emotional discipline

I’m really sick of hearing “children need to be disciplined” and abusers passing up abuse for discipline because for who exactly do children need to be disciplined? what is a disciplined child? one who does what they’re told, that’s a child who doesn’t make noise, doesn’t complain or ask for anything, does things according to rules adults set for them, doesn’t require anything except what adults give them, basically, not a human being, not someone who is free, not someone with human rights, not someone who has the right to do what they want or to say what they need. Disciplining is taking freedom away in return for nothing, discipline is not for the sake or benefit or children but for their caretakers, so they don’t have to deal or spend any time or energy on the said children, and even have children do shit for them. 

For children it’s good to try out everything, to ask for everything, to make a mess, to make noise, to enjoy themselves, to test all their limits and figure out what makes them feel good and what doesn’t, to figure out which kind of work they enjoy, eating when they feel like it, sleeping when they feel like it. Taking this away will never ever benefit the child, it will only benefit the caretakers. It’s not the child’s fault that this society isn’t safe or accepting for child’s development, that their freedom means nothing if they can instead be tucked away and forced to be silent and get shit done if they wanna live. Children aren’t here to please everyone else or to get stuff done, and forcing them to be “disciplined” by punishments will absolutely not lead them to a balanced and productive adult life, it will make them feel guilty, scared, anxious and ashamed if they don’t manage to fulfill impossible schedules and thousands of chores. 

A child can benefit from fair and structured environment where they know what the rules are and what they’re allowed to do, what the rewards are, and what are the consequences if they do wrong, provided they actually have enough freedom to explore and do what they want and the rules don’t change continually based on adult’s moods. But only thing that is truly wrong is hurting others, so they should not suffer consequences for anything but that. But somehow that’s one thing everyone easily gets away with, and they’re instead getting punished whenever adults perceive them as a nuisance or just wanna lash out and find an excuse for it. So whatever is being passed up as “good for the child” is anything but. Before you claim any abuse is “discipline”, remember that they’re in most cases one and the same thing, and never benefit the child.

4

Snape: You’re just like your father. Lazy, arrogant…
Harry: Don’t say a word against my father.
Snape: Weak.
Harry: I’m not weak.
Snape: Then prove it! Control your emotions! Discipline your mind!
                                                  Legilimens!

Alan Rickman as Severus Snape in “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix”

I actually am in charge of telling my emotions what’s right and wrong, not the other way around. Let’s say I’m really angry at the person in front of me in the car. And I have to tell myself, “You don’t know that person, you don’t know what they’re going through, you don’t know where they’re going to.” Just simple things like that, that’s just a very simple daily example of something you need to talk to yourself and be like, “Emotions, chill out.” And other times when you get angry over some injustice, you realize, “Now that’s good, I should be angry.” So, there are boundaries for knowing when it’s safe to let your emotions lead you and when it’s time for you to lead them.
—  Lacey Sturm

I think a lot of what abusive parents label as “teaching child to behave” is merely “putting the child back into it’s place”, meaning reminding the child it has no rights, no authority, no freedom to do what everyone else can do, no right to assert a need, no right to treat others the way it’s being treated.

I have definitely experienced this. I assumed as a child I have same rights and values as a parent and when I acted accordingly, I was shut down very fast, and got put back into the place of someone who was on the very bottom of hierarchy, and reminded to stay there. For instance, if I tried to somehow provide something to the household, like bringing home berries and chestnuts or creating something or making some kind of food, I would be instantly reminded that what I do doesn’t matter, my contributions have no value, only what parents do has any kind of value and my contributions were to be criticized, ignored and deemed no worthy of even looking at. I saw that one parent could demand any food and eat whatever they wanted but when I tried to do the same and demand food I liked, I was reminded that I had no such rights and have to eat whatever is put in front of me. (i wasn’t demanding for lots of sweets or anything unhealthy). When I tried to assert my voice and to point out how I was being treated unfairly, my words held no weight to them, and I was reminded that only once I’m as old as my parents my voice will count for something, they were older so they would decide what’s right. If grownups wanted something from me all they had to do was raise their voice, raise their hands, blackmail me or beat me into submission. If I wanted something from them, I would get told that “nobody gets what they want.”

