emotional discipline

Crystals for Beginners 💎

This is a list of crystals that are commonly known, generally easy to get a hold of, and have multiple uses.

  • Agate - protection, good luck, balance, strength, inspiration
  • Amethyst - calming, emotional stability, balance, inner strength, protection from psychic attacks
  • Aventurine - happiness, peace, healing, prosperity 
  • Calcite - amplifies energy, cleansing, reduce stress, calming, emotional healing, memory
  • Carnelian - creativity, manifestation, luck, protection
  • Citrine - does not retain negative energy, thus never needs to be cleansed; creativity, motivation
  • Clear Quartz - a power stone used to provide extra energy and can be used to charge other items; healing, protection, power, banishing, charging
  • Fluorite - stability, peace and calm, impartial reasoning, responsibility, concentration, meditation, protection from psychic attacks, self love  
  • Hematite - grounding, deflecting negative energy
  • Jasper - protection, relaxation, tranquility
  • Jet - eases grief, protection, banishing
  • Kyanite - does not retain negative energy, thus never needs to be cleansed; cleansing other stones, tranquility, removing energy blockages, channeling energy
  • Labradorite - attract success, dreams, reduce stress and anxiety, spiritual connection, transformation, clarity, peace
  • Milky Quartz - luck, calming, soothing, meditation, purification
  • Obsidian - grounding, negating and transmuting negative energy
  • Onyx - grounding
  • Rose Quartz - self-love, calming, romantic love, and friendship
  • Selenite - mental clarity, removing energy blockages, cleansing and charging other crystals
  • Smoky Quartz - grounding, banishing, cleansing, removing emotional blockages
  • Tiger’s Eye - self-discipline, practicality, protection, grounding, peace, clarity, intelligence, intuition, financial stability, calmness 

Cleansing and Charging Crystals - a good rule of thumb is that if you’re not sure if you can place your crystals in water, salt, or direct sunlight because it might damage the stone, use moonlight or starlight instead. You can also place your crystals in a dry bath of herbs and flowers, or pass them through incense smoke.

Crystal Resources:

  1. Mineral and Crystal Safety and Care Masterpost (this will tell you which crystals can be cleansed with either water, sunlight, or salt) 
  2. A to Z Crystal Meanings

I’m really sick of hearing “children need to be disciplined” and abusers passing up abuse for discipline because for who exactly do children need to be disciplined? what is a disciplined child? one who does what they’re told, that’s a child who doesn’t make noise, doesn’t complain or ask for anything, does things according to rules adults set for them, doesn’t require anything except what adults give them, basically, not a human being, not someone who is free, not someone with human rights, not someone who has the right to do what they want or to say what they need. Disciplining is taking freedom away in return for nothing, discipline is not for the sake or benefit or children but for their caretakers, so they don’t have to deal or spend any time or energy on the said children, and even have children do shit for them. 

For children it’s good to try out everything, to ask for everything, to make a mess, to make noise, to enjoy themselves, to test all their limits and figure out what makes them feel good and what doesn’t, to figure out which kind of work they enjoy, eating when they feel like it, sleeping when they feel like it. Taking this away will never ever benefit the child, it will only benefit the caretakers. It’s not the child’s fault that this society isn’t safe or accepting for child’s development, that their freedom means nothing if they can instead be tucked away and forced to be silent and get shit done if they wanna live. Children aren’t here to please everyone else or to get stuff done, and forcing them to be “disciplined” by punishments will absolutely not lead them to a balanced and productive adult life, it will make them feel guilty, scared, anxious and ashamed if they don’t manage to fulfill impossible schedules and thousands of chores. 

A child can benefit from fair and structured environment where they know what the rules are and what they’re allowed to do, what the rewards are, and what are the consequences if they do wrong, provided they actually have enough freedom to explore and do what they want and the rules don’t change continually based on adult’s moods. But only thing that is truly wrong is hurting others, so they should not suffer consequences for anything but that. But somehow that’s one thing everyone easily gets away with, and they’re instead getting punished whenever adults perceive them as a nuisance or just wanna lash out and find an excuse for it. So whatever is being passed up as “good for the child” is anything but. Before you claim any abuse is “discipline”, remember that they’re in most cases one and the same thing, and never benefit the child.


