Things You Should Only Have to Learn Once
  • ALWAYS smell the milk before pouring it into whatever delicious and irreplaceable substance you are using it in. If this is the third time yellowish chunks have fallen out, you’re doing it wrong.
  • If the lid looks like it’s not on, it’s probably not. So check that too. Especially if you’re going to shake it or put it upside down. Seriously, how many times does this have to happen?
  • If no one compliments you on your new, fake accent, it’s probably not working. You do not need to keep whipping it out every time a new round of acquaintances comes over. Besides, they already know what your voice sounds like and, sadly, they know you do not have a [bad] Scottish accent. 
  • Similar to the checking thing (and I suppose this should have gone up there then, but whatever, bullet points are hard to work with) check that there is toilet paper in wherever you are using the toilet. Even if, perhaps, you are not using the toilet ON the toilet, you [especially if you are a woman] are going to need some toilet paper.
  • On that note, if you are a woman, you definitely only need to try standing up peeing once to know that no matter what, no matter from what angle, or how much or at what velocity, you will never be able to do it. Sadly, you were not made that way and will have to settle with a safer, lower position. 
  • Craig Feruson is ALWAYS funny.
  • Fashion blogs are [almost] ALWAYS ridiculous.
  • iKEA wil always make you feel bad about your decorating and is always deceptively more expensive than other people let on. Don’t think you can walk in with last weeks pay check and expect to redecorate your apartment. You can get, I dunno, a cupboard and a set of schlockflorgins (salt shakers).
  • If it is two in the morning and you are not sleeping because you have been doing other things, just turn your phone off. No one wants to know your misspelled ramblings and it will only be another thing for you to be embarrassed about when it has become a more decent hour, such as four in the afternoon. 
  • Likewise, don’t order pizza. You will eat it all and it will only be more for you to be sick about the next morning. Have some water. Go to sleep. Easy, peasy.
  • Never make eye contact with the strange old man on the bus. ‘Nuff said.
  • That by now, you have no idea how to be an adult so you keep making the same mistakes over and over and having a great time. 

Rock and Roll.

I just feel like I’m constantly fucking up. Like I’m filled with guilt and embarrassment all the time. I do something and then go “Welp! That was the shittiest thing I could have done! I’m a bad person!” And then I just have to move on? I just have to pretend that it doesn’t bother me? But it does. I can’t……… Think of myself as a decent person because I’ve said things I regret and even if I regret them I still hate myself and I don’t know what to do…. Hope do you continue to love yourself and believe you deserve respect what you’ve been a piece of shit longer than you’ve been nice I just want to apologize constantly for existing because I said bad stuff. I want to hide. I wanna take it back forever because it was wrong. I was so wrong and I made a lot of mistakes and I don’t want people to think the stupid shit I’ve said is my current feelings. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me for all the horrible things I’ve done. I can’t do this.

Story time!

So there’s something wrong with me that i sometimes think really weird and sometimes creepy thoughts and often i can suppress them but sometimes i feel the impulse to share them with the world. So I’m sitting at the beautician getting my nails done and it’s been like 20 minutes of silence and i suddenly think “I wonder if cannibals would put a person in a suntan bed to cook them like toast” and so i decided that it would be perfectly normal for a gothic looking 16 year old to say this to the person painting her nails (blood red i might add) and so i did. Needless to say, she looked horrified and rushed to finish my nails and get me out of the salon as quick as possible