elegant ballet

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Professional Division Students of Pacific Northwest Ballet, by Kyle Davis.

So through the years it’s become a necessity for the Batfam to get good at distracting large groups of civilians so that other members can sneak off and change or so that no one really notices that ‘hey Red Robin and Spoiler just left and now Tim Drake and that blonde chick are entering the room all disheveled-like’. 

So I headcanon that, even though it’s not anything official, they all have signature ploys that they use whenever there’s a need for them to distract a large group of civilians from whatever nonsense is going on.

Bruce: Bruce usually just becomes ‘Brucie’ and knocks something over/falls off of whatever he’s on/trips/laughs really loudly at ‘a joke he just remembered’.  Legends are still told about the time Bruce Wayne knocked over six (6) priceless vases at a charity auction in the span of twenty minutes.

Dick: Dick usually leaps atop whatever table/furniture is around and loudly announcing his intentions to start a boy-band to honor his heroes Britney Spears/Bruno Mars.  Every time this happens the Internet basically shuts down for a few hours.  Sometimes he signs a song if extra distracting is needed (usually ‘Circus’ or ‘Uptown Funk’) and every time the name of his band is different.  Notable band names include Titans of Pop, Dick’s Dicks, and The Scaly Panties.

Barbara: okay, we all know that Babs is totally an activist for a number of causes.  So she usually either ends up roasting whatever Republican congressmen happens to be nearby (happens mostly at Bruce’s galas) or starting random mobs of protests based on whatever she’s feeling particularly passionate about at the moment. 

Jason: Jason has the advantage of being Legally Dead, so he doesn’t have to worry about ruining his reputation or civilian ID.  Jason also has the advantage of being a Relentless Shit, so usually he either starts spewing the most ridiculous conspiracies about Batman (fun fact- Jason was the one who first spilled the beans that Batman and Bruce Wayne had a torrid ten-year-long love affair) or he lets everyone in on the secret Wayne gossip he just dug up.  Nothing harmful, mostly stuff about Dick getting drunk and marrying a goat, Tim Drake being a cyborg, Damian Wayne actually being six and not ten. 

Duke: Duke really tries his best to be good in his civilian ID.  He’s usually the one pointing out the window and yelling ‘WAS THAT BATMAN?!?!?’ while Bruce and the others sneak off in the other directions.  One time though, there was an emergency and he just couldn’t think of anything to do.  And that’s the story of the time Duke Thomas re-enacted forty-five minutes of the first Lord of the Rings movie (perfectly, as witnesses will attest) to stop Riddler and the Penguin from killing hostages at a Wayne family gala. 

Cass: Cass dances.  Sometimes it’s elegant ballet, and she’ll take different partners in the crowd until everyone is clapping and laughing and hoping that the Princess of Gotham picks them next.  Sometimes it’s hypnotizing break-dancing that usually ends up in a huge crowd with everyone straining to take video.  Several of her impromptu performances have made it online, and she already has curious letters coming from Julliard and the Joffrey Academy of Dance.

Tim: while Tim isn’t quite a meme yet, his ability to do the weirdest shit while sleep-deprived is something that everyone in Gotham is deeply aware of.  There is no predicting what Tim will do if he has to distract people.  Some of his past stunts have included him singing both parts of ‘Fuck You’ from Holy Musical B@man, reciting the entire Gettysburg Address while trying to cram seven strawberries in his mouth, and starting a food fight at one of the Wayne Foundation charity events.

Stephanie: Steph is notorious because she really doesn’t have anything to lose.  She’s done everything from creating mosh pits in Gotham’s main road to encouraging people to pick out ‘souvenirs’ (read: Bruce’s property’)  from the gala.  Her favorite distraction though has been the time where she convinced Harley Quinn and a room of three hundred shocked people that she was Bohemian Rhapsody Wayne, Bruce’s lovechild from Texas. 

Damian: the first time Damian had to distract a large crowd, Jason gave him the helpful advice of ‘Just scream.’  And so Damian did.  He screamed for the entire fifteen minutes it took for the entire assembled Batfam to change into costume and bust in through the windows.  Bruce Wayne later told the press that it was ‘a showcasing of modern art, something Damian greatly enjoys’.  Damian’s real showstopping distractions though are his Animal Ratings.  He finds whatever dog/cat/bird/rat is nearest and loudly starts examining/praising it.  Rumor has it that the Gotham elite now smuggle their dogs into Bruce’s parties in the hopes that Damian will give their pooches an 11/10 (which is a joke because that’s the only rating Dami is capable of giving any animal)