eldridge tie

Transgender Prose Poem (for my creative writing class)

October 19th, 2014 - Hieronymus Lake

A little girl only about two years old, “too young to understand who she is”, picks up the toy soldier and the monster truck. She holds up the truck in the air and waves it around, yelling. A woman, her aunt, sits down in front of her. She gently pries the truck and the soldier from her tiny grasping hands. The woman then explains to the hurt and confused child that those toys are for little boys. The child is handed a doll. Three years later, and the girl is five. She has been asking recently why she has to wear a dress and a bow. Why does her hair have to be long? Why can’t she have some cars or Legos to play with instead of all the dolls? She only ever cut the dolls’ hair and pretended that they were a really skinny football team. She then started to say that she wished she were a boy. The adults laughed and called her a silly girl and said that she was such a tomboy. Tomboy: the term for young girls who exhibit a rough and tumble attitude typical of boys. She grew to hate the term. Fast forward years later, she is just now hitting puberty. People are telling her to grow up – to act like a lady. She needs to stop playing with the boys. Stop pretending to be a dragon hunter, or a racecar driver, or a United States Marine. The day she started her first period was the worst day of her life so far. It confirmed that which she was so terrified to admit. She was a girl. She always had been. She always would be. She hated herself. Middle school was rough but high school was impossible. She learned how to flirt with guys and to paint her nails. She learned what not to say and do. She learned what clothes teenage girls were suppose to wear. She pretended that she didn’t read Esquire and GQ and she didn’t know how to tie an Eldridge knot. She covered the mirror in her bathroom so she wouldn’t see her naked body on the way to the shower. She hated when she had to buy a bigger bra size and she never once tried to use a tampon instead of a pad. She was disgusted by her body and her emotional reactions and her high voice and the way people wanted her to be. But the day she first heard the word “transgender” and learned of its meaning was the first day that she thought that she could be happy. She researched all the terms and read blogs and watched videos. She grew more and more determined that she identified with this new group of people who were born in the wrong body just like she was. She learned that if she was meant to be a boy than she could be. She could be whatever she needed to be happy. She knew this was what she was. She was a boy and he was so happy. He was so ready to begin his life. He knew it would be long and difficult and that the world would be against him. But he was going to be true to himself and never let anyone decide who he was ever again.

- Hiero

Compendium Of Pitti Uomo 85 Live Coverage

Pitti News: Europeans of every size are abuzz today at Pitti with the news that the Men’s Wearhouse/Jos. A. Bank merger is back on.  Said Brunello Cucinelli, “The Jos. A. Bank/Men’s Wearhouse merger is great news since I’ve been trying to break into the 4-for-the-price-of-1 business for ages.”  Said Luciano Barbera, “The JAB/Wearhouse merger creates a brand with one retail outlet for each American who still wears a tie.”

Pitti Happenings: Allen Edmonds has a big presence at this years’s Pitti with a large, blobby, oblong booth.

Pitti Uomo Vendor Report: Barges have been tethered at the Arno to accommodate this year’s overflow crowd of artisanal tie makers.

Pitti Personalities: Greg Lellouche of No Man Walks Alone was spotted walking alone.

Tommy Ton Overheard At Giacosa: “I’m only photographing nuns and priests this round, with the caption ‘Trending.’”

Breaking Pitti News: Scott Schuman rushed to hospital after Tommy Ton drops lens cap, hitting Schuman on the head.

Pitti Celebrity News: Kanye West’s publicist leaked that Yeezus will stun Pitti by bursting through Botticelli’s masterpiece The Birth of Venus on arrival.

Pitti Vendor Update: The Armoury stated that they are skipping this Pitti Uomo because Pitti “is played out” and ” the butt of relentless vox jokes.”

Pitti Surprises: Tom Ford and Thom Browne high-fived each other at the announcement of their F/W 15 collab, which they designed together to “confuse people.”

Uomos In Da News: Brunello Cucinelli introduced 14 new shades of beige today at Pitti and “even softer lux cashmeres” that can only be worn “once.”

Purred Cucinelli, “Our new cashmere is not even woven, it’s just wads of cashmere that cling to you with static electricity.”

Pitti Politics: Banana Republic announced that effective today, it is the newest member of the UN, with a seat on the Security Council.

Noted Banana Republic, “We will ally with China, where most of our workers are, but will support our colonies in US malls.”

Pitti Trends: Trending down? Smoking cigarettes. Trending up? Smoking Meerschaum pipes and wearing capes with Meerschaum pipe pockets.

Tumblr At Pitti: Tumblr’s Big Top circus tent in which the Eldridge Tie Knot is being taught mobbed by Spaniards.

Trending at Pitti: Artisanal pocket squares tied in an Eldridge knot and stuffed into cape lapel buttonholes.

Pitti Vendor News: Crocs announced this afternoon that it would launch a new range of “double monk Crocs” for “lazy, off-trendy dudes.”

Pitti Uomo Tips: Attendees seeking a quiet refuge from Pitti Uomo cacophony are advised to seek out the tent “Ask the StyleForum Experts.”

Pitti Polar Vortex Report: The most comfortable attendees in sub-freezing Pitti today are those who brought several sweaters but flew RyanAir.

Personal Pitti Reflections: Everyone at Pitti is fascinated by the martini that I’m drinking now. I’ve told them that it’s a “white espresso,” but they don’t really get it.

Pitti Uomo Obamacare Update: There’s a mood of anger at about the Obamacare website, particularly its lack of Affiliate Vendor Threads and AdSense ads for Men’s Wearhouse.

Pitti Uomo Retraction: Our earlier reportage that the Armoury will not be at Pitti was in error as they have purchased Pitti Uomo today.

Another Day At Pitti: Sunrise is six hours later than usual, but we will still proceed with coverage.