Snape: You’re just like your father. Lazy, arrogant…
Harry: Don’t say a word against my father.
Snape: Weak.
Harry: I’m not weak.
Snape: Then prove it! Control your emotions! Discipline your mind!

Alan Rickman as Severus Snape in “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix”


What a lot of people don’t seem to understand is that when you have a child, as well as being your child they are also a small human being.
A small human being who has their own thoughts.
Who has their own feelings.
Who is three times as delicate as you.

So when you’re disciplining your child take into account that whatever you do will stay with them forever.
Take into account that even when disciplining then you still need to think about their feelings.
Take into account that THEY WILL CRY. No one likes being told off! Especially if you’re small and being screamed at.

Oh and if/when they do cry, DO NOT scream at them to stop crying. DO NOT tell them that they’re stupid. DO NOT tell them that there tears are worth nothing. Because that’s condoning the idea that their very feelings are worthless.

And Jesus Christ, please be careful because there is a difference between disciplining your child and being abusive.
-If your child is crying so much that they can’t breathe; you need to stop.
-If your child is genuinely scared of you; please stop.
-If your child feels in any way that they are not safe around YOU! THEIR PARENT; please stop.
-if your child is getting depressed by how you treat them; … you guess it! stop!

Your child is a real person. With real feelings. They are not your play toy. They are not rubber balls they don’t just bounce back. Everything you do to your child will affect them in their future.

So my god, please don’t ruin them. They are the future.

- From someone with parents who meant well but cause me and my brother to be socially inept and afraid of opening up to people

justnormalguylikingthings-deact  asked:

How do you fix an unhealthy infj ?

(Gif: Sherlock, Eurus. ISTP, INFJ. Sherlock.)

You asking for yourself or someone else?

If the latter: you can’t. Fix them, that is. The only way people change is if they decide they want to change, they are sick of the person they are, and they are willing to put in the hard work, emotional development, and discipline required to step beyond their former damaged selves and achieve total wellness.

In those situations, all you can do is wish the best for them, decide whether or not to stick around (if you believe this person WILL change, or has the potential TO change, or WANTS to change), and help them with emotional development if they ask for your help. (Often, when an INFJ is unhealthy, it’s Fe that’s poor.)

If you are asking for yourself, decide who you want to be, in a better version of yourself. Fix that singular vision in your mind. Use your intuition to lay out the steps necessary to get to that point, set smaller goals that fit into that framework, and work toward it, in a long term journey toward wholeness.

Decide what about you is unhealthy.

Is it Ni detachment from reality / lack of realism / too much reliance on the unseen? Develop Se. Learn to notice people. Things. Places. Pay attention to your environment. Pick up on social cues. Look at people. Truly see them. Notice their mannerisms. Read tons of information, learn all you can. The more knowledge you have, the more grounded your Ni will be.

Is it poor Fe? Learn to share your emotions in healthy and encouraging ways. Learn to step outside your perceptions and merge with other people. Practice resolving conflict or telling the truth in compassionate ways. Read books or study people who have Fe that you admire, and emulate them.

Is it poor Ti? Read books on logic. Study higher thinkers that you admire, pick and choose what you can use, and back up your arguments with facts, and specifics, instead of vague generalizations.

Is it reckless inferior Se? Practice engaging in your sensory environment in controlled ways – allowing yourself a sweet once in awhile, instead of binging one weekend. Taking up dirt biking or rock climbing, something to engage you with the environment and help you pay attention. Practice sitting in a room, and mapping out where everything is, noticing every detail. Study your surroundings. What pattern repeats in a Columbine flower? How does the bark differ on the two trees in your yard?

You only get one life. One chance to be the best you can be. Make the most of it.

