Three months ago, before I left treatment, I made this crayon melt. My treatment center, Renfrew, hung it up on the wall. I didn’t think much of it because they’re constantly hanging things up and taking them down. Yesterday I went back for an alumni reunion, and my crayon melt was still hanging up for all to see. My therapist said someone new compliments it almost every day. I’m so proud that my art can be a source of inspiration for girls who are struggling. It’s very empowering knowing that even though I completed my Renfrew treatment, a part of me will stay there and continue to help girls like me.
So after getting kicked out of the Intensive Outpatient Program I had been in essentially to be forced into Inpatient, I refused and decided to try my best to do recovery on my own
Well my parents were not okay with that but seeing as I am 21 and they can’t technically force me into a facility they said they’d support my decision to do it on my own HOWEVER I’d have to still meet with a therapist weekly and be monitored by doctors on a regular basis to make sure I am okay.
Fortunately, I have an incredible family who is nothing but supportive and my mom found a therapist who is also supportive in the idea that recovery has to be something I choose and do on my own, but she has the tools that can help me.
Basically I will be meeting with her once a week but on my own time I have a workbook I will be doing.
The workbook basically focuses on me diving into my past, figuring out what things in my life defined me and made me who I am today, and in turn redefining who I want to be…which would be a happy healthy individual free from my eating disorder.
So on my own I will be doing the soul searching and once a week I will be meeting to talk about it. I’m really eager to see how this goes because I to believe that I am the only one who can help myself. So having the freedom to do this on my own is what I’ve wanted all along. Now of course I’ll be going to the doctors frequently and such but in the end I do feel this may be the better option.
If this doesn’t work out though I will most likely be forced into inpatient and I reaaaaaally do not want that. My parents are respecting my decision to try and get better by my own terms but they also don’t want to see me continuing to hurt myself and if it comes to inpatient again then they are completely for it.
I just believe that inpatient would cause me to be triggered even more and relapse upon release. And in the end I have to choose to get better.
I really just want my treatment to be a positive soul searching and enlightening thing rather than a negative triggering hospital environment.
So we will see how this works out!
…also on top of regular doctor visits and weekly therapy I will be getting an unlimited yoga membership to use a means of mediation. I won’t be doing hard yoga classes because at this time is am much to weak for that but I will be planning on attending a lot of light classes to keep me busy and my mind at ease so that will be nice too.
If you read this whole thing of rambles you are incredible and I am sending positive vibes your way 😘🌺💕
Doing the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
I am slowly and painfully getting my life back. I own up to all of the choices that I’ve made. Deciding to take treatment seriously. Purging. Self harming. Being meal compliant. Using skills. Running away. Doing drugs. Turning in self harm tools. