energy drip

Quickly about chapter 846

I tried to resist not to read the chapter before weekend but heh, here is another review from the latest chapter. There are so many spoilers already so I guess there is no need to warn about them :D 

Ok so as seen, Luffy and Nami are still fighting against Big Moms army and things definitely aren’t looking good for them since they are practially beaten They even lost the vivre card Lola gave them. But maybe the most heartbreaking thing is to see Luffy crawling with his last drip of energy swearing that he will not leave the place until Sanji comes, again another reminder how loyal the captain is to his nakama  (and this situation  is seriously so wrong, poor Luffy gets first beaten by his own cook and now they got overpowered  by enemies and his tooth hasn’t magically appeared :<)

Elsewhere Sanji is making deals with Big Mom in order to save his nakama . What is bothering is the way ‘Momma’ talks to him because first of all she is talking about current comrades which means she is confident that Sanji is going to be part of them right after the wedding (and this is sad because no one wants it to happen) but would her plan to be that Mugiwaras somehow ended up to be her underlings anyways if the marriage will happen, especially if they refuse to leave? Well  Big Mom agrees the terms, as long as everything goes according the plan. 

Big Mom is happy about the marriage though, so happy that she is even willing to put behind the anger about Mugiwaras rumbling around in Seducing Woods etc. but under that one certain condition but I am more interested to look forward to see what really goes inside her head besides the thoughts of getting cake and sweets.

Charlotte Linlin is a very very suspicious yonko but her hat is kinda cute and definitely a enemy for Mugiwaras but what is the motive for the alliance with Judge actually and what was the talk about “wedding day going to be a day that no one will forget” in last chapter?
Somehow I have a feeling that she is not going to keep her words. I mean she could surprise us all by betraying Vinsmokes because she is most likely after the power and might not really interested in Judge’s businesses and would she actually give her precious daughter away if she found out how much Judge despises Sanji? 

 Then we finally see Sanji smiling after so many heart ripping chapters and people seem to be very happy with it. However I am not convinced because this doesn’t look a real smile that’ll send the vibes of full of happiness.
I mean he of course is very relieved that Big Mom will let them out safely but it is hard to imagine that he’ll honestly be happy with the decision of leaving them behind and the fact that he will now literally give up on his dreams.
We know that Sanji tends to be the guy who hides all the negative emotions so it is not impossible that behind that smile is nothing but worry and agony. 
The other possibility is that Sanji is again in a dead end and he has no other choice than buy her words but could a smart man like Sanji fall to her words and trust her? 

Anyways it is interesting to see if Sanji has come up with a plan because he still is a strategist and somehow he is behaving suspiciously confident  despite the fact that he is  probably very hurt and torn inside. He also has not convinced about his “feelings towards his wife-to-be. Making promises to his mother in law might just be part of his play and what raised my eyebrow was that he even completely ignored and skipped Big Mom’s comment about him falling into Pudding so one other reason to think that this marriage might not happen. Who knows, maybe there is the good old Sanji we know behind that sly smirk ;) 

Then we finally see other characters when Pedro and Brook are preparing themselves for a big mission, to steal poneglyphs. They are going to face another enemy from Charlotte family, Charlotte Smoothie a person who literally squishes juices out of you… creepy af, why there is no normal people around?
The immediate thought was that Brook might have a huge benefit if they end up fighting because the musician is literally nothing but bones and there is nothing to be sucked but let’s see how the mission will go on.

This review ended up to be quite short mostly because the story itself didn’t move forward a lot from the previous chapter (thought they’d already skip up to wedding but we need the feel of tension and excitement)  and actually I was a bit disappointed not to see Chopper and Carrot around because it would be interesting to know whether they are somewhere close to Sanji or not but at least finally a chapter that didn’t completely destroy fangirl’s soul (I was preparing for a heart attack). 

But what I am most impressed in this chapter is  definitely Nami, I mean if that bolt of thunder what we saw in last chapter was made by her this only proofs how underrated she is as fighter. If she managed to tame a massive lightning bolt she is capable of everything from now on ! She has the sorcery clima tact what can be a huge benefit in upcoming fights and I really can’t stop wondering if she could use mirage tempo to bail herself out of trouble and sneaking to save him :>

The more Oda shows the badass side of her the more I feel that this is just a beginning of  her era and if Oda allows, the navigator will be soon on her way to save Sanji from marrying the wrong person ;) *hopeless optimism*

So another weather forecast for future, the storm is rising with the chance of thunder !