- ENFP Mod

anonymous asked:

dancer placements

• an aspect pattern that includes both Venus and Mars
Venus/Mars aspect (especially conjunction & opposition)
• possibly fire, earth Venus (doesn’t work on its own)
Venus/Uranus aspect (produces interest in dance)
• Venus/Moon in 2nd, 5th (especially if aspecting Mars)

How to Properly Control Emotions

Which emotion just popped up in your head after reading the title? Sadness? Anger? Happiness? Whether it be a positive emotion or a negative emotion we should always be careful with how we express our emotions. For the sake of being socially respectful, it is a fundamental social responsibility that each individual must take into consideration.

As mentioned earlier, both positive and negative emotions need to be properly expressed. Personally, I believe that we all have the right to express our emotions. But we should also always consider other individuals present in our environment, because without a doubt not all ways of expressing our emotions is socially acceptable. 

This is a personal process that I would like to share to you, the reader. On how I properly handle my emotions.

There are two steps to consider. 

1.) Acknowledgment of Raw Emotion

This is the moment where you start to feel the emotion itself, and this is the stage where supporting ideas or thoughts are replaying in our minds. Thus being a catalyst of the emotion. 

2.) Processing Raw Emotion

This is the moment of noticing that you are getting emotional, where the defense mechanism (repression) takes place, this is the critical part of handling one’s emotions because this is the part where we are processing our decision on how we will express our emotion.

Now to add my personal way of expressing my emotions. 

Imagine your emotion (anger, sadness, happiness) as a large box, and inside that large box are more smaller boxes, in those smaller boxes contain your thoughts and ideas. Which put weight on the emotion itself. 

What people normally do, or what repression does is it shoves the whole box to the other person. Thus making a messy or unacceptable way of expressing the emotion. 

What I do personally is I open the large box and put the smaller boxes onto shelves. 
Thus making my thoughts organized. This helps me identify which boxes are necessary, and which boxes should be thrown away. 

Emotions aren’t that dumb and unnecessary as it is. Emotions have a purpose, and they have their own thoughts. This is why we confuse ourselves of having multiple personalities when really it’s just reasons of discomfort or reaching the zenith of our comfort zones. That we have reactions. 

I actually am in charge of telling my emotions what’s right and wrong, not the other way around. Let’s say I’m really angry at the person in front of me in the car. And I have to tell myself, “You don’t know that person, you don’t know what they’re going through, you don’t know where they’re going to.” Just simple things like that, that’s just a very simple daily example of something you need to talk to yourself and be like, “Emotions, chill out.” And other times when you get angry over some injustice, you realize, “Now that’s good, I should be angry.” So, there are boundaries for knowing when it’s safe to let your emotions lead you and when it’s time for you to lead them.
—  Lacey Sturm

I think a lot of what abusive parents label as “teaching child to behave” is merely “putting the child back into it’s place”, meaning reminding the child it has no rights, no authority, no freedom to do what everyone else can do, no right to assert a need, no right to treat others the way it’s being treated.

I have definitely experienced this. I assumed as a child I have same rights and values as a parent and when I acted accordingly, I was shut down very fast, and got put back into the place of someone who was on the very bottom of hierarchy, and reminded to stay there. For instance, if I tried to somehow provide something to the household, like bringing home berries and chestnuts or creating something or making some kind of food, I would be instantly reminded that what I do doesn’t matter, my contributions have no value, only what parents do has any kind of value and my contributions were to be criticized, ignored and deemed no worthy of even looking at. I saw that one parent could demand any food and eat whatever they wanted but when I tried to do the same and demand food I liked, I was reminded that I had no such rights and have to eat whatever is put in front of me. (i wasn’t demanding for lots of sweets or anything unhealthy). When I tried to assert my voice and to point out how I was being treated unfairly, my words held no weight to them, and I was reminded that only once I’m as old as my parents my voice will count for something, they were older so they would decide what’s right. If grownups wanted something from me all they had to do was raise their voice, raise their hands, blackmail me or beat me into submission. If I wanted something from them, I would get told that “nobody gets what they want.”

