enmeshes

Recognizing emotionally mature people

Taken from Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, Psy.D. A summary of the tips the book hands you on how to recognize emotionally healthy people.

They’re realistic and reliable

They work with reality rather than fighting it. They see problems and try to fix them, instead of overreacting with a fixation on how things should be.

They can feel and think at the same time. The ability to think even when upset makes an emotionally mature person someone you can reason with. They don’t lose their ability to see another perspective just because they aren’t getting what they want.

Their consistency makes them reliable. Because they have an integrated sense of self, they usually won’t surprise you with unexpected inconsistencies.

They don’t take everything personally. They can laugh at themselves and their foibles. They’re realistic enough to not feel unloved just because you made a mistake.

They’re respectful and reciprocal

They respect your boundaries. They’re looking for connection and closeness, not intrusion, control or enmeshment. They respect your individuality and that others have the final say on what their motivations are. They may tell you how they feel about what you did, but they don’t pretend to know you better than you know yourself.

They give back. They don’t like taking advantage of people, nor do they like the feeling of being used.

They are flexible and compromise well. Because collaborative, mature people don’t have an agenda to win at all costs, you won’t feel like you’re being taken advantage of. Compromise doesn’t mean mutual sacrifice; it means a mutual balancing of desires. They care about how you feel and don’t want to leave you feeling unsatisfied.

They’re even-tempered. They don’t sulk or pout for long periods of time or make you walk on eggshells. When angered, they will usually tell you what’s wrong and ask you to do things differently. They’re willing to take the initiative to bring conflict to a close.

They are willing to be influenced. They don’t feel threatened when other people see things differently, nor are they afraid of seeming weak if they don’t know something. They may not agree, but they’ll try to understand your point of view.

They’re truthful. They understand why you’re upset if they lie or give you a false impression.

They apologize and make amends. They want to be responsible for their own behavior and are willing to apologize when needed.

They’re responsive

Their empathy makes you feel safe. Along with self-awareness, empathy is the soul of emotional intelligence.

They make you feel seen and understood. Their behavior reflects their desire to really get to know you, rather than looking for you to mirror them. They aren’t afraid of your emotions and don’t tell you that you should be feeling some other way.

They like to comfort and be comforted. They are sympathetic and know how crucial friendly support can be.

They reflect on their actions and try to change. They clearly understand how people affect each other emotionally. They take you seriously if you tell them about a behavior of theirs that makes you uncomfortable. They’ll remain aware of the issue and demonstrate follow-through in their attempts to change.

They can laugh and be playful. Laughter is a form of egalitarian play between people and reflects an ability to relinquish control and follow someone else’s lead.

They’re enjoyable to be around. They aren’t always happy, but for the most part they seem able to generate their own good feelings and enjoy life.

–  © Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C. Gibson, Psy.D.

Bad Neptune

Deception, deceit, and disintegrated boundaries. May I present to you the negative aspects of Neptune in the houses:

1st House: total loss of self, with no definition of who or what you know yourself to be; the identity is uncertain and unstable, which leads to deceptive and duplicitous personas; the person is impressionable, unclear about how they are received.

2nd House: extremes of wealth and poverty; money is an elusive commodity – either it is abundant and divine or scant and unreachable; wasteful and frivolous spending; financial fraud and self-deception; delusions about being saved by money, or saving people with money.

3rd House: a scattered mind and lack of concentration leads to daydreams that distract and deaden awareness of reality; easily hypnotized, lulled by self-concocted fictitious imaginings; shallow mentality with a devotion to useless, esoteric studies.

4th House: early roots are in disarray leading to heavy confusion about one’s own family and upbringing; deep, unshakeable longing to remain protected and safe by parents or parental figures; enmeshment; discontent at home and let down by the reality of the family; unrealistic expectation from domestic life.

5th House: deception in love affairs, which leads to scorned romances and paramours; often aligns with underdogs; over dramatizes life and love, and loses self to glamour due to substantial quixotism; using fantasy, entertainment, and artsy pleasure are used in excess to escape the self.

6th House: ungrounded and untidy, with great difficulty being practical as it pertains to daily-to-dos, which leads to harmful avoidance of work and routine; disorganized living; swamped by health concerns and details; hypersensitive hypochondriac.

7th House: projections and disordered reflections of self; unreal relationship ideals and expectations; tends to glamorize relationships, making one blind to potentially fatal flaws of the partner, leading to codependency; wants to rescue and save spouses and lovers.

8th House: obsession with death, sex and confuse, sometimes scare causing overwhelming emotional wounds, which lead to destructive avoidance and damaging habits; the identity disintegrates into  a cesspool of possessive manipulation.

9th House: optimism, though abundant, is unrealistic and hopeless; restless and fervent yearning for some type of ecstasy and/or heaven; personal beliefs can lead to increased vulnerability to religious misleading and philosophical misperception.

10th House: the career and one’s calling is in a constant state confusion, which causes hallucinations about one’s true purpose in life; difficulty finding position in society, and establishing a reputation that is separate from the identity; bewitched by achievements and success.  

11th House: finds society deeply unsatisfying and wants to wash away the pains of the world, but cannot separate fact from fiction; strange altruism; continually let down, influenced, and enchanted by unreliable, careless friends and associates; acquaintances drift away and apart.

12th House: the ego is overwhelmed, feeling helpless and vulnerable, protected by nothing and no one; an aversion to the mundane causes a comatose existence riddled with seclusion, self-containment, and make-believe; feelings of isolation and victimization are byproducts of inner loneliness.  

