I’m not a very petty person, buuuut… I used to live with a guy some years ago, and we used to fight a lot. Once he got angry at me and told me he’d cut my hair in my sleep. As a warning, I poked a hole in all of his underwear, so when he put them, his dick was poking out of it through the hole. He understood the warning. Same guy used to drink energetic drinks in the morning, so when I woke up to go exercise, I shook all of the cans, so when he opened them, they would blow on his face. Fun times! I hope those count as petty!
‘’Can i request a V angst where you are his girlfriend and you are depressed ,and to keep up with him you are just like taking a lot of anti depressives and energetic drinks and he finds out?Hope you understand!Love from Uruguay!’’
Here is your request. I’m sorry it took me long. Hope you enjoy xx
Characters: Taehyung x Reader
Warnings: Depression, medication overdose.
Living with depression is like living with lungs that only have the capacity to take in poisonous air. Waking up in the morning with what feels like a clamp inside your chest. Just as the wheels of a car get clamped, those which enable its movement, motivation, and meaning, depression clamps the wheels of a person’s sense of self. Your day was pretty simple; taking anti depressives in the morning, one coffee, energy drink and hoping that you would be able to go out and smile.
Your pain was invisible, luckily. Well you thought. No one knew, family, friends, the people you loved and trusted the most. They had no idea about a brick wall looming down over your head that physically impairs your movement and won’t let you get up to even try and make things better. There were days when you had energy to live and passion to smile yet there were days, where you have felt like you have fallen off the cliff. Lifeless and full of mental pain where your mind was blank and black. But what hurt you the most was lying. Lying to Taehyung that you were okay and you had so much motivation to wake up every morning and live. He had no idea about all those anti depressives that have passed your mouth, liters of caffeine that you drank to keep up with his busy and full of fun life. The fear of him leaving you because of your mental state was eating you from inside every time you tried to mention your health to him. ‘’Why would he be with someone like me’’ , ‘’He is happy, he needs a happy girlfriend’’ ‘’a girlfriend that will assist him in his daily life’’. But here you were relying on the drugs to keep you mentally alive and physically able to go out and live like a healthy and happy human being.
‘’Jagi? What about amusement park?’’ Taehyung suddenly asked while watching one of his favorite movies. Your first anniversary was coming up but both of you were still out of ideas how to spend this special day. Your gaze moved from TV screen to your boyfriend who was already staring at you. ‘’Oh no!’’ You thought to yourself. Going out was the last thing you wanted to do. Spending time around people wasn’t the greatest idea especially for you, a girl who would love to close herself in a dark room, separated from a day light and people.
‘’Maybe we should stay home? I will try to cook something’’ You pulled a smile on your face hoping that Tae will agree with your idea.
‘’We are barely going out Y/N. I really wanted to spend this day having fun. Come one it would be great hmm?’’ He sat straight, looking into your eyes so deeply like he was about to read what was going on there and how mentally you were cursing your life.
‘’Let’s think more, there is still time left maybe better ideas will come’’ You warmly smiled at your boyfriend who looked disappointed. Taehyung was such a kid when it came to roller-coasters and other rides and you hated yourself for not giving him the fun he truly deserved.
Another days passed and nothing in your life changed. Maybe one thing, you have drunk more energy drinks than usual. Taehyung’s schedule was full and he begged you to come with him everywhere he went. You knew that you had to go out to people and live normally but most importantly you didn’t want to disappoint your loving boyfriend. During the day was okay, you tried your best to socialize and talk to as many people as possible, smile as much as you could and hide your pain as much as your brain allowed you to. Yet at night it was a different story, the darkness not only hit your room and whole country but your soul and your heart. You wanted Taehyung, you needed him to hug you so you could sleep and feel safe. Depression was like a monster that was hiding deep in you and coming out and night to scare your life away.
You were tired of everything, medications you had to take every morning to live, caffeine that allowed you to move around and jump from fake happiness and lying, lying to Taehyung.
It was one day before your anniversary. Amusement park was the only option and you knew Taehyung won’t give up on that. You made an appointment with your well know psychiatrist to ask for stronger medications as the ones you are taking now slowly were stopping to work.
‘’You need to tell someone Y/N. Having someone near you, someone you love and someone that love you is the most important for you. It will help you a lot and you will feel livelier’’ The doctor said, trying to persuade you to go out of your brick dark room you were by yourself and trust people around you.
