employee jokes

Saw this on my facebook feed and immediately thought of you guys. This is definitely on the top 10 list of the most annoying shit retail employees hear customers joke about. -Abby

Dylann Roof described by his co-workers

Brock Pack (a crew leader at Clark’s) said Dylann:

  • Often spaced or zoned out while working. One day, while working on a house by the lake, he was edging around the rocks by the lake. There was no fence and he was edging three houses down from the house they were working on. Brock had trouble getting his attention and had to get in front of him to get him back on the right property. 
  • Would go sit somewhere else by himself if the crew sat down for lunch before him (even though the rest of the crew was sitting together. The crew went to lunch together most every day).
  • Would sit with the crew only if he sat down first and the crew sat next to him. 
  • Said everything in a monotone voice and would not crack a smile when joking (this made brock have a hard time knowing when he was joking).
  • Often wore two shirts and had his pants rolled up at the bottom with his socks pulled high.
  • Seemed to have no interests outside of work.

John Patton (co-worker) said Dylann:

  • Was difficult to get answers from that were more than a word or two (john tried to get to know Dylann but it was hard to do so because of this).
  • Told john that he was only working because his dad made him.
  • Fell asleep virtually any time he was stationary, even when he was in the truck for only 2 or 3 minutes on the way to the next job.
  • Was seen sitting on his own at lunch by John. 
  • When asked about hobbies one time, said he did not do anything; he just went home and sat in his room.
  • Was asked if he played video games and he responded, “No, I literally look at the walls.”

Brian Fanning (a manager of the landscaping division at Clarks) said Dylann:

  • Was extremely quiet; it was like pulling teeth to get him to give more than a one-word answer. Even when he did give a longer answer, it would take him a long time to provide an answer of any kind.
  • Worked at Clark’s for approximately two months in 2014 (from late March to early June) and for less than two months in 2015 (from mid-April to late May).

The following’s from a news article. I couldn’t find the documents.

Dylann’s former coworkers described him as largely “keeping to himself,”. One of his former coworkers recalled him offering to show them the pistol he had recently purchased with money given to him by his father. The man said he told Dylann not to bring the pistol to work.

Another former coworker recalled a time when a fellow employee “made some racist joke,” after which Dylann stated that he was a racist. Dylann also told the man that he would like to one day get a job as a clerk or someone in the retail field, but no one would hire him due to the way he looks.

(I’ve edited this post since posting it to make it easier to read)

you want me to do what now?

this is my @aftgexchange fic for the wonderful @lukesunburn, who asked for a fake dating andreil au! i hope you don’t mind how i wrote it and i hope you like it!

(in this au, tilda never gave andrew up for foster care so he never met cass or drake, which means he and aaron grew up in the same house and have a better relationship with each other. also seth, riko, and the rest of the moriyamas just miraculously don’t exist! the ideal au!)

If one more customer asks for some secret menu bullshit like this is a fucking Starbucks, Andrew thought to himself as he lit a cigarette. I am going to slit them open from mouth to anus with one of the kitchen knives and wear them like a jacket. I’m completely sure of it.

He was currently on break at his shitty job, taking a much needed smoke break after dealing with some entitled teenage girls who claimed they knew the menu better than an employee who had worked there for nearly 6 months, It had been Nicky’s idea for him to get a part-time job, since they were dangerously tight on money and his little stint at Eden’s wasn’t enough to provide for 3 people and still have leftovers. So, after being forced out of the house,  Andrew took a job at the first place that was hiring, which happened to be a small cafe around the corner called The Den. Luckily, the owner either didn’t care or he didn’t see Andrew’s juvie record because he threw a tacky orange apron at him and said his shift started in 5 minutes. The job paid well and Andrew didn’t have to interact with anyone who made him want to stick his head into the blender while it was on, so all was well as it could be.

“Andrew?” Renee poked her head out of the back door, rainbow tipped hair swishing around her jaw. “Can you do me a favor and go work the counter?”

Sighing, Andrew slid his lighter back into his pocket and took a drag of his cigarette. Was there any place where he could just be alone? At least for more than 4 minutes?

“Just in case someone stops by?”, she continued, clasping her hands in front of her. “I know it’s your break and all, but the meringue I had prepared for the tarts fell so I have to make more and since Jamie left early, we’re the only ones still on the clock” She shook her head. “No one told him to try and match Kevin shot for shot and get hungover.”

Andrew nodded in agreement. Although Kevin’s drinking habit wasn’t the best coping mechanism, it gave him one hell of an alcohol tolerance. Not that it was a good thing.