Set in the days leading up to the fall of the Berlin Wall, Atomic Blonde takes place in an underworld where the Cold War is over but the conflict continues, like the throbbing of a vestigial limb. In that respect—and perhaps that respect only—it belongs to the tradition of post-war thrillers like Carol Reed’s The Third Man or Andrzej Wajda’s Ashes and Diamonds, where danger and intrigue exist where they shouldn’t and the players involved are enmeshed in self-doubt and crippling mission drift. For the spies of Atomic Blonde, the purpose of chasing a MacGuffin called “The List” has been vastly diminished by world events, but they keep on fighting regardless. That’s who they are.

The degree to which Atomic Blonde takes any of this business seriously is an open question, given how little time is spent on political and existential chin-stroking and how much is devoted to fetishizing the era-specific fashion, interior design, and New Wave music. Yet it does explain why the film’s hollowness is a feature rather than a flaw, reflecting the mindset of kick-ass pulp heroine who submerges herself in an ice bath every night, as much to numb her conscience as to salve her wounds. She doesn’t know who to trust. She doesn’t know what she’s fighting for anymore. But nevertheless, she persists.

‘Atomic Blonde’ Is A Blast

Photo: Universal Pictures

medium.com
Your Pedagogy Might be More Aligned with Colonialism than You Realize
May 31, 2017
By Heinemann Publishing

As an educator, you probably have some pretty strong convictions about what constitutes excellence in your classroom. However, we do not often take the time to interrogate where our measures of excellence and standards are birthed. What makes the standard forms we uphold superior to other ways of knowing in our world? Standard Language Ideology is defined as “bias toward an abstracted, ideal­ized, non-varying spoken language that is imposed and maintained by dominant institutions (Lippi-Green, 2006).” What kinds of biased attitudes to you hold consciously and subconsciously about the languages your students engage in within their homes and communities? Are you complicit in upholding marginalizing social attitudes about language that are rooted in discrimination? Along with this, for the 21st century student enmeshed in the digital landscapes and subsequent digital citizenship through media and technology, new digital literacies are in constant flux. If you have dismissed how the saturation of digital languages and literacies exist in the lives of your students…interrogate these attitudes.

4 Types of Unhealthy Mother-Daughter Relationships

1. Bosom Buddies: This is where the mother wants to be her daughter’s best friend. The relationship is usually warm and close, and the mother prides herself on always being there to emotionally support and advise her daughter. Communication is open, honest and real – which can start to feel threatening as the daughter gets older and wants to erect appropriate boundaries. In this type of mother-daughter bond, the mothers lives vicariously through her daughter and find it hard to discipline appropriately (as she’s too enmeshed with her daughter’s life).

2. Boss and Subordinate: This is where the mother wants to dominate and control every aspect of her daughter’s life. She’s always giving her opinion, making demands, and requiring her daughter to follow her rules, or live up to the expectations she has set. She’s also rigid, harsh and may lack empathy. Although the daughter may comply in her younger years, she is quietly resentful and will likely rebel – either strongly and loudly, or in a more passive way. She may feel she must be “perfect”, have low self-esteem and fear rejection and judgement by others.

3. Rivals: This is where the mother sees her daughter as a rival or threat so she’s always in competition with her. Thus, instead of seeing each other as completely separate people, and allowing each other to simply be themselves, the mother and daughter are constantly comparing themselves to see which one is thinner, smarter, prettier or more successful in life. This is usually done in a fun-loving way, and the bond they share is understanding and strong. However, it can lead to a feeling of not being seen, valued and accepted as they are – and unconditionally.

4. The Role-Reversal Relationship: This is where the mother expects her daughter to be there to support and bolster her. She has no concern for her daughter’s needs as her focus is ensuring her daughter nurtures her. This is clearly unhealthy as the daughter feels abandoned, and grows up feeling neglected and used. As a child, the daughter’s learned she must sacrifice herself and only think others, and their needs and preferences. This can lead to being a doormat, and to low self-esteem.

Exercise: Determining Your Parent’s Type

Emotional Parent

  • Is preoccupied with their own needs
  • Has low empathy
  • Is enmeshed and not respectful of boundaries
  • Is defensively non-intimate
  • Doesn’t engage in reciprocal communication; just talks about themselves
  • Isn’t self-reflective
  • Has poor relationship repair skills
  • Is reactive, not thoughtful
  • Is either too close or too distant
  • Has frightening or intimidating emotional intensity
  • Expects their child to provide soothing and doesn’t think about the child’s needs
  • Likes to pretend they don’t run the show
  • Sees themselves as a victim

Driven Parent

  • Is preoccupied with their own needs
  • Has low empathy
  • Is enmeshed and not respectful of boundaries
  • Is defensively non-intimate 
  • Doesn’t engage in reciprocal communication; just talks about themselves
  • Isn’t self-reflective 
  • Has poor relationship repair skills 
  • Is reactive, not thoughtful 
  • Is either too close or too distant 
  • Has rigid values and perfectionistic expectations
  • Is goal-obsessed and busy, with machinelike tunnel vision
  • Sees their child as a reflection, without considering what the child wants
  • Likes to run the show
  • Sees themselves as a fixer

