elle says this is us on a double date. i agree, hank and i are excellent garbage can jumpers. date me

every once in a while i will get an anon message where the person is just straight up mad at me for some reason they fail to make apparent. i like to imagine that i’m playing an adventure game and a prompt pops up that’s like, “a goblin approaches! he hails you, waving his makeshift goblin stickweapon threateningly: ‘you have a pretty cool blog especially considering that you’re shit and smell like wet dog and everything you touch becomes a root canal you sticky fucking doorknob!’ he shouts. wilst thou engage the cranky goblin? Y/N”

and i’m like nah du i’m over here with a +9 ogre slaying bow and dragon-repellant underpants, i am dressed to the nines in stacked up endgame duds and i am booked to next july with stomping evil sorcerers and felling the mustiest of elder deep ones. i have a sword powered by crushed-up wizard teeth that can cleave a hillside, why on earth would i waste my time on this little goblin and his twisted goblin knickers. get out of here, i am on my way to give a werebear the peoples’ elbow. busy fuckin woman comin through


i could capture and post all the shit but the summary is “I LOVE WEED AND SPORTS AND BEING A DICKHEAD FOR NO REASON AT ALL”

highlights include:
-not minding racist jokes and not accepting someone who is not okay with racist jokes
-believing women have an obligation to shave their legs and not accepting someone who believes otherwise
-never letting someone who has only a few items go ahead of him in line at the grocery store
-believing anything can be made the subject of a joke (e.g. rape, harmful racial stereotypes, murder, poverty, and so on. hilarious)
-would rather go a month without dental hygiene than pornography

if someone made me pick between dating this enormous toolbag or swallowing a live porcupine whole, there would be one hell of an obituary with my name on it the next day