This might not seem like a huge deal, but if we count in that they were strongly holding against me how they provide to the household and I don’t, thus I am worthless, and then they brushed off every single thing I tried to provide, it’s a big deal, it’s telling me that even if I try my hardest I cannot be valuable in any way, except for pleasing them. If I add that. If I add in that I was trying to tell my parents that grandma was brutally beating me and treating me like her personal slave and calling me animal names and they discarded it immediately because “she’s old and wise” then it’s a big deal. For a child physically much smaller and powerless against adults being coerced by violence to not have any boundaries and to do everything and anything an adult might require them to do was devastating, and it led me to believe that every single thing I’m most afraid of will happen, against my will, no matter how much I try to prevent it (being force fed alcohol, being forced into clothes that were triggering because earlier i got beaten up in them, being locked into a small room and degraded)

Family is a hierarchy where parents/caretakers decide everything about the child, the worth, what they deserve, how they should be treated, how much is expected of them, how much they have to “behave” and accommodate other’s needs before their own, how guilty they need to feel if they haven’t been able to fulfill the role set for them, how scared they need to be if the parent is angry, how brutally and viciously they can be punished if they misstep, if they deserve any comfort or compassion when they’re hurt, if the child should be forgiven for their mistakes, if they should be degraded and humiliated for a long time, if they have any rights, if they’re allowed to have needs, if they’re allowed to express themselves, if they’re allowed to belong and be treated like a part of the family. The child is ultimately powerless to define themselves in any way, or to achieve any rights or value that parents have already decided to not give to them. And abusive parents want their children to be aware that they’re nothing, and to behave like it.

anonymous asked:

Could you clarify the line between being a strict parent and being abusive? And the line between chastising/discipline and emotional abuse?

damn you expect a lot out of a person with a trauma blog. 

I’m going to go ahead and say that all discipline is abuse. The mere idea that you have the right to discipline someone implies ownership over that person, and you do not own your children, and thus do not have the ultimate right to decide what happens to them when they fuck up. You are in position to do that, yes, but the right to punish/discipline/chastise someone? You cannot have that over someone who is your equal. So when you discipline children, you’re letting them know you’re not equal, you’re the authority, you’re the one who decides what they deserve, what happens to them, you hold the control, you hold their lives in your hand, you’re the one they must fear when they’re doing something you might perceive as mistake, you’re the one they feel watched by when they’re scared. I cannot imagine how this wouldn’t be abusive. 

So what should you do with a child who’s hurting others, making heavy material damage, doesn’t care or respond to any positive reinforcement, steals and lights shit on fire and screams until it gets what it wants? I don’t freaking know okay I’ve never dealt with this situation I just think consequences for children should never fucking be heavier than consequences for adults! An adult doing any of this wouldn’t get beaten up and treated inhuman, even if they ended up in jail they still wouldn’t be facing what a lot of children are facing with their abusive parents, they wouldn’t get lashed at and emotionally abused and treated like less than human. 

I’m not sure if I can judge this rationally because I’ve been facing severe overpunishments for things that weren’t even mistakes. I didn’t pay enough attention to someone? Got slapped and screamed at. I confronted someone who hurt me? Got beaten up and locked up. I stood up for myself? I got emotionally abandoned by entire family and completely isolated and treated like I’m worthless and disposable. So I don’t know what is logical or acceptable after this experience. I just think that consequences should fit the actions. Children who are doing actual harm - by this i don’t mean being inconvenient, crying when parents dont wanna deal with it, feeling sad or depressed or tired, expressing when its not socially acceptable, having people annoyed at the noises they make, wanting something they can’t have, making a huge mess, ruining their clothes, not appreciating everything parents do, not willing to work without being appreciated, not perfectly understanding everyone’s feelings and being there for them, not making parent’s lives easier, because all of these are not mistakes or harm, all of this is just being a child and completely normal. Actual harm is actually severely hurting another human being, destroying something with a goal to hurt someone, doing over-the-top revenges, throwing huge tantrums in attempts to control parents and make them do what child wants, and children generally will do this because they naturally have a narcissistic phase and will try out all possible boundaries if they feel safe enough to, and i think in these cases it’s important to show the child that their harmful actions will have consequences for themselves, that they cannot actually get away with it without taking any responsibility. 

