“It’s broken,” Jyn said flatly, pulling the blanket tighter around her shoulders, though the cold had already burrowed its way into her bones. “Beyond repair.”
Cassian let loose a string of curses. “I reprogrammed an Imperial droid,” he muttered, pulling his glove back on. “But somehow I can’t fix an outer rim heating system!”
Jyn tamped down the smile that tugged at her lips even as she watched him throw the hydrospanner into the corner. It hit the flimsy walls with a clank, and dust exploded as it made contact with the plaster.
“You do realize hydrospanners are meant for work on starships and not heating systems, right?” she said, rising to her feet.
He moved again, another turn from back to side, away from her, facing the wall. It was the worst, most selfish thing he could have been thinking, but the thought wouldn’t leave him alone. The possibility of it was unnerving, and there was no proof for why he should even let it get to him.
Sometimes things just got to you though. Stuff from the past that you thought you were over, then realized you weren’t.
He WAS over this though, totally and completely.
He and Iris were engaged. While the threat of Savitar still loomed, and truly that ate up a lot of their time together - thinking about it and how it could be stopped and how to face it if it couldn’t. The latter was never spoken aloud though. It was too scary to even contemplate.
So, with such a huge dilemma on their plate, it was weird and it was unfair to Iris for him to be thinking the way he was. And it was irritating for him too because it was keeping him awake.
He moved again.
Out come Iris’s hand on his bare shoulder. He drilled, but it was obvious he’d been caught.
“If you move one more time, I’m going to duck tape you to this bed.”
Barry looked over his shoulder at her.
“Am I keeping you awake?” He asked, concerned.
Iris opened her eyes and searched his face, amused.
“How would you sleep if you were next to a human log that kept moving every five seconds?”
Barry laid on his back but kept his face turned toward her.
“A log is a part of a tree,” she informed him.
“And?” He started to grin.
“And your skinny ass reminds me of a tree.”
He chuckled. “Without the leaves.”
“Well, that could be your hair.”
“My hair isn’t green though…”
She sighed, done with the teasing.
“Why can’t you sleep?”
He turned his face away from her and stared up at the ceiling.
She waited a beat, and then…
“No,” he said instantly, knocking out that possibility immediately.
He wasn’t going to make her think about Savitar any more than necessary, even to save his own skin.
Iris reached out and flattened her hand on his chest, a plea for him to open up to her.
“You’re hot,” she remarked. He didn’t make a joke over it. She lifted her head and propped it in her hand bent up on her elbow. “And your heart is racing.”
She slid her hand across his collar bone and the base of his neck until she could turn his head to face her.
“Talk to me.” Her brows furrowed in concern. “What’s wrong?”
He took her fingers in his hands and kissed her knuckles.
“Iris…” he murmured on a reverent, exhausted sigh. “It’s nothing,” he said again and looked up at her. “Really.”
She frowned. “Then why can’t you sleep?” She demanded gently.
“Sometimes I just can’t.” He shrugged, hoping she’d drop it.
He should’ve known she wouldn’t go down that easy. Her defiantly raised eyebrow was testament to that.
“I was just thinking,” he said.
He pursed his lips, wondering how to proceed without sticking his foot in his mouth.
It was likely inevitable, so he just went with what came to him first.
“About our broken engagement,” he admitted.
Her brows furrowed, and then she lifted her hand, wiggling the finger with her engagement ring on it.
“It’s not broken anymore, Bear. You sang to me, remember? I said yes.”
“I know.” He forced a smile. “And I’m very grateful you did.” He looked away again. “I shouldn’t be thinking about it. I don’t know why I am. I just remember asking if I’d lost you and you walking away.”
Iris closed her eyes, the tension and uncertainty from that day washing over her, just as it was washing over him.
“And then Joe was there and he made me tell him what was up.”
“What did you say?” She asked quietly, swallowing hard soon after.
“That you were having doubts about us.” He turned to look at her. “About marrying me.”
She opened her eyes, but tears were in them now.
“You were, weren’t you? You were having doubts.”
Her sad smile didn’t make him feel any better. Neither did her hand on his face, which was probably meant to reassure him.
“It was never about me nor wanting to marry you, Bear. I love you more than anything. You know that.” She tried for a laugh, but it sounded off. Unnatural. “I said yes twice. Who does that?”
He looked away again and she spread her hand on his chest again, trying to rein him in so he wouldn’t pull away from her.
“Barry…” she called to him in s bit of a sing-song voice, almost a lullaby.
Finally he turned to look at her again.
“I just wanted to be asked for the right reasons.”
He hesitated, then -
“Do you think you’ll ever regret it?”
Her lips parted, shock reverberating through her.
“Saying yes to me.” He paused. “Do you think you’re going to have doubts again?”
“Barry,” she scolded, but her voice was full of concern. She inched towards him and laid her head on his chest, wrapping her arm around his torso.
“No, never,” she said. “Never in my life will I ever regret saying yes to you.” She sighed, sad for him, and moved her thumb on his skin. “I don’t even regret saying yes the first time.”
His brows furrowed. He hadn’t expected that.
She shook her head against him.
“No,” she said. “I wanted your heart in the right place, but mine always was.” She kissed his chest softly. The little gesture made him feel warm, almost reassured. “Even though I was the one who took your ring off, I always wanted it back on. It…” Her breath caught in her throat. “It hurt so much when you changed your mind and left me.”
He closed his eyes, guilt washing over him. He put his hands in her dark locks and pressed a kiss into her hair.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I shouldn’t have done that. I just didn’t know how to…”
“I know.” She lifted her head, and a tear drifted down her cheek.
