effort-and-ease

18 ways to deal with stress!

Stress is inevitable. It walks in and out of our lives on a regular basis. And it can easily walk all over us unless we take action. Fortunately, there are many things you can do to minimize and cope with stress. Here are 18 ideas for handling stress without causing more strain and hassle, Insya Allah!

Our success depends on our sincere efforts to the best of our abilities. It is the mercy of Allah that He does not demand results, Alhamdulillah. He is happy if He finds us making our best sincere effort! May Allah grant us ease! =)

Horoscope - Sept 15 2015

Aries Horoscope

(Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You can’t escape from the consequences of someone’s unexpected emotional outburst with the interdependent Libra Moon visiting your 7th House of Relationships now. You may be feeling particularly generous while energetic Mars supports your heroic efforts at putting others at ease. Nevertheless, you must also attend to your own needs today, or you won’t have anything to give to anyone else. Being a more perfect partner is an admirable goal as long as you don’t lose yourself in the process.

Taurus Horoscope

(Apr 20 – May 20)

In theory, your straightforward strategy would make your workday more pleasant. However, in practice, you might be overwhelmed by all the details you must manage today. You can’t hide your head in the sand because there is just too much going on now. Thankfully, you have a knack for simplifying the most complicated of circumstances with just a bit of resolve and common sense. Start by setting new priorities and you’ll quickly regain your confidence after you eliminate some of the noise. Confucius said, “The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones.”

Gemini Horoscope

(May 21 – Jun 20)

The emotional web you are weaving may begin to unravel this morning, and your energy might feel as if it’s tangled up in knots. However, you should be able to iron everything out once you navigate your way through these annoying challenges. The key is perseverance; the difficult spots will only grow if you try to avoid them. Acknowledging the presence of negativity is the first step to putting your life back in order. You can’t change what you refuse to confront.

Cancer Horoscope

(Jun 21 – Jul 22)

Unexpressed feelings at home complicate family dynamics in more ways than one. Separating your own feelings from those you love today can be tricky, even if you attempt to remain objective in your assessment of the situation. Contemplating your options makes sense, but dwelling on them is of no use. Don’t hesitate to take action once you review the possibilities; you have a small window of opportunity now to make something wonderful happen. Speak your truth and let the universe take care of the rest.

Leo Horoscope

(Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Your path into the future may seem clearly obvious, but a few distractions could obscure your way today. You might even feel as if others are acting out of desperation, trying to persuade you to set aside your plans in favor of theirs. Unfortunately, fighting for your cause won’t solve anything; confrontation just escalates the tension. Don’t stop to justify your actions. Sidestep the entire conflict by quietly doing your thing now instead of wasting energy in endless dialogue.

Virgo Horoscope

(Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You might be caught off guard as a coworker or friend does something unexpected that derails your plans today. You may even feel emotionally abandoned now, even if no one has really left you. Keep in mind that times of great progress are often preceded by times of great chaos. Don’t miss this opportunity to explore a whole new set of possibilities in response to the shifting landscape. Change is inevitable; growth is optional. Evolve while you have the chance.

Libra Horoscope

(Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You’re searching for a good excuse to change your mind now that the evocative Moon is hanging out in your ambivalent sign. Although you often skillfully employ logic to explain your waffling, objectivity isn’t all that helpful today. It’s your emotions that are currently fluctuating every few minutes. If you don’t like what you’re feeling in the moment, just patiently wait for the next wave until your moods begin to stabilize. There’s no harm in floating for a while in the ebb and flow of your heart.

Scorpio Horoscope

(Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You’re trying to maintain a balanced perspective on your life, but there’s only so much objectivity you can manage now. There are just too many variables to juggle these days, each adding subtle nuances to a delicate situation. You can make yourself crazy by attempting to untangle the threads of complexity. Or, you can turn up the volume on your daydreams and drift downstream for a while. Escape is an attractive alternative as long as you remember it’s only temporary. Travel in your imagination today, solve your problems tomorrow.

Sagittarius Horoscope

(Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You may feel an irrepressible urge to socialize with your friends today, partly because you’re afraid you will miss out on the action. Although the idea of playing hooky is quite tempting, you can’t just take the day off because it suits your fancy. Lucky Jupiter encourages you to believe that everything will work out fine, no matter what. But bailing on a commitment is not the right thing to do. Don’t let blind optimism talk you out of being responsible. The choice is all yours, along with the consequences.

