Be delicate with your emotions. Whether you realize it or not, there is a reason behind each and every one of them. Accept what it is that you feel, and take care of yourself accordingly.
During the lonely times, whether it’s day or night, I think about who I’d believe when they said ‘everything will be okay’. The answer is always you. When I’m admiring the stars or the sunset, I ask myself who I’d want to share the moment with. The answer is always you. When I learn something new and inspiring, I ask myself who I want to tell. The answer is always you. When I write a poem or paint a picture, I ask myself who I want to show it to. The answer is always you. I don’t always feel comfortable talking to other people about things that really matter to me, but I would with you. You mean a lot to me. I feel like you get me in a way most people don’t.

This might be tmi, but I’d really like to go to therapy one day. I’ve been wanting to do therapy for about ten years but I just haven’t been able to. I want to find out why I’m unable to be vulnerable, or why I struggle to emotionally connect with people for a lasting time. Or why I connect to some people deeply, but they seem to forget I exist. Or why I struggle with many different kinds of intimacy. Or why I seem to have these delusions of grandeur about myself and my life, and what it is, and could be. I want to delve into this and explore it and figure out what’s wrong with me, and I want to try to FIX these problems. Because I really, really, really want to be happy. 

Beau Taplin said “One day, whether you are 14, 28, or 65, you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die. However, the saddest most awful truth you will ever come to find—is they are not always with whom we spend our lives.” I had seen this quote before a dozen times, but I didn’t understand what it meant until I knew you. I met you at 14 and I instantly felt a connection with you. Soon I thought of you as my best friend. I told you everything I was afraid to tell anyone else because I knew you wouldn’t judge me. You told me quite a bit about yourself and your insecurities too. But I never once judged you. Although you didn’t think much of yourself or that someone like me deserved better than you, I didn’t care. I loved you for who you were, flaws and all. I never understood why you thought so little of yourself when you meant everything to me. You were a prince and a warrior in my eyes. You were my first love. I loved you as much as my whole innocent heart could. You changed my life. You opened my eyes and heart to a new level of understanding in love and in pain. You awoke my soul. I ran into you two years ago today, but I haven’t been the same since. Some people never experience such love or heartbreak in this life, but I did, thanks to you. I still regret never telling you. I think it could have helped you feel better about yourself. I don’t want to dwell on this long, but I’ll never forget you and how you helped me become the person I am today.
—  February 21
little things about the Dear Evan Hansen cast album

- evan’s “oh… ://// good… :////” in the opening

- the perfect teenage logic of connor’s (not word-for-word) “oh you don’t want me to go to school high, then i won’t go, glad we agree *leaves*”

- heidi and cynthia’s harmonies yas 

- okay but waving through a window is actually v sad especially when you know the storyline and it’s messing me up and ?

- the transition from “do you ever really crash or even make a sound” to “did I even make a sound” like!!!!

- the musical silence from “will i ever make a sound” to when the chorus starts again LoUDLy

- ben’s VibRaTooOOoOoOoOoO

- “i’m on the ground, my arm goes numb.” pause. “and i see him come to get me.”

- the desperation in evan’s voice when he repeats “he’s come to get me” like babe no

- evan calling connor “buddie” pls my heart can’t take this

- the implications of evan, when creating connor in his head, immediately imagined that connor had helped him after falling from the tree like frick

- “Why would you write that?” “I’m just trying to tell the truth” i love you jared

- jared’s sarcasm, “ s m oking d r u gs?”, “KINKY!”, “very specific”

- evan calling connor “dude” lol bro nice try

- even when evan and connor specifically do their “no homo” it’s still very gay 

- HEY HEY HEY HEY ***harmonies****

- cynthia can i hang out with you pls thx

- “that YoUUUU ARe NOt the MONSTER that I knewwww”

- the vibrato on the word “he” like

- ben’s voice so seamlessly transitions from low to high it’s

- “i’m just trying to remember the best ones” too precious

- “you looked really pretty–er–uh–*cough*–um–ah–it looked pretty cool”

- the progressions of the “I love you”s 

- mike’s voice is so pureeeee

- the little final whispered “disappear”

- the growth of YOU WILL BE FOUND to the full chorus just BLASTING their beautiful HARMONIES

- michael park is such a dad, i’m emotional

- can i fight evan’s actual father asap

- “you don’t have to be scared you’re not enough”

- BEN AND LAURA’s HARmonIEs Just!!!!!

- how quickly evan responds, like he’s just so excited, these two

- the hand-drums during “only us” yes 


- g u i t a r “I’m SORRY that I’m NOt EnouGH, THANk GOd They RESCuED You” like fuq let it out heidi

- alana and jared’s harmonies!!!!! their voices are so pretty!!! and strong!!!! petition for an alana and jared musical 

- how quietly ben starts until he’s absolutely BELTING “I gotta find a way to STOP it STop IT just let me OOOOOOOOOUt”

- someone nominate Rachel Bay Jones for a Tony

-ben’s breathing in “words fail” someone help him

- the throwback to “waving through a window” i’m not crying you’re crying

- actually now we’re both crying

- who the fuck approved evan going off his meds like dr. sherman wtf

- how ben emphasizes certain words and it’s so painful i can’t talk about it this song is just so–too-i

- “would they like what they saw…or would they hate it…too” 

- i cri

- hope at the end but i’m still crying

If she could pinpoint her feelings down to the point where she could explain them to someone, she would. But the thing is, feelings aren’t exactly stable objects, ones that you can hold down and classify as one thing over another. Her feelings were mood swings, lunging upwards and downwards the way roller coasters work. She searched within herself, trying to make sense of what she felt, only to find out that she was blindly pulling bits and pieces of her heart out, like a toy, at the same time refused to acknowledge what her mind already knew.