NOTES/WARNINGS: So Loki is starved (then continues it on himself) here and I might have romanticized a horrible disease, but I wrote it and now it’s on my computer and if I’m going to be miserable for thinking it, I’m taking everyone down with me.
The tray slid into the room, briefly passing through the barrier before coming to a stop at Loki’s feet. He looked down at it and smiled. It was to be expected really.
There was half a loaf of bread, a small bowl of broth, and an apple just short of molding.
Loki sighed, this was the 100 day anniversary of his imprisonment for his crimes against Midgard. In all honesty, it was his crimes for disobeying Odin. Odin couldn’t care less about the death toll, he had committed similar crimes, but how dare Loki act out of place.
The Avengers come back to the tower after a long day of being awesome only to find Ellie there. The young girl has been thinking up ways to improve their superheoring
The team trudged into the Avengers tower. Sweaty, bloody and weary after a long fight. Captain America’s shield was scratched, the Iron man suit was torn with sparking wires by the shoulder. Professor Bruce Banner was in dire need of a new pair of pants, holding the much beleaguered purple sweatpants around his hips as he limped. Hawkeye only had three arrows left. Natasha’s face was smudged with dirt and her hair was falling loose from its ponytail.
So in other words, most days for the Avengers.
Spiderman and Deadpool were currently bickering over reattaching Wade’s severed arm.
“oh my god oh my god peter just let me do it”
“the last time you did it you put it on backwards now stop squirming you big baby”
“nonononono baby boy come on lets be reASONABLE OH FUCK”
Peter had finally jabbed the arm into its correct position, the bones audibly cracked into place as his body accepted the missing piece.
“Jesus fuck on a cracker baby boy warn me when you do stuff like that.”
“I DID warn you! you’ve just been being a baby! You’ve fallen off buildings with less fanfare than this!”
“I probably would’ve complained less if you let me do it!”
Wade and Peter continued to bicker in the background. Out of all of them it seemed only Thor was feeling properly chipper. Thor’s chainmail was bloodied and dirtied but his smile was bright and his gait light as he swung his hammer back and forth.
Thor grasped both Clint and Natasha’s shoulders, one on either side of him as he shook them lightly on their already unsteady feet.
“Indeed friends art there no better sport than the glory of battle?” he grinned wide at the pair of them. The god didn’t seem to notice the poisonous glance Black Widow sent his way at the Comment. Clint decided to intervene.
For Thor’s safety.
“hey Thor, we’re all pretty beat. Mind handling the food?”
The Thunder God perked up at the suggestion, he shook clint harder “EXCELLENT!” his thunderous voice made Peter and Wade pause their bickering and Natasha to glare harder “WE SHALL FEAST AS HEROES!”
“YES FOOD!” Wade pumped both hands into the air, the motion dislodged the newly attached limb and he and Peter watched the limb fall to the ground in a sickening wet splat.
Peter pinched the bridge of his nose “oh for fuck’s sake wade”
Wade motioned to the fallen limb with his remaining hand “that wasn’t my fault.”
Thor merrily jogged ahead of the team as they continued into the tower. He opened the door to the Avenger’s living quarters. In their living room a little girl was coloring with a….is that a hydra agent?
All of her previous weariness forgotten, Black Widow flew across the room, three daggers were flung with expert precision, pinning the hyrda agent to the sofa, a fourth dagger held to his throat. All before hawkeye raised his bow.
Ellie didn’t even look up from coloring as the Hydra agent began sobbing.
“AHHHHH OH MY GOD DON’T KILL MEEEEEHEEEEHEEEEE”
Natasha looked him straight in the eye, her voice steady as a rock and her glare the heat of hellfire.
“Who are you and what are you doing with this little girl, answer me now and I MIGHT not castrate you and staple your balls to your ears like the world’s worst earrings”
The Hydra agent only sobbed harder. Ellie continued to color as she spoke “Aunty that’s just Bob.”
Black Widow loosened the knife a fraction as Deadpool came in with Spiderman holding his reattached arm steady.
The Hyrda agent looked ready to cry tears of joy at the sight of Deadpool. “MR. WILSON THANK GOD!!” He leaned forward only to have Black widow push him back down and press the blade harder against his throat.
