I’m gonna write about Lexi and how we met. Not because anyone asked but more for me to just have it in writing.
So it all started my junior year of high school. Lexi was a sophmore (she is a year younger than me). My XC team and I decided to go and support the women’s volleyball pink game and at the time Lexi played volleyball and was on the team. We sat down and I had no idea really who was on the team and I was just going to hang out with my friends. But soon enough i noticed this girl….she had the biggest smile on and confidence that just eminated from every move she made. I could not take my eyes off her. She was….breathtaking. I asked a couple of my friends who were sitting next to me, “Hey, who is that girl right there?” “Oh thats Lexi, she’s a sophmore.” And at that moment, I knew i had to have her. I fell in love with her the first time i saw her and i couldn’t get my mind off her. I wanted her so badly but i knew i’d probably never talk to her in my life. I even told myself that would probably be one of my biggest regrets is never getting to know her and missing the opportunity to even talk to her once. I didn’t stop thinking about her for awhile after i saw her there, and I told my best friend that it was so sad that i literally fell in love at first sight and I’d probably never ever talk to her in my whole life. I didn’t see her again until my senior year of high school.
It was XC season again and Lexi’s good friend was on XC as well so occasionally she’d be at the meets. It had been almost a year since I had seen her but all the emotions i felt the first time i saw her came rumbling right back. I remember this one time that she showed up and I was in a group of my friends talking and i kept looking over at her and this one time that I did i SWEAR she was looking back at me. I always joke about it with her and she says she has no idea what im talking about lol. Ha but anyways, so we would see each other at meets and then we’d see each other at school because I was friends with her good friend at the time. The first words Lexi ever said to me were “Hey whore!” and i uttered back as fast as my stupid mind could “Hey…slut!” Those are literally the exact words she first said to me. Ever. And if she wouldve turned around after she said it to me she wouldve seen me falling to the ground in pure shock. I kid you not, I literally fell to the ground because i couldn’t even contain the fact that she talked to me. After our first convo we’d say hi in the hallways, I’d always freak out every single time because i couldn’t even handle that she was saying words to me.
Soon we started posting stupid stuff on each other’s fb walls. We realized we walked the same direction in the halls after some of our classes. I was TERRIFIED to walk with her but I would give myself a pep talk right before i was about to see her, I’d tell myself “now you really wanna talk to her ok! Don’t get ashamed and don’t ruin the rest of your life just because you were too scared! It may be weird for a bit, but it’ll be worth it if you get to just see her! you got it!” I found out later she’d lie about where her class was on occasion so she wouldn’t have to walk with me because she would be so scared and nervous. After we’d part ways, I had my friend one time feel my heart beat. His eyes got so big in shock. I don’t think it had ever beat so fast in my whole life. Every time I saw her i couldn’t breathe and I would get so sweaty and my heart would beat so hard and i thought it was going to pop right out of my chest and i felt like i was going to pass out. Every time i saw her I knew more and more that she was the one i was supposed to end up with. There was nothing before her and nothing after her, she made life exciting again, I lived for those 30 seconds in the hallway to see her, to talk to her and to see her smile and her beauty and aura stuck with me the rest of the day. I was in love with someone i barely knew, but deep down in my soul I knew that she was it. she was it. I never had to look anymore because she was the one i pictured across from me on my wedding day. She was the one i wanted to wake up to. We talked more and more, and I told her that I liked her. She told me she liked me too. Soon after that, we started dating. And we dated for a very long time. And it was beautiful and i wouldn’t trade what me and her had for anything. I was in love with her every step of the way, I fell deeper and deeper for her with every second she laughed and every smile she let me see.But it wasn’t all perfect. What i saw for my future didn’t stop reality from happening. We have both made mistakes and promises and we tried to fix it and now we are no longer together and haven’t been for awhile. I miss her terribly. I miss her so so terribly. I see her and spend time with her but it isn’t the same as it once was. We both know that. And we’re both trying to move on. This is the story behind lexi. I hope that this isn’t the end, but who knows.
October 3rd, 2010. This was the day after homecoming. In the very early hours of that morning, I gazed at Lexi, half intoxicated, and said, “Now i know i might be drunk, but will you go out with me?” And it wasn’t in the way i wanted to do it at all, but i couldn’t wait any longer, she needed to be mine right then. I just wanted her to be all mine and i thought if i waited any longer she might just slip right through my hands. I wasn’t good enough to even be around her let alone date her. So before the sun rose on a new day where she would realize i was one crazy crazy girl, i asked her out. and she said yes. and i kissed her like she was going to leave me right then. Like she would never come back after that morning.
That day, my jaw hurt from smiling so much. This was real. This girl who i had randomly seen and fallen for a year ago (and she had no idea) was finally…. mine. This picture is one of probably a zillion that i took of her. I wanted to capture her forever, i wanted to hold onto that feeling and that moment. Ha i can remember how annoyed she got because i kept taking pictures of her. She would tell me to stop but i just couldn’t. I needed to hold onto the moment i knew would be over soon.
A year before i met her, I saw her at a volleyball game. I knew i had seen the most beautiful human being that I would ever see in my lifetime but would probably never, ever, talk to. Ever hear that saying “You’ll know when ya know” ?? Well….i knew. It just hit me. This was it. This is her. This is it. I don’t know if i ever told her this, but I made a promise to myself that day that if she ever came into my life and we ever had a shot to be together, no matter who i was with at the time, what was going on, I would drop everything for one chance with her. I remembered that promise to myself the day i finally got to meet her. And I’m so happy that i kept it. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think of her.
And looking at old pictures of us reminds me of how happy i was with her, how i felt so alive and invincible and i thought everything was perfect. i couldn’t be knocked off the cloud i was on.
And looking at old pictures of us reminds me of how i broke it all. How i ripped us apart and it is all my fault that we aren’t together any more. She did nothing wrong, and I can still hear the pain in her voice the day i killed our future. She couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it too. I couldn’t believe anything I’d done. To this day I wonder why I felt how i did but still hurt her the way i could. And today is especially one of those days where I question everything i’ve done, all the choices i’ve made that have hurt her. I made this post because I love her. I made this post because it would’ve been three years today.
But today is no longer an anniversary - its just a regular day.