ed-treatment

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Body Karma Healing - Julie Norman RD - ConnectED
Body Karma Healing is a yoga-based program that sets women free from body image and eating issues. Creator Julie Norman worked for 16 years as a registered dietitian and yoga teacher in eating disorder treatment programs. She offers private coaching, e-resources, workshops and retreats. See website for more information.
Even if I never exercise again

I still have to eat. Even if I don’t burn any calories through exercise my body still needs calories. If I sit on my ass all day, I STILL need to eat. My brain, my heart, my lungs, they need energy in the form of glucose from food. Just because I didn’t work out doesn’t mean I can skip out on food. I will not get fat from this because I am still not eating to my bmr. Exercise is earned by eating enough, not the other way around, and I have not earned exercise lately.

On Hiatus

Hello, everyone.

I have been in the hospital since August 3. I started off in a hospital for medical stabilization, and then I was transferred to an inpatient eating disorder unit that is more long-term and offers increasing freedoms as I progress (including internet access!).

I am FINALLY on my way to healing from anorexia. It’s very, very hard work but I’m getting good treatment and I’m doing my best every day.

I will not be posting often. I will try to post here and there, as my energy/time allows. I will be leaving inpatient treatment in about eight weeks.

Stay with me. I have been making lots of art that I will post when the time comes! xox

2

Three months ago, before I left treatment, I made this crayon melt. My treatment center, Renfrew, hung it up on the wall. I didn’t think much of it because they’re constantly hanging things up and taking them down. Yesterday I went back for an alumni reunion, and my crayon melt was still hanging up for all to see. My therapist said someone new compliments it almost every day. I’m so proud that my art can be a source of inspiration for girls who are struggling. It’s very empowering knowing that even though I completed my Renfrew treatment, a part of me will stay there and continue to help girls like me.

So I’ve been struggling a lot lately with this idea that I should be fixed and happy and all better now that I’ve discharged from treatment, even though I still feel kind of shitty internally. My therapist and I talked about it and she said when you’re deep in your eating disorder you’re basically “on fire” and that’s why you need to be in intensive care - to help put out the fire. I was scared that stepping down meant that I was “okay” now, even though I’m still battling a lot mentally and emotionally. What she reminded me is that stepping down & managing symptoms better doesn’t mean you’re healed or all better or that you have to feel happy, it just means you’re not on fire anymore. I like that way of looking at it because it helps keep the sick part of my brain in check. In the past I would have started using the ED just to prove that I wasn’t okay. What I’ve been telling myself lately has been really helpful: just because I’m not using the eating disorder doesn’t mean that I am okay, it just means I’m not on fire anymore. 

I do not think that injuring yourself or sinking deeply into anorexia or bulimia or food compulsion is a conscious choice. But recovery is. It requires pulling yourself forward in the right direction again and again and again. The pull to protect yourself, escape the pain, and release it on yourself has a power all its own. Your task is to uncover what gets in the way of your being able and willing to get relief without hurting yourself.

- See more at: http://www.jennischaefer.com/blog/overcoming-adversity/eating-disorders-self-injury-trauma/#sthash.TnYQu307.dpuf

—  This really speaks to me. Developing the disorder is not a conscious choice but recovery is. You must make this choice everyday, every moment, even when you are being pulled in so many directions.

“challenge snacks” in treatment always pissed me off (if you label a cinnamon roll as a challenge, you’re telling people they should be afraid of it. UGH.) so i spent a lot of time making up my own. one time there was a spider on the window of the dining room and i said i’d give $5 to anyone who ate it. the therapist sitting with us was thoroughly unamused. 

Doing the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
I am slowly and painfully getting my life back. I own up to all of the choices that I’ve made. Deciding to take treatment seriously. Purging. Self harming. Being meal compliant. Using skills. Running away. Doing drugs. Turning in self harm tools. Getting a feeding tube. Punching walls. Talking. Feeling emotions.
I am the only one who made myself do those things. The good and the bad.
Every minute is a fight inside my brain and body and I’m still trying to break those walls down despite how nasty it has gotten.
I feel miserable on the inside AND… I can still do this.

Treatment Update

So after getting kicked out of the Intensive Outpatient Program I had been in essentially to be forced into Inpatient, I refused and decided to try my best to do recovery on my own

Well my parents were not okay with that but seeing as I am 21 and they can’t technically force me into a facility they said they’d support my decision to do it on my own HOWEVER I’d have to still meet with a therapist weekly and be monitored by doctors on a regular basis to make sure I am okay.

Fortunately, I have an incredible family who is nothing but supportive and my mom found a therapist who is also supportive in the idea that recovery has to be something I choose and do on my own, but she has the tools that can help me.

Basically I will be meeting with her once a week but on my own time I have a workbook I will be doing.
The workbook basically focuses on me diving into my past, figuring out what things in my life defined me and made me who I am today, and in turn redefining who I want to be…which would be a happy healthy individual free from my eating disorder.

So on my own I will be doing the soul searching and once a week I will be meeting to talk about it. I’m really eager to see how this goes because I to believe that I am the only one who can help myself. So having the freedom to do this on my own is what I’ve wanted all along. Now of course I’ll be going to the doctors frequently and such but in the end I do feel this may be the better option.

If this doesn’t work out though I will most likely be forced into inpatient and I reaaaaaally do not want that. My parents are respecting my decision to try and get better by my own terms but they also don’t want to see me continuing to hurt myself and if it comes to inpatient again then they are completely for it.

I just believe that inpatient would cause me to be triggered even more and relapse upon release. And in the end I have to choose to get better.

I really just want my treatment to be a positive soul searching and enlightening thing rather than a negative triggering hospital environment.

So we will see how this works out!


…also on top of regular doctor visits and weekly therapy I will be getting an unlimited yoga membership to use a means of mediation. I won’t be doing hard yoga classes because at this time is am much to weak for that but I will be planning on attending a lot of light classes to keep me busy and my mind at ease so that will be nice too.

If you read this whole thing of rambles you are incredible and I am sending positive vibes your way 😘🌺💕