I still have to eat. Even if I don’t burn any calories through exercise my body still needs calories. If I sit on my ass all day, I STILL need to eat. My brain, my heart, my lungs, they need energy in the form of glucose from food. Just because I didn’t work out doesn’t mean I can skip out on food. I will not get fat from this because I am still not eating to my bmr. Exercise is earned by eating enough, not the other way around, and I have not earned exercise lately.
Three months ago, before I left treatment, I made this crayon melt. My treatment center, Renfrew, hung it up on the wall. I didn’t think much of it because they’re constantly hanging things up and taking them down. Yesterday I went back for an alumni reunion, and my crayon melt was still hanging up for all to see. My therapist said someone new compliments it almost every day. I’m so proud that my art can be a source of inspiration for girls who are struggling. It’s very empowering knowing that even though I completed my Renfrew treatment, a part of me will stay there and continue to help girls like me.
I do not think that injuring yourself or sinking deeply into anorexia or bulimia or food compulsion is a conscious choice. But recovery is. It requires pulling yourself forward in the right direction again and again and again. The pull to protect yourself, escape the pain, and release it on yourself has a power all its own. Your task is to uncover what gets in the way of your being able and willing to get relief without hurting yourself.
“challenge snacks” in treatment always pissed me off (if you label a cinnamon roll as a challenge, you’re telling people they should be afraid of it. UGH.) so i spent a lot of time making up my own. one time there was a spider on the window of the dining room and i said i’d give $5 to anyone who ate it. the therapist sitting with us was thoroughly unamused.