Passive Parent

  • Is preoccupied with their own needs
  • Has limited empathy
  • Is enmeshed and not respectful of boundaries 
  • Can be sporadically emotionally intimate
  • Engages only minimally in reciprocal communication; mostly talks about themselves
  • Isn’t self-reflective
  • Has limited relationship repair skills
  • Can be thoughtful on occasion
  • Is either too close or too distant
  • Can be kindly and fun but not protective
  • Has a laissez-faire attitude that all is well
  • Is affectionate toward the child but doesn’t stand up for them
  • Likes someone else to run the show or be the bad guy
  • Sees themselves as mellow and good-natured

Rejecting Parent

  • Is preoccupied with their own needs
  • Shows no empathy
  • Has impenetrable boundaries
  • Seems disconnected and hostile
  • Seldom engages in communication
  • Isn’t self-reflective
  • Has no relationship repair skills
  • Is reactive, attacking, and demeaning
  • Is too distant
  • Ignores their child and can be rageful toward the child
  • Is often rejecting and angry
  • Sees their child as a bother and doesn’t want to get near the children
  • Likes to mock and dismiss
  • Sees themselves as independent from others

All four types of emotionally immature parents are self-involved and insensitive and therefore emotionally unavailable to their children. Their lack of empathy makes them hard to communicate with and difficult to connect with. They’re all afraid of genuine emotion and seek to control others for their own comfort. None of them make their children feel emotionally seen. All are draining to be around in their own ways, and ultimately all interactions center around them. In addition, all are incapable of true interpersonal reciprocity. 

-Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults by Lindsay C. Gibson

‘American Vandal’: True Crime That’s Fake, But No Less True

The whole joke of the show, of course, is how deadpan, how gravid, how rigorously precise it remains as, episode by episode, it documents the investigation of an act of phallus-themed vandalism. That’s the goof: All that effort, all that sober attention, all those technical resources that we’ve grown used to seeing employed to examine a heinous act of violence instead devoted to something so small, so dumb, so juvenile.

And it took mere minutes — minutes! — for me to manage to completely forget all that, and become entirely enmeshed, and stay up until 3:00 a.m. to finish all eight episodes.

Photo: Tyler Golden/Netflix

This show has infuriatingly good acting. If you haven’t seen American Vandal yet, check out this review. -Carla

Boundaries 101

We’ve all heard that a healthy relationship has healthy boundaries. But what exactly are boundaries, and what do they look like in real life?

Boundaries are the lines you draw around yourself to keep you safe and autonomous.

Good boundaries are really strong and flexible. When they change, it’s because you chose to move them; you still know where they are and you’re still comfortable with them. If someone else pushes on them, they don’t break.

Bad boundaries are fuzzy and brittle - it’s often hard to know exactly where your boundaries are, and if someone pushes on them, they may shatter completely.

Here are some boundaries that are common to all healthy relationships:

  • Each person has a say in what kind of relationship this is. No one feels obligated to be more emotionally connected, sexually involved, or socially connected than they actually want to be.
  • Each person gets to choose what they eat, what they wear, and who they want be friends with.
  • Each person has private spaces, physical or otherwise (online counts), where the other person doesn’t intrude without permission.
  • There are some hobbies that only one person does, and that’s okay - you don’t need to do everything together.
  • It’s okay to disagree on some things; each person has different tastes and opinions and it’s okay to be different to each other.
  • Some things are private, even from each other, and that’s okay.
  • Each person has the right to not engage in any sexual activity at any time.

In order to keep social systems running smoothly, some common boundaries are assumed to exist in certain contexts, and crossing them without obtaining consent is considered rude or worse.

Some of these “default boundaries” include:

  • Not kissing strangers or touching them in a sexual way, or making sexual comments to/about them.
  • Not asking personal questions until you know someone well - things like weight, sexual history, etc., unless you’re in a context where it’s relevant.
  • Not showing your genitals to people you are not in a sexual relationship with, except a medical professional when relevant.
  • Not demanding hugs from strangers, unless you both are part of a group where hugs are considered a normal greeting of a stranger.
  • Friendships are assumed to include no sex and no romance.
  • Not touching children you don’t know, if you are not their caretaker.
  • Not getting into bed with a sleeping person you don’t usually sleep with.
  • Not entering the bathroom when some else is using it.

But boundaries are more than these default templates - they’re personal things. So your specific boundaries might be different to someone else’s.

Some examples of more specific boundaries might be things like:

  • I don’t know you very well, so I want to wait until we know each other better before I decide if I want to date you.
  • It’s okay if my dating partner comes into the bathroom when I’m brushing my teeth, but not when I’m showering or using the toilet. I leave the door open when it’s okay to come in.
  • If I’m working at my computer or otherwise engrossed in something, I ask that people use words to get my attention before touching me.
  • I don’t like kissing, so I don’t kiss anyone ever and they aren’t allowed to kiss me.
  • I don’t want anyone in my new life to try to contact my estranged family of origin.
  • My phone is private; no one is allowed to read my texts, etc., but me.
  • For date night, I don’t want to go to a restaurant that doesn’t serve food I can eat as a vegetarian.

Establishing boundaries means figuring out what your boundaries are and then making them clear to the people in your life, as relevant.

You don’t need to tell everyone you know all of your boundaries, because some people will never come close to crossing certain boundaries. But it’s important that people know what your boundaries are when they’re in the relevant territory.

