i just don’t get why no one……. is worried…… about…… aaron…… like his husband cheated on him and the whole village knows and his mum is away so why aren’t paddy and cain or marlon or lisa or any dingle stepping in to be like aaron love do u need a hug
ok so this is about eddie kasprak and ocd. i said i’d do this and it’s definitely a mess but it’s important to me, though i don’t talk about this stuff v often or usually write things like this but. hope it feels true to some of you idk idk (and uuuh warning for some gore-like description? talk of sickness in relation to sexuality?? all those fun intrusive thoughts things) (and @eddierichietozier you wanted to be tagged 💖)
so eddie is brought up thinking he’s sick, being told he’s sick, and a lot of his intrusive thoughts get caught on that, some inherent wrongness inside him. and even when he finds out his illness isn’t real, he kind of thinks he knows the Truth, and that is that he’s rotting inside
he uses his inhaler for a long time even after finding out it doesn’t do anything, because it’s so much a part of feeling safe for him, a touchstone, and he imagines he can feel it burning up all the bad parts of him, running through his blood, cleaning him out
he always feels like if he ever described his intrusive thoughts to anyone they’d never speak to him again, feels like he’s filling up with it and he’ll overflow soon and spill everything and all his friends will disappear
he has routines he imagines stop this happening. his inhaler and the zip on his fanny pack and the laces on his shoes (he ties them three times because the third knot is the safest)
waking up to check the time over and over every night, to count how many hours/minutes/seconds he still has left to sleep before he needs to get up for school. not being able to sleep again if it feels wrong, waking up again and counting waking up again and counting waking up again
listening to single songs over and over again, not being able to stop until he hits a number that feels true, getting distracted and forgetting his count, stopping the tape, taking it out of the player, flipping it over in his hands like that resets it, putting it back in, starting again
making spaces he has complete control over, his bedroom and the way it looks, not necessarily tidy, but exactly how it should be, so that coming back to it after being outside all day is a relief. his locker at school, it looks kind of chaotic to other people but it makes total sense to him
getting confused about whether his sexuality is real, whether he really likes boys or that’s just a part of the mess in his head because he thinks about sex a lot, but in an awful way, in a terrible awful sick-making way, and he knows those things aren’t what he wants, so maybe being gay is the same
getting older, not using his inhaler anymore really, but not throwing it away, keeping it in a shoe box with a bunch of other things his mother told him he needed, bottles of pills he can’t throw away either, prescriptions he keeps getting filled even though he doesn’t use the pills anymore, just keeps the full bottles
kissing richie and then feeling intensely guilty about it and then avoiding him because what if it’s all fake, what if he’s just stringing him along because he’s confused about what’s real
being obsessed in general about the idea that there is some true thing, above everything else, some real answer that he’ll get to if he does certain things. he gets his inhaler out of his shoe box thinking that if he uses it before he kisses richie again he’ll be cleared of all the bad shit and only the truth will be left
so he does this, he goes over to richie’s and he uses his inhaler and richie is like ‘wow flashback eds your mum spinning you some bullshit again?’ and eddie is like ‘be quiet, kiss me’ and richie is glad to of course and then eddie sort of hums v intensely and is like ‘ok im pretty sure i really truly wanna kiss you’ and richie is like ‘well… i should hope so ???’
feeling like he can’t breathe when he steps off the curb because every single time he thinks about walking into traffic. he wonders how fast a car would have to be going to kill a person, what kind of injuries he might get if it wasn’t going fast enough, the way it would look if he wasn’t killed, spread across the road but still breathing, no one noticing
refusing to jaywalk because of this, getting lowkey hysterical one day when richie innocently tries to get him to cross the road w him at a point where there isn’t a pedestrian crossing, being unable to articulate why when richie is confused by it, like ‘but you ride your bike on the road all the time?’ eddie just saying over and over again “it’s different i can’t i can’t i can’t’, tapping a count across the back of his knuckles with his other hand, tugging at three pieces of his hair three times
richie calming him down, letting him do his counts before he holds his hand, going with him back to his house, sitting with him on his bed, listening to the frantic fall-over way eddie tries to explain himself, it’s not that i think it’s really going to happen but what if it does? what if it happens and i hurt someone, i hurt you, and i knew the way to stop it the whole time but i didn’t do it and richie is like ‘we already saved the world eds an it was all of us not just you lemme help’
the others doing research for him, ben and mike and stan in the library going through the dsm and whatever other books they can find. bev and richie and bill roaming around town going to psychologists and psychiatrists and collecting pamphlets and shit. richie getting super intense about it, even talking to eddie’s mother about getting him a new doctor, not letting her fuck him around again
eddie getting diagnosed and prescribed meds but getting really weird about it because it’s sort of confirmation that he’s sick, sort of confirmation that he was right all along about being all fucked up inside. his mother put him on medication too. richie helping him with this because richie is on meds for adhd and obviously that’s not the same thing but it helps eddie to trust his new doctor
eddie and stan going on whole tirades because people tease stan about being ocd because he’s meticulous, clean, and that’s not what that means asshole come here so i can explain some shit to you stan get the folder
richie being like ‘ok i got a new ritual for you, kiss me three times’ an eddie like ‘i’ll kick your ass three times get out of my house’ kissing him way more than three times anyway because kissing richie is easy and he knows it has nothing to do with having ocd or thinking terrible things sometimes or the way his rituals seem arbitrary to other people but feel comfortable to him
richie wanting him to flush all the pills he’s hoarded and eddie being like ‘tf no im taking them back to the pharmacy they’ll be useful for someone else’ keeping his inhaler though, not using it, just keeping it
just. fuck. my boy eddie. figuring out ways he can exist that are comfortable, that are smooth and clear and easy and make him feel less like he’s flying apart at the seams.
