emotional despair

intro: what am i to you is a masterpiece and it deserves to be talked about more. that song is only 2:46s long, and yet namjoon tells a full story that begins with emotions like excitement, happiness, and hope and ends with complete opposite emotions (anger, despair, helplessness) with only love as the emotion that bridges them. for me personally, the best part of the song is the transition. the build up. i love the way the music, along with namjoon’s voice gradually sounds more and more desperate. and when the emotions finally flip, so does the music: the light violins and synth sounds are pushed back and replaced by heavy drum beats that the now angry lyrics bounce off to. and despite all of this change in a short frame of time, it still flows perfectly. IT STILL FLOWS PERFECTLY. what the fuck honestly?????? genius

anonymous asked:

That 'its lexa' scene killed me, like, clarke looks like she's about to break into pieces....

That scene is as brief as it’s impactful and excruciating. For Clarke, it’s the climax of an emotional journey she had to endure throughout the whole episode and it’s raw to watch and experience and it just leaves me so heartbroken for her.

From the beginning of the episode, we see her being emotionally hammered down again and again and again: Jasper telling her she deserves to die, ALIE!Raven bringing up all her ghosts and making her feel even guiltier about Lexa’s death, Jasper again rejecting her apology. She has her walls up, hasn’t let them down since Lexa’s death, but It’s evident that this all weighs down on her heavily. What makes her especially fragile in this episode is that she has no chance for escapism. Ever since Lexa died, Clarke has kept herself busy/distracted with things she must do, right? First, it’s making sure Aden wins the Conclave and that he honors Lexa’s wish of having Skaikru join the Coalition and being protected. She literally rejects Aden’s offer of having a private moment with Lexa’s body.

She can’t do that, she can’t deal with that pain just yet, it’s too fresh and overwhelming. Having that moment would mean having to process Lexa’s death, having to embrace grief, which she’s not ready to do. Her only option is to ignore it, to hide from it.

After Ontari kills Aden and all the Natblida, Clarke’s focus shifts to making sure Ontari doesn’t become Commander, taking the Flame to Luna and protecting the Flame with her life. It’s her drive throughout 3B. There’s an interesting single-mindedness that characterizes her throughout the rest of the season. She needs to focus on this mission, there is little room for anything else. If she stopped, even for a minute, her feelings would be impossible to avoid. It’s a defense mechanism. She shuts the door on grief and clings to what she has: a distraction (the never-ending list of concerns she has to deal with), a hopeless hope that not everything is lost (the Flame).

But then we get to 311.

It’s a peculiar kind of episode, for most of its runtime taking place in a closed environment. But not only that: in this episode, for a long time the characters are forced to stall. There are few exceptions (Octavia and Monty), but for almost the whole episode we are stuck at Niylah’s trading post with the characters, who are racking their brains as they try to find a solution to save Raven, and waiting. Because there is nowhere to rush to, nothing they can do. Nothing Clarke can do. Even when they devise a plan to try and fry the chip, it’s someone else who has to go out and find what they need to carry out the task, not her. She is, quite simply, stuck. Not only physically, but she is stuck with her thoughts and her feelings. And that has consequences of course.

As I said before, we see Clarke getting progressively closer and closer to her breaking point. She first snaps after the continuous hits at her heart by ALIE!Raven, when she reminds her of all the people that died because of her. That it’s not really Clarke’s fault is irrelevant, Clarke feels that guilt and bears it constantly, and in a moment as tense and delicate as that one, it brings her to lash out. What’s interesting to me is that it’s not an immediate reaction. ALIE!Raven first uses Wells, Charlotte, and Finn and while clearly still affected, Clarke recognizes ALIE!Raven’s strategy and manages to mostly ignore her. But then, she mentions Lexa, and Clarke’s reaction is entirely different. (x)

It’s so different from her previous strained attempts at ignoring what is being said to her that even ALIE notices it, with that head tilt she does when she’s learning something new. Clarke here doesn’t even try to pretend she’s not affected by Lexa’s mention. She directly goes and tells ALIE!Raven to shut up. She looks up the second she hears Lexa’s name, her glare is deadly, her words are seething. She doesn’t wanna hear this, she can’t hear this. Also! This isn’t the first time someone told her she was responsible for Lexa’s death, with Titus telling her he pulled the trigger but it was her fault. You can bet that had a great impact on Clarke and made her only more sensitive to ALIE!Raven’s words.

