An Open Letter To My Former Best Friend...

Dear Stranger,

I miss you. I miss texting you about every single stupid thing that happens in my life. I miss laughing with you and all of our inside jokes. I miss looking over at you and knowing exactly what you are thinking. I miss your family and the way you used to fill me in on their daily happenings and what crazy, judgmental things they said this time. I miss knowing that, at the end of the day, I had you– that when push came to shove, no matter how bad the situation might be, I knew you would be there. I miss my person, my other half and my best friend.

I hate that when people ask me how you are doing, and I genuinely don’t know. I hate that our conversations that once used to be so natural and seemingly endless are now just formal “how-do-you-do’s,” and “hope-you’re-doing-well’s.”

I hate that your face, the face I was so accustomed to seeing almost every single day, has become just another one in the crowd. I hate that we no longer speak, and that when we do, all of our conversations are awkward and now start with “OMG! I haven’t talked to you in forever!”

I’m mad at us for letting our friendship become this far gone. What happened? How did we not see this coming? How did we not feel ourselves starting to drift? I am mad at us for not fighting harder for the friendship that we had. It wasn’t like most friendships. It was the kind of friendship that neither of us could have anticipated coming to an end. It was us against the world, and now it is nothing. I am mad at us for letting it become nothing but a collection of memories.

I am sad because I don’t even know where to go from here. I don’t know what there is to be said. Nothing really happened to make it change, so how would we fix it? How do I make this horrible yearning for you go away? How do I shake the dreadful feeling of knowing that my best friend is no longer just a phone call away? We don’t even know each other anymore. How do we find a way to fall back together just as easily as we fell apart?

I hate that it probably can’t be fixed. I am hurt that you will probably never again be a huge part of my life. It hurts that when I threw my first housewarming party at the home my fiancé and I just bought, you weren’t there. That when I look around on my wedding day at all the faces in the crowd, it will hurt just as badly then as it does now to find that yours may not be there. But what hurts the most, and what I’m most scared of, is that you probably don’t even care at all. I am scared that maybe you haven’t noticed my absence in your life, or that maybe you have, but it just doesn’t matter to you.

I’m not naïve… I know that you have by now replaced me. I am scared that you don’t look back on our friendship as fondly as I do. I’m scared that our lack of a future doesn’t hurt you just as badly as it hurts me. I’m scared that you don’t miss me as much as I miss you.

However, even if that is the case, I like to hope that we will find our way back to each other, no matter how unlikely that now seems. I will never stop caring about you and wishing you well in life. I will silently smile from a distant sideline as you go out into the world and kick ass.

You will always hold a special place in my heart, even though I may no longer hold one in yours. I will never stop looking back on our friendship fondly and will always only have kind things to say.

I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I do know one thing is for certain, I will never find another friend like the friend I found in you. Thank you for everything. I miss you more than you could ever possibly know.

All the best,

Your Former Best Friend

Its OK to end a friendship that is making you uncomfortable.

Its OK to end a friendship that is effecting your own mental wellbeing.

Its OK to end a friendship that seems to be based only on happier times from years ago.

Its OK to end a friendship that you feel is toxic for you.

Its OK to end a friendship that seems to be one sided (your side).

Its OK to end a friendship that has run its course. Some friends come and go, not all friendships are meant to be forever.

Its OK if childhood friendships slip away. It happens. Life happens and people change as they grow.

Its OK to realise that you are no longer a part of what you thought was a solid friendship.

Its OK to mourn a friendship like you would a romantic relationship.

Its OK.

It hurts, i know, but you have to do what is best for you. Mourn the passing of what once was and move on. There are people out that who are worthy of your friendship and who deserve you.

Breakups are okay. Friendships ending are also okay.

Very okay. The last thing you should do is hate someone that just left you. You likely only hate them in the heat of the moment. You’ve been with them for however long you’ve been with them. Think about this. Usually, after an end, what do you do with all the photos you’ve taken? All of the memories that were made? I’m not sure about you, but I don’t delete them or burn them. I keep them. Memories are really the only lasting things in this world. You had your happy times, your high points, and even though it all comes to an end, you should be glad it happened. 

Don’t dwell on the sadness of things being over. Be happy that it happened. More good times will come. Everything will be okay. It always ends up that way, no matter how bleak the future may seem.

This post was mostly for my own good, but if it helps anyone else, I am glad to extend my reach. I’m glad we shared that time. I hate that it’s over, but it’s been a great two years. Even if all I have left are memories, they were amazing ones and I want to thank you for that. 

I’m done being your friend. I cannot fathom how angry you make me. I’ve tried my hardest. Done everything I can possibly think of to save what a close friendship I thought we had. Apparently you didn’t appreciate any of it. And you couldn’t tell me anything yourself. So therefore. We are done. Want to talk to me? Um no. You had your chance. Goodbye.

Another day, another let down.