2

Josh Kline, ‘Quality of Life’, 2013

1. ‘Energy Drip’ - IV Bag, Red Bull, Yerba Mate, Emergen-C, Sugar, Spirulina, Provigil, Gasoline

2. ‘Clean Drip’ - IV Bag, Dial Soap, Purell, Bleach, Lemon, Cayenne, Honey

Mind over Matter?

About 8 years ago, I was a thriving, full time student with a double major, a full time job, a partner, and a great social life. I slept about 5-6 hours a night, went jogging or swimming at the gym every morning before class, went to class, then went to work, had date night or met up with friends, and then came home and studied and went to bed. I spent my weekends working, studying, bowling, and everything else neurotypical people get to do. 

My chronic fatigue crept in, like when you take a shower and ever so slightly raise the temperature every few minutes, until the water is scalding hot and you don’t even notice. I got pneumonia, and I just couldn’t seem to shake it. Weeks later, I still felt like my energy was slowly dripping out of me like through a microscopic tear in an overfilled garbage bag. Over time, the pressure built, until one day I realized it was a gaping hole and energy was flooding out and spilling everywhere, much faster than I could refill it, and I could barely muster the energy to put on pants, much less go to class. 

I went from doctor to doctor. They ran so many tests I think House himself would call it excessive. Nothing. They chalked it off to stress and told me to “chill”. 

Over the past eight years, I have tried everything to regain the energy I lost, but it’s almost like when I patched up my body, there were just too many holes to plug, and no matter what I do, at some point I’m going to be like that dilapidated wooden boat in a storm, and the patches will burst and I’ll sink for good this time. 

When I say I tried everything, I mean I tried a hell of a lot of things. I travelled. I crossed a great many glorious things off my bucket list. I had adventures that would make a sailor pale and I’ve slain monsters and demons of all kinds. I have pushed my body to the extreme, seeking that high, seeking to regain the feeling I lost. Seeking that feeling of awakeness, wanting to feel like my entire body is truly alive, and not in a coma anymore. 

For 8 years, I have been trying to wake up. I have chronic fatigue syndrome, which is basically what doctors tell you you have when they can’t figure out what is wrong with you. Sometimes they chalk it off to PTSD, but since it pre-dates my PTSD, they just shrug their shoulders with that expression that says, “tja. What can you do? Life sucks for some people.” 

They say, “try diet and exercise”. I eat no processed food. Everything I eat is homemade from scratch, with farm fresh ingredients. I consume no soda, and no alcohol. For 1 year, I didn’t even drink coffee, or consume any kind of stimulant (i.e. energy drinks). I don’t smoke, and I exercise regularly. 

But that doesn’t make me awake. Nothing wakes my brain up. Sometimes, when I’m on my third can of Rockstar Energy Juice, and I can already smell colors and see sounds, I think I can feel it stirring, like it’s rolling over in bed and thinking about opening its eyes. 

But it never does. Finally, I had enough. I have tried diet and exercise. I am a physically healthy person by any doctor’s definition. I have immaculate bloodwork results. I have an immaculate nutrition schedule. I have a perfectly organized sleep schedule. There is no reason for me to be so tired, for me to be asleep inside. There is no earthly reason for me to fall asleep at 6 PM and wake up at 7 AM disoriented and confused because I fell into another sleep coma and still can’t get out of bed. 

So, I took matters into my own hands. I did every doctor’s worst nightmare. I googled. I googled a lot. I pulled up medical papers and human medicine books, and I came up with a medical solution. 

I made an appointment with my doctor and told her point blank I found a medication online that I think will stabilize my illness. It is not classified as a restricted medication, and its dependency risk index is labelled at “very low” (in short, it is less addictive than caffeine). She looked it up in her database, and found that even though its intended use is for a slightly different neurological condition that causes the exact same symptoms that I experience, medically speaking it should be able to treat my condition. 

She wrote me a prescription, under the condition that I go in for a neurological consult with a neurologist to confirm 1) the diagnosis and 2) cancel out any other potential conditions (that were already cancelled out 8 years ago but who knows maybe I have a tumor now). 

It has been a week since I’ve started taking this medication, and I can finally feel it, for the first time in 8 years. I am awake. I’m not bursting with energy, I’m not restless, jumpy, giddy, nor do I have strange heart palpitations or uncomfortable sensations on my skin. I’m just… awake. 

