ellen kennedy

i don’t want to hate the president
i don’t want to go to harvard
i don’t want to win the pulitzer prize
i just want to sit in my bathtub
and think about relationships i will never have
with people i will never meet
and then go lay in my bed
with a magnifying glass
and count all the stiches in my sheets
until i fall asleep
and wake up
to repeat again.
—  Ellen Kennedy
I’m preparing myself for an extended period of loneliness
That will begin very soon I think
I’ve illegally downloaded two new depressing songs
I’ve placed a copy of Good Morning, Midnight under my pillow for easy reference
I’ve printed out the tablature for every Morrissey song I know so I can sing them to myself
Alone in my room
Just a few things are needed really
To make me calm
While I figure out a simple, clean, and effective way to kill myself,
With minimal stress for the person who has to find and dispose of my body
But I’ll probably never think of a way
Because I’ll probably never kill myself
I’ll just lie in my bed suffocating myself with my pillows
While listening to the four songs you said were your favorite
And maybe burn myself a little with the iron
On special occasions
And the next time I’m in a subway station,
I’ll stand a little further on the yellow line
Or maybe the next I’m at your apartment
I’ll try a little harder.
I’m preparing myself for an extended period of loneliness
That will begin very soon I think
I’ve illegally downloaded two new depressing songs
I’ve placed a copy of Good Morning, Midnight under my pillow for easy reference
I’ve printed out the tablature for every Morrissey song I know so I can sing them to myself
Alone in my room
Just a few things are needed really
To make me calm
While I figure out a simple, clean, and effective way to kill myself,
With minimal stress for the person who has to find and dispose of my body
But I’ll probably never think of a way
Because I’ll probably never kill myself
I’ll just lie in my bed suffocating myself with my pillows
While listening to the four songs you said were your favorite
And maybe burn myself a little with the iron
On special occasions
And the next time I’m in a subway station,
I’ll stand a little further on the yellow line
Or maybe the next time I’m at your apartment
I’ll try a little harder
—  Ellen Kennedy, Jean Rhys
I Like Every Time We Have Sex

“I want to have sex with you.” 

“Thank you. I want to have sex with you also.” 

“Really?” 

“Yes.” 

“When I say I want to have sex with you I mean really.” 

“So do I.” 

“I mean really, I don’t just say that as a feeling. Do you understand? Did you really mean that you wanted to have sex with me when we were waiting on line at the movie theater before or did you just mean that as a feeling?” 

“I don’t know. I’m sorry” 

“Don’t be sorry. I really want to know. If I want to have sex with you I would really have sex with you.” 

“Okay. Thank you.” 

“Do you want to go to the bathroom with me?” 

“No. I don’t feel aroused anymore after all of that.” 

“We both agreed that it’s what the person’s final decision is that counts, not if it was influenced by the other person or if they thought of the idea on their own.” 

“I know. I just don’t feel aroused anymore.” 

“Okay. Are you okay?” 

“Yes. Are you?” 

“Yes.” 

“Did you like the movie?” 

“Yes I liked it.” 

“Good. I liked it also.” 

“What time is it?” 

“8:45.” 

“Okay. Does the train leave at 9:07 or 9:14?” 

“9:14 I think.” 

“Okay. We will be there soon.” 

“When we get home, you can shower first.” 

“Okay. Thank you.” 

“Thank you for giving me a blowjob on the train. That was very nice of you. That was brave.” 

“You’re welcome. Thank you for telling me that was nice and brave. I am glad you liked it. We probably could have just had sex on the train without anyone noticing. In an interview I read on the internet a person said that the best place to have sex in public is at a concert standing from behind while jumping with everyone else. That seems skillful.” 

“That is good. I would do that with you. I would have sex with you in public. I think if anyone sees us it will just make their lives more interesting and maybe help them reevaluate what really hurts people. Whenever you want to have sex with me you should try it and I would like it. I like having sex with you whenever you want to.” 

“I am glad you would have sex with me in public. I agree that it doesn’t hurt anyone. I wanted to have sex with you in the handicapped bathroom at EPCOT when we shoplifted the Alice in Wonderland dress.” 

“I would have had sex with you then. Thank you for telling me that. I put 3 vitamins in my smoothie today to counteract the sickness.”

“You’re welcome. I am glad you would have had sex with me then. I drank three smoothies today. I have been feeling better. I hope you don’t get sick from me.” 

“I am glad you have been feeling better. I feel pretty good. I don’t think I will get sick.” 

“Good. Can I call you when I get into bed?” 

“Yes. I would like for you to call me when you are in bed.” 

“Okay. Thank you. I hope you have a good night.” 

“You’re welcome. I hope you have a good night also and sleep well. Good night.” 

“Good night.” 
_
Ellen Kennedy
http://htmlgiant.com/author-spotlight/excerpt-from-ellen-kennedy%E2%80%99s-sometimes-my-heart-pushes-my-ribs-4/#more-7805

yesterday i was talking to myself and i told myself that i was going to write a book and give it to you so i put paper in my bag and put a pen in my bag and rode my bike to the river bank and then sat on the ground and thought ‘i will never write a book’ and watched ducks swim away from me
—  Ellen Kennedy

i don’t want to hate the president

i don’t want to go to harvard

i don’t want to win the pulitzer prize

i just want to sit in my bathtub

and think about relationships i will never have

with people i will never meet

and then go lay in my bed

with a magnifying glass

and count all the stiches in my sheets

until i fall asleep

and wake up

to repeat again.

—  Ellen Kennedy “I Have No Ambitions”