I think I have to let go of another person who I thought was a true friend. Things aren’t the same, I can tell that this friendship will not last. I hate that it has to happen again. This always happens, I usually can’t hold a friend down for a really long time like most people can but for some reason friendships just change and end for me. I know I change but I never hurt my friends and I am always honest. In this case it just seems like she is over me and I don’t want to compete to be her friend. I can’t be the only one who cares about it, if she doesn’t then I will just stop because lately we have just been arguing all the time anyway. She says hurtful things to me and I just am done. Really, I could be saying a lot of hurtful things to her too but I don’t because that is not how I treat a friend. I’m sorry that I have to let this one go, but I’m not fake and I’m not going to continue if it isn’t the same. I have 2 others that I’m sure will have my back, so I don’t need this one anyway.

coming to terms

it’s hard to accept the fact that someone you once considered a friend, no longer wants to be apart of your life.

sure, there were some tricky circumstances to get around but it’s sad that we couldn’t get past them.

you seem like you’re getting on with life just fine without me and it upsets me that you don’t seem to think you need me.

Sometimes, you have to make that awkward decision.

Right now, that decision is messing with me. I have always had troubles making and keeping friends, but this with this person, I really felt it was a true friendship. Sure in the past I have had to let go of people who I considered best friends, but this time is really hurts because I have been through so much with this person. Either I am changing, or that person is. Maybe neither one of us are changing, we might just be realizing. Either way, I don’t want this person in my life anymore. This person hurt me and I don’t feel comfortable in this friendship. Were we ever really friends in the first place? I really do not know. All I know is that this friendship is not what I thought it was or what it could. Maybe it is my fault, wither way, I have to end it. 

When I see your pictures, it's like I don't even know you anymore.

And honestly, I don’t think I ever really did know you. All of those times we talked, we shared our secrets… Our deepest secrets, our deepest thoughts. How many times did I really get through to you? How many times did you get through to me? I look at these pictures… Of your face, your smile… And I don’t see a smile. I don’t see you. You are so different now. But are you really? I don’t think so. If there is one think I do know about you, is that you don’t change. Especially not that easily. So maybe… I never actually knew you like I thought you did. I know you don’t know me like you thought. There were always things I never wanted to tell you- Because, I thought you’d never listen. Because you didn’t. You never really listened… And I tried to hard to listen to you. But maybe I wasn’t actually listening. Maybe I was just filtering everything out, and only heard what I wanted to hear.

It’s sick, because we lived like this for years. Seven years actually. And the sickest part? I was in love with you; obsessed with you. I thought you understood every fiber of my being. I loved that. Nobody understood me. But really; You never once understood me. I was so hyper focused on this perfect image of you, that I refused to see your flaws. No matter what you said, or did, I kept coming back blindly, and naively. 

I adored you.

And when I needed you most?

You destroyed me. 

You absolutely broke my heart into a million pieces.

At first, I thought you didn’t knew. I thought you didn’t understand my feelings. I thought maybe I hid them well.

But maybe you did know. Maybe you’ve known this whole time that you were the only reason I have ever cried in the shower. Sobbed. I was so, completely confused. I cared so much about you, and all you ever did was talk about your boy toys, and your friends you enjoyed messing around with. I didn’t want to be that friend.

But maybe I was the whole time. Maybe you were just fucking with me the whole time during our friendship. Hell, towards the end I started to fuck with you as well.

We were just sick

We were sick, we were twisted-
We were masochistic, and sadistic.

And we liked it that way.

But you know what… babe.

I have changed.

I’ve changed a lot.

It’s not that I’m happy that you’re gone- Don’t get me wrong. That sick twisted game we played was fun. But I was masochistic back then. And I’m not anymore.

Without you here, I have made real friends. That truly care about what I feel, and what I have to say. I don’t even get to see these friends very often. But when I do, it’s absolutely the best feeling in the world. Because I know our friendship is genuine. You know how I know this?

You told me I was your closest friend.
But we rarely hung out when we got older.
The only time we’d hang out, is if there was nobody else.
I was your last option.

And guess what? I’m NOT there last option. I’d be a first. These god damn friends of mine live far away. Some 2 hours away, some 6- One of them lives in fucking England. And they make the effort to talk to me, to meet up with me. They send me letters. We send each other gifts.  

We love each other.

And I don’t love you. 

I don’t love how you treated me.
I don’t love how you ignored me.
I don’t love your fake little smiles.
I don’t love your twisted psychology.
I don’t love how you only cared for yourself.
I don’t love your little hypocritical comments.

I don’t love you.

And I think, I’ve finally accepted that.

I don’t need to love you.

I have better people in my life.

I have a better life.


goodbye, stranger

I lost a friend today. We terminated out friendship. Well, mostly it was his decision.

We’ve been friends since I was fifteen, six years, and I guess he has had enough, which really doesn’t make sense to me.

He and I had only ever really been very close a couple of times out of those six years. We recently tried and failed at becoming close again. But this time he wanted “all or nothing” and didn’t want to go back to being a less close version of friends.

But if I’ve spilled my entire guts and have offered numerous suggestions on how to repair the friendship, what else is there for me to do? I almost think he’s a vulnerability whore, desiring for others to be vulnerable with him for whatever thrill and giving nothing in return. I almost feel used in a way. I mean this wasn’t a physical relationship by any means, but I feel like he gets some sort of kicks out of my vulnerability and having for what he came for, what’s the point.

Then, who is he to just be constantly tearing me down with this air of superiority and religiosity? Don’t get me wrong, he has good qualities too and there was a reason we were friends for six years, and there was a reason that I fought as long as I did to try to retain this friendship.

But he, he gave up. I reminded him of how he can be expected to be treated now. He said he didn’t want to be friendly acquaintances, so he’s fallen with those who have chosen to terminate a friendship.

Am I bitter, angry, hurt?

I think it’s safe to say so.