That was the catch in my childhood too, I would be severely punished for nothing, but if I hit my sister, or hurt someone else? Nothing. They just didn’t care. And this is the situation where there should be interference. 

The children need to lose something, some privilege, not something they need to survive, not food or shelter or safety or family, but a part of support, a part of privileges, maybe candy? I might be too soft I just believe it’s important they know they will face some consequences, but they will still remain human, they will still be safe, unless they cause someone to be permanently unsafe. If there’s no privileges you can take away from your child then something is already wrong in the start, a child should have a certain amount of things they want on the top of things they need (haha am I optimistic now or what, lets face it most kids don’t even have what they really need).

It’s dangerous to let children get away with hurting others because they will take this and apply it in later life and learn how easy it is to get away with hurting those weaker than them, and how they can always rely on that kind of lashing out and sadistic pleasure and basically it becomes okay in their minds because it was always safe to do! This will lead to them developing narcissistic traits unless they learn to truly empathize with those they’ve hurt at a young age. But do not freaking punish children for being loud and generally obnoxious and messy and for needing things and for not being super enthusiastic about school and responsibilities and chores and whatever because that’s just them being themselves, do not discipline children for their own personality and for searching themselves and for not being super convenient and easy to control and generally refusing to be your property. Any kind of “strictness” that doesn’t allow this freedom to children is abusive, any kind of discipline that makes them unequal and subservient to parents (discipline in origin isn’t a good thing at all, it comes with assumption of servitude and obedience and this is strongly dehumanizing and exploitative) and that denies logical consequences of children’s actions and instead forces whatever is convenient to the parents, on the emotional cost of children.

Also another thing that is insanely abusive is changing the rules constantly, based on parent’s moods! Rules and consequences are good (if none of them work against children’s physical or emotional well being of course) but if they are inconsistent and change based on how angry the parent is specific days it’s basically ensuring that child will live in deep anxiety, never knowing for what it can or can’t be punished, or how badly will they be hurt, because it depends on how badly a parent wants to lash out on something vulnerable that day. Having a consistent system where you know exactly what you can expect after doing a certain thing and not being afraid of some unknown fit of rage and abuse makes a safe childhood experience.

Also, rules that children need to abide by have to work for parents too! Parent accidentally hurts child? Same consequence for parents too. Parents shouldn’t be above the system and just deciding who gets punished and how, they should be inside together with children, living by the same rules, or the system is again just a toxic hierarchy where parents hold all power over children’s lives and there’s no equality. Not to mention children will just wait to grow up and then there will be no rules anymore. If the system is well internalized the children will have a good value system of what’s right and wrong and will get a chance to feel both safe and act as good people. 

That was it from a traumatized person’s viewpoint who spent most of their life in fear of death by psychopatic parents! If anyone has a different viewpoint to offer feel free to chip in anytime this is how far I’ve come with my thinking.

P90X3- Keep going

I’m in week 1 of Phase 3. And here’s the truth.

You WILL lose more weight in Phase 1.

Phase 2 is muscle building to PREPARE you for the fat shredding in Phase 3. You will lose almost NO weight. But you WILL lose inches.

Phase 3 is where the fat will almost melt off. 

You MUST be eating clean.

The scale is NOT everything and it does NOT define who you are. Keep in mind throughout the day you fluctuate abut 5 lbs up and down.

You MUST take before and after pictures. Seeing yourself everyday in the mirror blinds you to what’s actually happening.

You MUST measure yourself. See above.

You MUST drink a shit ton of water. EVERY DAY. You’d be surprised how much water retention can weight you down.

P90X3 is NOT just a program. It’s a transition into a lifestyle change.

And if you DON’T understand that, then you will NEVER keep the weight off and get to where you want to be.

My stats so far:

Sex: Female

Age: 22

Height: 5'2"

Frame size: Medium 

Start weight: 210

P90X3 start weight: 160

Current weight: 147

Ultimate goal weight: 120-125ish? (idk, we’ll see what happens….?)

Lost 9 lbs in Phase 1 (and about 2 inches). Lost NO WEIGHT IN PHASE 2, but lost 10 inches all over. Nearing the end of week 1 of Phase 3 and have lost 4 lbs already (no joke).

