I finally sew on all of the patches, and put on all of the studs…So this is how my kutte is going to look for now….Until I get some more patches and studs of course (: I’m quite pleased with the result :D
; tell me… tell me how you’ve managed to keep my heart in your own. tell me how you’ve managed to make my heart beat so fast at the sound of your melodic voice. tell me how you’ve managed to make me love you so much. tell me… tell me how.
I really wish movie writers would stop writing anorexic girls as the cool, mysterious little fairy girl. Like seriously. Anorexia does not suddenly make you interesting. Do you want to know what the reality of anorexia is?
no-one wanting to hang out with you because people get fucking fed up of watching you avoid food
not wanting to go out because you’re scared there will be food there
hair falling out
nails going yellow and breaking
skin looking and feeling like paper and growing more little hairs
always being cold, from the inside and out
weak bones and weak muscles, not being able to exercise and, if you do, extreme lightheadedness and the posibility of passing out
you can literally feel your heart and lungs straining, I can’t explain it but you can feel your body shutting down
becoming an obscenely good liar “I already ate” “I had [insert food here] earlier” “don’t worry, I’m sorting it our” “I’m fine” “I can’t be anorexic, I love food too much”
your vision going
no-one being able to talk to you properly, giving you odd looks and whispering about you when they think you can’t see
not being able to move normally because you’re so weak
any amount of food making you feel disgusting and bloated and like you’re going to throw up
acid reflux, your stomach starts digesting itself
this fucks up your vocal chords, and for a singer, that’s rough
constantly checking food labels for calorie counts and looking at a normal 400 calorie meal is like someone saying “look at that sheer cliff face! Go climb it with your bare hands”
sunken eyes, chapped lips
always tired, falling asleep in classes
never being able to concentrate, can’t learn anything at school
your parents constantly worried, more fights, more stress in the house, they blame each other, hearing them crying when you’re meant to be asleep
siblings falling behind on their school work because they’re stressed out and worried about you
you feeling even worse and wanting to be normal but you’re convinced you can’t be normal because you think your body is differnt to everyone elses and you physically cannot eat as much as other people
losing all of your friends
knowing you’re going to die but convincing yourself you’ll stop before that happens but, on the other hand, not knowing if you want to prevent that inevitable end
still not seeing food in a normal way years later, just being able to override those feelings
Anorexia is not pretty. It is not cool. It is not mysterious. It is an illness, it breaks you down until you are nothing but your anorexia. It takes over everything. Every single aspect of your life. Until you’re left with nothing but your own existence. And then it takes that. My parents told me they were preparing for the day when they’d come in to wake me up for school and they wouldn’t be able to. Those two years were the worst time of my life, when I try and think of them, all I can think of is pain and crying. Even writing this now is making me upset. AND IT NEVER GOES AWAY. I will live with this fear of food until the day I die. Granted, I can ignore it for the most part, but it’s always there. I will always check calorie counts, I will always try and monitor what I eat but I can do it normally now.
Please, PLEASE stop glorifying this disease. It’s not the fashionable, mysterious girl. It’s pain and lonliness and anger. People need to understand that.