Concept: Les Misérables (1862) but if Lemony Snicket was the author
Example: to Enjolras–darling, dearest, dead.
If you’re seeking a story whose tragic beginning is followed by a less-tragic middle and an inevitably uplifting denouement, this book should be avoided at all costs. The approximately six hundred and fifty-five thousand words that are about to follow contain the tales of several bright and brave young people who each meet an unfortunate end and several less-bright, less-young people, including myself, who unfortunately survive to recount the events. “Unfortunate” is a word which here means “luckless” and “miserable”, the latter definition having been used for the title of this novel, designed to dissuade you, the misguided reader, from continuing past the cover page.
There are other techniques I have employed in this book that are designed to stop you from yourself becoming miserable by reading this story in its entirety. Firstly, the physical novel, which as you may notice shares the same dimensions and weight as a standard housing brick, for the utmost inconvenience. Secondly, I have included several hundred pages of information which are both uninteresting and have little bearing on the grander story in the meager hope that you will come to your senses and place this novel back on your shelf or better, in a lit fireplace, where I solemnly believe it belongs.
For example, the use of candlesticks. The word “candlestick” is derived from the purpose of the item itself, that is an object, most often metal, commonly silver, in which one can stick a candle. Many dictionaries define “candlestick” as
“an often ornamental holder for securing a candle or candles”. “Candleholder” is another, less commonly used word for “candlestick”. Candlesticks come in a variety of forms and sizes, and can contain a variety of numbers of candles often demarcated by their names-a “trikirion” contains three candles and a “menorah” contains seven. If you have had the fortitude-a word which here means “strength of mind”-to make it this far through this dull paragraph, it may be of some note to say that the candlesticks with which we concern ourselves in this story are single candlesticks, that may each contain one candle.
Thirdly, not only have I named the main character in a redundant manner-Jean Valjean-I have decided to tell you here that Jean Valjean perishes on the final page of this novel. That is my story’s conclusion.
With all this information in mind, and having the ending already known, I now give you my final warning and pleading suggestion to forget about this book. Put it down. Hide it away. Bury it in a cemetery late at night with the assistance of a man named Fauchelevant. Forget it ever existed. For now the story must begin.
It begins in a town called Digne, on a grey and dreary night under the roof of a very kind but elderly and poor man, the bishop of the town, whose name was Myriel.
I like to play this game I call “Love Never Dies as the sequel to other things”, which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Because you could swap out The Phantom/Christine/Raoul/Meg for almost anybody else and the character motivations would make just as much sense.
Les Mis: In 1832, Eponine faked her death at the barricade and subsequently fled to Coney Island and opened an amusement park. Ten years later, in 1907, Marius and Cosette come to Coney Island. Eponine has a son who is just Ten Years Old. Cosette is now an abusive alcoholic. Seven and a half minutes of awkward exposition informs us that Marius and Eponine totally banged the night before his wedding to Cosette. In the end, Marius is shot and killed by a jealous (and also not dead) Enjolras, who has fallen in love with Eponine.
Frozen: In 1845, after failing to acquire a crown of his own, Hans moved to Coney Island and opened an amusement park. Ten years later, in 1907, Anna and Kristoff come to Coney Island. They have a son, who is just Ten Years Old. Kristoff is now an abusive alcoholic. Seven and a half minutes of awkward exposition informs us that Anna and Hans totally banged the night before her wedding to Kristoff. In the end, Anna is shot and killed by a jealous Elsa, who has fallen in love with Hans.
The Odyssey: In the 12th century BC, Penelope’s suitor Antinous was secretly saved from death by some minor deity who owed him a favor and brought him to what would one day be known as Coney Island, where he opened an amusement park. Ten years later, in 1907 AD, Odysseus and Penelope come to Coney Island. They have a second son, who is just Ten Years Old. Seven and a half minutes of awkward exposition in dactylic hexameter informs us that Penelope and Antinous totally banged the night before Odysseus’s return. In the end, Penelope is shot and killed by a jealous Euryclea, who has fallen in love with Antinous.