Capricorn Horoscope

(Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Although you have partnership issues on your mind today, they’re actually just mere distractions from the real dilemma at hand. Career decisions need to be made now that will have long-lasting ramifications. In fact, your current choices also have a significant impact on a spouse or companion. Thankfully, your emotions begin to settle down later in the day, revealing the most direct path to your goal. If you take the feelings of those you love into consideration you will be able to act from both your head and your heart.

Aquarius Horoscope

(Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You are not the only one who thinks your adventurous ideas are pretty outrageous today. Although letting your imagination run wild could completely upset the apple cart, it might be worth the consequences anyhow. Set aside the restraints of logic and time while you explore all the alternatives without being attached to the outcome. Ultimately, you might not be able to take this particular dream trip, but giving yourself permission to fantasize may be enough of an escape for now.

Pisces Horoscope

(Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Your restlessness may get the best of you today as you envision the numerous possibilities stretched out in front of you. Unfortunately, you are tied to your previously made commitments, so you can’t just wander off the beaten path now. Instead, keep your eyes on the road and your feet on the ground. Honoring your priorities is a wise antidote to all the spacey energy coming your way. Delivering on your promises demonstrates the strength of your character and the integrity of your intentions.

Source : Rick Levine

Read more about your horoscope here

X-Files Fic: Distractions

Rating: Explicit
Timeline: Revival

For @txf-fic-chicks‘s birthday contest.  Scully celebrates the first birthday without her mother.  


She wakes to a world of sensations, flooding through her core and radiating out to her every extremity.  There is a hand covering her hipbone there, the scratchy tickle of stubble along her inner thighs there, and in between, gentle but purposeful circling around her clit, an inquisitive swipe of tongue below, questing fingers reaching deep into her.

She does not open her eyes, does not move, does not give any sign at all that she is awake.  She lies perfectly still and loses herself in the ecstasy of his focused attentions.  He doesn’t often wake her up this way: it would require him to be up before her, and while at one time that wouldn’t have been out of the ordinary, years of early mornings at the hospital have destroyed her ability to sleep in.

Scully knows why he’s doing this today, of course- why he’s making a special effort to ease her into the day gently, sweetly.  She appreciates it more than she can tell him… verbally, anyway.  

Mulder changes the angle of his hand, flipping it palm-up, and the new rush of sensation is too much for her to keep still any longer.  She gasps and squirms, giving the ruse away even though she still does not open her eyes, and she feels him smiling against her.  The sensations intensify as he works at her more vigorously, and soon, she is shaking violently and moaning her release as the tide washes over her.

Mulder covers her with the quilt as he withdraws from her, crawling up the bed to lie beside her.  She rolls to face him, and now she does open her eyes, finding his face inches from her own.  He looks exceptionally pleased with himself.  Over his shoulder, through the bedroom window, she can see the sun rising red on the horizon.  It’s a sight she’s seeing more and more these days; the once-occasional nights she began spending here when they started working at the FBI again lengthening into weeks.  She still has her DC apartment, but lately it seems she’s only keeping it for nights when they’re too tired after working late to drive all the way out to the house.

It’s only a matter of time, really.  The lease will be up soon.

Keep reading

things always work out anyway. and, when we relax, we get to where we want to go much quicker than when we attempt to force and fight our way to something. because in ease, we are exactly where we want to be. the illusive end point is viewed as a place where they’ll be peace and joy, so it makes sense to allow joy into the present moment, regardless of circumstances. this doesn’t suggest complacency or lack of effort. it simply points towards ease and a beneficial kind of action that is inspired yet effortless
—  dont worry about a thing
Horoscope - Feb 24 2015

Aries Horoscope

(Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Taking a setback in stride today casts you in a favorable light. However, you have a better chance of succeeding if you stop long enough to listen to the messages you’re receiving from your peers. The resistance is probably occurring for good reason, even if you choose to avoid it. Thankfully, the obstacles could become manageable once you understand why they are appearing in your path. Remember, it’s less crucial now to reach your destination than to integrate the current lessons. Everyone is a teacher when you’re ready to learn.

Taurus Horoscope

(Apr 20 – May 20)

You could feel complacent with your current trajectory in life, making it more difficult to shift into gear, even if you have a lot to accomplish today. Thankfully, you can sustain your efforts with ease once you finally get moving. But once you find a workable pace, you won’t want to slow down no matter what stands in your way. Overreacting doesn’t enable you to make faster progress, so remain open to another point of view to widen your perspective. More awareness means more options.

