i’m sorry we’ve fucked up so spectacularly as a species, that millions of years of chance and evolution have been wasted on over seven billion people who are selfish and cruel and too wrapped up in themselves to notice that they’re killing their planet.
i’m sorry that we’re so concerned about hating and killing each other over things supposedly said by gods that don’t even exist that we don’t stop to think about the fact that we’re destroying ourselves, and for what? for the sake of proving that i’m right and you’re wrong?
i’m sorry that we gave you spirit and discovery and curiosity, even though we don’t seem to actually care much about those things. i’m sorry that when someone else finds them somewhere far away, they’ll think our species actually cared about those ideas more than anything else.
i’m sorry that we’ve allowed other things to rule over empathy. i’m sorry that the island i walked on all this week will probably be gone in under thirty years because we’ve ignored climate change for so long that it’s probably too late to stop it. i’m sorry that my grandchildren will read the book about that island and it won’t be there anymore for them to visit and be in awe of. i’m sorry that the park service is fighting a losing battle because no one else will help.
i’m sorry that the shooting star in cassiopeia made me cry tonight because we’ve built our stories into the stars and yet we don’t seem to actually think about them. i’m sorry that we can’t seem to pay attention to you and how much you’ve given to us.
i’m sorry because for all that we’ve achieved, for all that we’ve done, we’re all going to die anyway. we’re going to go extinct, just like everything else, and all those things that we’ve fought and died over won’t matter because we’re destroying ourselves in the long-term.
Alright. I guess you’re ignoring me again now. That’s absolutely fine. I don’t have the energy to care anymore. I won’t be the one to message you first, not when you are the one to leave me on read. I’m through with that. Fuck it. You are who you are. If you want to disappear from my life again, this time I won’t cry over it. This time I’m holding the door wide open for you.
How about I start this out by saying this is going to be a mess sorry.
I just went through this blog reading the stuff I once wrote. It’s strange how everything is different yet I’m still left with some of the same feelings.
I think I am lonelier than ever. I miss the way things use to be and the way people use to treat me. I feel like people use me to get their anger out on because they know I’ll always be around even if I don’t want to be.
My house is so fucking empty. I spent all day in an empty house. Empty. It was once full of a five people. A family. But now it’s just my dad and I. It really bothers me that he’s the only one that’ll always be there because I know that one day he will die and what if he’s the only one I have when it happens? I won’t be able to handle it. I’d have lost the only person who has always been there. If it were to happen before I’m 18, I’d have to leave the only place I know and live with people who I don’t think would ever accept me for me.
You know what I hate, Charlie? Love. I can’t tell people I love them because what if I actually don’t? I don’t understand how people can just throw it around like its nothing. I can type it and send it that way but if you ever want to hear me actually say it good fucking luck. I don’t know why I can’t do it Charlie. Everyone does it with such ease. Another thing I hate about love is that people can love someone who doesn’t love them. People can love things that cause them much harm. Love can do terrible things and I don’t want it to have that power. I hate love.
I was called a star student by a teacher a while back. I feel like this shouldn’t mean much but to me it really bothers me. That teacher doesn’t know how I work myself to the point of extreme tears at times to get my grades or how sometimes I just say “fuck it” and turn in half-assed work. That’s actually a pretty even 50/50 split of how just about every single thing I do for school goes. I care so much yet so little at the same time. Wow what a “star student” I am huh? I hate how scores and grades define me. I hate that I always feel the need to be “advanced” to feel okay about how I’m doing. If I do any less then I consider myself worthless. Why do I do that to myself Charlie? How do I stop?
I have so much I want to type here and get it out but there’s really no point.
Let’s just sum it up as my life is a mess disguised by my good grades and keeping everything bottled up. One day I may explode but I’ll deal with that when it happens.
This is like multiple letter in one sorry but I have a lot on my mind.