‘’What if he leave me, I will not survive that’’ You said with a broken and quiet voice. No energy in you caused to look down throughout the whole time.
‘’He won’t. From all you tell me he loves you so he won’t leave you but lying to him for longer will cause you more problems and pain. You will feel relieved and there will be someone to help you’’ The doctor continued and you slowly were gathering the courage to tell Taehyung about your depression.
As your phone was off during your meeting with the psychiatrist Taehyung couldn’t reach you and it made him slightly worried. He didn’t wait any longer but rushed to your apartment to only find an empty place. He called out for you to only hear a silence.
She said she have no plans for today so I was surprised she’s out and a bit worried that she’s not picking up my calls. While sitting and waiting for the girl I love the most I felt a strong pain in my head.
‘’Ahhh I really need some sleep’’ I groaned from the pain and went to the kitchen cupboard to find some anti pains. But I didn’t found anything. Knowing that my pain won’t stop I continued to look for some tablets.
End of POV!
Taehyung went straight to your room and decided to look into your night stand cupboard but the next thing he saw washed him away. He took a mysterious box of tablets into his hands.
‘’PAXIL’’ He saw the name on the label yet had no idea what it was. Thinking that it may be some vitamins he placed in on the top of the cupboard and continued to look for anti plains, until he found another boxes of unknown medicines.
‘’FLUOXETINE’’ and another ‘’CITALOPRAM’’. He sat dumbfounded on the bed and thought off the reason behind these medications. Still not knowing what it was he wen’t deep into his thoughts and tried to remember if you told him of being ill or having a flu but nothing was coming to his mind. Taking his phone out he googled the first name of the drug he found and froze.
‘’Paxil is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD).’’
Taehyung didn’t know what was the reason you had those stuff in your house nor what to do, if he should confront you with it or just leave it by. He suddenly jumped in place when he heard a door to the bedroom opening. You were standing quietly with your eyes wide open when you saw Taehyung holding one of your medications in his hand.
‘’Taehyung…’’ You whispered quietly feeling the hotness in your eyes.
‘’Why are you keeping these? Are you perhaps addicted to drugs? Why?’’ Taehyung didn’t know what to say or how to react, angrily he asked you waiting for you to explain.
‘’Why are you looking into my cupboards?’’ You snapped back at him seeing him getting mad even more.
‘’Y/N please explain these’’ Taehyung took a deep breath trying to keep and hide his anger. Asking you politely he threw the box back to the cupboard.
You were still standing by the door while your tears were rolling down your cheeks.
‘’Why Y/N, why I don’t know about it? Why didn’t you tell me? I thought I’m your boyfriend and you trust me’’ He continued giving you more pain. You remained quiet driving him more crazy. You couldn’t speak. You didn’t know what to say.
‘’Were you even planning to tell me?’’ Taehyung got up and walked towards you. Feeling like your heart was getting faster you looked down.
‘’Are you even going to say something?’’ Taehyung looked at you with eyes full of anger. He clinched his jaw at the sign of you not speaking. He opened his mouth again to say something but you stopped him.
‘’I’m sorry’’ You whispered as louder speaking would cause you to cry hysterically.
‘’You’re sorry? Now you’re sorry? Do you know how I feel? Knowing that you have been in such pain for I don’t know for how long, hurts, so much. Not being able to help you, hurts, even more. But you know what hurts the most? Not the fact that you were lying and pretended it is okay but the fact that you did’t trust me. I’m your boyfriend for fuck sake and you didn’t even told me-’’ Taehyung was raising his voice more and more and you couldn’t listen to him anymore.
‘’Is that the problem? Is my depression a problem to you? Is it because I’m mentally not okay?’’ You finally dared to look at him, with your teary eyes and blurry vision you yelled causing Taehyung to step back and look at you.
‘’No, depression is not a problem. You are, your lies and the fact that you thought it is okay to hide it’’ Taehyung said in a calmer voice leaving you speechless.
‘’Think of what you have done. For now I’m out’’ Taehyung lifted his hands and passed you by walking towards the door.
‘’Are you going to leave me now?’’ You shouted hoping he will stay. He was the only person in your life that you could rely on. Seeing him leaving made you hurt even more.
