growing up, I had no friends. i was the weird kid who made their crayons battle each other in cheepy voices during a lesson and dance randomly while in line for the library. no one wanted to be close with me, not even the bullies.
so one week in 2nd grade, ever day kids were getting their shoe laces tied together as a prank between friends or kids and their bullies. i wanted in on the fun, but no one liked me.so one day, i decided i’d tie my own shoes together. for funzies. what I didn’t expect, not 5 minutes after i laced those suckers together like 8x with my extra long laces, for my teacher to announce we were heading to the auditorium ACROSS THE SCHOOL for a special performance
i find myself at the back of the line, shuffling and hopping along, because I tied these things so good i couldn’t get them untied in time. i was so unpopular, none of my classmates noticed. i tripped and smacked my chin on the concrete 20 feet from the auditorium. i watched with tears in my eyes & blood on my chin as they all filed into the auditorium without me. i laid there for a bit, picked myself up, and started to work on those stupid laces, when two 8th graders rounded the corner and found me. they were so upset. “oh my GOSH, who DID this to you!?? you poor, poor thing!!” they helped me up and took me into the nurse’s office.
fast forward 45 minutes to little 7 year old me sheepishly sitting in the chair of the principal’s office, fixed shoes, band aid on chin. with my father, my principal, and my teacher all looking pained at this poor, bullied child who wouldn’t fess up to who pulled this trick on her.
last day of school my freshman year. lunch rolled around and the teacher left to go eat, which meant we weren’t allowed to be alone in the classroom by ourselves. most of squad leaves to go eat too and it’s just me and S, somebody I became friends with over a science project a few weeks back. we’re just sitting outside the classroom, backs against the wall on the floor. i’m playing flappy bird S is doing similar shit, but across the hall a teacher walks out of her classroom. an old woman. she walks out of her room, over to the bathroom just 2 feet from her door. she pauses, and then proceeds to let out the loudest fucking fart i’ve ever heard in my life. it practically echoed across the otherwise silent hallway. S and i were flattened against the wall, remaining stark silent in the horror. we struggled not to make a single sound. after an awkward silence in which she continued to stand in the door of the bathroom, she finally disappeared inside. we waited for the door to close and finally opened the floodgates. we fucking died for at least an hour. that’s how we officially became best friends.
my friend Amy messaged me a photo of a product label
just a dumb photo shared with a couple friends, sure.
in retrospect these look mean but you’ve got to trust me here, we’re just three dummies fascinated with a hotmail email address printed on a label.
so I figure I’ll write this company a silly email real quick, asking them a very dumb but easy question. I’m not trying to be mean here. (I try to be kind whenever possible.)
here’s the email:
Amy and Andrew are not happy with me
and honestly i don’t understand why they’re mad at me.
but somehow it hadn’t clicked yet
I should mention, despite all the talk about syrup and pancakes, I sincerely thought I’d just emailed an apple juice company. despite the words “syrup” and “pancakes” getting thrown around, I guess I saw that yellow label and that sugar content and thought, “yep, definitely apple juice” and then wrote an email to a small maple syrup company to tell them “i’m lovin that juice” and “what type of apples are in the juice” like a proper idiot
In my attempt to be silly, I ended up being kind of mean, so i sent a followup email to hopefully make up for the first email:
i am stupid. and i hope i didn’t annoy the apple juice company maple syrup company too much
Scoopinion is a highly adaptive service that custom tailors a newsletter for you. It analyzes your reading habits and sends you your custom digest every Tuesday and Friday with only articles related to what you’re already reading. The more you use it, the better it gets. Scoopinion is an excellent way to get the articles you want without clickbait or the process digging through dozens of articles for one good one.
The brainchild of four New York City Twitter friends, Femsplain was built around what an internet safe space for women should look like. The content is made up of stories that range from goofy to powerful but encourage dialogue and discussion. A must read conglomeration of personal stories that are encouraging, motivating, and thought provoking.
Interested in psychology, art, science, design, or philosophy? Brain Pickings is a “weekly interestingness digest” that has all the most important articles in those topics and more every Sunday. Multifaceted without being random, this newsletter is guaranteed to have something for everyone and will no doubt encourage new interests as well.