And the comment about her father’s death is the last straw. So we get her lashing out and literally trying to gag Raven so she doesn’t have to hear this any longer.

The heartbreaking thing is that she pretty much gets no respite. Bellamy takes her place in the room with Raven, but Jasper is immediately there to remind her about Mt Weather and how she killed all those people and Maya. She’s literally on the verge of tears when he rejects her apology and roughly pushes past her.

All this shows she is incredibly close to reaching her limit. All that tension and pain and guilt is like a fire simmering inside her, a fire she has no way to cool down because as I said, she is deprived of almost any distraction. She spends the episode being reminded of what she did and most importantly, of what, who, she lost.

So when Jasper grabs the Flame and is ready to destroy it, Clarke’s walls shatter. Faced with the possibility of losing yet another thing extremely important to her, she has no way of shutting down her pain and grief any longer. (x)

She panics when she realizes what Jasper is about to do. She is frantic in trying to get the Flame back, desperation is written all over her. The possibility of losing the one part of Lexa she has left propels forward that fire of pain and grief. Lexa is gone, this is all she has left of her, and she can’t bear to lose that too. All her restraint, her imposed control over her emotions, is useless in this brief moment. And so…

She doesn’t use logic to try to stop Jasper, it’s her heart here begging him to not take Lexa from her. It’s raw, it’s charged with every emotion ranging from despair to heartbreak, it’s harrowing. For this brief moment, Clarke is stripped down, emotionally bare and vulnerable. She doesn’t avoid her grief, she embraces it. She even arrives to relive details of the moment Lexa died.

Oh, and that “I’m not–” she says immediately after, right before pausing and figuring out how to save Raven. That breaks my heart because I can’t help but wonder what she was going to say. “I’m not making this up… I’m not lying… I’m not crazy.” She needs Jasper to believe her because otherwise, she is going to lose that part of Lexa she still has, however small. The fact that her reaction is so intense and heart-wrenching is only a proof of just how much she loves Lexa and of how much pain and sorrow her death caused to Clarke.

And when eventually Jasper gives the Flame back to her, Clarke treats it like something incredibly precious. She cradles it in her hands, she brings it close to her chest, almost protectively, she keeps her eyes set on it, she is extremely careful in putting it back in the case. She takes her time with everything and if you look at the scene, you can see that from the moment she gets the Flame back to when she places it back in the case, it’s almost like it’s just Clarke and the Flame. She focuses only on that. She’s still got it, she can still hold on to it, to Lexa. And it’s a thin consolation, yes. It’s probably more painful than relieving, because the Flame is at the end of the day a reminder that Lexa is dead and Clarke lost her. 

Clarke is grieving and she should be allowed to go through every stage of her grief, but unfortunately, that is not the case with her. Everything she is feeling is written on her face, every unresolved, painful emotion tied to Lexa’s death. But the moment is gone, and with one last look, she collects herself as best as she can and she goes back to her mission. (x)

To me, this is one of the things that make this entire scene even more devastating. We get a glimpse at the enormity of the pain that Clarke is feeling, we see every visceral emotion she is hiding behind her mask of stoicism, but she isn’t allowed to properly deal with it, and thus, to heal.

Anyway, I made myself sad. To cut it short, the main point of all this is that Clarke loved Lexa immensely and this scene proves it.


Imagine Being A Student To The Winter Soldier Before The Fall Of Hydra

For @dtescohmi

“(Y/N) loosen your arm when you swing,” he snaps as he catches your punch easily.

“Yes sir,” you say and throw another punch. He lets the punch hit his hand and nods approvingly.

“You’re getting better. Again.” You swig again, and again, and again, until your knuckles bleed.

The Winter Soldier is a strict teacher but he has a soft spot for you. You can’t say why he’s gentler with you but you imagine it’s because you both experience the same mind control.

The other students are loyal to Hydra but you and the Soldier are forced. Hydra took you for your abilities and created the Soldier.

“That’s enough, dismissed,” the Winter Soldier orders in a clipped tone. The rest of the students disperse but you hang back. The Winter Soldier approaches you and the two of you quickly pretend to be practicing.

“When can we speak without ears?” you whisper to him.

