“The Elf on the Shelf” became a Christmas tradition when a book of the same name said it should back in 2005. Basically, it involves placing an elf doll somewhere in your home and telling your children that he’s there to watch them and report the findings directly to Santa Claus, which he does by going all the way back to the North Pole every single night. He then “returns” the next day, positioned in a new spot, where he can once again rule over your child’s behavior using nothing more than his dead-eyed stare.
are you ready to go anon. because i’m about to fuckin go.
you see this smug bastard? god, what a dick. what a fucking asshole. no one over the age of nine likes you, fucker.
let me tell you about the fucking elf on the shelf. last year, or as i like to call it, The Dark Times, i taught a class made up of second graders. they looooved elf on the shelf. they all had their own personal elf at home! they all had an elf in their classrooms! elf on the shelf! yaaay elf on the shelf!
at this point i was like ‘what is this big brother bullshit’ but they kept going. they were like ‘you don’t know elf on the shelf? how do you not know elf on the shelf, miss maggie tumblr user ssoulpunks?? the horror!! the horror!!”*
elf on the shelf is marketed as a christmas tradition. now, i don’t know about you, but most of my classic traditions don’t date back to 2005. i gotta say, to me, classic traditions known the world over should be slightly older than the classic ballad “my humps.” let’s be real, at this point this shit is all capitalist propaganda.
but seriously, let’s go back to the “let’s let the creepy fucking elf star at us day in and day out right after halloween ends.” like??? what is your goal here. why do you need this bullshit propaganda elf spying on your kids. it’s creepy. look at that face. that is the face of nightmares. if that face was staring at me all day, i’d be afraid of waking up with a knife in my face come morning.**
but yeah, all these fuckin second graders are like ‘HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT THE SHIT ELF ON THE SHELF IS’*** and i cant fuckin tell them it didn’t fuckin exist until like a year before they were born. jesus, that would break their little hearts. and make me feel old. i’m not even twenty yet, dammit.
so i basically had to pretend that this fuckin tradition existed for centuries. i succumbed to the bullshit capitalist propaganda. just as all these children’s parents have. just as the teachers have. what the fuck. we have all bowed down in some way to the fucking elf on the fucking shelf. i hate this shit.
scroll up and stare again into his demon eyes. those are the eyes of satan himself. he knows what he’s done.
*this is not an actual quote
**is there a creepy pasta about this? i bet there’s a creepy pasta about this.
If you use an Elf on the Shelf to extort your kids into good behavior this Christmas, it may have graver consequences than sheer creepiness. So says University of Ontario professor Laura Pinto, a digital technology expert who recently published a paper about the doll titled, “Who’s the Boss?” Pinto explains:
What is troubling is what The Elf on the Shelf represents and normalizes: anecdotal evidence reveals that children perform an identity that is not only for caretakers, but for an external authority (The Elf on the Shelf), similar to the dynamic between citizen and authority in the context of the surveillance state. Further to this, The Elf on the Shelf website offers teacher resources, integrating into both home and school not only the brand but also tacit acceptance of being monitored and always being on one’s best behavior — without question. [CCPA]
“You’re teaching [children] a bigger lesson, which is that it’s OK for other people to spy on you and you’re not entitled to privacy," she summarized. –Bonnie Kristian