As a human being, you have unlimited potential. Think about it. We are the only species that is able to shape our lives with the power of our decisions. So use your mind, use your heart, and create your masterpiece.
Totally just using tumblr as like a picture diary and vent fest. I sort of have this image in my city of being a super positive, empowering human when in reality I’m a sad sack of shit.
I live in Texas and I met a boy who lived in Florida. This was back when I was like 90 lbs. we talked non stop for weeks and in between me switching companies to work for, I had a break. He jokingly said I should come visit him. I totally did, too. 19 fucking hours my 90 lb body drove. Never stopped to sleep, just drove straight. Wasn’t even supposed to be driving over 100 miles. So I didn’t tell anyone till I left.
I met him at 3 am on his door step. I have never felt the way I did in that moment. I remember it being super chilly that night and me not being prepared for it and when he hugged me it was so warm and just homey.
I had the best four days of my life. He took me to my first bar, a magic show, fancy restaurants, car shows, a concert, to watch the sun set out on a pier, he drove me around and showed me where every relative he had lived and told me all his stories, he got us a hotel with a room that faced the ocean and I remember he stopped to pet every single dog we walked past. He honestly was the most kind, charming and beautiful man I had ever met.
I had been restricting so badly and I remember not wanting him to think I was crazy so I ate and oh my god did I eat. Amazing food. Incredible food. And he just made me not even worry about ana.
I left and was so depressed. I cried the first 3 hours of my drive. Ugly crying. Like Kim Kardashian crying. Ew.
We kept talking every day and face timing and sending each other presents in the mail. We kept missing one another and talking about one day, what if.
Then one day came. A 7 weeks after me visiting he tells me he’s moving to my city. He found a job and we’re going to do this. I had never been so happy in my entire life. I had to wait two months for him and every day my excitement grew.
My weight stayed around 104 or below that whole time.
He came. He really came. He moved in with me in my shitty downtown apartment and we had the greatest life. We were so happy. We danced, we sang, we cooked, we ate, we drank, we laughed until we cried and we loved so fucking hard.
Then I went to the doctor one day. Was told I had a normal healthy BMI and I flipped. It was his fault. I kept trying to restrict after that but my love for cooking had grown with his passion to eat good food and it was so hard. When I was alone I could stay tiny.
So I did what I’ve always done and I ran. I left him, without any explanation. Broke him. Crushed him. This man had moved across the country for me and after a year I just left. All because my BMI reached the healthy percentile. Not even above, right on it.
Relatiobshits make you fat, right?
It’s been 7 months now. About 2 months ago he popped back up and then we went out a few times and the scale went up and I cut him off without a word.
Because I’m a terrible fucking person. Obviously.
Then tonight he reached out to me and after talking back and forth he asked me to come over and I did. When he opened his phone I saw he had been sending heart emojis to someone so I ended up asking him about it. He’s apparently been talking to this girl I know for a whiiiiiile. Makes sense why the last time I saw her she gave me a death stare. Oh well.
Anyways tonight I was over there watching the World Series and he just grabbed me and hugged me. So tightly and so warm. Like the first hug. He wouldn’t let go and he kissed my forehead and said “I miss you”
Later he hugged me again and then kissed me for real and I kissed back and I ended up in his lap and we started really making out and then I stopped because I’m like “holy shit what are we doing” and he just looks at me like “what have I’ve done” (SERIOUSLY NOT A FUCK BOY. SERIOUSLY HE IS THE MOST KIND HEARTED SOUL TO BLESS THE EARTH AND IM AN EVIL WITCH)
I told him I was sorry and tried to leave and said I hope he doesn’t make this a habit and he grabbed me and hugged me again for what felt like forever and then grabbed my hands and said “I will forever love you” and I know he will and god do I love him too. So much.
My mom introduces him (yeah they still see one another since he has no family here and my mom adores him) as “the one who got away”
And, he is.
I want him back so badly because I know we make one another whole. God there’s so much I could tell and you would just know it too. But he makes me happy and carefree and that makes me fat. I’m seriously choosing ana over love.
And that’s true love for Ana..
Thanks for letting my have a diary. Just needed to say all of that.
laurenjauregui: Thank you so much @teenvogue and @urbanoutfitters for putting together this panel of amazingly inspiring humans. I was so honored to be sitting next to this beautiful human @amani to discuss immigration and the rights of human beings. Speaking about these things and being active with other badass empowering women, men and humans are what make my heart glow with light. We are making differences every single day, I can read it in those young faces when I look out into a crowd. I can’t thank God enough for giving my voice this kind of power and I don’t take a moment of it for granted. Be strong and keep emanating your power because we are ALL going to change the way we talk about the progression and evolution of the human race❤️ so worth the red eye😍
Stories matter. Many stories matter. Stories have been used to dispossess and to malign, but stories can also be used to empower and to humanize. Stories can break the dignity of a people, but stories can also repair that broken dignity.
