Dise Otso

Catching up a twenty-dollar expense was pretty ironic for a morning exercise, specially when Adele’s song “I’ll Be Waiting” was playing and the shuttle just moved away from me. 

Yes, that’s how my day started. I was half-awake, half-dreaming and half-planning. If not for the time, I would not move. I swear. But it is all about time. My life here after moving is defined by time. From the moment I press a key on my phone to stop the morning alarm to the time I brush my hair and get disgusted by my “hair fall”, I beat time. From catching the 6:07 bus to the 6:22 train, my expenses and career are depending on time. 

For 14 straight hours today, I was catching time. Perhaps, understanding  my routine and goal for the day can help me determine what lies beyond time which makes me follow and run after it. 

Then, I stopped. 

I started not to look and think about time. I literally walked backwards…to live against time, to laugh at myself for being structured and motivated, to stay in a booth and feel home. 

100611: Two Dollar Expense


What about him?

The moment people knew about me moving, questions about my relationship immediately popped-up. As much as they care about my new environment, they also want to know about how I would take care of those precious people around me. Asking is just fine. I like to ask. I ask a lot. We normally and initially ask questions about relationships when we hear things like this. But I think what alarmed me most (funny and/but unnecessary) were the questions about keeping the relationship.

So, is that okay with him?, What did your boyfriend say about it?, Hindi ba kayo mahihirapan?, Is he coming with you?, Maghihiwalay na kayo?, Sinong magbabantay sa kanya?, What are your plans?

Ohh.. hell wait!!! Why those questions?

I understand that LDRs are difficult to manage- Priorities may vary. Time is expensive but not because it is gold. ;) Time may also vary. People change. Opportunities come and go. But still, why those effin’ questions?

To tell you honestly, those questions never came up when we talked about this. He never asked. I never asked. I never thought about it. He was more on the ‘wows’ and I was more on the 'yippees’. It was never clouded nor taken negatively. Yes, we were excited about it. Perhaps, I raised some concerns about me missing him after a week or two. Yes, he did mention about him feeling sad. But those didn’t make us think about quitting.

Perhaps, you would say that I do not understand the difficulty of relationships yet because I am still young, because I am lucky ( I preferred “blessed”) or because I just don’t pay too much attention to attachment. Well, perhaps, I do not; yes, I am; indeed, I am; and perhaps, I don’t.  But that doesn’t make me care less about my relationship with him. It’s just that I always say and believe that people always have a choice.

You always have a choice.

Whether you want it to be boiled or fried, either you prefer it to be outgoing or snobbish, whether you want to see it with baby pink or hot pink, it is still your absolute choice.

Moving out is a choice. Keeping the relationship is a choice. Making the relationship complicated is also a choice.

Asking “what about him” does not mean I do not care about him. Not considering his thoughts about my decision does not mean I do not care about his opinions. Moving out does not mean I prioritize other things than him.

I asked because I do not see the reason why people make things too complicated. I cannot view the real point of making relationships unstable. Why would you prefer a complicated relationship in the first place? Who likes and truly enjoys complicated relationships, huh?

They say people feel challenged by the complicated relationships that they have chosen to be into. They feel more loved and secured when they feel pain and uncertainty at some point. (Ironic, I must say.) They enjoy complications and conflicts which explain and define  L.O.V.E. for them. Pain means love. (Gad, epic.)

Well, let me say that those people are the ones who are still young. Those people let negativism in and let it rule every thing across the board. Those are the the ones who pay less attention to HIS gift.

Today, I miss him more. Although we send SMS everyday whenever we can, we chat over YM whenever possible, he calls me when we’re able, I still miss him… more. I miss him coming over after a week of loaded and toxic office work. I miss laughing with him. I miss thinking about Math with him. God, I love you for making me miss him.

Missing him does not make our relationship complicated. It does not make my feelings less nor weak. Missing someone does not make you weak. It makes you love even more.

My point? Grow up. Leaving does not mean the end of the world. Moving could mean learning, growing and planning. Love is never selfish. Let both of you grow on your own and by your independent decisions. Love without complications. Love. Just love.

Photos: I took these pictures I think a year ago. But he still looks as gorgeous and as neat… until today.

The G.
  • Mimi:Be, kamuka ko ba si Sarah G.?
  • Emil:Opo, pretty!
  • Mimi:Haha!
  • Emil:Ikaw si Minnie G. Haha!
  • Mimi:(Tawa) Haha!
  • Emil:Ayaw mo? (This question made me silently say Awww ♥ BTW)
  • Mimi:(Tawa) Haha!
  • Emil:Kasi ako si Emman G. Ikaw magiging Minnie G.
  • Mimi:(Tawa) Hahaha!
  • Bakit ba kasi lagi kang may banat na malupit pero corny pero nakakakilig pero seryoso kahit mababaw lang, ha?
  • Panay man ako tawa pero alam mo na yun! :) Bonne nuit!
  • #something to smile about despite seeing Sarah G. ;'( Oo na, ako na fan!

I’ve been telling myself for the Nth time that I’ll be okay. Welcoming Christmas and the New Year away from home for the first time will just be like missing the 7:15am shuttle and paying a $20 cab fare to work for a 15min ride. You lost time, you lost money, you missed the moment. Yes, it sucks. Being away sucks. 

But I am okay.

In the family, we do not really stay late for Christmas Eve but we stay all day to celebrate on His day. Christmas lunch and dinner, Christmas gifts, Christmas lights, Christmas for the entire family. 

This year, I opted to welcome the Eve with beer and videoke. Yes, quite a first. I visited a crazy colleague for dinner and music, danced when I felt free, stayed until 3am and woke up at 8am Christmas day to leave the host’s place in the north and attend the 11:15 mass in the east.

I am okay.

With HIM, I am and I will always be okay.