“Oh hey Bob! Nice to see you! Hows the Wife? Hows it being held by Black Widow at knife point?”
“ummmm…” Bob squeaked. “She’s fine and to the second question….terrifying and uncomfortable?….”
Black Widow raised an eyebrow at Wade “You know this man?”
“yeah yeah, me and Bob go way back, not sure what he’s doing here though. Thats a little weird..”
Ellie pointed a crayon accusingly at her father “YOU forgot to pick me up at soccer practice! I had to get Bob to pick me up! Do you know how LAME Bob is????”
“Oh shoot baby girl, I’m so sorry, I forgot, Daddy had his arm chewed off by a werewolf ninja…”
She flung a purple crayon at his head “EXCUSES!”
Deadpool pouted at his daughter “Would it help if I told you I saved some werewolf ninja fangs for you?”
Ellie perked up “COOL! WHERE!!???”
Deadpool handed over three long curved fangs for his daughter to inspect “Daddy gouged those out of Daddy’s arm!”
Ellie grinned as she turned the teeth over in her hand “Can I make them into a necklace??”
Wade ruffled his daughter’s hair “Sure thing pumpkin!”
“YAY!” she jumped up and down before she leveled her father with a contrite look “…Sorry for getting mad at you…I know what you do is important…”
Wade dropped to one knee in front of the girl “Nothing is ever as important as you baby girl” he said as he hugged Ellie to his chest.
“Aww thats so cute….” Bruce looked at the tender father/daughter moment, still holding his stretched out pants to his hips.
Suddenly self-conscious he turned to Tony and whispered “…I should probably go put on some pants now that there’s a kid here….”
“yeah you go do that….”
Bob coughed from under Black Widow “…Umm can I go now??”
Captain America made a dismissive motion with his hand “Nat just let him go…”
Natasha took her knives from where she had pinned Bob to the couch, the hydra agent ran, tripping over himself to the elevator. He got inside and frantically started to push the down button, frantically eyeing the Avengers.
At the last moment before the elevator door closed he raised both fists and yelled “HAIL HYDRA!” before letting out a girly shriek as one of Natasha’s knives whizzed past his head and embedded itself into the wall of the elevator behind him. The Avengers all stared blandly as they listened to the sound of Bob’s girly shriek fading as the elevator descended.
The Avengers all got settled in on the couches, flopping to the cushions like battle weary ragdolls as Thor stooped to talk to Ellie. Wade and Peter settled in next to each other, Peter leaning his head on Wade’s shoulder while Wade leaned his head back.
“My heartiest greetings are extended to you young Mrs.Wilson.” Ellie giggled as Thor bowed to the child “Pray thee, what hast thou done in our absence?”
Ellie perked up “I’ve been drawing you guys of course!”
Tony popped up from where he had been sitting “Ah ha! no….no…nope…I’m gone….It never goes well for me when that kid draws…Bye! I’ll be in my lab!….”
Natasha kicks the armored seat of his Iron man suit as he tries to edge past “stop being a jerk and sit your shiny metal ass down, you don’t refuse drawings from kids.”
Tony looked like he was going to protest but a venomous look from Natasha seemed to take any real fight from him. He sat back down, pouting and arms crossed.
“Fine! sheesh fine!” He sighs and motions to the child and leans back “Alright kid, whatcha got?”
Ellie grins and starts to rummage through the papers on the floor “Ok so I’ve got some Ideas!!”
Its then that Bruce returned in a new pair of pants and a t-shirt “What did I miss? Ideas for what?”
Ellie grins wider and every Avenger is suddenly far too aware of just who’s daughter she is “IDEAS ON HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR SUPERHEROING OF COURSE!!!!”
The Avengers all gave each other a worried look as Ellie sorted through her papers.
“OK Aunty Nat!” Natasha straightened at the mention of her name as she was presented with the first drawing.
“OK AUNTY! Picture you! With SPIDER POWERS!!!”
The Avengers all leaned in to see the drawing in Natasha’s hands.
The scribbly Black Widow in the picture seemed to be screaming, her mouth full of sharp fangs and two additional arms below her normal arms, all four arms seemed to be flailing while shooting spiderwebs. a red black widow insignia was adorned onto her chest.
