abusers like to act soo self important and self righteous like it makes them gods to have no remorse or guilt or self reflection whatsoever, they will ever brag about how smart and superior they are and other people will be admiring them for the lack of concern for other’s feelings, like it’s some kind of big brave act to not give a shit how your deeds affect others, like it’s an act of true superiority to be completely and utterly confident in your actions no matter what kind of consequences they’re having for others, I just wish someone would periodically remind them that that kind of thing doesn’t make them great, it makes them monsters.

I think, I think one of the worst things about realizing you’ve been abused is the actual realization. Slowly learning what’s normal and what isn’t. Having it smack you in the face that “oh god that wasn’t normal that’s not normal all” and it’s just this horrifying realization

And it gets worse. You remember more trauma. You remember more of the hell they put you through. You wonder how they still think they did nothing wrong?

You doubt. You refuse to doubt. You panic. You become this mess of “is this real” and “I know this is real” and “I don’t want this to be real”

What depression is really like:

•caring about your grades but not enough to do anything about them

•thinking about suicide more than graduating

•considering suicide whenever any problem arises

•tired

•no motivation

•no energy

•walking is so hard

•sometimes even talking is too much work because you’re so god damn tired

•laying in bed for hours because you’re too tired to move

•feeling nothing but sometimes everything

•knowing you’re not alone but still feeling alone

•that constant mindset of, “Who cares? I wont be around much longer anyways.”

•wishing to be left alone, while also wishing for people to stay

•never believing you’re good enough

•always putting yourself down

•never planning to far ahead in time

•fake smiles, fake laughs

•long showers because that’s you’re little moment of escape

i hate when i’m trying to do something and my brain keeps reminding me “someone else could do this better” like stfu i’m doing this now why do i have to care about it being the best in the world, not everything is a fucking competition sometimes i just wanna draw a fucking tree because i feel like it, i don’t need this shit 

Do even really think of me as your child

You compare me to so many others
You ask me why am I like this
You hypocrite
When you see someone’s kid and say that they’re not normal
And blame the parents
You don’t see that that applies to you as well
You fucking hypocrite
You keep saying she is a little light stuck in a family of chaos
Well what about me
I’m a fucking mess
Because of your words
Because of you
You treat everything I say as an excuse
When in reality it really is my reason
What if I don’t want to have mental breakdown while just ordering food
What if I don’t want to scream my head off if someone just accidentally bumps into me
What if I don’t want to cry in front of so many people just because I can’t ask for directions
You treat me like I’m an idiot
An imbecile
When in reality you shattered my mind
You keep telling me I’m lucky
You keep telling me that I’m lucky to have a home
Well what if it doesn’t feel like a home to me
A home is supposed to make you feel safe
Then why do I feel like my words will trigger a bomb
That my actions are a trigger for attacks
Like everything I think is just another cause of an outburst
I thought parents were supposed to protect their child to build them up
Not tear them down with words
You say you don’t hurt me physically
But what about mentally?

So. Mother’s Day is Sunday.
There are a million posts out there about showing your appreciation for your mother and it can make a lot of people with abusive moms feel guilty.

So this is specifically for the people dealing with that guilt: it’s ok to Not buy her a gift, and it’s also ok to go out and buy something super nice for her. Your health comes first, and whichever option helps YOU feel best, then do it.

It’s ok if you cringe when/if she thanks you, if she hugs you and tells you she loves you. That sense of wrongness is hard to deal with, and I’m sorry you have to be one to bear it.

I’m sorry there’s so much mothers day shit out there. I’m sorry it’s all over facebook where she posts with her friends and they all tell her she’s a wonderful mom.

You deserve better. This weekend will be over soon.

Keep yourself safe the best way you can.

The trauma side of tumblr really seems to focus on survivors of csa, and that’s completely understandable, but I don’t see enough posts about kids who had to deal with serious neglect/emotional abuse. It can be devastating as well

shoutout to kids who had to grow up too fast because their parents never allowed them to be a kid

shoutout to kids who had to fend for themselves every day, or even little siblings

shoutout to kids who felt like the parent

shoutout to kids who cling hard to people because they never got the proper love and care that a parent should provide

shoutout to kids who have health issues because they were never taken care of, and it’s hard to recover from

shoutout to kids who felt abandoned and empty and like they had no childhood because their family wasn’t there 

You’re all valid and I’m so sorry for what we’ve had to go through. It’s tough. And I hope we can all heal from it 

I helped myself.
wiped my own tears.
put balm over fresh wounds.
plastered parts of my heart that still were hurting.
gave myself time.
read books that soothed my soul.
heard music that calmed my nerves.
watched movies that made me smile.
bit by bit, piece by piece, I put
myself back together again.
and I gave myself a second chance
because I know that if I didn’t,

then no one else would.

—  Ruby Dhal

you know whats weird?? guys are constantly being teased for being whipped by their gf’s for doing basic things like spending time w her and respecting her, but women who literally cook and clean up after their bfs and do everything for them to an unhealthy extent are just being ‘good girlfriends’ like isn’t there something wrong w that

#just abuse things

-looking over your shoulder every 2 seconds

-panicking and staring at the door every time you hear footsteps outside

-”don’t speak don’t say anything just take it and don’t make it worse”

-being too scared to ask for permission to do anything and then not getting anything done

-someone raises their voice a little and everything just goes to “IM SORRY PLEASE DON’T YELL AT ME IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY P LEASE DONT YELL”

-jumping out of your skin at every unexpected noise

This is for anyone who can’t really relate to Mother’s Day sentiments due to cutting themselves off from toxic parents. Eternal hugs to all of you. I personally haven’t spoken to my mom in over 4 years so it’s always kinda white noise for me when this time comes around. Always remember your feelings are VALID.

“But she’s your MOM.” has to be one of the most insensitive, ignorant, pious fucking statements I’ve ever heard too many times in my life. I can’t stand people who say that to me.

It’s really so generalizing and damaging when people say things like “But they’re you’re family…” as though that mandates that you to continue to enable someone to treat you horribly. IT’S NOT OK.

For those of you who are still dealing with toxic family members, even more hugs to you. It’s a difficult path and we all have our own journey. I wish you strength and peace. You’ll get there.

Much love.