So when it looks like sexytimes might happen, it’s important to talk to your partner ahead of time about what sexual boundaries you each have. When you’re headed toward a serious relationship, that’s the time to talk about the boundaries you have in that kind of relationship. When you get your own place, it’s time to establish boundaries with your parents about what it will mean for your relationship.

A boundary violation is when someone crosses one of your boundaries. Some examples might be:

  • Someone sending you nudes or sexually explicit messages when you’re not interested.
  • Someone going through something of yours that you chose to keep private.
  • Someone trying to tell you what you’re allowed to wear, eat, or who to be friends with.

Some boundary violations are accidental, and when that happens, the appropriate response is to reinforce the boundary by making sure the other person knows it’s there. The people in your life should be aware of what your boundaries are.

When someone violates your boundaries, you also need to defend the boundary. That means you have to figure out how to protect yourself from having that boundary crossed again. Sometimes that means a simple conversation to let them know that boundary exists, sometimes it means taking time away from someone, changing the way you interact with them, or removing them from your life entirely. Only you can decide how best to defend that boundary in the context of your life.

Unhealthy boundaries happen when someone is made to feel like they aren’t allowed to have boundaries, and that’s where enmeshment and abuse creep in.

Some examples of bad boundaries include things like:

  • We always end up talking whenever I want to, even if you’re busy or asleep or don’t want to.
  • I make it difficult for you if you try to spend time with friends without me there.
  • I look through your phone, purse, Internet history, or other belongings when I feel like it, without your permission.
  • You are not allowed to have any secrets, even ones that don’t relate to me.
  • I touch you however and whenever I want unless you convince me not to.
  • I think you should go on a diet, so even though you don’t agree, you change the way you eat to keep me from judging you.
  • You give up wearing certain clothes you like because I’m disrespectful to you when you wear them.

When you haven’t been allowed to have boundaries for a long time because of a dysfunctional relationship, it can be hard to know what your boundaries are.

Abusive people who want to take advantage of unformed boundaries will push on the “social default” boundaries to see if you know how to defend a boundary. If you don’t, they push on bigger and bigger boundaries and try to form a relationship where they’re in control. Be aware of that - if it feels like you have less and less control of what’s happening, that relationship is not healthy.

Respecting boundaries is one of the most important parts of keeping a relationship safe, healthy, and consensual.

If you think someone you know has a hard time setting boundaries, give them extra room to set them and be extra careful not to exert any pressure. Don’t expect people in general to always tell you their boundaries - ask outright. “How do you feel about doing this thing?” is how you get real consent. Saying “We’re going to do this thing” and then doing it just because they don’t object may be crossing a boundary.

It’s important to pay attention to whether other people are setting boundaries (or may want to set them but are afraid to), and to talk about and defend your own boundaries as well, so everyone in the relationship feels safe and happy.

❝ ░ ADVENTURE TIME; STARTER SENTENCES.