Natasha considered the drawing for a moment. “Wonderful. Though I would like to point out that the red symbol is not very conducive to stealth missions and would likely draw fire…”
Tony raises an eyebrow at the super spy “Really? THATS the problem you have with this? You have FOUR FUCKING ARMS!”
“The more arms to strangle you with now shut up and let her show us her drawings”
Professor Banner continues to look over the drawing “how do you propose we give her extra arms?”
Ellie shrugs dismissively and gently punches the professor on the shoulder “You’re smart, you’ll figure it out! Now I have some ideas for you too!”
The professor begins to sweat.
“You know how you always stretch out your pants when you go all jolly green giant at the bad guys?”
Tony and Clint snigger at the child’s phrasing while Bruce tentatively nods.
“Well my Idea is that you DON’T wear pants”
Tony and Clint giggle louder, Natasha smacks them both upside the head.
Bruce looks even more worried “Excuse me??”
Ellie doesn’t seem to notice the commotion and presents her next drawing. “See dresses and skirts are way stretchier than boring old pants to they ought to stay on you better but then I remembered that not a lot of guys wear skirts unless they’re my dad, so whats LIKE a skirt but not??”
The team all leans forward to inspect the new drawing. Here a scribbly hulk stands proudly in a…….is that a kilt?
“A KILT!!!” Ellie squeals, obviously impressed by her own cleverness.
Clint falls off the couch he is laughing so hard.
“Ummm….” Banner falters under the child’s beaming gaze “yeah….I’ll look into that….”
Ellie turns to Thor “YOUR TURN!”
Thor grins back at the child “Aye I look forward to thy recommendations! pray thee, how dost I improve myself?”
Ellie leans in and cocks an eyebrow at the god “How do you feel about being a…. WEREWOLF!!!” This last word was punctuated with Ellie shoving a drawing into Thor’s face. Thor accepted the drawing and eagerly showed his teammates.
The drawing depicted a very hairy Thor, screaming, eyes crossed, his mouth full of fangs, bushy blonde tail.
Tony looked at the drawing and the jagged werewolf tail on drawing Thor’s backside.
“….Looks like he’s having a fiery explosion fart…..”
Ellie points to a necklace around drawing Thor’s neck “See thats a chunk of moon rock so you can be a werewolf whenever you want!”
Thor nodded and raised an eyebrow in question “Truely is it moon rock? I had thought it a piece of cheese.”
Ellie snatched the drawing back from the god “Its not a piece of cheese!!”
Thor raised a finger “Aye but consider! A cheese necklace may prove to be nigh indispensable on the battlefield! Hunger in the heat of battle is naught a trivial matter!”
Ellie squinted at the drawing and then at the God and nodded “….I didn’t think of that….”
Clint continued to laugh, his wheezing giggles muffled from where his face was pressed to the coffee table.
“OK BIRDMAN YOUR TURN!” Ellie poked the back of Clint’s head. Hawkeye raised his head to rest on his hand as he turned to face the child, his face still beet red from laughing. “OK kid shoot.”
Ellie presented the next drawing “Ok you’re already pretty cool…”
Clint grinned “why thank you!”
“But have you ever considered… KATANA ARROWS!!”
This drawing featured a screaming cross-eyed Hawkeye about to shoot a long squiggly sword from his bow.
Clint eyed the drawing “….Thats actually really cool….”
Deadpool looked at the drawing and nudges Hawkeye “Dude we should try that.”
Ellie turned to Captain America “OK Cap you next!”
Captain America nodded at the child and straightened his back.
“So you are really cool but have you ever considered….” Ellie handed him the next drawing “SWORDS AND NINJA STARS!!”
This Scribbly Captain America, like all the others, was screaming and cross-eyed. the drawing Captain America held one red katana and one white Katana while apparently shooting white ninja stars from his eye balls.
“Get it?” Ellie gestured to the drawing “It’s like the national anthem! the katana swords are your ‘broad stripes’ and the ninja stars are your ‘brights stars!!!!”
Natasha put a hand to her mouth to stifle a giggle and Steve nervously eyed the drawing.
“thank you…Ellie….But I think I’ll stick with my shield….”
