Why has there never been one about the Drop Bears, or Cassowaries?
(Or even the urban legends of Yowies, the billabong-dwelling creatures that feast on human flesh?)
Like, for one… you have adorable, koala like creatures that literally drop out of the fucking sky and either slash throats, or just start eating through the cranium…
And the other creature is a
six foot tall, technicolour dinosaur-throwback murder bird that runs like the flash and can, AND WILL eviscerate you f it catches you. AND IT WILL.
Heck, even our most iconic creatures, the Kangaroos and their tiny cousins the wallabies, can kick so hard they can cave in your ribcage, eviscerate you with their claws, or drown your ass by luring you into water and holding you under (clever, evil bastards).
Emus are like idiotic feather dusters, but will peck and slash if they have to.
Echidnas are straight-forward.
Lots of snakes and spiders, 99% dangerous and deadly.
Tasmanian Devils will try their best to fuck you up.
Goannas are like the Komodo Dragons of Aus, and can move pretty fucking fast.
The Magpies all want you dead, no exceptions. The Kookaburras know this and are giggling about your imminent demise already…
The ocean has shells that will murder you, pretty fish that will murder you, ugly fish that will murder you, aqua!snakes that will murder you, tiny floating boxes that will murder you agonisingly… and this tiny, cute octopus creature that will kill you in under two minutes… and you won’t even know it bit you until too late.
Like, in short, why the fuck aren’t MORE horror movies set around here. You don’t even need a ‘viral outbreak sent the animals crazy’ subplot, most wildlife will fuck you up for free?
Seriously… think about it.
Someone do it.
And for the love of god, do not let anyone who ‘can do an aussie accent’ in your movies… they can’t, it’s just plain annoying, and the only way it’s permissible is if they die first, or the most gruesomely.
I was honestly not going to bother with a tumblr update today, because it was supposed to be the same old same old: go on a trail ride, walk, trot, look at the scenery, be happy with the pony.
And that was exactly how it was going, right up until something sprang out of the bushes in front of us. Abba slammed on the brakes, and we both stared at the apparition that had shimmied through the fence and was running across the field. All I could think at first was feathered velociraptor. Which is pretty much what Abba was thinking too, because it was big and shaggy and bipedal.
Turns out the Ostrich Ranch doesn’t keep just ostriches. They also have emus.