english-humor

Things My High School AP English Teacher Said

“I… don’t know how to say this appropriately… but a lot of the time, you will just trick-fuck yourself.”

‎"Jack, pull up your pants. There needs to be two layers of cotton between your butt and my eyes at all times.“

‎” Every now and then i wake up naked in a cow field with my arms stretched to the stars, hours of my life missing!“

"You really do know where Waldo is.”

“Does that make sense? Fan…TASTIC.”

Student: “Ah, I knew we had a test today I just didnt write it in my fucking planner!” Cousineau: “Well perhaps if you kept your school planner separate from your fucking planner you would know what was going on.”

‎"I’m sorry the only bunion I know is Paul.“

‎"I’m not completely off my rocker, just mostly…”

“At least that chapstick is medicated. I mean think about it, wouldn’t you want to be medicated if you were chapstick?”

‎"You’re not real, you’re just a figment of my imagination.“

"I especially don’t like to be wrong behind my back.”

“It’s out there, like cancer. We’re going to have to deal with it sometime.”

‎"I’m sorry, but this work thing is really interfering with my Facebook abilities.“ 

"Alright, on to the next question. Oh wait, you have the questions, I have the answers.”

“Oh, your translation doesn’t have it? I’ll be alright, I have a bagel.”

“Ooh! Seattle’s Beast! I love their coffee!”

“I will belittle who I choose!”

“There is no motion, you are always in the same place at the same time. Motion is nothing but perception.”

“I, in a spontaneous fit brought on by quotidian boredom, threw pen at Johnnie square face.” (Meant to say “square IN THE face”)

“Without falsetto, there would be no ‘80s.”

“I’m deciding how little of a shit I give…and I’ve decided that I don’t give enough of a shit to raise a flower.”

“I didn’t know the pool exercised. Do you think it swims?”

 

I love English. It’s a melting pot of many languages, which is why we have such inconsistent rules.

Man becomes men from German (same: women, children). But once we discovered the plural “s” from French, we stopped calling them housen, and started calling them houses.

Moose is uncountable, just like deer, and fish, and sheep, and bison.