  • ❛ Everything ahead of us is totally unknown. ❜
  • ❛ Sucking at something is the first step towards being sorta good at something. ❜
  • ❛ Sometimes life is scary and dark. ❜
  • ❛ People get built different. We don’t need to figure it out, we just need to respect it. ❜
  • ❛ I don’t need to feel like I’m waiting to be noticed. ❜
  • ❛ I’ll still be here tomorrow to high five you yesterday, my friend. ❜
  • ❛ Is that where creativity comes from? From sad biz? ❜
  • ❛ No one flicks me in the butt without my consent! ❜
  • ❛ Homies help homies. Always. ❜
  • ❛ You got to focus on what’s real, man. ❜
  • ❛ Responsibility demands sacrifice. ❜
  • ❛ People make mistakes. It’s a part of growing up. ❜
  • ❛ It’s hard to step outside yourself when you are enmeshed with another being. ❜
  • ❛ You contain the soul memory of a million dead stars. ❜
  • ❛ Don’t you always call sweatpants ‘give up on life pants,’ _____? ❜
  • ❛ Something weird might just be something familiar viewed from a different angle. ❜
  • ❛ Mathematical! ❜
  • ❛ Whoa! Algebraic! ❜
  • ❛ I’ll slay anything that’s evil. That’s my deal! ❜
  • ❛ I’m not righteous. I’m wrong-teous. Stupid-teous. ❜
  • ❛ I feel radder, faster… more adequate! ❜
  • ❛ Youth culture forever! ❜
  • ❛ Are you gonna smash my skull and breathe my blood mist? ❜
  • ❛ No worms on the bed! ❜
  • ❛ Get ready for an uppercut, you dog! ❜
  • ❛ Stealing’s wrong, doofus! ❜
  • ❛ Holy stuff! It talked! Wow-cow-chow! ❜
  • ❛ What?! You gotta be flipping kidding me! ❜
  • ❛ I’m no wuss! I’m the hero around these parts! ❜
  • ❛ Eat my sword, _____! ❜
  • ❛ I’m weddy for the wedding. ❜
  • ❛ Heh. Yeah, right. That sounds like idiot talk. ❜
  • ❛ How did you almost know my name? ❜
  • ❛ All aboard the knuckle train to Fist Planet! ❜
  • ❛ Imagination is for turbo-nerds who can’t handle how kick-butt reality is! ❜
  • ❛ That riddle sucks. ❜
  • ❛ I’ll just read this book about pigs. ❜
  • ❛ Everything small is just a small version of something big! I understand everything! ❜
  • ❛ Up, down, left, left, right, right, down, spin, down, up, left, right, left, down, spin, up, down, jump! ❜
  • ❛ Come on, man! That’s pervy! ❜
  • ❛ Easy as childbirth. ❜
  • ❛ Dude, I think I have a crush. ❜
  • ❛ Do the splits, thou milk-livered maggot pie! ❜
  • ❛ Oh crab it to the butternuts, it’s locked! ❜
  • STOP TALKING LIKE A NERD AND GIVE IT TO US STRAIGHT!
  • ❛ I’ve been going foot nude in the shoe and now I got this turbo huge callous. ❜
  • ❛ We’re documenting our creative flow in case we make a break through. ❜
  • ❛ That road you’re on leads to nowhere. ❜
  • ❛ You wanna join my primitive noise band? ❜
  • ❛ Roll the dice, you pay the price. ❜
  • ❛ C'mon bro, taking pain is easy. You just have to imagine that every bruise is a hickey from the Universe. And everyone wants to get with the Universe. ❜
  • ❛ It was weird but I liked it. ❜
  • ❛ Actually, I think I’m beating it back with sheer willpower. ❜
  • ❛ Hey! Crack open that book and read something for fun’s sake, alright? ❜
  • ❛ You know what they remind me of? Well-dressed pickles. ❜
  • ❛ This dolphin fell in love with me! ❜
  • ❛ I’d rather be dancin’ with some babes! ❜
  • ❛ My subconscious must be hungry, huh? ❜
  • ❛ I can’t have you messin’ up my bread and butter, dude. ❜
  • ❛ Heh heh. I can’t take you seriously when you’re singing, man. ❜
  • ❛ Dude, be calmed by my saliva. ❜
  • ❛ I’m not cute, I’ll mess you up. ❜
  • ❛ Dude, let’s kill the horse. ❜
  • ❛ You don’t just read the poetry to understand it, you got to feel it. ❜
  • ❛ Girl, you smell good. Did you take a bath in rainbows and cupcakes? ❜
  • ❛ And what if we turn evil? I’ll have to start wearing cologne. ❜
  • ❛ I love you, everything burrito. ❜
  • ❛ Oh, I’m coming with you… if only to be disruptive and obnoxious! ❜
  • ❛ I dreamed I was in kindergarten again, but I had really big feet, and was also the teacher. ❜
  • ❛ I wish for… a sandwich! ❜
  • ❛ That’s it! The answer was so simple, I was too smart to see it! ❜
  • ❛ I should not have drunk that much tea! ❜
  • ❛ I’d never forgive anybody who did this to me! ❜
  • ❛ Give me a hug, hero. ❜
  • ❛ I never said you had to be perfect! ❜
  • ❛ Yeah, I’m good! Haven’t slept for solid eighty-three hours, but yeah, I’m good. ❜
  • ❛ I’ve seen some stuff that would really make you say 'like what?’ ❜
  • ❛ I’m not mean. I’m a thousand years old, and I just lost track of my moral code. ❜
  • ❛ I wrote this next song about a fisherman. ❜
  • ❛ Vampires can’t beat ghosts. It’s like a rock-paper-scissors thing. ❜
  • ❛ I’m hurting you because I love you. ❜
  • ❛ Yeah, I want you to be proud. I want you to be proud of me! ❜
  • ❛ I am incapable of emotion, but you are making me chafed! ❜
  • ❛ Who wants to play video games? ❜
A translation

Noora: “He opened up completely… I don’t know what I was doing before, but I understand how he thinks now.”

Translation: My boyfriend who is supposed to love me shamed me so much over MY emotional response to MY sexual assault that I became a nervous wreck, always walking on eggshells so that he doesn’t stop loving me because MY sexual assault became about how HE was the victim. I was so terrified of his emotional manipulation and gaslighting that I fled the country in the middle of the night so he couldn’t stop me and convince me to stay. Then, I chose not to contact him for months because I didn’t trust myself not to get enmeshed. Then, he showed up and physically intimidated me, took over my personal space, and used my attraction to him as a weapon. He explained to me about how all my actions and feelings were wrong and how he was misunderstood and he’d been right all along. I now know that I hurt him by having an incorrect response to my own emotions and trauma and that true love MEANS walking on eggshells out of terror of doing something wrong and being abandoned. It’s totally fine that he uses leaving me/emotionally detaching from our relationship as a sword of Damocles. We’re so happy!

Book Recommendations for Each Type

ISFP: The Illustrated Lark Rise to Candleford  (Flora Thompson)
Punctuated with beautiful watercolour paintings, this whimsical memoir details hamlet life in the late Victorian era. 

ISTP: Into Thin Air (Jon Krakauer)
A raw, real book about the risks mountaineers know they take.

ISFJ: Please Look After Mom (Kyun-Sook Shin)
After their mother disappears in a crowded Seoul train station, a family looks back on all she has done for them.

ISTJ: The Ministry of Fear (Graham Greene)
During the Second World War, a man named Arthur Rowe purchases a cake. This action comes back to haunt him…

INFP: A Face Like Glass (Frances Hardinge)
Probably my favourite fantasy book. Neverfell stumbles into the luxurious subterranean world of Caverna, which is populated by denizens whose faces do not show emotion. 

INFJ: H is for Hawk (Helen MacDonald)
Helen Macdonald’s autobiographical account of her struggle to successfully train a goshawk and the discoveries she makes along the way.