Gemini Horoscope

(May 21 – Jun 20)

Conserving your energy is a good idea today; practicing moderation prevents you from wasting valuable resources. However, it isn’t wise to think of this as a retreat; instead, you need some quality downtime to solidify your recent gains. Remember, you could jeopardize your work if you react impulsively without considering the consequences. Luckily, you can make significant progress if you concentrate on your long-term goals and believe in your future success.

Cancer Horoscope

(Jun 21 – Jul 22)

You want to keep your feelings private today, but someone’s erratic behavior is likely to push your buttons and prompt you to respond. Even if you try to let the annoyance pass, your thoughts seem to have a life of their own. Just remember that when you do finally choose to express yourself, speak your truth as clearly as you can. Taking full responsibility for your words helps to avert an unnecessary argument. No one can find fault in what you say if you come from a place of love.

Leo Horoscope

(Jul 23 – Aug 22)

A close friend or partner might seem emotionally distant today if he or she acts without taking your feelings into consideration. But you may jump to an incorrect conclusion because you don’t have all the pertinent information at your disposal. Don’t react too quickly; listen closely to what others have to say now or you could miss your chance to improve your game. Deliberating on your long-term plans could save you from experiencing short-time grief. Haste makes waste.

Virgo Horoscope

(Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You’re not as isolated from others as you think, even if you are singing the blues today. Thankfully, your truest friends come through with the support you need. However, they still may not be as warm and nurturing as you wish. Nevertheless, your loved ones show up for you if you don’t push them away with your false assumptions about how they should react. If you are feeling insecure, give others the benefit of the doubt. They may warm up if you don’t give them the cold shoulder first.

Libra Horoscope

(Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You may think that someone isn’t being very responsible today and it falls on your shoulders to pick up the slack. You could quickly grow to resent a friend or co-worker who pressures you to make a decision on a subject you’re not yet ready to address. You’re not interested in cooperating with those who appear to have their own agendas. Nevertheless, it’s healthier to observe your discomfort now and express your dissatisfaction another day once your emotions have settled down. Good things come to those who wait.

Scorpio Horoscope

(Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You have significant goals that grow more refined day by day, but you’re not willing to discuss them with anyone else. A positive outlook on your future is a blessing, yet your feelings may be so intense that you could overwhelm someone when you stand up for your beliefs. Fortunately, you are able to avoid a needless argument if you simply remember to tread softly and carry a compassionate stick. It’s not necessary to get bent out of shape over something that ultimately isn’t that important. In the meantime, channel your emotional passion into your work.

Sagittarius Horoscope

(Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Don’t dismiss someone’s concerns too quickly, because it’s less critical to you than it is to the person who confides in you. You might lose out on an opportunity to move a relationship into new realms of intimacy if you’re unwilling to participate in a heartfelt discussion. However, total resolution isn’t necessary yet. Find a way to be supportive without getting swept up in a false sense of urgency. There really isn’t a rush as long as you are sincerely engaging in the process.

Capricorn Horoscope

(Dec 22 – Jan 19)

There’s more going on than meets the eye today, judging from a difficult interaction with a friend or coworker. Even if you can tell that a power issue is lurking just around the corner, you don’t know how to work with the apparent imbalance. You could create more problems than you solve by confronting the resistance. However, you will only contribute to the awkward energy if you just let your feelings slide. Although the conversation may be uncomfortable at first, it’s still better to talk about your uneasiness before it gets worse. Honesty is the best policy.

Aquarius Horoscope

(Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Whatever feelings you might try to hide today, the current situation is actually your own doing. Harboring resentment about someone at work could provoke you to lose your temper if you don’t say what’s on your mind. Thankfully, you may receive more support than you expect. Don’t isolate yourself from others now; lean on your family and friends to help you process your emotions so you can get on with manifesting your dreams.

Pisces Horoscope

(Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You are learning to find your emotional footing on ground that isn’t as stable as it once was. Nevertheless, your spiritual foundation is stronger than ever, inspiring you to express your newly discovered confidence. However, your bravado may set up a competitive dynamic now if others are threatened by your apparent success. Keep your optimism to yourself today; softening your stance to the world can gently relieve tensions before they reach a point of no return. Moderation helps you create your own destiny.