This might not seem like a huge deal, but if we count in that they were strongly holding against me how they provide to the household and I don’t, thus I am worthless, and then they brushed off every single thing I tried to provide, it’s a big deal, it’s telling me that even if I try my hardest I cannot be valuable in any way, except for pleasing them. If I add that. If I add in that I was trying to tell my parents that grandma was brutally beating me and treating me like her personal slave and calling me animal names and they discarded it immediately because “she’s old and wise” then it’s a big deal. For a child physically much smaller and powerless against adults being coerced by violence to not have any boundaries and to do everything and anything an adult might require them to do was devastating, and it led me to believe that every single thing I’m most afraid of will happen, against my will, no matter how much I try to prevent it (being force fed alcohol, being forced into clothes that were triggering because earlier i got beaten up in them, being locked into a small room and degraded)

Family is a hierarchy where parents/caretakers decide everything about the child, the worth, what they deserve, how they should be treated, how much is expected of them, how much they have to “behave” and accommodate other’s needs before their own, how guilty they need to feel if they haven’t been able to fulfill the role set for them, how scared they need to be if the parent is angry, how brutally and viciously they can be punished if they misstep, if they deserve any comfort or compassion when they’re hurt, if the child should be forgiven for their mistakes, if they should be degraded and humiliated for a long time, if they have any rights, if they’re allowed to have needs, if they’re allowed to express themselves, if they’re allowed to belong and be treated like a part of the family. The child is ultimately powerless to define themselves in any way, or to achieve any rights or value that parents have already decided to not give to them. And abusive parents want their children to be aware that they’re nothing, and to behave like it.


SUBMITTED by calculusdrumlineandcats

Being: I am calm and extremely slow to anger. When I do, however, it can be kind of scary. Personally, I mostly just get frustrated and take my feelings out on myself rather than others. I look at the world in a logical and systematic manner as much as I can, but I’m working on developing my feelings and being more emotionally conscious. I am often distant when relating to others and have never had many friends, but that doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It’s hard for me to get close to someone, but when I do I am loyal to a fault and will give that person the shirt off my back. I am definitely guilty of the common IxTx pitfall: trying to come up with a formula for human interaction. I’ve even gotten it to work a little bit; the key is knowing when to break the rules.

Speaking of breaking the rules, though, I am terrified to. I know that sometimes breaking the rules is right and even necessary, but I’m terrified of possible backlash and being labeled a “bad” person. Because of this fear, I am often afraid to express the unconventional sides of my personality, even though I am not ashamed of them in the slightest and the people closest to me love these things about me. As a result, I am a much more eloquent writer than speaker because I get the opportunity to think about what I want to say before it’s out there, and because I’m not staring a real person in the face as I say it. I also hate uncertainty. We’re meeting for lunch? I need to know the place, day, and exact time so I know when to be there and can look up the menu beforehand.

I was worried I wouldn’t get into my college even though I was most likely in the top 5% of applicants and the college has an acceptance rate above 90%. I. Hate. Uncertainty. I’m extremely hard working, but only for things I care about. I’ve got no problem taking 17 credits per semester almost every semester, but I’m barely passable at things I dislike, even if they’re more necessary than knowing how to integrate using partial fractions. Things like ironing. I love to improvise, but only if I’m not under pressure. This is especially true for me in academics, and I imagine it is in other ISTJs for whatever their “thing” is. I’m also kind of socially awkward if this hasn’t been figured out so idk how to end this. One advantage of being socially awkward though is I don’t care enough about most social interactions/drama/whatever you want to call it to lie. But when I do, it works extremely well. I don’t do anything in public unless I know it’ll work.

Perceived as: I’m often told that I’m extremely literal. People I know well say I’m loud and fun to be with, but I am almost shy around people I don’t know and have a hard time asking the right questions to get to know them. People who don’t like me say I’m a perfectionist and lack social skills, and I agree to some extent. My friends say I am intelligent, focused, and observant, which is also true. When I was emotionally unstable, I was told I was sensitive and had a thin skin, but really I was just frustrated. Now that I am emotionally stable, almost nothing bothers me. I am very good at being tactful and polite when I have to, but I prefer to be blunt instead of beating around the bush. The people I know best tell me that I have an interesting and unique way of describing the world. I’d love to come up with an example, but I mostly do these things on a whim and don’t remember them after. I am also not outwardly emotional, and similarly, I don’t really pick up on what others are feeling unless they tell me. My first serious boyfriend had a massive crush on me for 2 years before I noticed, lol.

