ahhh i love this prompt thank you for submitting it!!!
The smoke that swirls around Hongbin and fills the air on the porch around him. It’s thick and hazy, the burn in his throat distracting him from the slam of the front door. He doesn’t even move from his chair as he hears Jaehwan calling for him in the house. It sounds so distant to him that he’s not really sure it’s real.
The porch door opens with a loud slam, Hongbin startled for a second, looking at the direction of the intrusion. Jaehwan looks beautiful, he always does, no matter if he’s mad or happy, he is just plain beautiful to Hongbin. When he’s mad, he gets a twitch in his brow, a look in his eye that Hongbin had never seen before. Hongbin has tried to convince himself that that’s the reason him Jaehwan fight so much, always starting screaming matches in the middle of the night that wake up all the neighbors.
“Are you going to be out here all night smoking and freezing to death or are you going to come inside?” Jaehwan asks after a moment, anger still evident in his voice but it’s dissipated some. Hongbin takes that as a small win.
Their most recent fight had gotten so out of hand so quickly. It was over something small. Hongbin had asked Jaehwan to pick up some of the candy and snack wrappers that he had scattered all over the floor during one of his gaming sessions. Hongbin thought it was harmless thing to ask, seeing that both of them liked to use the gaming console so it should be kept somewhat clean.
Jaehwan hadn’t seen it that way.
In Jaehwan’s defense, he had been more offended than anything that Hongbin felt like he had to tell Jaehwan to clean up. Hongbin was trying to just keep the house clean. But that didn’t stop Jaehwan from making the snide comment about Hongbin smoking in the bedroom when it was supposed to be their bedroom and how that didn’t seem very clean.
After that, it became their weekly match of who could hurt the other until they left in a fit of rage. This week, Hongbin had been the winner. He sure didn’t feel like one.
“Well I didn’t want to smoke inside. I know how much it disgusts you.” Hongbin says after a minute, taking a long drag from his cigarette.
“Oh no, the cigarettes don’t disgust you right?” He looks a Jaehwan again, finding his lover’s eyes slightly wet. Hongbin knows he can’t blame it on the cold air but he will try. “I disgust you, right?”
“You don’t disgust me.” Jaehwan says, not missing a beat. He’s looking at the ground, like he’s going to find some answers there. “I never said you disgust me. I just meant- just- I don’t know what I meant. You could never disgust me Hongbin, you know that.”
Hongbin hates the way his words catch in his throat, how hard it suddenly becomes to breath. Jaehwan always has a way with words when it comes to apologizing. When he finally puts out his cigarette and stands, Jaehwan still can’t look in the eyes. They both said things they didn’t mean and things that should have gone unsaid but the kiss they share is an unspoken apology between the two of them. It’s closed mouth and Jaehwan tastes the smoke still on Hongbin’s lips and he hates that he loves it.
“I wish I could hate you.” Jaehwan whispers to Hongbin when they are curled close to one another that night. “I wish you hated me.I wish I wasn’t so selfish and I could give you the happiness you deserve.”
“Don’t say things like that.” Hongbin says, voice barely a whisper, like any noise at all will break what they have and they will go back to screaming at each other. “If you hated me, don’t you think this would be a little awkward?”
“Don’t joke when I’m trying to be serious.” Jaehwan says with a small pout on his lips. It’s cute, even though Jaehwan is a few years older than Hongbin. He would tell the whole world how much he hates it when Jaehwan acts cute but he isn’t sure what he would do if Jaehwan really listened and stopped being cute. He wouldn’t be the Jaehwan he loved.
The continuous pouting from Jaehwan gets them both laughing after a few more moment, laughing at the ridiculousness of it, of them, of the fight. When they finally calm down from their laughter, Jaehwan pulls Hongbin closer, chest to chest.
“I love you.” Jaehwan whispers, voice not as steady as it normally is. He put his forehead on Hongbin’s, leaning in close as he continues. “I love you so much Hongbin. Please don’t hate me.I don’t know what I would do if you hated me, please don’t leave, please-”
Hongbin can only nod, promise to stay, promise to love him. They cry with each other, in each other’s arms, holding tight like the other may fly away if they don’t hold tight enough. The viscous cycle was sure to repeat again and Hongbin knew it would, it was always just a matter of when and not if.
They can’t be perfect, they gave that up years ago when Jaehwan dropped out of school to take on jobs that could pay their rent and Hongbin started smoking because he was stressed. Hongbin knows what their friends say behind their back even if they try to hide it. It’s all true and that’s why Hongbin can’t stand to listen it. It hurts him so much some days, and he’s sure it hurts Jaehwan too. But this is them. Hongbin hates to love it.