Thor nodded approvingly at the drawing “Tis’ good advice brother…A sword is a noble weapon! There is nothing wrong with a diversification of weaponry! before I gained my hammer, I was oft to fight with a battle axe!”
Steve pinched the bridge of his nose and rubbed his eyes “Thor, I’m not going to fight with swords…” “And why shant thee? a sword is a perfectly honorable weapon…befitting of royalty!”
“Wait a second…It that?….” Tony squinted at the drawing.
The Captain america drawing was set on a beach. In the left hand corner was a perfectly innocuous figure sprawling on the sand in a red bikini. Innocuous except for the blue dot on the chest that was obviously supposed to represent the arc reactor in Tony’s chest.
“IS THIS ME????”
Iron man stooped to the floor and scooped up the rest of Ellie’s drawings. Again and again he was depicted in pinup poses, in either bikini’s or short skirts.
“WHAT THE HELL???” drawing after drawing of perky butted winking kissy-faced Tonys flitted about the room as he flipped through one after another.
“ARE THESE ALL ME??”
Ignoring the panicking millionaire, Peter leaned down to his step-daughter “What about us Ellie?” Deadpool leaned down too “Yeah baby-girl, any suggestions for us?”
Ellie hugged her dad and her step-dad “You guys are already perfect”
Wade and Peter hugged their daughter between them, both planting a kiss to her temples. Peter leaned back to face Ellie and kissed her forehead “Come on Ellie, lets get you home…” Peter placed Ellie on Wade’s shoulders and took Wade’s hand in his own. Their little makeshift family leaving with grins on their faces.
Iron man laid on the floor surrounded by about thirty pinup versions of himself.
“…..Why?” he defeatedly whispered to himself.
Natasha sat on his armored chest perusing the pinups. She nodded approvingly as she flipped through them.
“These are DEFINITELY going up in your office” she announced.
Imagine Loki and Thor as children, riding in the backseat of their car/vehicle, loudly bickering as Frigga sits in the front seat, covering her face and trying to remain calm. Meanwhile, Odin, who is driving, keeps threatening to ‘turn this car around or so help me’.
Peter gave Wade’s life stability. Stability to the point where he was able to pull his life together and raise his daughter the way a father should.
Peter and Wade raised Ellie as best as two assholes who knew nothing about children could, it went surprisingly well considering the circumstances.
With the aid of his newfound family, Peter’s constant insistence and a couple of months of being REALLY REALLY good and SURPRISINGLY HELPFUL, Wade was finally admitted to the Avengers. He was still a crude asshole, but he’s gotten better to the point that people not only tolerate him, they’re actually starting to begrudgingly grow fond of him.
While Deadpool and Black Widow had much differing opinions on the matter of subtlety, they can often be found cleaning daggers together and discussing different means of assassination.
When Wade calls it “ASS-ASS-ination” her punch is mostly to hide the small smile on her face.
Tony is definitely the type of man who enjoys a crude joke every once in a while and Wade can actually be funny sometimes. They’ve banded together once or twice to play pranks on Steve.
Clint and Deadpool have worked together before and work together well now, some may even call them “bros”.
Bruce still avoids Wade for the most part, but he appreciates how the former-mercenary is improving and how he acts around Peter. Its actually pretty cute the way Wade leans his head on Peter’s shoulder when they sit next to each other, or how Peter has to qualms about sitting on Wade’s back whenever the former-merc hogs the couch.
Steve is starting to see Wade’s humanity. He’s glad for him and considers Wade to be annoying, but a worthy comrade.
Wade tries to teach Thor pop culture. They’re currently half-way through the 1980’s.
The Avengers all knew that Wade had a daughter but it was in a distant sort of way.
Wade couldn’t go on a mission because his daughter had a soccer game. Ellie had a dance recital. Ellie is going to girl-scout camp (Tony ordered a massive amount of girl-scout cookies from the girl). Sometimes the merc-turned-hero would remark about something cute Ellie did. When they traveled Wade would always pick up a souvenir for her at a street vendor.
They all sent birthday and Christmas gifts to her of course, and Steve once signed a plastic model of his shield for her when Wade brought it in, but they were a step-removed from her life. It was necessary for her to have a normal childhood. Wade didn’t even carry a picture of her, too much of a security risk.
