enough

The worst part of losing someone is feeling them slip away. It’s knowing that they’d much rather hang out with someone else than with you, knowing that they talk trash about you behind your back, knowing that they have so many other friends while all you have is them, knowing that you’re nothing but a weight they’re carrying around, knowing that they don’t care about you the way you care about them and knowing that you’re not enough. But then again, maybe you shouldn’t have fooled yourself like that. When have you ever been?
—  b.d. // excerpt from a book i’ll never write #23 // never
He looks at me dead in the eyes and asks “did we rush into this” and I can feel my heart drop. I know what he is trying to say, this isn’t as effortless as love is supposed to be. 
I remind myself every day to eat breakfast, brush my teeth and the fact I love him because he knows my coffee order and will hold me when he knows I don’t want to talk about my day. Deep down I know that loving him should be easier than daily reminders, but I don’t want to lose him.
“Maybe we did, but I’m not unhappy with you” I reply softly, as if I was to speak too loud I might scare him away.
“You deserve happiness and joy, not settling for ‘unhappy’, I wish I could be more, I wish we could be more but maybe by forcing this, we are only making it worse” he responds, I can hear how much he is hurting. We are two people that love each other, breakups are supposed to be full of hate and spite, but here we are in love with each other, but just not enough.
“I know you’re right, but let’s just have one more night before we have to face up to reality,” I say with tears escaping my eyes.
I know it’s over, and tomorrow I will be alone again. Maybe it’s what I need, maybe it’s what he needs. Maybe we should have waited a little longer, maybe we were never meant to be together. But how can two people love each other and make each other happy, but still not be enough for each other? How is that fair?
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