Source : Rick Levine

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DAY 3033

Jalsa, Mumbai                  July 20/21,  2016                  Wed/Thu  12:33 am



Birthday - EF - Sunanda Pandey/Amira, Egypt

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Sunanda .. Amira .. wishing you the best of days .. just a simple wish for the happiness of all and the desire and will to be in the best always .. from your Ef 



‘Rang’ plays on the multi facetted walls and the spirit of the body enhanced by its rhythms moves to higher degrees of effort .. and with the ease of a feather .. there is interjection from near and dear and the results are encouraging .. meets after the efforts of the nasium bring smiles of some positivity and progress .. the hearings in the creative fields seem to be bringing effective results .. a film later, gives opportunity to be with the fraternity and interact with some of the generation that rules today .. we live at a time when the talent of today is superior and so effective and pronounced in their work .. admiration is not enough for them ..

As you drive back you reminisce the days and locations of the early days .. the spots where today large and ominous looking structures occupy the regions where once there was nature and soft settings and the quietude so desired .. and more shall happen and come as time goes by .. we have kept our greens secure and never did cross our minds to break and build bigger and greatly more fanciful .. during my time it shall not happen .. what the next generation does is there desire and will ..

SD Burman .. the maestro, the everlasting voice from heaven, Lata ji, Hrishi da who defied the system and made his own path breaking films , Majrooh Sultanpuri lyricist of eminence ..

What music for ‘Abhimaan’ .. !! Those days of spending time with Burman da in his apartment in a building called ‘JET’ on the market of the road known as Link road .. Bandra, Khar, Juhu ..etc on its way .. he would sing the tunes and his wife would be beside him as a voice of approval .. divine the moments .. divine the tunes that live till today .. divine his sense of perfection .. and the unique voice quality that he had .. a folksy dry emotive, broken .. but effortless in its execution and the lilt of its rendition never heard before … his eternal number ‘sun mere bandhu re ..’ everlasting … the melancholic chant almost of a generation ..

At the recordings of the songs in the studio, he was a man possessed .. no disturbance by anyone .. the silence .. his concentration with one ear covered by one hand of his .. his immediate reaction to a wrong note either by musician or singer .. no admonition .. just a soft gentle word of correction .. those days .. of large recording studios, and a 100 musicians and playing live to the singing simultaneously and getting it right .. how ever did they do it .. i know it because i had the good fortune to be present in most such moments .. and when you look now at the recordings .. its a wonder how the earlier artists ever did manage .. 

Now its a small little room in someone’s 1BHK, just about enough room for 2 people .. and a computer .. that is it .. a microphone appears from nowhere and I sit in that room and deliver .. minutes later voices are put through auto tuners ..and other instruments pre recorded and stored in files are added on through the comp .. at times the track, rough in nature, is mailed immediately to Los Angeles or New York, to friendly musicians, or those who work on contracted conditions and they fill in the orchestration of the song .. and within hours it comes back on mail .. ready for delivery after balancing off the music .. once this done the track goes to expert balancers .. they are a separate group or individuals who clean up the track, bring in their own interpretation and sense and the song is ready to be broadcast ..

Fascinating .. 

Its a world you do not wish to leave once inside .. there have been times when we have been at it all night and not know how time passed .. music does this to one .. it does to me .. and as the days pass by the frustration of lack of learning increases … someday I hope I shall get it right .. someday .. !!!

Which brings me to another frustration .. the thought of ending this Blog and leaving … at times I wish I could be here all night … much like those musical nights .. for being in the company of the Ef is musical indeed ..


My love ..

Amitabh Bachchan  

For Whom The Bell Tolls

Submitted by: http://brian-a-navarro.tumblr.com/

Warily fatigued by the long night in bed, Tommy’s eyelids crept open to only a sliver of sight. Even still, through such a small opening he expected to see something, the glow of the candle from beside the bed, the glimmer of dawn coming in through the window, anything, but the quiet darkness that unnerved him and made him feel trapped.

I can’t move, Tommy realized. An itch rose to the tip of his nose begging to be scratched but sorely could not be, leaving him to wiggle and scrunch his nostrils in an effort to ease the annoyance.

His heart gradually thumped a little faster in response. His face growing flush with a chilled sweat curdling across his forehead, like gravy cooling in a pan, as a strange and musty darkness overshadowed his listless movements. Unlike most his age, Tommy refrained from giving way to panic, at least for now.

This could just be the aftereffects of the fever … or even the medicine, he started to believe, convinced it was nothing more than a waking dream gone awry. The last thing he seem to recall was his forehead burning hot just before taking the foul, thick as syrup liquid to break the fever, accompanied intensely by a sour look from both his mother and the doctor before falling asleep.