Gotham: In 2015, Barbara Kean leaves Gotham City, moves to Coney Island, and opens an amusement park. Ten years later, in 1907, Jim Gordon and Leslie Thompkins come to Coney Island. Barbara has a daughter, whom she has named after herself, and who is just Ten Years Old. Leslie Thompkins is now an abusive alcoholic. Seven and a half minutes of awkward exposition informs us that Jim and Barbara totally banged the night before she left. In the end, Jim is shot and killed by a jealous Oswald Cobblepot, who has fallen in love with Barbara.
au where enjolras starts doing weirdly nice things for grantaire without losing his very enjolras way about it.
like. he shows up at R’s apartment with courf’s homemade food because R ‘needs to eat properly’ and walks him home after meetings because 'you’ll be mugged one of these days’ never mind that R boxes and enjolras is a twerp
and R can’t help but love enjolras a little bit more for it even though he knows he’s only doing it for The Cause
meanwhile, enjolras is going around all YES HELLO LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND
Gravity Falls Fandom:
Yeah, and there's this one character, one of the main ones, whose name we never learn! The creator might tell us at some point but for now we don't know that one character's first name
A concept: Grantaire is lying in bed on a Saturday morning, his boyfriend, is sleeping beside him. The only worry in his head is how hes going to make Enjolras breakfast without waking him up, as he’s clinging to Grantaire awfully tight, and Grantaire is awfully comfortable.
Enjolras can be drop dead gorgeous when he’s not trying at all. He looks like a god when he’s speaking to a crowd, sultry when passion fills his eyes, and downright erotic when he chews on his lip in concentration.
However, Enjolras is not sexy when he tries to be. He cannot seduce anyone with his awkward brow raises and winking with both eyes. Watching him try is almost painful.
imagine if grantaire hadn’t woken up during the final battle. imagine if, when he woke up, all of his friends were dead and Marius was gone. imagine grantaire going upstairs and seeing enjolras, hanging like Jesus at the crucifix. imagine grantaire crying over enjolras’s dead body and drinking more than ever afterwards. imagine marius coming back to the cafe and seeing grantaire still there, sitting with a bottle of wine in his hand while still wearing enjolras’s bloodstained vest and they just look at each other and realize that they’re the only ones left and they’re just so happy to see each other but so sad and angry at the same time and grantaire stays with cosette and marius and becomes part of their family
Every year Courfeyrac makes personalized Christmas mix CDs for all of the Amis and then one year he bursts into Grantaire’s apartment like, ‘R, I need your to make Ferre’s mix CD!’ Because this year’s problem is that it isn’t just a funny, little mix tape, it’s supposed to be THE mix CD, the grand romantic gesture that will ‘make him realize I’m totally in love with him because Christmas is the that time of the year you tell people you love them, right? Right?!’
So after Enjolras suggested the Marseillaise, dead serious, and half an hour at Jehan’s (I thought they’d appreciate the romance, you know but I’ve heard some things I never, ever wanted to hear in my life) he goes to Grantaire who is the one with an actual taste in music and he really patiently helps Courfeyrac make the perfect, romantic Christmas playlist for Combeferre.
And at the next meeting they hand out the CDs to everyone and Courfeyrac tries to keep it cool, when he gives Combeferre THE mix CD and Combeferre smiles at him and god, he’s so in love.
And the next day they’re all meeting at Cosette’s to bake Christmas cookies or something and Courfeyrac’s been on edge the entire day and when Ferre arrives he just wordlessly crosses the room and kisses Courfeyrac breathless right there.
And when they eventually break apart he just smirks and says ‘I really liked your mix CD this year’.
And then about a week later they’re making out on the couch in Combeferre’s flat and Courfeyrac sees the CD lying on the coffee table so he stands up and puts it into the CD player, grinning cheekily and that’s when he realizes that without him noticing Grantaire changed the whole thing into just an endless loop of ‘All I want for Christmas is you’.