elven assassin

no but hear me out

the thing I love about hawke is that s/he has literally zero contextually respectable romance options. 

like, okay: as the warden, you’ve got a choice between an apostate mage (scandalous), an elven former assassin (sorta scandalous), a former chantry sister (borderline) and a grey warden slash royal bastard (respectable), and as the inquisitor, you’ve got a slew of options that run the gamut from utterly scandalous (qunari mercenary, tevinter altus) to completely respectable (antivan ambassador, ex-templar commander). and I mean, of course there’s always going to be differences of opinion, but generally speaking, in terms of the friends and authority figures you encounter in both games, you’ve always got an option that won’t really rock the boat, or which you can imagine the rest of the world kinda being surprised by, but then shrugging about, because it doesn’t really have much impact on what’s happening to them.

and then there’s hawke, who - in a city on the bloody brink of war between mages and templars, where literally everything related to magic is political as hell, and where the biggest external threats are qunari, tevinter slavers and pirates - is romantically interested in:

- an apostate mage possessed by a spirit who’s actively inciting rebellion against the government;

- an elven blood-mage whose forbidden experiments pissed off even her own, more magically tolerant people; 

- a qunari-sympathising elven ex-slave from tevinter squatting illegally in a decaying mansion who vocally hates pretty much everything to do with magic, even though he’s got lyrium carved into his actual skin; and/or

- a pirate who’s single-handedly responsible for infesting the city with the same qunari who end up setting the joint on fire and killing the goddamn viscount.

and I just. as grateful as the citizens of kirkwall are to their champion, you can honestly imagine that, whenever the topic of his/her lover comes up, there’s this collective groan of hawke, what the actual fuck? like REALLY? you have basically the ENTIRE ELIGIBLE POPULATION (and a significant portion of the ineligible population) ready and willing to go, and THAT’S who you’re boning?

basically hawke’s lovelife is the reason why varric drinks.

The Elven Assassin | Zevran Arainai | [image cred] | [8tracks] [spotify]

“Now, killing… killing and love-making. Killing and love-making and witty retorts. Those I am better at.”

1. killing time - infected mushroom ft. perry farrell | 2. ain’t no rest for the wicked - cage the elephant | 3. can’t sleep, can’t breathe - digital daggers | 4. everybody loves me - one republic | 5. evil and heathen - franz ferdinand | 6. sex and violence - scissor sisters | 7. sexy back - justin timberlake | 8. don’t trust me - 3oh!3

…how do elves do stealth? Their eyes glow in the dark if they catch even a little bit of light I mean… imagine an elven assassin sneaking up on their target and everything is going well until there’s a lamp and then their target knows they’re there because duh their eyes are glowing and I just realised that this is totally something that happened to Zevran and it definitely ended with him falling out a window.

  • person: so in this skyrim gameplay im gonna be something totally different!!! a mage perhaps, or a sellsword! who knows, the possibilities are vast :~)
  • me, being a thieving elven assassin for the 100th time: huh

I wish Isabela wasn’t just showing up for multiplayer though. I’d give my eyeteeth for a DLC for Isabelas Raiders.

You could connect it up to the Corypheus plot if you want. The Inquisitor desperately needs a Macguffin to beat Corypheus. The Macguffin is in a fortress on an island that is absolutely impregnable. So the Inquisitor has to turn to the absolute best to get the job done. Admiral Isabela of course.

And she has her crack team of experts at her disposal to do the job. Call them Isabela’s Eight. An Elven Crow assassin, for covert ops (zevran, of course). An escaped Tevinter Lyrium elf for the muscle (fenris). Two Dalish mage babes to blow up shems (velanna and merrill). A Denerim alienage elf who has come to specialize in infiltration (Shianni). A Legion of the Dead warrior (Sigrun). A noble rogue archer (Nathaniel Howe) Add a new Rivanni infiltrator from Isabela’s pirate crew, because we need more Rivaini characters and voila - oceans eleven caper team go.

So we get to sail a pirate ship into treacherous waters, pull a heist and break into a fortress and then once we’re there? PLOT TWIST. This is actually Corypheus’s hidey-hole, the one we never managed to find during the game, and he’s RIGHT HERe at full power and with all his forces and now your objective is to GET OUT ALIVE.

And Isabela absolutely did not sign on for this saving the world crap she is there for the pillaging and now she has to get her crew out and she’ll damn well not lose anybody in the process! And you the player certainly won’t want to either, because you actually care about these characters and if you fuck up the mission not everyone will get out. Whoops, MERRILL’s dead now, LOOK WHAT YOU DID!! Actual stakes! Suspense! Banter! Super-fun!

And that’s all the plot DLC I need right there.