your mother since Thanksgiving 1998 but you act like your neighbors are blood relatives.
Also, when your Black neighbor visits you, don’t assume they are cool with your dog greeting them. Again, we love our dogs, not all dogs. It’s a cultural thing that’s kind of y’all’s fault. Between the police dogs biting us during civil rights marches and the drug sniffing dogs locking up Black people disproportionately, we might need a minute to acclimate.
Police When living in a Black neighborhood, one must remember the role of police in Black populations. I know that in White habitats the rule is–the more police, the safer the neighborhood. The converse is true for Black neighborhoods. This is the one area where Black people are politically conservative and believe in small government.
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