ESFP: Love Poems (Pablo Neruda)
“if each day a flower/ climbs up your lips to seek me/ ah my love, ah my own/ in me all that fire is repeated”

ESTP: The Pleasures of the Damned (Charles Bukowski)
Charles Bukowski’s poems are raw and real, no frills added depictions of city life and the human condition.

ESFJ: Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
Elizabeth Bennet develops a prejudice for haughty Mr. Darcy. Everyone gets what they so richly deserve.

ESTJ: The Woman In White (Wilkie Collins)
A woman in white escapes from an insane asylum. A sinister plot haunts the inhabitants of Limmeridge House.

ENFP: Love in the Time of Cholera (Gabriel García Márquez)
This is my personal favourite and it’s the one I’m reading right now. Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Nobel laureate, describes the decades-long passion of Florentino Ariza and Fermina Daza.

ENTP: Is That A Fish In Your Ear? (David Bellos)
David Bellos’ humorous, insightful guide to the intricacies of translation.

ENFJ: Madame Bovary (Gustave Flaubert)
When a young country girl marries a struggling doctor, she enmeshes herself in adultery to escape the crippling boredom of poverty.

ESTJ: The Once and Future King (T.H. White)
The Arthurian legend retold in splendour and sadness–a romp as well as a tragedy.

i think if one is really honest in their political radicalism, if one follows through on one’s analysis of, say, capitalism or the nation state, one has to recognize that one is enmeshed in the weave of social relations which uphold these dominating structures. one has to recognize that, independent of one’s personal beliefs or desires, by virtue of existing in a society that existence makes one complicit in both one’s own binding and in the domination of others. there are lots of differences between individuals and classes that affect position in and the terms of one’s binding in the social structure, but there is no amount of personal purification, no moral high ground to attain to, that will allow one to slip free of the bind and one’s complicity in the domination of others.

what i’m trying to get at is, that if one is really honest as a radical, one has to adopt a compassionate attitude to people who don’t share one’s political analysis or one’s energy for activism, but still believe people deserve freedom and dignity. we have to convince people committed to these values that our vision - of a world in which we are free to live wherever we like and our ability to care for our sick and to feed, clothe and house ourselves with dignity are not tied to our ability to generate money for someone else - is in fact our goal, and is attainable if we work together. we can’t do that if we treat people as if they are impediments if they aren‘t quite on the same page as us, if we laugh at their losses (which are losses for us as well), if we make them feel like we see them as enemies. perhaps ironically, what i’m trying to say is a lot of self-described radicals aren’t radical enough.

reaper76 should be canon

i’m biased cuz i’m literal r76 garbage but

think about it

two traditionally masculine characters enmeshed in military culture, which is itself very conservative. Muscular, gravelly voiced, macho men’s men archetypes who are all of that but defy convention by also being in relationships with men.

if they’re bi/pan/gay, that would be a huge dick punch to stereotypes. Now I’m all for Lena/Emily. don’t get me wrong. give me all the queer ladies gdi. but in the comic, they’re non threatening to the average shitbaby gamer. now blizz did a great thing by showing lena and emily as being normal people who belong in their world. they’re not unusual. they’re two ladies drinking tea or some english bullshit and gifting scarves, which is the most fucking english chick thing to do tbh

now let’s take that good ol’ gay train and keep it moving

jack and gabriel in a past relationship. not just two soldiers, but the Golden Haired Boy trope which is the bastion of all fucking conservative whiteness ever. plus

plus

a complex, interesting afro-latino man interested in other men.

look at the lgbt movement. the gay representation in that equation? still white as fuck. not only that, but you got an interracial relationship going on

is that still important? do ppl still make a big deal out of it?

fucking right they do

so alllllll across the board, Jack Morrison and Gabriel Reyes hooking up would put a fist through a bunch of dumbass stereotypes all at once and upset all the entitled assholes who try their damnedest to sideline this content cuz omg it’s two guys and that’s gay

My point is

Blizzard, pls

do it

anonymous asked:

blurb of harry teaching you to play guitar??? a smutty one please??? ;)

CAN YOU WRITE something thats about him in the studio and he’s jokingly like “hey babe wanna go sing in the booth” and your like sure haha and then you’re actually really amazing at singing and him and the producer are amazed… my dream blurb lmaoo thankyou susie!!!!! ❤️🎶

Joined these two.  Enjoy

Two months in Jamaica sounded like a dream.  No one there to bother you, limited phone calls, text messages and emails.  It was falling off the grid on a deliciously necessary level.  Only it wasn’t for you.  Your boyfriend, Harry Styles, had been gone that long recording his first solo CD.  

To be honest, you had been slightly hurt when he informed you of the plan.  Jamaica sounded amazing and fun and holy shit did you need a vacation.  But he needed to be alone.  He needed to focus.  And you understood that.

You’d had a front row seat to his misgivings and doubts about going solo.  Did he have anything to say?  Enough to fill up an entire album?  Would anyone want to hear it?  Dunkirk had been a blessing in disguise because it allowed Harry to go off and do something different for five months.  His perspective upon his return had been cleared up entirely.

Filming the movie was fun.  He had a good time.  He’d do it again.

But music was where his heart lay.

Keep reading

sokkasfriendlymushroom  asked:

¡Hola, Cassie! I have a question about Julian and Cristina. They've been my favorite characters. Julian, so sweet, suffering and sad; and Cristina, that I felt it as the heart of the book and its characters. But as I read TDA, I had the impression that Cristina and Julian haven't developed any friendship. A pleasant companionship, perhaps, but not friendship. So, we'll can see a deep friendship between Julian and Cristina in LoS? Muchos besos.