Wednesday Pitti Uomo Roundup: Internet here is marginal, so only a couple tweets went through today. My apologies. But I can report…

…that Scott Schuman is out of the emergency ward after the lens cap incident yesterday with Tommy Ton.

It took the Italian ER doctors several hours to notice The Sartorialist through their cigarette smoke, but he is now out.

Schuman has a cast covering the top of his head, both for recovery and for protective reasons.

Pitti Uomo War Update: Because of the concurrent scheduling of London Collections AW14 and Pitti Uomo 85, a formal state of war now exists between the two nations.

RyanAir flights in both directions were filled with more refugees than usual as tensions between Italy and the UK mounted.

Angela Merkel, clad in lederhosen despite her shattered hip, urged London Collection and Pitti Uomo attendees keep calm as other intermediaries and she seek a peaceful solution.

The Pitti Reaction: As news of the impending shuttering of J. Press in NYC reached Pitti attendees, reactions were confined to, “J. What?”

Puzzled Pitti attendees were shown photos of Shaggy Dog sweaters, eliciting the reaction, “J. Press sold defective sweaters?”

Pitti Shoe Report: Shoe manufacturer Alden unveiled its new slogan today: “A Little Bit Nicer, A Little More Expensive Than Allen Edmonds.”

Pitti Trend Cliff Notes: Inis Meáin Cape.

Pitti Research: A good retrospective of Pitti Uomo SS ‘11 is a website called “Yoox.”

Pitti Tonight: The discos and YMCAs of Florence’s famous nightlife scene are packed to the brim with Pitti Uomo attendees letting off steam.

Said one dancing, caped Pitti attendee at Disco Lino, “My right arm is friggin fried from holding up a cell phone all day!”

Said another twerking Pitti attendee, also caped, “The 2016 Nordstrom Rack and Gilt Groupe collections are almost finalized.”

Menswear In Da News: LVMH announced a surprise hostile takeover bid for American tailored clothing giant Men’s Wearhouse.

LVMH’s Bernard Arnault stated, “Acquiring Men’s Wearhouse aligns with our global competition with Senegalese street vendors.”

Added Arnault, “The Senegalese produce exactly the same product at the same quality level that we do, so Men’s Wearhouse will be a key strategic piece of our worldwide strategy.”

LVMH also plans on distributing diffusion line cognac and sparkling wines through Men’s Wearhouse in “single serving bottles.”

If the takeover is successful, it is expected that LVMH will change its name to LVMHMW.

Pitti Announcements: At a press conference today, LVMH revealed plans to open its first factory in the US.

The new LVMH factory in Alabama will make “Made in France” labels for LVMH’s Chinese manufacturing operations.

Pitti Personalities: Pitti Uomo was all abuzz today with the surprise visit of a caped Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey.

Governor Christie wowed street photographers when he twirled, showing that he was wearing not one, but two capes.

Said Governor Christie to the Pitti crowd, “I need two capes, one for each side. Yeah, I’m a big guy, what of it?”

Pitti Techno News: 3D printing technology emerged at Pitti today as objects that look like real mobile phones were churned out on demand.

The most popular 3D printed object at Pitti Uomo that is almost lifelike in its resemblance to a real cell phone is called a “Blackberry.”

Noted one menswear industry observer, “These revolutionary 3D printers can already produce mewelry like bead bracelets. The future is incredible.”

Pitti Exhibitor Update: The largest contingent at Pitti Uomo 85 is Jos. A. Bank, which sent four employees for each admission pass.

Pitti News: Only the sound of fluttering capes could be heard over the silence as it was announced that Pitti would be extended two months.

Said Pitti organizers, “Look, we’re going to keep doing this thing until you dudes get it right.”

Reaction to the news that Pitti would be extended two months was greeted positively by artisanal tie makers.

Said one artisinal tie maker, “The extra two months will allow me to make three, maybe four, new ties.”

The news that Pitti will be extended two months has sparked a mass exodus of native Florentines from the city.

Attendees from Jos. A. Bank, who number in the hundreds at Pitti, were observed squatting in abandoned Florence homes.

Said one Jos. A. Bank attendee, “Actually, we sleep four to a bed, so we need less space than you would think.”

Pitti Brand Reports: As we settle into the 2-month extension of Pitti Uomo 85, we can take a break and start looking at specific brands.

First up will be the brand with the largest presence at Pitti Uomo, which is of course, Jos. A. Bank.

JAB seemed to be everywhere at Pitti this year, perhaps because JAB attendees always traveled in groups of four.

Jos. A. Bank arrived at Pitti Uomo cape-less…but, it will not leave cape-less.

At a hastily organized show yesterday, Jos. A Bank presented its new line of capes for next year.

The new JAB capes are white and approximately bed-sized, with some having elastic at the corners.

The Jos. A. Bank capes are held together at the neck with one’s own hand, leaving the other hand completely free to do stuff.

Said the JAB spokesman, “Our capes will also come in patterns and colors, depending on sourcing from Bed, Bath, and Beyond.”


Cuccinelli Report: This Pitti Uomo marked another season during which Brunello Cuccinelli added another zero at the end of all his retail prices.

Said Cuccinelli, “Our brand strategy of annually increasing our prices by a factor of ten has paid off handsomely.”

“My hope,” continued Cucinelli, “is that by 2021, I can sell a single sweater each year and be done with it.”

Cucinelli added, “At this Pitti, we are pleased to introduce our beige cotton ‘chino’ pant for next year.”

“Our chino,” said Cucinelli, “is unremarkable in every way except price, which is stratospheric.”

Pitti Update: On this Day 2 of the two month extension of Pitti Uomo 85, the mood is tense because of the 2:00 PM curfew imposed on cape-wearers.