Renee Walker was one of the only people who could convince Andrew to even think about doing anything. Other employees would try, but then give up once Andrew stayed firmly rooted wherever he was without batting an eyelash.There was something about the icy undertones in Renee’s soft voice that made Andrew harbor some reluctant respect for her, no matter how much the other employees joked about her being too soft. Andrew, who had seen Renee drag a man twice her size out of the cafe by nothing but his hair, begged to differ.

“Alright.” Andrew got up off the step that served as his bench and brushed the gravel off his jeans, stubbing out his cigarette as he got up. “But I expect you to save me some of those tarts before my shift starts tomorrow.”, he grumbled.

Renee held the door open for him as he stepped back inside the suffocating warmth of the cafe. “Of course.”, she said, patting him on the shoulder in thanks

After wiping the fog from the lens of his glasses, Andrew discarded his heavy jacket for the starchy apron and pulled his hair back with one of the bandanas his boss insisted all of his employees wore, especially if they wanted to keep their jobs. Thankfully, it was mid-afternoon, nearly bleeding into night and way past time for the usual lunch rush, so Andrew resigned himself to the barstool behind the cash register and checked on the cat game he had downloaded, sucking his teeth angrily when he saw that Nicky had yet again renamed all of his cats to stupid things while he had been in the shower that morning.

Then, silence be damned, someone came barreling into the cafe and if Andrew didn’t have his wits about him, he would’ve fallen off the stool.

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A customer walks into a hunting store.

Customer: Where’s the guitars?

Employee: What guitars?

Customer: The guitars your store sells. Your store sells guitars right?

Employee: we don’t sell guitars.

Customer: Then why is this store called Bass Pro!?

The employee stares at the customer. The customer smiles.

Employee: This is a Cabela’s you jerk.

Customer : Still funny.

Things I've learned while working in retail. (Mostly pet peeves.)

1) We are underpaid, underappreciated, and expected to do way to much for minimum wage.
2) If you are shopping in our store, and you see us trying to straighten up our area (zoning, folding tables, fixing racks, ect.) and you mess it up, I will give you a dirty look. And I will talk about you to my co-workers because now we hate you.
3) If you’re nice and polite to us, we will move mountains to try and help you with whatever you need.
4) Likewise, if you’re rude to us for absolutely NO REASON, we will not help you in anyway. (Unless you count dirty looks as helping, then I’ll help you a lot.)
5) If you are at my register checking out, and I ask you how you are doing, do not ignore me. That’s just rude. If you do that to me, I’ll bag your food with your bleach and pray that the bottle spills and you eat the food and die. Clear? Just respond “Fine.” That’s good enough for me.
6) If you are checking out in my lane, and you decide you don’t want something, do not lay in on top of the gum, or on the bottom of the check lane. JUST HAND THEM TO ME!! I’d be happy to take them from you, rather than have to go back later and clean up after you.
7) Because I work at Target, it is my job to ask you about the redcard. If you aren’t interested, simply say no, and I won’t continue talking about it. You don’t have to be rude to me because I’m doing my job. (Speaking of credit cards: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ABUSE THE CARD READER TO GET IT TO WORK. STABBING IT WITH YOUR FUCKING FINGER IS NOT GOING TO GET IT TO WORK! Pick up the stylus and use it. It’ll will work 99.9% of the time. And no, I do not have the “magic touch.” I just use the damn stylus.)
8) I am not your maid, babysitter, disciplinary figure, or parent. I will tell your kids to stop running, to get out of the racks, and to get off my register. I will give you dirty looks if your kid is screaming uncontrollably and you aren’t doing a damn thing about it.
9) If you drop something, for God sakes, just pick it up. Don’t look at me, say “Oops” and walk off. I might walk over and punch you in the vagina, you prick.
10) I work retail to support myself. This job is my only source of income. Please don’t be an asshole and make my job miserable.

Please be considerate, polite, and courteous. It makes our day better.

Steal My Heart (steal my whole life too) 8/24

Genre: Chaptered, fantasy AU, Prince!Phil, Thief!Dan, romance, enemies to lovers, angst and fluff, slow burn (like serious slow burn)

Warnings: some violence, mentions of death (no main characters), dark magic, descriptions of wounds/blood, some hints of sexual scenes (but no actual smut), murder, dangerous situations, stealing/thievery

Summary: Captain of the Royal Guard and Prince of Morellia, Philip Lester has never been given the chance to find love. Instead, he’s run from a system that works to end class differences and improve equality for its citizens. Happy as he is to make the world a better place, Phil can’t help feeling bitter towards his ancestors for making it impossible for him to find someone who will actually love him for more than just his title, and strives instead for a life of justice and doing good - only to meet his match in the King of Thieves, a man who will change everything he once thought he knew in life. Together, they must depart on a quest to save the kingdom, and, in the process, destroy their differences and find their own form of love.