On waking a drowsiness from the medicine lingered, even on his taste buds, seemingly unlikely to pass quickly at all he would have guess by the way it stuck to him. Even so, despite its effects clinging to his bones and muscles, feeling did slowly return to his body except now from the neck down a strange numbness permeated and aroused such new found sensations that he was a little bit frightened. But mostly curious.

The first among those growing sensations to rile his senses was the firmness of the surface he rested upon in darkness; his bed had never seemed so bitten, nor rough to his backside that it felt unlikely so. Perhaps the floor then, he warily accepted, unsure of how he got there, but certain enough for the grooves felt like wood from what his hands, resting at his sides like that of a soldier, could gather without moving. His feet, however, would remain quiet on the subject, tucked away in wool and leather, seemingly quite content as things were. All of this made him only more curious. I must have been going out, but where? he deeply wondered.

In the minutes that passed, movement of his lower body followed first, not by much, but enough to scrape his left boot across the floor several times to gather some bearings. Narrow? he quickly questioned after repeatedly hitting a sturdy obstruction with each swipe that in his mind could very likely be the bedpost, solidifying his emerging belief that he’d simply fallen out of bed on his way out.

“Are you sure then?” the boy suddenly heard a woman ask in muffled tones. Is she crying? He continued to listen, waiting for some reply, but only registered a slight of movements from those above him. If only I could see.  “Brother, I—”

“Yes, we’ve been here all night … and not a peep,” replied a man with rough speech. Uncle?

“Or, even a toll,” offered another, this time a high pitched tone from a voice he did not recognize.

Tommy needed to speak up, but found his voice absent, the lips moving well enough, but the words clung to the hollowed cave of his throat with only the smacking of flesh to indicate any attempt on his part.

Then it went quiet above him, and his nerves began to tingle over so many unknowns. The darkness, the voices … everything about his situation for that matter. Yet, his body woke further, and distracted him with fresh colors amidst the darkness, namely an earthy brown above him and around, like a bedspread draped over, yet the shape of it blurred too much to be certain.

Despite how much that might have intrigued him and left him uneasy, it would be his hands that garnered his attention when he suddenly became aware of something coarse was wrapped about his left index finger. If only I could see …

The boy then went to have a look, but quickly met resistance, barely inching up in his first attempt. He meant to try again, only then the voices returned.

“Ok, Samuel, that’s …” the woman began before gasping all a sudden, swallowing the rest of her words in a single breath. Some time later, the woman found the strength to continue and did, timidly.“That’s long enough. Be with God, my son.”

The boy didn’t understand the woman’s meaning. But before he could make heads or tails, the voices drew silent and only their movements, along with the gentle tolling of the bell before being hushed, could be heard. His heart began to beat faster, his breathing growing heavy due to the unknown festering and leaving him desperate to understand. The boy then sharply pushed through the haziness and saw at last a long white string running out of the blackness from above and down the left–hand side.

“No … no.” The sullen words poured out from the boy’s mouth laced with fear, followed quickly by his body heaving upwards, then squirming and wiggling almost instantly afterwards in the obvious tight space of four, brown walls leaking bits of soil drizzling down like rain from above as he slammed his boots against the sides.

“I’ve been buried alive,” he frighteningly knew, which drove him to yank on the string tied to one end of his finger in the hope there was still time, yet it was attached to nothing as the string plopped down onto his trousers, curling up like a snake amidst the bits of soil that followed into his earthen tomb.

Credits to: http://brian-a-navarro.tumblr.com/

On the advice of counsel, Mr. Tsarnaev has not made any statements concerning the substance of the charges against him during visits with his sisters. Rather, on one occasion, as the SAMs restrictions were being explained to one of his sisters, in an effort to put her at ease, Mr. Tsarnaev made a comment that might be characterized as jocular or gently mocking toward the purported security concerns that underlie the SAMs prohibition on repeating his statements to others.
—  Doc 210

It wasn’t often that Emily got headaches. They were few and far between since her early medschool days where the sharp scents of cleaning agents and bodily fluids threatened to make her ill, but they were not nonexistent. 

A medical journal lay beside her on the couch, abandoned when the unpleasant pounding in her temples had begun. She leaned back, fingers pressed to her temples in an effort to ease the ache in her head.