“Midnight at my room, there’ll be no guards,” he murmurs. You throw a punch and it hits him in the shoulder.

“I’m getting better,” you say and walk briskly away.


The Winter Soldier and you have been meeting in secret for a year, since the day he saw a Hydra officer beat you for disobeying. You are kindred spirits, the two of you.

Every second with him is a second away from hell and for that you are grateful beyond belief.


“My soldier calls,” you murmur as you nudge open his door. You’ve both memorized the guard rotation and turning of the cameras so you can slip in and out at just the right times.

“And my student answers,” he returns and takes your hand pulling you in and shutting the door softly behind you. His lips are on yours in a second and your fingers tangle in his long hair.

“Say my name, my real name,” he requests. During brief moments of memory he tells you everything so you can whisper it to him on nights like these.

“James Buchanan Barnes,” you breathe. “You were a sergeant in the 107th US regiment during the war.”

“And you’re (Y/N) (Y/M/N) (Y/L/N). You were visiting Russia with your father the ambassador, he enlisted you in Hydra to make use of your unique abilities,” he returns and you smile. His flesh hand is cupping your cheek while his metal one holds to your waist. You hold his face in your hands and make sure to maintain a steady gaze.

“You had a scrawny best friend named Steve, you called him punk,” you utter and give him a chaste kiss. “His mothers name was Sarah and he wore newspapers in his shoes.”

“Thank you, I love you.” He pulls you in for a impassioned kiss that makes butterflies erupt in your stomach. Only with James do you ever feel emotions besides fear and despair.

“I love you too.”

For a long moment you just hold each other close, sharing a heartbeat and even breathing.

“You have a knack for knowing what others feel and making them feel whatever you could wish,” he adds after a quiet moment. “But you don’t use it unless you’re told because you hate having that much power over another.”

“And you have amazing strength, accuracy, and heightened senses that put you above the rest but you only use them if you’re told because you hate feeling superior.”

“You love me,” he states.

“You love me,” you return.

“And we’ll both never love another,” you both promise at the same time.

Your lips meet once again in fiery sparks and raw emotion.

In the time of Hydra James Buchanan Barnes is your only solace.


A week later James disappears from your base and the last you hear from him is ‘I hope I remember you.’

A week after that Captain America reveals Hydra and destroys most of it but the Winter Soldier vanishes.

You managed to escape during the chaos and vanish yourself.

With your newfound freedom you search for him.


“Allow me to pay,” you interject and hand currency to the vendor. The vendor hands over the goods and the man you’re paying for looks up, staring at you with wide eyes.

It’s James, he’s buying plums of all things. You mod your head and lead him to an alleyway out f sight. He follows wordlessly.

“I am (Y/N) (Y/M/N) (Y/L/N) we knew each other in the compound. I told you facts about your life whenever they’d make you forget, and we loved each other.”

“You’re (Y/N), you helped me stay calm during episodes,” he utters. “I love you.”

“And I love you.”

Revelations & Confessions

AN: Hours later and I’m still reeling from that episode. it was so raw and emotional. Truthful. This is my attempt to process that.

(Set somewhere post 5x17)

Oliver sat on the cot in front of her, arms supporting his weight on his knees, head hung low. He knew she was there, he always did. Still, he refused to look up at her, to meet her gaze.

It had been this way for weeks. He’d shut himself off, emotionally, physically, much more that he had ever done before, in the times she’d known him. Then, he would always glance up, make sure that she knew that she mattered to him, in some small way.

Now, he stiller than a statue, frozen in misery.

“Oliver.” Felicity whispered, stepping towards him. Still he refused to move.

Cautiously, she approached him, her heels sounding a knell with each stiletto strike. As though every step was another scar on his skin. She settled on the floor in front of him, kneeling at his feet. This way, she could peer up at him, find his eyes and see what he was thinking.

If she knew what the wound was, she could heal him. It was deep, and unseen, but had broken Oliver to the point that he didn’t spring back by his own power or the encouragement of her or John.

Still, he didn’t move. He gave the illusion that she wasn’t really there, that perhaps she was an illusion of his mind. An echo of his mistakes.

Felicity reached out and grasped his hands, his fingers between her palms. They were cold, dry and brittle, smooth as a stone. Ridges of calluses mapped a pattern of hardship and toil, orators of his heroic acts. The same scars that revealed the instrument of darkness he held tightly to.