What people think/stereotypes: cold, distant, love order. Doesn’t show emotion. Logical, earnest, disciplined, traditionalist. Responsible, detail-oriented, loyal, have a hard time thinking outside the box

Slices of Writing (2)

Now that I have established certain stuff I hope it gets to you in an important. If not, no matter — I have some more pointers. If you already knew the previous rules, more power to you. If not, try to incorporate them in your life in whatever customised or direct way you want and need. There is a reason I highlighted those words. Your wants and needs are important too. Though, your wants and needs also can be hierarchal. You must balance them accordingly to get a process going and get results. More on that later. 

Onwards to new things that perhaps will be helping for you with writing. In the last segment I had shown you that writing is a psychosomatic, emotional and spatial skill. It interacts with other skills, with you and your environment. I have written how the word innate should not mean fast/rapid/genetic in your repertoire. People can be gifted but so can gifts be earned and attained. I am reviewing this because this is something that must be constantly reviewed. It will stick, then unstick, then stick again only to unstick once more. And again, more on that later. 

  • Avoid/Resist Toxic People and Situations as Much as Possible — This is not a rehash of the Trolls and the Haters phenomenon. This takes that further than that. Trolls and Haters usually occupy social media. They can also be real people as well, as I cited. But, they may be distant people. So, though this may sound similar it is not necessarily identical. 

    You may have to work with people who are unpleasant or unpleasant towards you. Usually, it can be latter than the former. If it is the former you can sometimes talk about this person with some other colleague who is a confidant. However, doing so regularly may a) jeopardise your job as no one can fully be trusted in the work space and b) cause you to create more toxicity by making your complaints a habit. Trust me. We all may have been there and we don’t want that. 

    If it’s the latter know that you don’t have to interact with this person beyond the minimum. Keep your interactions work related and respond only when particularly referred to. If this is your boss then choose select words and let your work do the talking for you. Do not reiterate anything much or try to seem over enthusiastic because toxic people use that opportunity to shoot you down and even publicly humiliating you. Do not tone down too much either nor else they will choose to be especially unpleasant and give you poor performance reviews. 

    If this person actively complains about you to your other bosses consult someone you can trust and change sectors or jobs if need be. Chances are that you will be happier and more productive in the new area. You have to prioritise your productivity and passions. Do not waste any of it on toxic people. Toxic people are not completely avoidable. This is just life. You will meet them in social media, in family, friends and even spouses. 

    If it is social media you can always ignore them or blocked them. If these are reviews then set the “no review” box for a while and even “non anon.” If this is family try to gradually lessen your interactions with them so that you can well not feel guilty or allow them to guilt trip you to go back to their toxic traps. Importantly, if they are parents you can really lessen your interactions with them. If you are being Abused. CALL SOCIAL SERVICES OR THE POLICE AND GET HELP. 

    Now, the other important parts. If toxic people are friends, you have to do what Anne Lamott said in her book Bird by Bird — your friendship needs a sabbatical. Seriously, if you feel you can’t cut them out think you are taking a sabbatical from your friendship. Sometimes toxic behaviour is also passive or indifferent behaviour. Such as not giving attention to your texts, not including you or showing any signs of elation when seeing or interacting with you. Then there is passive aggressive behaviour. Passive Aggressive behaviour is hard to stomach because it is a statement designed a joke or abstraction to still bruise you. You need to resist or stay away from these types of behaviour as much as possible. Friends are meant to enrich your life not make you feel like you are an abyss of uselessness. 