If it’s one thing I hate in online political discourse more than anything, it’s political charts. The ones that show left and right on an x-axis and authoritarian and libertarian on the y-axis. There are other more complicated ones, and it seems like the more complicated they are the more arbitrary and therefore meaningless they become. Grouping things into clear left and right is simplistic, but it can be a useful shorthand as long as everyone knows what you’re referring to (e.g., in America we can safely call being for gun control left wing even though it’s not an issue in any Western country and Republicans were for it 40 years ago when Black Panthers started walking around with assault weapons.) These charts and associated tests also weigh every issue equally. One showed UKIP as center-right, because while wanting to rid the UK of anyone whose family came to Britain after the Battle of Hastings moves them to the right, they’re also against corporatism, which pushes them back to the left. And so a bunch crypto-fascists become moderates on the chart.
But the authoritarian-libertarian divide drives me especially nuts because it’s completely subjective. Everyone with any political beliefs struggles with the paradoxical, maybe even hypocritical twin desires to shape the world in their own image while being free of the will of others. How can we pick which label fits on which side of that tug-of-war? Maybe you’re an authoritarian for believing public schools shouldn’t be allowed to make kids recite the Lord’s Prayer, maybe you’re a libertarian for giving the kids the freedom of religion. Most libertarians I’ve seen have no problem, say, insisting everyone conform to their idea of gender. They also tell us that being chained to a job you hate because you’re afraid of losing their health insurance makes you more free, because something something free market.
Our whole modern concept of libertarianism was cooked up by robber barons to convince people that corporate freedom and personal freedom were the same thing, and as capital goes unrestrained then you will too, somehow, theoretically. If you watched the Libertarian Party Convention last year, and I highly recommend that you do so you don’t make the mistake of ever taking these people seriously, you’d notice they have particular disdain for the Civil Rights Act. They think of it as an imposition of the state on businesses, and I guess technically it is. If the Libertarians god forbid ever get a president, I’m sure black people will enjoy the freedom of driving around for three hours looking for a restaurant that will take them. In the libertarian view, the freedom to oppress is the greatest freedom of all.
Some of the more complicated charts go far as to specify social and economic issues. I have yet to find any clear definition of what the hell this means. As far as I can tell a social issue is any issue that tends not to affect straight white men. Abortion is considered the ur-social issue, but having a baby drastically changes your economic situation, so it’s definitely a matter of economics. Drug laws are social I guess, but going to prison for ten years certainly harms your lifetime earning potential. Immigration is a perfect intersection of everything, it has obvious economic implications while drawing on all our ideas of race, nationalism, language, and citizenship itself.
I didn’t mean to let this go on for so long but these goddamn charts never seem to die and I think it’s important people give serious thought to what they believe, why they believe it, and how making these little D&D alignment charts devalues all of our messy humanity while empowering pious hypocrites.
Cecilia let out a low grunt as she heard a phone
buzzing from the other room, and put her hands over her ears, shifting in her
bed so she could bury her face in her pillow, staying in that stuffed position
for a short while before sitting up, ruffling her hair angrily as she looked at
her closed door with an almost pleading look in her eyes.
‘Why must I always wake up like this?’ She impulsively
grabbed her shades as she stepped out of bed and opened her bedroom door.
‘Clover! Clover turn off your phone for the love of
God I really don’t like waking up earlier than needed.’
She closed her door again and let out a sigh as she
looked around her room for her earbuds, which were practically the only things
that have kept her from going insane. Even with her earbuds in, she could still
hear the clattering from her roommate in the other room and she let out a soft
‘It’s been four years, yet she still doesn’t know how
to do things silently.’
She stepped out of her room after getting dressed into
the strangely casual school uniform which consisted of a pair of light gray
jeans and a silk t-shirt in the color representing the class of someone’s power, which in Cecilia’s case, was a light
Every day, she considered herself lucky, seeing people
walk around in bright red shirts for the Element class or deep purple shirts
for the Desires class. It was some way of keeping order in the school. It was
impossible to know everyone’s powers, but with these colored shirts, at least
you kind of knew what you could expect.