Has Ed's mum Imogen passed away? Wondering in relation to Supermarket Flowers. Thanks!
Oh no, Ed’s mother is alive and well. That song was written from her point of view about her own mother passing, so the line “You were an angel in the shape of my mum” actually refers to Ed’s grandmother. This is also why he says “John” to refer to his dad (rather than calling him dad).
Afire Love and Nancy Mulligan are songs for Ed’s grandparents on his dad’s side, and Supermarket Flowers is about his grandmother on his mom’s side. I think it’s really cool of him to honor his grandparents (and his parents) like that.
My mom can’t even talk about this song without choking up. She tried to tell me her favorite line and she had to pause for a while first, but then when she actually said the line, she burst into tears. She said she doesn’t know how Ed’s mother would ever be able to listen to it without crying, because she can’t even think about it without tearing up.
so i found out about cyclic vomiting syndrome for the first time the other day
it… fits what i go through to the t; starts between 3-7 years of age (mine started at 6), involves strangely regular periods of constant nausea and vomiting lasting days to months (check… mine is Very regular in a few different ways, which is useful really bc i’ve gotten very good at predicting exactly when i can eat), and has no actual detectable trigger - i’ve been tested for everything under the sun that could cause all this - anxiety is definitely a Thing that causes the vomiting, but it doesn’t explain it entirely. between episodes i’m still hella anxious but i’m not throwing up multiple times a day - anxiety makes it worse but isn’t an explainable cause.
unfortunately an underlying cause for cvs hasn’t been found yet, but it’s nice to know that this is a thing that others go through. it’s easy enough to deal with - nice that it’s regular, at least.
anyway i made this post to complain about the fact that my recent episode ended and now i’m eating again and have suddenly gone up a bra size and need to buy more bras, which is fuckin annoying bc i bought new bras like 3 months ago bc the episode had started and i’d lost weight and needed smaller ones. guess i’ll just keep 2 sizes around at all times i GUESS
also, semi related: i had coffee with my parents and my mum spent half of it pointing out when someone with good tits walked past i cant believe
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my beautiful birthday queen
I love you so much , and I hope you enjoyed your surprise birthday meal. Eating out is a massive challenge for me but spending time with you is precious.
I am so proud and love you so much.
I literally am in love with how mumsy she is. Her look is so casual and simple, I think she’s going to be a brilliant mum! Also; she’s either going to pop really soon or she’s having twins. What do you think??
Susan halts outside her door and adjusts her robe on her shoulders before cautiously proceeding down the corridor, each footstep seeming to echo as she slinks through the darkened, deserted hall. She can only see faint shadows at the end of the hall where the moon streams through a small window onto the black stones below.
She misses electricity.
As Susan steps down the cold, stone stairs, she shivers after a yawn stretches her jaw fully open; she wishes she could collapse on her bed and fall into blissful sleep, but she can’t. The bed is much softer and the sheets much smoother than her bed in England, and it’s just too unfamiliar for her to be comfortable and so the sweet welcome of dreams remains elusive.
She makes her way steadily down to the main floor of the caste, peering into shadows and darkness as she goes but unable to find another awakened soul. After ducking her head into different chambers, she arrives at the heavy doors guarding the entrance to the main hall, pulls them back with straining muscles, and slips inside the small crack that appears between the doors.