Among all of them it was probably Black Widow who had the most interaction with the girl. Peter and Wade would always chicken out whenever Ellie was having “girl problems” and one of them would always frantically call Natasha.
In retrospect this probably wasn’t the smartest idea, because most of her advice to the child involved punching, stabbing or subterfuge.
Ellie was sent to the principle’s office more than once because of aunty Natasha’s advice.
So it was a surprise for everyone when the child suddenly showed up at the tower. Apparently it was “take your daughter to work day” at Ellie’s school.
Which meant there was a small curly-haired girl silently coloring in the conference room when Steve called a meeting.
Tony was outside of the door to the conference room, flattening himself against the wall, peeking in suspiciously at the young girl. When Bruce walked down the hall towards the conference room, Tony grabbed his arm and pulled him back before he could walk in.
“Hey hey hey Bruce” Tony pulled the other man to his side and whispered to him.
“What is it Tony?”
“There is a KID in the conference room.”
Bruce peeks in at the child “I know what children look like Tony, what did you think it was an elf?”
“No WHY is there a kid in the conference room.”
Bruce shrugged. Tony stroked his beard in thought.
“Old flames used to bring kids once in a while, claiming I was the dad and demanding child support, but how the hell did she get past security?”
“…Tony I think you’re over-reacting.”
“You’re under-reacting! There is probably a crazed one-night-stand loose in the building! This is way worse than Loki! Loki never demanded child support! this-”
Just then Natasha sauntered past them and into the conference room, despite Tony’s whispered pleas.
“Hey kiddo…” she gently mussed Ellie’s pigtails and sat next to the girl.
“I’m young, not deaf, you two can come out now.” Ellie called out to the doorway without looking up from her sketchbook.
Tony and Bruce sheepishly looked into the conference room.
Just then Steve came in past Tony and Bruce into the conference room.
“Ok team we have a busy day of-”
His sentence was cut off by two skinny little arms wrapping around his waist in an ecstatic hug.
“EEEEE Captain America!!” Ellie squealed “Thank you for signing my limited edition Captain America Shield!! ALL the other kids in the neighborhood were SOOO jealous! I have all of your action figures! I have a Hawkeye figure too! Dad doesn’t have a figure yet so I repainted a Spiderman figure to look like him! Now I need another Spiderman figure… And its so cool to meet you!!”
“Uhhhh….” Steve awkwardly pats Ellie’s shoulders. “…Its nice to meet you too?” Why is there a kid in the conference room?
Natasha smiles condescendingly at Steve. “Awww how cute” she titters at him.
Steve gives her an unmistakable look of “Shut up” over Ellie’s curly head.
Its then that Clint makes his entrance. “Hey guys what’s the-” he spots Ellie hugging Captain America.
“Oh my gosh that’s so cute” he gushes.
“I know right?” Natasha agrees while she takes a picture on her cell phone.
“Friends I heard that there was a meeting called, I have come forth as instructed-” Thor walks into the room and pauses at the sight.
“Good friend,” Thor smiles teasingly at Steve and the preteen wrapped tightly around his midsection “Tis quite the belt thou wearest”
Steve glares at him.
Thor smiles wider.
Deadpool finally makes his appearance, entering the room with two cans of soda “Hey Ellie Tony is out of sierra mist so I got you Sprite and Mountain dew, Sprite is like sierra mist and-” He looks at his daughter hugging Captain America.
“Oh my gosh that is so fucking cute” He also pulls out his cellphone and takes a picture.
“You know her?” Bruce asks.
“YUP!” Deadpool bends down and presents his daughter with his arms, like a model presenting a prize on a game show “THIS IS MY KID!!!”
“Oh thank god there’s no crazy one-night-stand in the tower” Tony whispers to himself.
“HIII!!!” Ellie Shrieks against Steve’s perfectly toned abs.
Deadpool laughs fondly at his daughter. “Honey don’t you think its time to let go of Mr. America?”
“Nope!” Ellie squishes her face against Steve’s stomach “I’ve decided this is where I live now”
Clint is giggling so hard that his face is turning red.
“How you gonna eat baby-girl?” Deadpool puts his hands on his hips in a motherly way and tries his best not to giggle.