I’m delighted you like Jules and Cristina! I would say pleasant companionship describes it pretty well. Which isn’t to say that they will never deepen their friendship, but Julian has exactly one friend: Emma, who he trusts because he has known her all his life. Right now, under the burden of all his secrets, it is nigh impossible for him to make friends outside his family. As for Cristina, she is Emma’s friend, her very close friend, the person in whom Emma confides about Julian. It would be very difficult for Cristina to become Julian’s deep friend and retain Emma’s total trust and confidence.

 It’s totally normal to want your favorite characters to be friends, but characters do have loyalties and come with previous baggage. There is a primacy of other relationships in Cristina’s life — Jaime; Mark; Emma; Kieran; Diego, all of whom are deeply enmeshed in her life in LoS. Not to say she and Julian won’t be friends, just to say there’s a reason for their distance.

anonymous asked:

Do you think that Rose and Kanaya were originally going to be moirails, and that their being girlfriends was OOC and detrimental to their characters? Generally, what do you think of rosemary?

Well, it’s @rosemarymonth and I’ve wanted to talk about Rosemary and why I think the canon gets WAY too little credit with regards to their execution for ages so I may as well do it now. 

Keep in mind, of course, that I am a dude and in no way want any wlw to feel I’m shutting down critiques of Homestuck’s flaws in this regard. I think that’s perfectly valid, this is just my reading. I’ll be interested in seeing what people have to say. 

I don’t get to talk about Rosemary enough anyway, so I’ll also take you up on it and go over why I love Rosemary and why I think readings that they were “meant to be moirails” and “go ooc” is straight up just misreading the text, because the comic is actually pretty clear in broadcasting its intent.

Keep reading

Viking Gripping Beasts Pendant, 10th Century AD

A large silver openwork discoid pendant with integral T-shaped tubular loop; raised gusseted rim enclosing a pair of S-shaped beasts with billetted bodies and comma-shaped tails, enmeshed gripping paws clutching the rim and their own bodies.

Despite the long period of overlap of Borre and Jellinge art styles, there are only few examples of their fusion. The principal and most popular motif of the Borre style displays an animal with gripping paws, usually enmeshed in a circular frame, while a typical Jellinge style beast is more slender with long, S-shaped body and ribbon decoration. The most famous example of a pendant featuring a fusion of these styles was found in a hoard from Vårby (Sweden), formed as a circle with a pair of Jellinge-style beasts with ribbon-shaped bodies in profile and heads with open jaws and extended tongues; however, each is provided with gripping paws and an enmeshed body, which are typical features of the Borre style. A few examples of these pendants were also found near the important trading settlement of Gnezdovo, near Smolensk, Russia.

Why Discovery feels like Star Trek

It’s very difficult to describe the indescribable aspects of a TV series that make it “feel” like itself.  That’s part of the reason that we use such a vague term as “feel” in the first place.  But I’m going to give it my best effort.

First, I have to admit that on most of its bulletpoints, Star Trek: Discovery doesn’t match what a Star Trek series is “supposed” to be.

  • It’s the first story that doesn’t revolve around the commander of their mission.  Even the ‘09 film focused its plot around getting Kirk into the role of Captain, even though it made no sense (Don’t even get me started on him being promoted to Captain at the end of the film).
  • Its lead character is a pariah who’s been forced out of Starfleet and is reviled by the rest of the crew for acts that we see.  Even VOY had its convict as only a supporting character and had him “redeemed” in the pilot, and it infamously dropped the inter-personal conflicts that were supposed to arise from Starfleet/Maquis tension.
  • Lastly, it’s the first Star Trek series to revolve directly around the Federation at War.  Even DS9 – which spent it’s final two seasons featuring a five-sided conflict which spanned the Quadrant – spent five seasons building that up, and used the conflict to explore the social and political climate and events which permeated the galaxy before it ever got to the explosions.

However, despite all of these divergences from past productions, it still feels like Star Trek.  Whatever “it” is, Discovery has it.  Because…

  1. It has the Roddenberry Optimism that people try to say it’s missing, despite being more actionized than what came before.  This was best encapsulated in the scene where Michael is exploring the Unidentified Object before everything goes to shit: She is in awe.  She stares at the space around her, and the mysterious object before her, and all she wants to do is learn what it is.  She wants to understand.  She’s not hoping to get a reward or promotion or prize for being The First, her desire is knowledge for the sake of knowledge.  That one scene held the very concept of Star Trek in a nutshell: She is, quite literally, boldly going to seek out a new civilization.
  2. Beyond that one scene, there was the introduction where she and Captain Georgiou were saving the aliens from extinction.  They discussed the Prime Directive, the need to not contaminate the culture of the aliens they were helping, but their resulting decision wasn’t to just let them all die.  They made the decision to help without being discovered so that the aliens could continue to develop on their own.  As Kirk and Co. so often did in TOS, they remembered the point of the Prime Directive: To protect less-advanced species from us, not from natural phenomena beyond their control.
  3. Outside of any one specific scene, the show has also shown that it is not scared of the continuity and history of Star Trek.  Throughout the first three episodes they include enough references to past continuity that you know the writers/directors/production designers/etc. have watched every bit of Trek media there is, and read the books, and played the games as well.  And I don’t mean that they’ve proved that they’re “real” fans or anything shallow like that, I mean that they’re not ashamed to be a fan.
  • For example, they reference the Black Fleet in the very first episode, a concept of the Klingon afterlife introduced in a TOS novel published in 1984 but which never made it on-screen.  The context of the speech is self-explanatory enough that you don’t miss out on understanding this series if you haven’t read that novel – heck, I haven’t read that novel – but it helps enmesh the show into the greater community for those who do know all those tiny details.  Like when Picard gushes over meeting Sarek and Spock, or when Sisko breaks the Temporal Prime Directive to shake Kirk’s hand, it says that the producers get it.  They’re not defensively trying to say that they’re not like the nerd Trek that losers watch, they’re saying that they love the established universe just as much as the TNG-era loved TOS.