    If your spouse does this either go to couples counseling or seriously rethink the relationship. Your spouse/partner is not meant to belittle, humiliate, berate and ambush you with guilt all the time. Gaslighting and manipulating you is AN ABUSE. So, don’t stay with these people. PLEASE GET HELP ASAP

    The reasons I stated this is because toxic people like haters and trolls will debilitate and distract you from writing. If writing is your joy they will belittle it and they will try to ruin your work. Renowned novelist Buchi Emecheta had an abusive husband. When she wrote her first draft of Bride Price and gave it for her husband to read, she came back and saw him burning the manuscript. Yes, that did happen. That is how violent and toxic her ex-husband was.  

    You don’t need partners like that. Or environments like that. They will first feed parasitically on your writing and this will effect and eventually lead to other parts of you. Your writing is not only your passion, it allows you to gain privileges and opportunities and give you work. In the book So Good They Can’t Ignore You by Cal Newport he didn’t support passion so that is why I called writing also work. His reasons are actually credible. Passion, he states, is a side effect of mastery so that ties into how innateness does not equate much in the long run. And, a spouse who doesn’t take your work seriously is not going to take seriously other avenues of your life. By work here I also mean your efforts to master talents, your needs and wants and efforts at communication, habits you try to inculcate, and also your personality and beliefs.

    Toxic people and environments may ultimately ruin your needs and wants to master your craft. They are sometimes more dangerous than haters and trolls because they have a certain sense of closeness and intimacy with you, which they shamelessly take advantage of. If haters and trolls are clever and lack courage the toxic people are cowardice magnified. They also take the discrimination of cleverness and mutate it to entitlement. They feel that as they are with you they are entitled to behave with you in any way they please. 

    Don’t suffer from this garbage and take a stand for yourself to resist and avoid as much as possible. So yes the sticking and unsticking come here a bit. Toxic people and environments make you doubt yourself a lot and let you cave in to defeating pressure. Yeah, there is positive pressure. The feeling the demanding need to write and write as heartily and skillfully as one can at the moment. 

    So for your health tied to your writing stay away from toxicity as much as possible and resist it whenever the opportunities present themselves. 

  • Do not Wait for the Mood to Write — This is a cardinal rule that you need to repeat to yourself. I know I have to because I procrastinate on it and don’t do it but it is seriously and important rule. Even if you are depressed, take some time off for your health and then try to write one line and draft it out and redraft it out. 

    The reason I am saying this is that writing is a muscle and that it needs development and stimulation. Now, you may be thinking if I have writer’s block how can I be stimulated? Well, do other things. Or better yet start free writing. Take out your journal or Document and just start writing/typing random things and you will sure to get ideas. These writings do not need to final products or anything perfect. They can be to do lists or 40 best songs you liked or movies or even books. Write out your feelings of toxic people, your anxieties, your triumphs, etcetera and you are sure to get something. 

    Writing is a balance of passive and active nodes. Thinking alone about writing ideas usually don’t help. Thinking can also be passive because the mind is not stimulated enough to get somewhere. Free Writing can also be passive because it doesn’t have a necessary goal. However, both can be active too gradually. When I first started writing these writing tips I didn’t completely know how I would go about it. I still don’t know but I kept on writing and the ideas gradually came. If I stuck to only thinking and planning alone it may have taken longer. Yes, I thought out the headings and such and some of the chunks but not everything

    That is why I mentioned the hierarchy of desire and wants. Writing will not always operate on those things. Writing like any habit and skills needs time, dedication, discipline, patience and reiteration. If you are a victim of your moods and always get easily seduced by them writing will believe you are a player and not interested in a relationship (yeah, I went there). You need to understand that as there is no true innate quality to writing there is no ideal hour, moment, time or whatever for writing either. 

    Writing is paradoxical because human beings are paradoxical. Writing is sometimes born and borne out of great frustration and misery and flicks off your happy pastures world. Writing at times scowls at decay and looks for pure Nirvana. Writing is concrete in its form but relative in its act of conception. It creates its own ideals and mixes other generally thought out ones. It may sometimes strive in purity which can also be chaos and at times live in greys which can be a ordinary day in the park. 