A thoughtful look passes over Ellie’s face before a look of seriousness and determination. “There will be sacrifices” she says seriously “And you may have to hand-feed me”
“Phhht yeah ok” Deadpool covers his mouth with a hand. “Come on baby girl”
He pokes Ellie in the ribs on both sides, she squeals and her arms jerk back from Steve’s waist to protect her ticklish ribs. Wade uses her distraction to quickly pick her up and sling her over his shoulder.
“CURSES!” Ellie shakes her fist like a foiled cliche villain “MY ONE WEAKNESS!!”
Wade plops her down in the chair by her abandoned sketchbook and sits next to her.
“Er…Uh…” Steve is still visibly confused. “Right I called a meeting!”
“A meeting to show off thine belt?” Thor interjects.
Steve shoots Thor a dirty look “No Thor. Not to show off my bel- She’s not a belt!”
Ellie gives Thor a high-five.
Thor feels very accomplished at this small gesture.
That’s right, Thor is “hip” with the young ones of Midgard, he is “down with it” as the young people here say.
He can “get jiggy” with his “bad self”.
Whatever in Odin’s name that means….
Steve is starting to get a headache. “look its not too serious now, but it will take at least a couple of us so I’m asking for volunteers to-”
Deadpool pops up from his seat “I’m not so sure I can go!” He points at his daughter “Secretary write down my itinerary!” Ellie takes up her sketchbook and a couple of markers.
“First and fore-most!” Deadpool waives his finger about “Ellie has a piano lesson this afternoon!”
Ellie pouts but continues to scribble on the notepad. “ugh.. piano” she whispers.
“Peter is working on a paper so of course he will need our help!”
Ellie looks up at her father confused “You can’t science…”
“No but I can cook while he sciences!” Wade counters.
“ah.” She nods. That makes way more sense.
“Ellie also needs to do her homework!”
“Also later I plan on breaking into the zoo with my daughter.”
Ellie perks up “Can we pet penguins again!?”
“sure thing sweet-pea” Wade pats her on the head.
Deadpool whirls back to his daughter “Now read me back my itinerary secretary!”
Ellie looks down at her sketchbook “I didn’t write down the itinerary, I DID draw a picture of Iron man touching Captain America’s butt”
She handed her dad the picture of a scribbly Captain America bending down like pin-up girl, butt perky and prominent while Iron-man touches the butt.
Deadpool looked at the picture for a couple of seconds.
“GENIUS!!” he yelled “THIS IS THE KIND OF THING I LIKE TO SEE!! YOU MISSY ARE GETTING A RAISE! INSPIRED! REVOLUTIONARY”
Wade addressed the rest of the avengers “Everyone follow Ellie’s example she knows how its done”
Wade proceeded to use a dagger to pin the drawing to the wall the same way normal people put their kid’s drawing on the fridge with magnets.
“Thats not staying here” Tony tried to insist.
Clint’s head hit the table he was laughing so hard.
“Ah ha!” Thor Exclaimed “This drawing, Steve is ‘getting jiggy’ with his ‘bad self’ is he not?”
“I kind of like it there” Natasha nods approvingly at the drawing “I say we keep it”
Bruce looked thoughtfully at the drawing “I’ll admit the kid has a talent for drawing butts….”
“OH FOR THE LOVE OF-!” Steve started to yell.
Just then something green and slimey thudded against the window, it snarled as it slid down the glass, leaving green goo in its wake.
“I was trying to tell you about the mutant blobs running amok but no!” Steve threw his hands in the air exasperated “You all had to talk about butts!!”
“I see no problem with the topic of butts” Natasha deadpanned.
Clint gave Natasha a high-five
“Just will someone go outside with me to help me deal with this!!???” Steve yelled.
In the end the afternoon was spent killing small blobs of goo that had multiplied quickly and now infested the city.
Ellie grabbed one of Tony’s vintage Baby Ruth baseball bats and helped, smashing little blobs of goo while her dad cheered. When she tried to return the gooey and scratched memorabilia Tony said she could keep it.
She also missed her piano lesson.
They went home, cleaned off all of the goo off themselves and made an enormous mess in the kitchen trying to bake a cake for an overworked Peter.
They ended up ordering out.
Peter took a break from his work to eat with his family and they told him about their day filled with butts and goo monsters.