He brushed it aside and regretted everything.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, then swallowed hard. He shook his head and laughed mockingly, at himself. “I shouldn’t have brought this up.” He looked back at her. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I would never want that.”
“YOU hurting is what hurts me, Bear.”
She wrapped her hand around his neck, and he tensed. So she lowered her lips to his and kissed him, urging him to respond and nearly sighing aloud in response when he finally did.
His arms wrapped around her, even tighter when she lifted her head and then rested it on his chest again, snuggling into him.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, but he could barely say it. He was berating himself. “I don’t deserve you, Iris. I don’t.”
“Shh,” she soothed, snuggling tighter against him when his arms started to loosen him.
He tried to relax, but he couldn’t. The more she tried to reassure him, the more he wanted to run away and scream and cry and…run home to her.
The words from his song trickled through his mind. He felt the truth in every part of them, then remembered her smile when she looked him in, the look of adoration and love. She was awed, and she felt safe.
And then…he proposed, and she said yes.
She said YES.
He nearly groaned out loud.
He was an idiot.
“I’m a mess,” he informed her.
She half-laughed, half-cried, then lifted her head, eyes shining with love.
“Yes, you are,” she confirmed, then lowered her head to initiate an Eskimo kiss. “But I love you anyway.”
Her voice was soft and warm, and finally he relaxed.
“I will never regret saying yes, Barry. I won’t have doubts. I won’t take off my ring ever again. And every day of our married life I will thank my lucky stars that you woke up one day and decided to love me.”
He groaned and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
He was so, so undeserving of her. Never in his life would he ever be worthy of Iris West, angel from heaven who loved him so, so much.
Maybe he should let her, he thought, a peace washing over him and filling every empty, lonely space filled with heartache inside him.
Maybe he should just let her love him and believe her when she said she’d never doubted what she felt and what she felt was the desire to marry him because she loved him more than anything.
He needed her too much to believe otherwise.
And life was too short to spend dwelling on the past. What was important was the future, and she wanted one with him.
“I love you,” he whispered, and her angelic, relieved sigh cued the beginning of his - their - long, restful night of sleep.
“I love you, too, Bear.” She brushed her nose against his skin. His arms squeezed her small frame gently. “I can’t wait to be your wife.”
He felt her smile again and knew an almost unbearable sensation of pure joy.
Her heart belonged to him. It was almost overwhelming. Because he so completely, so eternally, so purely belonged to her.
With every fiber of his being, he belonged to Iris West.
I also love that it's smaller venues, that it's only for like 3 months, he has days off in between and he'll be done before Xmas etc. Very happy for him cause this is exactly what I thought he will do. And also it fits his personality, the style of his music, the venues have great historical meaning etc. more intimate, closer at the audience! And time for himself and to go have time off to explore and relax in between 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
Anon you’re killing me aaaaaah I’m loving everything of this tour so far.. how it’s organized and how it’s really for the fans and all the concept behind! I really really hope I’ll get to buy tickets! I’m already in tears!
So it seems I can eat some full-on protein now. Still can’t do fruits/veggies though. So I guess I need to avoid anything acidic? One of my favorite food groups? Even yogurt is still making me less than comfortable, and after the grapes last night I don’t want to even consider fruits for another couple days. I haven’t tried cheese yet, although I had a bit of chocolate and that was fine.
I desperately want a grilled veggie sandwich. Veggie fajitas. I want greeeeeens. And I don’t want to eat any more oatmeal, I’m so sick of it.
Actually I just babbled to a friend about this, so I’m going to babble a bit more condensed here.
Shad is the exact kind of host we need right now, and I’m. really impressed by what they’ve gotten done over the past year and change that they’ve been host?
Like, they spent this last year digging through the dormant folks, to gently try to bring forward the ones who were open to being around in order to test how they work with our life as it is now, to start processing what we’ve been through.
The biggest problem we’ve been having was that our trauma is dispersed so heavily among so many of us, especially people (like me) who aren’t built to process that. So, in figuring out who’s able (and willing) to be around now, we were able to see who is able (and willing) to take on that trauma to help process it.
And in that, Will offered to take our late teenage and young adult trauma (mostly from me, who famously Doesn’t Handle That Well), Leon has taken some of our later childhood and early teens, and Shad has the balance of young childhood trauma.
Like, we’ve still got a heck of a lot to process and work through, but, at least we have a solid plan. We’ve got three protectors who are going to solidly focus on those specific traumas so that we can start healing, instead of it just being thrown at whoever happens to be around. I’m?? Really really proud of all of them, and of everyone here who’s tried to help, and I’m, really happy, with how well we’ve been able to manage communication.
So. Yeah. There’s an update on things that have been going on for the past like, two months, that’ve been why there’s been a ton of Leon and Will and Shad, haha.
I’m going to be main fronting again, probably, and Silv will probably be the back up still since we’re the best for that, and. Aaa. It’s been a really rough two years of trying to figure out working together, and a really rough 23 years that made us who we are, but, I love our internal family, I love the friends we’ve made, I love… this progress, even when it’s hard.
DID isn’t easy or fun, but I’m happy that we’re handling this life together.
my blacklist didnt catch impregnanted please please please tag pregnnacny and reproduction i wanna keep following this blog but i dont know if it's healthy for me to anymore im sorry
absolutely friend. i am so sorry. we will tag both pregnancy and reproduction.
also, it is okay if you can’t follow. we’d love to be accessible to you and will do whatever we can to make it that way. but if this is bad for you regardless, we will not be hurt or angry. we understand.