    Don’t think that you need a mood always to write. You don’t need a mood always to breathe? It is as Scout said in To Kill a Mocking Bird. Reading to her was breathing. And, how do you breathe. You do it continuously. Now, I am not saying burn yourself out by writing. I am just giving a loose analogy. You don’t always breathe deeply and loudly so take writing also as gradual breathing which may sometimes stay nice and stable as though you are in a dream, sometimes peak up as you are being athletic and sometimes even be “soggy” like you are in a flu. You are writing about life so writing won’t be excised from life. 

    Like Life writing also needs other avenues than your thoughts to be feed. It needs experiential stuff, segments from classrooms, snippets in cafes and the smell of coffee and the warmth of tea, the kiss of a lover, the kiss of a stranger, the theories of betrayal and actual betrayals, the concatenation of pearls in a bracelet, the mathematical equation you learned the other day, your dissertation, your lab assignment and even the joke you told your friend. 

    Writing stems from all of these. Writing is the nodes of you as you go through life. Writing is the anatomy of your body, the curvatures of your spirit and the oceans of your soul with the forests of your thoughts and subconscious — writing is the braille of time and the alphabets of your spine dancing in unison to some track that is in your head and the cusp in your heart. Thus writing requires discipline, effort, time and dedication. 

    As you are analogous to your writing (if not themes or characters then certainly the process) than like you writing needs proper nourishment and nurturing. And your moods erratically firing off won’t always help.

    Be consistent as much as possible. And I mean a healthy consistent. Write in a day or two days. Write small quotes. Plan projects and try your best to finish them. 

    The more respect, time and attention you give to writing (a healthy amount because you need to take yourself and do other things) the more your writing will respect you and feel like listening to you. 

~ To Be Continued

Vergil in an established but toxic relationship

Originally posted by reishikiz

Brutally honest and harsh, for better or worse. When you are hurting, he offers very little comfort. Has little regard for your feelings if he doesn’t deem them important enough. He is extremely proud and stubborn and does not discuss his feelings or anxieties. When something traumatic or tragic happens, he shuts down emotionally and becomes harder and impenetrable as a defense mechanism. Will not be physically abusive towards you, but can become verbally and emotionally cruel during arguments or serious disagreements. He will not degrade or humiliate you but he will unfairly expect you to meet his standard of emotional strength and discipline. He would not chase after you if you ever chose to leave him but he would not take kindly to infidelity within the relationship. Is very critical of signs of weakness and vulnerability and expects you to be strong. Depending on how important you are to him, you will always come second to his quest for power. This is why he prefers a partner with their own motivation and goals.

anonymous asked:

Could you clarify the line between being a strict parent and being abusive? And the line between chastising/discipline and emotional abuse?

damn you expect a lot out of a person with a trauma blog. 

I’m going to go ahead and say that all discipline is abuse. The mere idea that you have the right to discipline someone implies ownership over that person, and you do not own your children, and thus do not have the ultimate right to decide what happens to them when they fuck up. You are in position to do that, yes, but the right to punish/discipline/chastise someone? You cannot have that over someone who is your equal. So when you discipline children, you’re letting them know you’re not equal, you’re the authority, you’re the one who decides what they deserve, what happens to them, you hold the control, you hold their lives in your hand, you’re the one they must fear when they’re doing something you might perceive as mistake, you’re the one they feel watched by when they’re scared. I cannot imagine how this wouldn’t be abusive. 

So what should you do with a child who’s hurting others, making heavy material damage, doesn’t care or respond to any positive reinforcement, steals and lights shit on fire and screams until it gets what it wants? I don’t freaking know okay I’ve never dealt with this situation I just think consequences for children should never fucking be heavier than consequences for adults! An adult doing any of this wouldn’t get beaten up and treated inhuman, even if they ended up in jail they still wouldn’t be facing what a lot of children are facing with their abusive parents, they wouldn’t get lashed at and emotionally abused and treated like less than human. 

