41 Things That Would Have Been Very Different If Harry Potter Were Set In Australia
  1. The first task of the Triwizard Tournament would be Goon of Fortune.
  2. The Hogwarts Express would never run on time.
  3. Mail would be delivered by galahs and cockatoos.
  4. The Weasleys would be on Wizard Centrelink.
  5. And Draco would constantly be calling them all rangas.
  6. Rita Skeeter would be a gossip writer for NW.
  7. Mr Weasley’s flying car would be a Holden Commodore.
  8. Harry, Ron & Hermione would have driven around in a Kombi rather than camping after fleeing the Ministry of Magic.
  9. Aragog wouldn’t have been as scary, because everyone is used to big spiders.
  10. Hogwarts students would sneak into Hogsmeade on Sundays for $10 roast specials at the Three Broomsticks.
  11. At least five students would get suspended for sneaking flasks into the Yule Ball.
  12. And at some point in the night, everyone would do the Nutbush.
  13. Beaters’ bats would be replaced with cricket bats.
  14. The Hogwarts grounds would be full of kangaroos.
  15. In Care of Magical Creatures class students would learn how to identify and avoid drop bears.
  16. And how to wrestle crocodiles.
  17. Sirius’ animagus would be a dingo.
  18. Just before killing Nagini, Neville would have looked at Voldemort and said: “You call that a snake?”
  19. Azkaban would be the whole island of Tasmania.
  20. After the Battle of Hogwarts, everyone would go down to the pub to celebrate. Harry’s shout. 
  21. Crabbe & Goyle would have mullets.
  22. Hufflepuff students would sneak into the kitchens for 3am kebabs.
  23. Harry & Voldemort’s wands would be gum tree with an emu feather core. 
  24. Neville would be a Kiwi, but after he helped defeat Voldemort, everyone would claim him as an Australian.
  25. People would welcome Dementor patrols in summer in order to cool down.
  26. The Great Hall would just be a repurposed old shed with a corrugated iron roof.
  27. And there’d be a lot less floating candles because of the total fire ban rules. 
  28. Hogwarts robes would be short sleeved.
  29. Gringotts would be guarded by bunyips instead of goblins.
  30. Dark Marks would be in the shape of the Southern Cross.
  31. The Great Lake would be filled with bluebottles rather than a giant squid.
  32. The sorting hat would have corks attached to it.
  33. There would be werewallabies instead of werewolves.
  34. The Hogs Head would be called The Drunken Roo.
  35. The Whomping Willow would be a gum tree filled with vicious koalas.
  36. Travelling by Floo Powder would be very difficult as hardly any houses have fireplaces.
  37. Portkeys would always be old VB cans.
  38. Greyback wouldn’t be quite as threatening, because everyone would call him Gazza.
  39. Ditto Voldy.
  40. Celestina Warbeck would have begun her career on Neighbours.
  41. No one would bother trying to go into the Forbidden Forest because everyone’s seen Wolf Creek and knows what happens in the Australian wilderness.


Australian Horror Movie Makers:

Why has there never been one about the Drop Bears, or Cassowaries?

(Or even the urban legends of Yowies, the billabong-dwelling creatures that feast on human flesh?)

Like, for one… you have adorable, koala like creatures that literally drop out of the fucking sky and either slash throats, or just start eating through the cranium… 

And the other creature is a  six foot tall, technicolour dinosaur-throwback murder bird that runs like the flash and can, AND WILL eviscerate you f it catches you. AND IT WILL.


Heck, even our most iconic creatures, the Kangaroos and their tiny cousins the wallabies, can kick so hard they can cave in your ribcage, eviscerate you with their claws, or drown your ass by luring you into water and holding you under (clever, evil bastards).

Emus are like idiotic feather dusters, but will peck and slash if they have to.

Echidnas are straight-forward.

Lots of snakes and spiders, 99% dangerous and deadly.

Tasmanian Devils will try their best to fuck you up.

Goannas are like the Komodo Dragons of Aus, and can move pretty fucking fast.

The Magpies all want you dead, no exceptions.
The Kookaburras know this and are giggling about your imminent demise already…

The ocean has shells that will murder you, pretty fish that will murder you, ugly fish that will murder you, aqua!snakes that will murder you, tiny floating boxes that will murder you agonisingly… and this tiny, cute octopus creature that will kill you in under two minutes… and you won’t even know it bit you until too late.

Like, in short, why the fuck aren’t MORE horror movies set around here. You don’t even need a ‘viral outbreak sent the animals crazy’ subplot, most wildlife will fuck you up for free?

Seriously… think about it. 

Someone do it.

And for the love of god, do not let anyone who ‘can do an aussie accent’ in your movies… they can’t, it’s just plain annoying, and the only way it’s permissible is if they die first, or the most gruesomely.