I go to bed at 10 pm and I wake up at 5:30 with no alarm. My eyes open, my body is well rested, and I am ready to get up and go about my day. When I read a page in a textbook, I absorb what I am reading and comprehend it without reading it 8 times. I do not feel my brain shut down in the process. In the afternoon, I am still awake. When I sit in the lecture hall, I hear what the professor is saying, and I am able to connect the dots and follow the red thread. 

Over the past week, my caffeine intake has dropped from 4 cups of coffee a day to half a cup, and the past two days I’ve only consumed it for the flavor and out of habit. 

It’s not a miracle pill. It doesn’t make me feel like I can take on the world. It doesn’t make me feel like I can ace my college education like a genius with an eidetic memory. I don’t wake up bursting with energy that I don’t know what to do with. I still have to force myself to be disciplined in my studies. I still have to motivate myself to sit down and summarize my notes. Somewhere down the line, I went from being predominantly neurotypical (I’ve always had aspergers but that has never affected my studies. Quite the opposite, actually) to someone who is mentally ill. 

But now my brain is awake, and ready to fight back. The medication has torn it from its coma, and it is saying, “enough. You want to do this, and so you shall.” 

See, mind over matter only works if your mind is awake enough to fight. Mind over matter only applies if your brain is healthy enough to pull that weight. Telling me it’s all in my mind is absolutely true, if, by that, you mean that my mind is physically sick and needs medical care just like every other part of my body. 

Now that my brain is getting the medication it needs, diet and exercise become more relevant and more important. My brain is finally awake and calling the shots like it used to, and my body is healthy enough to go along for the ride. 

Allow me to tell you a story.

In 2005 I started a diary at the ripe old age of seven years old, and filled it out slowly. Throughout my years in middle school, I filled it out meticulously and went into every emotion I felt. The constant entries writing tapered off in 2012, and then in 2014 (when I was sixteen) I made one final entry talking about what my life was like then.

In 2009, when I was eleven and starting middle school, I wrote, “Things are new and a little bit scary but I know I’ll get used to them eventually.”

In 2010, I wrote, “I’m not even excited anymore. I feel like energy is slowly dripping out of me. Everything is painful… And I want what I had back. I just get sad sometimes.”

In 2011, I wrote, “I’m just annoying. Sometimes I feel that way. Even when I’m with some of my closest friends, I know I’m just that girl everyone is nice to but don’t have it in their hearts to tell her how annoying and unwanted she is. Why am I so obnoxious? Throw ugly in there. I just hurt everyone I love. Ugh!… Why is everything so frustrating? I just wish I felt loved. Not by my family, I mean. I know I’m lucky to have a family that loves me and I should just be happy but sometimes I wish I knew others cared about me too.”

In 2012, at the age of fourteen and nearing the end of my consistent writing days, I wrote “I’m so exhausted. I think I’m going insane at this point… I just wish I was naturally pretty, like almost every single one of my friends. There’s not a whole lot I like about the way I look anymore… All in all, I’m alone. Nobody cares, and I think that’s an idea I need to start getting used to. I know that’s a bleak thought and I shouldn’t be so pessimistic, but it’s how I feel sometimes… I know I should be happy and I don’t have a right to feel so bad all the time, but why do I? I’m just so tired.”

In 2014 I found the book and saw that it had a few blank pages in the end so I updated it with one final entry to leave it off with a note from my sixteen-year-old self. In that entry, I wrote, “To the person I’ve become, who’s reading this in a future world: I hope you’re happy, because I’m happy now. I know this book has been self-pitying and dark and depressing and quite honestly, cringe-worthy, but I’m happy now. I know I’ve learned enough from all those strange dark times in my life to propel me forward into an even happier life. Not everything is perfect, and I know nothing will ever be entirely perfect, but I have friends and people who care about me, and wow, I care about them. And that’s enough. It’s all I’ll ever need.”

If there’s one thing I learned in life is that things really do clear up. I look back to frequent entries about how upset and sad I was all the time, and I came back (only a couple years later) to write how amazing my life is and how I’m happy to be alive and how I’ve found friends who love me and whom I love. I know everyone says it, but it’s true: things do get better. I didn’t think they would, but now I’m a firm believer in the notion that life is an onslaught of emotions in their rawest form and while sometimes they’re bad, it’s the good that deserve to be focused on and it’s the good that blow the bad right out of the water.

TL;DR: it gets better.