The instant her hands made contact with his, he shuddered, pulling away. Quickly, she reclaimed her grip.

“Don’t.” He whispered, voice hoarse from disuse.

Keep reading

most intimidating things about the signs
  • *also check moon
  • Aries: the fact that they may take everything a little too personally and erupt in some short bursts of anger...you almost never know when you're gonna say something that offends them
  • Taurus: you can never get to them to change their stance or opinion on things..they can be extremely materialistic and possessive at times and so obsessed with their own comfort that if you try to change their routine...rip
  • Gemini: they're definitely charming to a fault, and often alternate between 'naughty' and 'nice'..they're the best at making comments that may appear sweet or innocent but actually meant to be catty or judgemental
  • Cancer: that they'll never tell you how they're really feeling and instead take all their emotions out on themselves. they'll seclude themselves into a bubble of negativity and mixed emotions and never let you in, often resulting in them appearing moody or even unnecessarily angry at times
  • Leo: one word: pride. they're pride may cause them to be stubborn, unnecessarily defensive, and domineering. they are extremely protective of their ego and will do absolutely ANYTHING to defend it. In the moments where they ego is challenged they may say hurtful things they don't mean and may forget them later
  • Virgo: how they are very critical of themselves and others. they are also very sharp tongued, quick, and calculative so if you get into an argument with them, they will always know where to hit you and how hard
  • Libra: how they're passive aggressive af. they will 'try' hard to hide they're feelings but they come off very transparent and moody at times. they can also change their personality to fit whoever they're with which is can be oddly comforting at times but also very confusing.
  • Scorpio: how controlling and aggressive they can be.. they're very slow to forget and slow to forgive. they are extremely intuitive and have the ability to size up anyone or any situation in a matter of seconds. they are very unpredictable and may appear silent while experiencing varying intense emotions of anger, despair, or sadness.
  • Sagittarius: their mouths!! they have no filter..you never know what they are gonna say to you next. their honesty and bluntness can be seen as either a blessing or a curse. they're prone to exaggerating and boasting due to their love for power and status
  • Capricorn: their pOKer FACE.. they make you wonder if they actually have emotions with how focused and calculative they can be. they have a natural sense to boss people around in the most affective matter..they can inadvertently end up belittling you when talking about their goals and motivations
  • Aquarius: they can effortlessly make you feel small with their high level of intellect. they require a lot of space and freedom to do what they like and may appear aloof at times
  • Pisces: that they care...a little bit too much..they can often let their emotions get the best of them and then turn into someone or something they're not. very unpredictable people who at times may appear act childish and innocent while they really have the ability to tear you into pieces

I understand the grumpy vampire trope bc they can’t eat garlic bread and like imagine having to exist on this hell planet for all of eternity and not being able to turn to garlic bread in times of emotional despair?? binch I would be grumpy too!!

adlethstillio  asked:

A week ago I thought I had my anxiety under control.... ButT today I feel like I don't deserve to be called "adult" and this morning felt like I couldn't handle any more. THEN I learned that my psychiatrist bill is $700, not the $40 copay I was expecting. I know there are ups and downs, but fuck. This down hurts. A lot. I'm back to some obsessive tendencies I haven't done in months. Any tips for the down days?

I am so sorry. That sucks.

When I have down days, I do the best I can (being gentle with myself, and forgiving, because what is my best varies from day to day) to remember that this isn’t the first time I’ve had a down day, and to give myself credit for making it through.

“Ah, but that was different, this time is THE WORST,” your brain will say. And then we have to remember that our brain says that every single time, because depression lies.

I try to remember (and so I try to help others remember) that you don’t deserve this crap. This isn’t happening because of something you did or didn’t do; it’s just the way our brains are wired.

I focus on doing cognitive behavioral therapy, which is basically identifying a negative emotion (sadness, despair, etc.) and focusing on something awesome that made me happy, to replace it. For example, I may read a news story about one of my friends getting a gig I desperately wanted, and instead of being super happy for them, I’ll feel sad for me. When that happens, I have to deliberately think about and remember the specific emotional experience I had when I did something cool that I felt good about. I do my best to relive it, sort of turning up the mental volume on it, until I can’t hear (feel) the bad stuff.

That’s oversimplifying it, and maybe I’m not explaining it well, but it’s one tool that works for me.