I’ve never been this lean in my life. I’ve never had this much muscle in my life. I’ve never been this happy in my life. I’ve been “that girl”. The fat girl all my life. I don’t even UNDERSTAND what it means to be “skinny” or “fit”. I still don’t. I cried tears of joy in the fitting room the first time I fit into a size medium shirt. Whispering, “I’m doing it. I’m doing it,” to myself in the mirror.

And yet the woman looking back at me in the mirror is so foreign to my own eyes. So different from what I’ve been. My arms are all muscle with no fat. The fat I always thought would be there. My stomach is my problem area, yet when I lie down, it’s flat. I run my hands over it sometimes in wonder because it’s wonderful and beautiful and my life has been changed forever by this journey.

The journey of loving yourself.

And this is why I am sharing with you all.

Don’t you give up. It’s not worth it.

Can you hear me?

Are you listening?

DON’T.

GIVE.

UP.

It’s okay to feel defeated. It’s okay to cry or get frustrated or to give yourself that cheat once in a while. But food is not the enemy. 

Humans are emotional, but you must learn to discipline your emotions or they will use you. Behind your feelings is nothing, but behind every principle is a promise. Get back up.

DON’T YOU DARE STOP WHEN YOU’RE TIRED.

STOP WHEN YOU’RE DONE.

youtube

What It Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Kids

Interview with Dr. Jonice Webb, author of Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect

i interpreted birth charts pls look it took me so long thank u

alrite i finished the maknae line here u go

i also have the hyung line’s charts

someone asked me about bts’s birth charts and i ended up getting way too into it so now there’s this i’m sorry also i don’t know the time of their births so position of the planets might not be entirely accurate and i don’t know their ascendants tragic

the books i used for this r stephen arroyo’s chart interpretation and spiritual astrology by jan spiller and karen mccoy

Keep reading

I completely understand the benefits of constructing a black communal identity against/contrary to whiteness – i.e., look at how violent white ppl are, have been, will continue to be – look at how we are none of those things! look at how much better we are, have been, n will continue to be! it seems to facilitate cohesion n solidarity – makes us feel part of a whole n proud to be, n also fxns to pull apart the mythology of whiteness (i.e., as a paragon, as sth to strive for, as neutral, as positive, n so on)

this construction of black identity is supposed to be a kind of reversal, at least in the symbolic sense… meaning that it’s supposed to flip that white/black dichotomy n demonstrate its hypocrisy/falseness – but the goal shldn’t be reversal, or anything even approximating reversal! it shld be the elimination of the dichotomy n the systems/structures that uphold said dichotomy

dichotomies are not naturally-occurring; they must be constructed n then sustained thru the continual construction of a reality in which it seems as though they are natural, n the parallel hiding of any evidence that they are not

n the prevailing mode of imagining black identity is dependent on just such a dichotomy, in which blackness is seen as unequivocally n unassailably positive contrary to whiteness – to sustain this kind of identity, we a) continually construct a reality in which nothing negative ever happens within blackness, n attribute negativity to whiteness, b) rigorously defend anything that cld be construed as negative within blackness to keep from confirming negative stereotypes abt blackness, n c) in the case that there is sth negative that cannot be hidden, excused or transformed, make sure it cannot be construed as representing the black identity at large

[this is the same way white identity is constructed contrary to blackness; so, a reversal]

so, for example: we see pedophilia n incest completely ignored, disregarded, made light of, or made to seem as though they don’t happen within the black community bc ostensibly, “only white ppl do that”, n we see the physical n emotional abuse (i.e., “discipline”) of black children made out to be an unequivocally positive practice that defines blackness against whiteness (i.e., “white children are evil/out of control bc their parents don’t beat them”)

these are not conducive to community – U actively alienate, invalidate n silence existing victims, n directly participate in a cycle of harm that allows for dehumanization n abuse to be passed down thru generations, all to maintain a social identity that is inherently insufficient n artificial

Gabriel Agreste character analysis

Because I have nothing better to do with my life than to put an excessive amount of overthinking into fictional characters who got ten minutes of airtime.

This got quite long, so it will be in multiple parts. Of course, it’s all speculation from a fanfic writer ;)

Heavy spoilers for both Origins and Jackady under the cut.

Part 1:

Keep reading