I’m not sure if I can judge this rationally because I’ve been facing severe overpunishments for things that weren’t even mistakes. I didn’t pay enough attention to someone? Got slapped and screamed at. I confronted someone who hurt me? Got beaten up and locked up. I stood up for myself? I got emotionally abandoned by entire family and completely isolated and treated like I’m worthless and disposable. So I don’t know what is logical or acceptable after this experience. I just think that consequences should fit the actions. Children who are doing actual harm - by this i don’t mean being inconvenient, crying when parents dont wanna deal with it, feeling sad or depressed or tired, expressing when its not socially acceptable, having people annoyed at the noises they make, wanting something they can’t have, making a huge mess, ruining their clothes, not appreciating everything parents do, not willing to work without being appreciated, not perfectly understanding everyone’s feelings and being there for them, not making parent’s lives easier, because all of these are not mistakes or harm, all of this is just being a child and completely normal. Actual harm is actually severely hurting another human being, destroying something with a goal to hurt someone, doing over-the-top revenges, throwing huge tantrums in attempts to control parents and make them do what child wants, and children generally will do this because they naturally have a narcissistic phase and will try out all possible boundaries if they feel safe enough to, and i think in these cases it’s important to show the child that their harmful actions will have consequences for themselves, that they cannot actually get away with it without taking any responsibility. 

That was the catch in my childhood too, I would be severely punished for nothing, but if I hit my sister, or hurt someone else? Nothing. They just didn’t care. And this is the situation where there should be interference. 

The children need to lose something, some privilege, not something they need to survive, not food or shelter or safety or family, but a part of support, a part of privileges, maybe candy? I might be too soft I just believe it’s important they know they will face some consequences, but they will still remain human, they will still be safe, unless they cause someone to be permanently unsafe. If there’s no privileges you can take away from your child then something is already wrong in the start, a child should have a certain amount of things they want on the top of things they need (haha am I optimistic now or what, lets face it most kids don’t even have what they really need).

It’s dangerous to let children get away with hurting others because they will take this and apply it in later life and learn how easy it is to get away with hurting those weaker than them, and how they can always rely on that kind of lashing out and sadistic pleasure and basically it becomes okay in their minds because it was always safe to do! This will lead to them developing narcissistic traits unless they learn to truly empathize with those they’ve hurt at a young age. But do not freaking punish children for being loud and generally obnoxious and messy and for needing things and for not being super enthusiastic about school and responsibilities and chores and whatever because that’s just them being themselves, do not discipline children for their own personality and for searching themselves and for not being super convenient and easy to control and generally refusing to be your property. Any kind of “strictness” that doesn’t allow this freedom to children is abusive, any kind of discipline that makes them unequal and subservient to parents (discipline in origin isn’t a good thing at all, it comes with assumption of servitude and obedience and this is strongly dehumanizing and exploitative) and that denies logical consequences of children’s actions and instead forces whatever is convenient to the parents, on the emotional cost of children.

Also another thing that is insanely abusive is changing the rules constantly, based on parent’s moods! Rules and consequences are good (if none of them work against children’s physical or emotional well being of course) but if they are inconsistent and change based on how angry the parent is specific days it’s basically ensuring that child will live in deep anxiety, never knowing for what it can or can’t be punished, or how badly will they be hurt, because it depends on how badly a parent wants to lash out on something vulnerable that day. Having a consistent system where you know exactly what you can expect after doing a certain thing and not being afraid of some unknown fit of rage and abuse makes a safe childhood experience.

Also, rules that children need to abide by have to work for parents too! Parent accidentally hurts child? Same consequence for parents too. Parents shouldn’t be above the system and just deciding who gets punished and how, they should be inside together with children, living by the same rules, or the system is again just a toxic hierarchy where parents hold all power over children’s lives and there’s no equality. Not to mention children will just wait to grow up and then there will be no rules anymore. If the system is well internalized the children will have a good value system of what’s right and wrong and will get a chance to feel both safe and act as good people. 

That was it from a traumatized person’s viewpoint who spent most of their life in fear of death by psychopatic parents! If anyone has a different viewpoint to offer feel free to chip in anytime this is how far I’ve come with my thinking.