I notice that, in your ask, you didn’t say anything about giving up or stopping therapy, and I wanted you to know that I’m proud of you for refusing to be a victim, and for sticking with your treatment and therapy to take good care of yourself.

Check in with me and let me know how you’re doing in a few days, okay? I promise you that it will get better. You are stronger than you think.


Feel free to skip the next Disney/Pixar film, this PSA from Australian bank ANZ is all the emotional roller coaster you’ll need! You’ll experience a full, oscillating range of emotional joy and despair, ultimately culminating in the profundity hope – all in a minute and a half!

The ad features a diverse array of LGBTQ couples in public, clearly adoring but hesitating to touch each other once they feel a critical public’s eye on them. The ad’s message: “When you feel like letting go, hold on.

Holding hands is one of the most basic gestures of affection between two people, yet it holds a large degree of intimacy and potency. “Hold tight,” the campaign urges, and celebrate your love no matter how much you might perceive stigma.

Such a beautiful, powerful, inspirational message. The only thing is though, I can’t even find anyone who will hold my hand tbh (it’s fine though)

Toledo [Archie Andrews x Reader]

Requested: no

Summary: Archie ditches his best friend (Y/N) to go to the Blossoms and she gets mad because it’s not the first time and runs away to her mother in Toledo. Archie is not the same once she leaves and Veronica pushes him to go with her brother Jughead.

Warnings: none

Notes: Fluff and angst

A/N: Requests are open

Originally posted by thekjsmut

“You’ve changed Archie and I’m tired of it, you ditch me for people like Cheryl Blossom! I’m sorry but I can’t be your constant plan B. This person in front of me is not my best friend since childhood, this is someone else, and I don’t like him.” These were the last words you spoke to Archie Andrews, the guy of your dreams.

He had ditched your weekly movie evening to go to the Blossoms. It was not the first time he did this and you were tired of him ditching you for other people, he was supposed to be your best friend. But him breaking the most important tradition of your friendship? That was the last straw, you packed your bags, called your mom and got the cheapest ticket to the bus to Toledo. You were now on it, your head resting against the window, staring at the lights of the town of Riverdale fade behind you.

Meanwhile, Archie Andrews was in his room, sitting on his bed with his head in his hands and tear strained eyes. He knew that he had hurt you but he thought you would get over it until Jughead had entered the bedroom saying that his sister, (Y/N), had left for Toledo. At that moment, Archie knew that he had messed up for real.

Now, he regretted it. He was heartbroken, you had left him and he didn’t do anything to stop you from leaving. He loved you, so why didn’t he stop you. You were gone now, probably half way to Toledo already. He tried calling you but you didn’t answer. It was midnight now, Archie knew he should go to sleep but he needed to hear her voice one last time, even if it was just through a phone. So, he called you. The phone rang but you didn’t answer then, the beeping on Archie’s phone stopped and your cheery voice sounded through the speaker, “Hey, this is (Y/N) Jones, I’m not available right now so leave a voicemail, a text or something like that. I’ll try to get back to you ASAP. Bye!” hearing your voice, Archie’s eyes welled up for the third time that night, “Hey (Y/N), it’s Archie, please call me back, I miss you.” He recorded his voice with a sad tone.

You woke up the next morning by a voice on the speaker saying that you had arrived in Toledo. You looked at your phone at saw 47 new messages from Archie, 32 new messages from your brother, 5 messages from Veronica, 11 messages from Betty, 26 missed calls and voicemails from Jughead and 12 missed calls and voicemails from Archie. Sighing, you exited the train with your baggage and looked for your mother. Scanning the crowd, you spotted a teenager, the spitting image of Jughead at her age, just a girl version. She was trying to look over the heads of the crowd and looking for you.

“Jellybean!” you exclaimed, waving at her. She looked towards you and a smile crept onto her face.

“(Y/N)!” she said, hugging you tightly. “It’s been so long, I missed you so much!”

“I missed you too JB. Look at you! You’ve grown into a beautiful girl!” you smiled, “Where’s mom?”

“She’s waiting in the car.” She pointed towards the parking lot.

“Well, let’s go.” You said, walking behind Jellybean to get to the car. She stopped in front of a black Kia. Your mom was sitting in the driver’s seat, she hadn’t seen you yet. She hadn’t changed at all, just aged a tiny bit.

