funny story

growing up, I had no friends. i was the weird kid who made their crayons battle each other in cheepy voices during a lesson and dance randomly while in line for the library. no one wanted to be close with me, not even the bullies.

so one week in 2nd grade, ever day kids were getting their shoe laces tied together as a prank between friends or kids and their bullies. i wanted in on the fun, but no one liked one day, i decided i’d tie my own shoes together. for funzies. what I didn’t expect, not 5 minutes after i laced those suckers together like 8x with my extra long laces, for my teacher to announce we were heading to the auditorium ACROSS THE SCHOOL for a special performance

i find myself at the back of the line, shuffling and hopping along, because I tied these things so good i couldn’t get them untied in time. i was so unpopular, none of my classmates noticed. i tripped and smacked my chin on the concrete 20 feet from the auditorium. i watched with tears in my eyes & blood on my chin as they all filed into the auditorium without me. i laid there for a bit, picked myself up, and started to work on those stupid laces, when two 8th graders rounded the corner and found me. they were so upset. “oh my GOSH, who DID this to you!?? you poor, poor thing!!” they helped me up and took me into the nurse’s office.

fast forward 45 minutes to little 7 year old me sheepishly sitting in the chair of the principal’s office, fixed shoes, band aid on chin. with my father, my principal, and my teacher all looking pained at this poor, bullied child who wouldn’t fess up to who pulled this trick on her.

to this day, no one knows.

funny story

last day of school my freshman year. lunch rolled around and the teacher left to go eat, which meant we weren’t allowed to be alone in the classroom by ourselves. most of squad leaves to go eat too and it’s just me and S, somebody I became friends with over a science project a few weeks back. we’re just sitting outside the classroom, backs against the wall on the floor. i’m playing flappy bird S is doing similar shit, but across the hall a teacher walks out of her classroom. an old woman. she walks out of her room, over to the bathroom just 2 feet from her door. she pauses, and then proceeds to let out the loudest fucking fart i’ve ever heard in my life. it practically echoed across the otherwise silent hallway. S and i were flattened against the wall, remaining stark silent in the horror. we struggled not to make a single sound. after an awkward silence in which she continued to stand in the door of the bathroom, she finally disappeared inside. we waited for the door to close and finally opened the floodgates. we fucking died for at least an hour. that’s how we officially became best friends.



  • don’t sign up for morning classes. allow yourself time to wake up, go get breakfast, and not be in a rush.
  • don’t take classes that end later than 5 or 6 so you have enough down time and study time in the evening, without having to overlap with dinner.
  • go to seminars on interesting topics that don’t necessarily relate to your major.
  • don’t take back-to-back classes. allow yourself to grab a snack or rest. you might also have to cross campus and not give yourself enough time otherwise.
  • check out before enrolling in a class.
  • take every extra credit opportunity.


  • pour your own drink.
  • don’t mix liquors.
  • drink as much water as you do alcohol.
  • don’t hesitate to call 911.
  • if you’re hungover, drink water, and eat bananas and saltines
  • stay active.


  • nobody else has friends the first couple weeks either. you’re not alone.
  • leave your dorm door open when you’re in there and don’t mind distractions.
  • go to as many events as possible.
  • decorate your dorm with your roommate as an easy bonding experience.


  • make dorm rules with your roommate to set some basic boundaries in the first couple weeks of school.
  • empty your trash regularly.
  • keep a surplus of a quick snack, like cereal or granola bars, for when you’re running late or not hungry enough for the cafeteria.
  • bed bath & beyond, as well as daiso (or find a store), have good and relatively cheap dorm supplies. 
  • save receipts for everything you purchase. figure out how much you spend per week on the bare necessities, and set a weekly budget slightly above that.
  • plan on spending an extra $100 on things you forgot for your dorm.
  • here’s a list of what you should pack.


  • check your student email very regularly. your class might get cancelled, or a free event might be held.
  • take advantage of free services.
  • don’t take your paid services for granted, either. do your homework and don’t sleep in class.
  • explore your school’s website for interesting or useful information.
i’m lovin that juice

my friend Amy messaged me a photo of a product label

just a dumb photo shared with a couple friends, sure.

in retrospect these look mean but you’ve got to trust me here, we’re just three dummies fascinated with a hotmail email address printed on a label.

so I figure I’ll write this company a silly email real quick, asking them a very dumb but easy question. I’m not trying to be mean here. (I try to be kind whenever possible.)

here’s the email:

Amy and Andrew are not happy with me

and honestly i don’t understand why they’re mad at me.

but somehow it hadn’t clicked yet

I should mention, despite all the talk about syrup and pancakes, I sincerely thought I’d just emailed an apple juice company. despite the words “syrup” and “pancakes” getting thrown around, I guess I saw that yellow label and that sugar content and thought, “yep, definitely apple juice” and then wrote an email to a small maple syrup company to tell them “i’m lovin that juice” and “what type of apples are in the juice” like a proper idiot

In my attempt to be silly, I ended up being kind of mean, so i sent a followup email to hopefully make up for the first email:

i am stupid. and i hope i didn’t annoy the apple juice company maple syrup company too much

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