elf & warrior

All the Chantry’s candles couldn’t compete with the spark that’s in your eyes

“What are you thinking about, Alistair?”

“….uuuummm… Lamp posts, definitely.”


Context: I’m a new DM playing with a small group of veteran D&Ders (consisting of a high-elf Ranger, a Dragonborn warrior and literal cat? cleric), and they suggested that we do a small series of one-offs to get me used to being a DM. We’re in our third one, which is based off the C'thulhu mythos, and they’re about to face off with Nyarlathotep when this happens.

Me: Okay, you find your way to Nyarlathotep’s chapel and as you enter, you hear his voice in your head saying, “Ah, my sacrifices have arrived.”

Ranger: What does he look like?

Me: Knowledge check that.

Ranger: *rolls an 18*

Me: You remember he is described as a tall, swarthy, sinister man, looking as if he had just walked out of Egypt. Dark skin, dark eyes, well built; he looks like a Pharaoh that walked straight out of the past.

Warrior: I roll to seduce!

Me: Excuse me?

Warrior: I roll to seduce the handsome Egyptian-Eldritch god.

Me: … I don’t even know why I’m allowing this but okay.

Warrior: *rolls a nat20*

I’m just staring in disbelief at this point, and everyone else is laughing.

Me: Okay, fine. Nyarlethotep pauses and considers, then grabs you and stuffs a tentacle down your throat and into your stomach, placing something, probably an egg of some sort, there before tossing you back down. Congratulations, you are now pregnant with the Dunwich horror. In about a month, it’ll eat through your stomach and probably you before bringing chaos upon the world.

Now its his turn to stare, and I’m just like, “What?”

Cleric(OOC): Wait, what? His character’s a dude!

Me: The forces of chaos care nothing about your insignificant human gender binary.