And yes, Michael is scarred by the death’s of her parents and has a very un-Federation hate for the Klingons, but that’s no different than Worf’s grudge against the Romulans (Speaking of, there are huge parallels between Michael and Worf.  Enough for a whole other post).  Or even Lieutenant Stiles from “Balance of Terror” and his grudge against the Romulans.  Or even James Kirk himself, whose beef with the Klingons over the death of his son was a major theme of The Undiscovered Country.

Yes, Starfleet is engaging in a front-line war instead of resolving the situation diplomatically, but that’s no different than “Errand of Mercy”, the very first introduction of the Klingons, where war also broke out between the two powers.  It’s no different than the ongoing border conflict the Federation had with the Cardassians, which ran for years and wasn’t completely resolved even with a treaty.

And yes, with the close of episode three we’re getting very strong “Captain Lorca is eeeeeeeviiiiiiillllllll” hints by the show, but Starfleet officials running unethical experiments has been a worn out concept from the very beginning.

All of the story developments that people decry as being unlike Star Trek have been there all along, from the original series to the TNG era.  The idea of a Starfleet that always manages to avoid violence is an idealized Starrfleet that has never actually existed.  And it’s not just a fan idealization, it’s an idealization in-universe as well.  Seasons one and two of TNG had Picard constantly talking about how advanced they were, how they were ready to handle whatever was out there, but then when they came face-to-face with the Borg they were completely unprepared and had to fall back on violence when they had no viable means of communication or negotiation.  Afterwards they began a fleet-wide armament and combat preparation as well when they saw that they weren’t as advanced as they thought they were.

Everything that we’re getting in this show is exactly what we’ve been getting all along: People who don’t want to fight, and who aren’t violent or bad people, but who are nonetheless human and carry the experiences of their lives with them, and who will use violence in their defense and the defense of their loved ones.  Just like Captains James T. Kirk, Jean-Luc Picard, Benjamin Sisko, Kathryn Janeway, and god-help-me even Jonathan Archer.

Star Trek: Discovery is Star Trek.

The biggest lie.

You might have to bear with me a second here. Not a lot of people want to hear this. Especially Mums.. especially people who don’t want to admit it to themselves. Take a deep breath and try to listen. 

Not all mothers love their children. 

There, I said it. Was it so bad? The idea that mothers are saints, that deserve their place on a pedestal, is the biggest lie there is. 

Not all mother love their children.

People tend to believe the extremes. We see stories on the news all the time of how, a mother physically abused her own child. We mostly hear about those who die. We don’t hear it too often and we are so thankful for that. 

It’s not black and white. 

We aren’t talking about a “mentally ill” few, like mental illness makes people aggressive or damaging or abusive and, we can just write those mothers off as mentally ill and, the rest are just wonderful. Mentally ill people generally aren’t that dangerous. Mental illness isn’t to blame here. What is to blame is mothers who don’t love their children, and just how much anger and resentment they think they can take out on their own child. 

There aren’t just good and loving mothers and the newsworthy murderous kind. There are so so many shades in between. 

Unloving mothers come in many shapes and forms.

There are mothers who deny their child’s physical or sexual abuse by a partner in order to keep the partner. 

There are mothers who beat their child, just enough, that the child accepts it as just and fair because, oh how many times has their mother told them they are to blame and they deserve it. 

There are mothers who, just ignore their child’s emotional needs and give them as much love and warmth as a robot whilst meeting all their basic needs like food and shelter.  

There are mothers who enmesh themselves so desperately close to their child that the child does not know where their mother ends and they begin. 

There are mothers who despise their own children. Who are jealous and vindictive and competitive. 

There are mothers who are cruel and manipulative and brainwash their own children into accepting it because, they enjoy inflicting that pain and it helps them to hide their real self from the rest of the world. 

There are mothers who embody some of these things or all of these things, at different stages or even at different times of the day.  

There are mothers whose cruelty, neglect and lack of empathy drive their own children to suicide. 

Don’t think I am talking about you as a mother… unless you see yourself here. Don’t think I am attacking your mother, or your friends mother or all the mothers you know. Just acknowledge it. Accept it. Understand that it is real and that SO MANY CHILDREN, So many adult children have had to save themselves from this. Have had to walk away from this to preserve the shreds of their own sanity. To become better and wiser and whole people.

Some mothers do not love their children and some of those children know it. 

Don’t you dare tell those children they must forgive, they must forget, they only get one mother, their mother may die soon etc etc etc. 

Don’t you dare tell those children that. you know their mother better. That growing up with her was not enough. That their experience cannot be true because it does not conform to yours. 

You tell them, to be happy and wish them the best. Because they need and deserve it. 

<3