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You mean for the past seven months, I’ve been surrounded by dead angels?!?!

That’s it. As soon as I find which Wal-Mart is Gabriel and Samandriel’s afterlife, I’m transferring. I think working with those two would be fantastic fun :D

Midnight talks

Inspired by the drama: Suspicious Partner (it’s awesome, go watch it)

Words: 769

Genre: Fluff

Member: Taehyung


I was nervous

Really fucking nervous.

How was I supposed to tell Jimin what happened? He would freak out? Or would he?

Considering he told me he didn’t really care about me, or worried about me. But then again, he did force me to stay at his place because he didn’t think it was safe for me to stay in my office. That meant he cared about me a small amount, right?

I unlocked the door after I slipped out of my working clothes and jumped into my pj’s. I decided to wear a turtle neck, that way, even after I showed it to him, he couldn’t stare at it while he let his anger out and get even more angry. I’m assuming that’s how guys work.

It was very quiet, the only sound coming from the speakers. I never thought Jimin would be the type of person to love acoustic songs, but he did. He played them every single day. He’d also choose to play the acoustic versions of fast and turnt up songs. I wasn’t complaining though, considering I was a huge fan of acoustic songs in the first place.

Jimin was sitting on the couch, sipping on a cup of tea. Next to his tea, in front of the lonely single couch, was a cup of tea, and I’m assuming it was for me. My slippers made noises as I walked towards the couch, bringing Jimin’s attention to me.

He didn’t say anything. He just watched me as I took the seat and grabbed the cup and drank the warm tea.

It was good for my throat even if it stung.

I placed down my cup, and licked the remaining taste on my lips. ‘’Hey.’’ I said, softly.

Jimin nodded, ‘’Hey.’’

I wasn’t really sure how to tell him, so instead, I decided to just go straight to the point so I could get this overwith, and show him. ‘’You might want to grab a pillow or something,’’ He scrunched his eyebrows, but watched as I pulled down the turtleneck of my sweater and revealed what I attempted to hide from him.

I watch as his expression went from confused to furious.

But surprisingly, he didn’t do anything. Instead he stretched out his hand, probably to try and get a better view, but quickly pulled it back. ‘’What happened?’’

‘’You wanted to know why I was hiding, and this is why.’’ I explained. Jimin blinked a couple of times trying to register what I just told him.

‘’You didn’t think this was important enough to tell me?’’ He breathed out in frustration, ‘’Who did it to you?’’

I shook my head, ‘’That’s not important.’’

‘’Not? Important?’’ Jimin looked around as if he was trying to find something to punch, but he couldn’t and turned back to me. ‘’Why?’’ He sighed, ‘’Why would someone do such a thing?’’

‘’I know why he did it, and it-‘’

‘’He!?’’ Jimin’s voice quickly raised. ‘’How many times do I have to tell you not to hang with sick bastards like those?’’

Suddenly, a single tear escaped my eyes. I wasn’t crying because I was mad at him for yelling at me, I was crying because for the first time in a while, I felt important and I felt like someone actually cared about me. Like someone was actually worried about me. And it felt nice, for a change. ‘’You have to tell me when things like this happen because how am I su-‘’

Suddenly, my arms were wrapped around his arms. I’ve never done this before, even if he knew that my feelings towards him were strong. Even if I knew that he didn’t feel like that towards me. Even when I knew he only cooperated with me because I was his co-worker. But now, I scooted all of that away and hugged him for making me feel so special.

After feeling so lonely for so many years, after knowing that people judged me in the street for a horrible act I never even did, he came along and made my life ten times better.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ I whispered. ‘’I didn’t want to worry you.’’

‘’I’m not worried about you; I’m just worried about my company losing an employee’’ He joked. I knew he was joking because his arms were wrapped around mine too, and if I wasn’t wrong, I could feel his arms pulling me tighter to his chest.

I chuckled, ‘’You’re never going to lose me.’’