2

April 4, 1980: On the fourth day of a New York transit strike, Mayor  Edward I. Koch made an effort to ease the nightmare of gridlocked traffic (while the nightmare of gridlocked negotiations ground on) with the proposal of a four-day work week of 10-hour days to reduce traffic. The mayor braved rain and cranky commuters to greet pedestrians and cyclists seeking alternate means of getting around the city, and got into a tiff with a man on the Brooklyn Bridge. “The man tried to hand him a leaflet,” The Times reported. “Don’t ever put your hand on me, or I’ll have you arrested,” Mr. Koch said. Photo: Paul Hosefros/The New York Times

✗✗ ℂontinued from here with @mxdam

                                 Lana’s savagery had not been born in the asylum, a monster child conceived by cruel circumstance. She had carried it in her gut for as long as she could remember, dormant and only quietly vicious in the subtlest of ways, shrouded in the softness that had withered with Wendy’s death. And yet, there was perhaps a time when Margarethe’s condescension would have been tolerated, swallowed like oxygen in an effort to ease things along, but there is no room left for passivity between the tooth and claw that now governs an embittered life.

                                “There’s no need to be shrewd. I never said that I loved you.” Her voice is absolutely frigid, but her eyes…her eyes are burning with malice sharp enough to cut the tension lacing itself through the room. “Wipe my lipstick off of your throat before you open your mouth again.” The reporter has never handled humiliation well.

ᵗᵃᵉʸᵃᶰᵍ | i f  y o u... |☼|
                              ♫ Why didn't I know
                         about the weight of sadness
                        that comes with breaking up?

The soft pitter-patter of the rain echoed through the seemingly empty bedroom. Sitting on the bed that lay in disarray, Youngbae watched the stormy clouds with weary eyes. Exhausted from the lack of sleep, he closed them in an effort to ease the pain of the swelling. He could hear boss trotting around the room, probably curious as to why there was more space in various areas now than before.

A heavy sigh broke through the silent atmosphere. There was an underlying pressure that seemed to remain in his chest, continuously making him aware that you were gone.

Keep reading

If you let me

I will leave. No one can stop that. But I do not want to leave while your thoughts are a mess. So before I do, I want to tell you things I will never tell while I am with you. You see, I am more egotistical in person.

Please know that I will try real hard to take good care of myself if it will mean I am taking care of you, too. I will try to avoid unsafe territories and figure out how maps work so I do not have to ask strangers for directions. This is a conscious effort to ease your irrational fear of strangers talking to me. I will jog and I will be so strong I can finally pin you down. I hope their water does not taste weird, the vegetables taste like burgers and the time zone is longer. That means longer sleeping hours for me.

I will take care of you in ways I know how - if you let me. If you want fried rice, daing and dipping sauce for breakfast, I can do that. The only difficult part is preparing the dipping sauce because I have to deal with onions. Onions make people cry. If you want shrimp tamarind soup for lunch, I can do that. All I have to do is call my father and ask for cooking instructions. If you want something different for dinner, I can do that. Let us look for a fancy or sleazy restaurant and you can order whatever you want. I have my sister’s credit card.

Please know that I will think of you every day and that I will do so mostly before I go to sleep. I will re-imagine the way you hold me. Thoughts of you will keep me warm in winter the way your touch does.

Your touch is solace. In a fight or flight situation, I will always choose to run away or to shut people off. That one night when I fell asleep blanketed with assumptions and letdowns, that’s when I woke up. That’s when I reached for my phone. As if a long-established pattern, I called you. Your voice is touch. Your touch is solace. Now, I call you in the middle of the night half dreaming maybe, but always full of love.

Please know that with you, I am a girl I never was - someone who gives a damn because finally, albeit ironically, she can. Damn - when you’re cold and you’re too stubborn to wear your jacket. Damn - when it’s late already and I haven’t heard from you yet. Damn - when you can’t breathe because of your perpetually stuffy nose. Damn - when they took you away from me and pitched you into the wilderness. I have given a lot of damn but my memory fails me now.

Please know that I am scared as shit because I will not see you for a while. Feelings are fickle. Distant hearts are solitary. Distractions are traitors. I am pretending that this does not scare me. When all other pretending patterns fail, “zombies are scarier” usually works.

I love you, old boy. I may not fully understand why the universe, as if in mockery, will break us apart but I will embrace my inadequacy with reckless abandon and blind faith. So when I do, I will be able to tell the universe a story of a beautiful boy who fell in love with a girl whose face has a high probability of being forgotten.