Elk Burgers

When I decided to start writing about the elk burger, one really important question came to mind:

What the fuck is an elk? 

                                        (This is a fucking elk.)

A distant cousin of the moose, elk is one of the largest species in the deer family and native to North America and Asia.  Its conservation status is “least concern,” so I had no qualms about eating this…thing.  So the next question becomes:

Where the fuck do I get an elk burger in Miami?


Went to Publix, nothing. Trader Joe’s, same. Not rich enough for Whole Foods. Not gross enough for Winn-Dixie.  Not enough free time to find a butcher.  So, like a true social media savvy Millennial. I turn to yelp. Shockingly (or, unshockingly) not a lot of burger joints have elk on  the menu.  But, my saving grace is Fuddrucker’s, a cool 5 miles from my apartment.

Sidebar about Fuddrucker’s: my parents used to take my brother and I there when we were kids, and we loved it.  There used to be car shows on Saturday nights, and when walking on the sidewalk to get to the restaurant, my dad would pretend that we were in the jungle, and hide in the bushes to pretend that he was a wild animal.  Plus, my parents let me go and get a free kid cookie by myself, which, when you have helicopter parents, is pretty awesome.

Back to the elk.

So I walk in, order my elk. The cashier asks what kind of cheese I want. “oh fuck, I thought, “I forgot to google what cheese goes with elk” (turns out, many).  I go with provolone, because, why not. I order medium because while I’m not a pansy for well-done, I’d prefer to not look like this when eating a burger: 

After 15 minutes, I get my burger. And it looks like…a burger.  I’m not sure if I was expecting antlers, but it looks like beef. I try it. 


It tastes like a burger mixed in with some venison. The inside is gray.  It’s a bit bland. If I wrote more about my meal this post would turn into a Sylvia Plath piece. I leave, disappointed.  

Elk meat is low in fat, which is what I initially blamed my depressing meal on.  Turns out, though, that elk burgers at Fuddrucker’s don’t have the best reputation

It’s not going to stop my journey to the best elk burger (some go on spiritual journeys, mine are more carnivore incliend), but netnet: when going to a hamburger place, order a goddamn hamburger.