I want to live a full life. And my greatest fear is that I will be stuck/trapped somewhere doing something I don’t like for my whole life… never being fulfilled. That is the problem. I am too afraid to begin because I am afraid of what I’ve projected into the unknown. To be quite honest any life would do for me; I have no preference on how this will go. All I wish for is fulfillment. I know that I could be fulfilled doing anything because I find beauty in everything I do. The problem with me isn’t that I don’t know what I desire, the problem is that I hold the fear (the belief) that I cannot achieve it.
People tell me all the time to remember back when I was little and whatever I loved to do as a child is what I should pursue as an adult… that’s the thing! I wanted to be: a doctor, a surgeon, an actress, a dancer, a singer, a director, an artist, a masseuse, a chef, a comedian, a poet, a writer, a performer in a circus, a midwife, a scientist, an Egyptologist, a marine biologist, an explorer, a student, a teacher, a lover, a fighter… I was interested in everything! And trust me, I’m not over exaggerating.
The problem wasn’t that I didn’t have desire, because I had/have SOOO much of it. The problem is me setting expectations… and of course when they’re not met I become disappointed and depressed. I remember signing up for ballet classes and when I got there it wasn’t even a dance studio. It was just a room with mirrors. There were no ballet bars, or tutus, or windows… just florescent buzzing lights. The teacher was impatient and cold. I remember telling myself to just stick it through this class and that I never have to come back again. But I got so upset I ended up leaving the room to go to the bathroom and ended up sitting in the bathroom for the whole class… the teacher didn’t even notice I was gone.
My life has been what feels like a series of disappointments; one after the other. I live in this beautiful world inside my head but when I come outside and try to accomplish something the dancing sugarplum fairies seem more inviting than the harsh reality. So I end up just giving up and going back to where I’m happy and safe; inside my head. This world wasn’t originally made to be an escape goat. It was just who I was… but as time went on my vivid imagination was like a comforting special stuffed bear or a warm cup of milk.
I never wanted to escape reality. Since the age of five, I remember feeling so heartbroken when all I had left was my imagination. I remember feeling that there had to be more to life than this. So I kept hopeful. But every time I greeted a new opportunity with a smile, my smile was violently slapped off my face. As time went on I stopped reaching my hands out to new opportunities. I just sat and watched as they passed me by. I used to see the world as a series of decisions I could make at every second. The world was full of endless possibilities and most importantly, I saw it was full of magic.
I lost the ability to see the magic in reality. I can still see it from afar but only because I keep myself at a distance. If I were to jump into it I would be filled with terror; every beautiful flower would seem like it was a cruel and sick joke. I want to believe in the magic I believed in whole-heartedly as a child. I want to trust myself. I want to jump. I want to live!!! I’m just so scared.