‘’Say something Taehyung please stay’’ You shouted with crying voice as he didn’t stopped. You couldn’t see but tears were falling from his eyes. He was hurt too, you didn’t trust him, you were in pain alone. He hated himself for not being with you whenever you needed him the most.
He slammed the door leaving you torn apart. You couldn’t go back to reality. Not knowing what is happening to your body, you kept on rolling on the bed crying. Fear took everything, fear of Taehyung leaving. You wanted to fall asleep and never wake up, you wanted this pain to be over.
Taehyung went straight to the practice room. He couldn’t show himself in this state in front of BTS. Trying to release all his anger and sadness he began to dance until he collapsed on the floor from tiredness. Taking his phone to his hand he wondered if he should call you or leave you alone for now. His thought never left you. Typing ‘’depression’’ in google, he decided to find out more about your current state.
He was reading more and more, feeling guilty for leaving you and shouting at you. He couldn’t believe that you were living with this alone and that there was no one to support you. He could feel tears gathering in the corner of his eyes. Lying in the middle of practice room floor he continued reading, symptoms and how to leave with depression. Taehyung was terrified when he saw that some people with depression have suicidal thoughts especially when they cannot handle their life anymore or when they are alone with their problems. He immediately remember how he left you and how you begged him to stay. Not waiting more he called you while rushing to the exit. It was already so late but not late for you to sleep already. He knew that you were going sleep late so the more signals he heard the more scared he got.
‘’Y/N pick up please’’ He prayed out loud while running through dark Seoul streets. When he got in front of your door he didn’t waste time on knocking but used his spare key to get into the apartment. The lights were on, he gulped and ran into your place. Calling out your name and running around the house he finally found you peacefully sleeping on the bed, without blankets covering you. His heart was beating fast as he was froze by the door. You were too peaceful. Looking around he saw a little jar on the floor with little white pills around. Taehyung widened his eyes when he saw an empty can of energy drink lying next to it. Rushing to you he began to shake you begging you to wake up. Him crying and shouting out your name made you slowly open your eyes. You couldn’t see properly what was going on as everything around you was spinning around but you could recognize him. He was crying next to you holding your hand.
‘’Tae..?’’ You managed to say quietly when he looked at you with widened eyes. He didn’t say anything but pulled you into his arms, hugging you tight and caressing your head, crying into the crock of your neck.
‘’Thank God you’re awake’’ He whispered between the sobs making your shoulder even more wet.
‘’What are you doing here Tae..’’ You said with still sleepy voice. He pulled away and looked you in the eyes.
‘’I’m sorry so much Y/N. I don’t know what got into me. I would never leave you. I love you so much and we will get through it together. I will be by your side and I will make sure you are not hurt anymore.’’ Taehyung said quietly, tears rolling down his cheeks made you cry with him. With his thumbs he removed the tears from your cheeks.
‘’I’m sorry for not telling you and hiding everything from you’’ You said and he shook his head.
‘’Don’t be. It was harder for you. But please remember that I will love you forever no matter if your ill or healthy. If you’re sad I’ll do everything to make you happy and to make you truly smile. We will go through good and bad okay?’’ Taehyung kept caressing your cheeks making your heart warmer, finally feeling at ease.
‘’We will. Thank you for being with me and not leaving me’’ You smiled at him and it was your true smile, not the one your pretended for the whole time.
‘’I will never, but promise me that from now on you will tell everything and you are done with all of those energy drinks. From now on I’ll give you energy.’’ He held your shoulders waiting for your answer.
‘’I promise, and okay’’ You giggled making him smile.
‘’I love you idiot so much, I don’t know what my life would be without you’’ Taehyung again looked into your eyes. His deep and dark eyes were eating your soul in a good way.
‘’I love you even more and I don’t know what would happen if you were not here’’ You said quietly and cupped his face. After he heard what you said, he closed the gap between you two, kissing your lips passionately adding a meaning to your life. His kiss was full of love and you felt so safe. Never in your life you want to lose this feeling. He kept you alive and kept you happy. He was the one you could rely on. He was your true happiness drug and you got addicted to it the most. Your own kind of drug♥
Here you go lovely ANON! ♥ I’m sorry again for making you wait but I hope you enjoy it!
Remember that you are not alone and don’t be afraid to talk about depression! You have people that love you around so don’t be afraid of anything! ♥