‘’Good,’’ I closed my eyes and sank deeper in his arms, ‘’I, I mean we, wouldn’t want that…’’

Letting Go

Member: Jin || BTS

Genre: Action, Fluff, Angst

Short Summary: He’s just a man who can see and talk to ghosts. Upon encountering her he becomes a man who can see and talk to ghosts, as well as help the police force with the crucial pieces of info from the crime scenes.

A/N: Ay, this too me like a life-time to complete. I ain’t joking, too. Like, legit 7 months or so ;-)

Words: 1.7k

He was surrounded in a pitch-black darkness, unable to see, unable to breathe, unable to feel. He felt cold all around his body, see-through hands grabbing at his form as he floated in the air, trying to fight the beings off with every ounce of strength he possessed. It obviously wasn’t enough to free himself, but definitely too much to anger the dead beings.

With a startle, the tall man woke up, beads of sweat gliding down his temple and forehead. He took in an ample amount of deep breaths before making himself calm down completely and finally with the right set of minds he got out of his comfortable bed, scurrying for the kitchen.

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*Pacific Rim voice* In the beginning these prompt responses were a few hundred words. Then a thousand. The last one was nearly 2k. This one is nearly 3. If this keeps up we could be seeing the blogger writing fuckin novellas every week because they don’t want to focus on their actual responsibilities.

Anyway this is not what the prompt meant by “witch” but here we are. This probably needs a cw: for child abuse.

Tuesjade prompt: witch

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Secret Lives (Part 3)

Words: 1.4k

Summary: You and Steve(Castiel) are enjoying your new relationship when an old friend shows up.

Warnings: Angst, fluff, language

A/N: This one actually made me sad to write. There is obviously some canon divergence here (no assumed date with Nora, no sad Steve!Castiel- but we can still assume he was attacked) Tags at the end, let me know if you want to be added.


You and Steve acted like a couple, although you never formally defined your relationship. He went about his routine of shifts at the Gas-n-Sip while you fielded calls and helped with minor researching for active hunters. You were amazed at how you started to think you could live a life like this permanently. You never would have thought about staying in one place before; not until you met Steve.

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Arkham asylum, under funded and over packed was a death trap and health code violation. Most of the walls were peeling with lead paint, the air tainted with black mold, and their techniques torturous at best. It stood tall and ominous against the shiney skyscrapers of Gotham down town like a bad omen of the past. No funds to change the living conditions and keep the maximum security inmates elsewhere it remained a tainted homage to the past. Like Mr. Arkham had said in the early years…the walls were sick with madness and despair. And although their motto was “to turn their faces from darkness to light” they did little to make that true for the more dangerous inmates. The staff believing that horrible people deserved horrible treatment. Inmate 0801, known as John Doe, was one such inmate. And as a reprocussion John lashed out the most. Having gone through seven doctors and 9 therapists the warden gave up all hope. And so John became a permanent fixture in Arkham. They stopped all treatment besides sedatives and antipsychotics. Their torturous ECT treatments had stollen his memories away and while at first them calling him John Doe was a stubborn joke on his part it soon became reality. But his memory loss wasn’t all those treatments did, they had fractured his jaw and broke a few teeth. Requiring three months of having his mouth wired shut John’s diet of Ensure caused him to thin out and develop a low appetite. His file stopped being updated, and he was forgotten. Resident of Arkham, John Doe. Until Arkham received a large sum of money for funds and new equipment. And so the forgotten monster became the new highlight of Arkham. A dare. A test. An initiation for new employees. A joke.

“Doctor Harleen Quinzel?” 

Harleen slightly jumped at the warden’s voice and she looked up, quickly adjusting her glasses and standing. “Yes sir?” she asked.

“You’re up.”

She knew what he meant. Most may have dreaded it, but not her. She had been waiting anxiously to talk to patient 0801. John Doe was known by many names…but the most famous was The Joker. She was ready. At least, she hoped she was. But she was a good doctor, she made sure that she worked hard and that she was a good doctor.

A few hours later, she walked into a room and sat down at a metal table. Across from her sat the awaiting chair for her patient. She pulled a notepad and pen from her lab coat and took a deep breath before nodding to the guard.

“Send him in.”

League is obviously bad for a lot of reasons but honestly like…

Taric is… Well an overtly feminine personality man with exaggerated walk cycle that feels kinda :/

A riot employee made a joke about Kayn being gay for Zed but as far as I know it was just that, him being gay treated as a joke.

They no-homo’d us with that one Lux debacle

Aurelion Sol is… Queercoded for sure, and honestly like thats the best we get… A queercoded space dragon…