You knocked on the window, surprising your mother. She opened the window and greeted you, unlocking the car so that you could get in. Once you were inside, she started driving and catching up since the moment she left, asking about Jughead, FP and Archie. You had to tell her about why you left and she immediately discovered your secret, you were in love with Archie. It was the only reasonable reasoning for your action, sure you were stabbed in the back but you wouldn’t have had had such an explosive reaction if you didn’t love him. You knew that you missed him but you leaving was going to do you good.

On the other hand, Archie was destroyed by your running away. He showed up to school lacking any emotion other than despair. Everybody in the group could see how much you had affected him, without you he lost all optimism, all happiness. He was in terrible shape, having breakdowns when he saw something that reminded him of you, not talking to anybody.

A few weeks later, Archie had not gotten much better but at least he was now talking to the gang and stopped having breakdowns. (Y/N) Jones was still an off-limit subject until, Veronica Lodge got tired of his moping around and concocted a plan to get (Y/N) back. It started by initiating a conversation bluntly about (Y/N), more specifically her feelings for him.

“(Y/N) was in love with you Archie Andrews!” she yelled out of the blue. Betty, Jughead and Kevin stared at her with their eyes wide and their jaws dropped while Archie just brought his eyes up from his milkshake.

“What?” he asked after her words had sunken in, “That’s not possible, she’s never acted like she felt anything.”

“That’s because you’re both two freaking oblivious to see that you like each other!” Veronica exclaimed.

“Fine, she likes me, but it’s too late, she’s gone.” he said dejectedly, stirring his milkshake.

“These beauties don’t tell me that” she smirked, sliding two pieces of paper towards the redhead. They were tickets to and back from Toledo.

A look of realization hit his face when he read them, “you want me to go to Toledo?”

“Yes. The second ticket is for Jughead, he might be able to help. Now go! The train leaves in Three hours, go pack.” She smiled, shooing them away.

“Thank you, Veronica, you’re the best.” He said grabbing his teddy, leaving the both to prepare to go see his crush.

The train had just arrived in Toledo, Jughead had the address and the duo took a taxi to (Y/N).

After 40 minutes in the taxi, the boys pulled up in front of big house with the word Jones written on the mailbox. Exiting the yellow car, the two of them shared a look, both nervous for different reasons. They walked up the stone path and got to the big wooden door.

“I’ll ring the doorbell.” Jughead told Archie, pressing the small button.

The boys hear a “Coming!” followed by feet walking down stairs loudly. (Y/N) swung the door open, and her jaw dropped when she saw who was at the door.

“Who is it sweetie?” a voice asked from inside the house. You still stood there speechless, your mom, curious walked to the door. Seeing her son, she hugged him as hard as she could. “Juggie.”

“Mom.” He said, wrapping his arms around her.

(Y/N) had retrieved her voice and told Archie, “Let’s give them some alone time, come on.” You led him up to your bedroom.

While you were walking up the stairs, you heard your sister yell Jughead’s name and smiled at the possibility of a reunited family. When you reached your room, you gestured for Archie to sit on the bed with you.

“Listen Archie, I-” he cut you off

“No, you listen this time. It’s my turn to give you a speech.” He told you, taking your hands in his “When you left me to come here, it completely destroyed me. I didn’t know what to do, I had lost all the positivity that was ever in my life. I looked around and everything reminded me of you, I lost my ability to play, to sing. Don’t you get it (Y/N)? My life revolves around you and I wouldn’t want it any other way. (Y/N) (L/N), I have fallen head over heels in love with you and I really hope you can forgive me for what I’ve did because I can’t live with myself knowing that I hurt you. I am so terribly sorry (Y/N). I love you.”

For the second time today, you were speechless. You couldn’t speak so you acted. Cupping his face gently, you kissed him. The kiss was slow and powerful. Your lips melted together perfectly, mixing as though they were made for each other. He grabbed your hips, pulling you onto his lap still kissing you. You pulled away slightly, your foreheads touching as well as your noses.

“I love you too.” You whispered, smiling. He smiled back and connected your lips back together.

“Hey Arch- Oh my God! PDA! PDA! That’s my sister dude!” Jughead yelled.

“GET OUT!” you both screamed, Jughead not wanting to see anymore closed the door and left you to do your own business.