edhelmsler

You set yourself up for this one.
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Onagler’s Costco Naughty Fun Time. Ages 13+

Costco was having a sale on toilet paper starting that day~! Toothpaste, canned green beans, and more would also be on sale. Onagler was patiently waiting outside, ready to catch a few bargains. But the store wouldn’t open for another few hours. And he was the only one who had the foresight to get there early, lest they run out of those crucial necessities.

He was sleepy; haven gotten there around midnight, but oh, those sweet, sweet deals would be worth it! All the money he would save! He could practically taste the succulent savings as he firmly clutched the sales brochure. Excitement and adrenaline rose in his body as he thought of the wonderful deals. 

He glanced at his dollar-store watch. A little over two and a half hours remained.

‘Oh drat; I just want those deals so badly!’ he writhed in anticipation. The excitement, lack of sleep, and morning hormones were starting to get to him. Trying to focus on the deals only intensified his adrenaline and the yearning that came naturally. “Dammit!” he swore in a breathy tone; frustrated with his frustration.

He glanced around. There was still no one in sight.

“Well… I suppose it won’t hurt if I uh, 'wait’ in my car for a few minutes….” he reasoned, with a plan on exactly how to occupy his time waiting in the car. 

As he walked to his car, he mentally added paper towels to the list of things he needed to pick up.

Fade to black, the end, etc. 

HOLY SHIT THESE EXIST! I’M SO GONNA JUST REPLACE ALL MY SALT SHAKERS WITH THESE SO I CAN HAVE INSTANT MARSHMALLOWS ON EVERYTHING! AND THEN I’LL LIKELY GET DIABETES. BUT AT LEAST MY SODIUM INTAKE WILL GO DOWN SO THE DOCTOR COULD AT LEAST BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT, RIGHT? BECAUSE HOLY CRAP, MARSHMALLOW SHAKERS! IT’S LIKE I DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN! 

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Not my area either (well, not with men anyway; a woman, on the other hand…), and I know you don’t exactly ooze affection. Hence why I went ahead and made the assumption that it’d be an asexual marriage.

And I’m sure as fuck not marrying Moriarty. I may be weird and goofy, but I’m not stupid and insane.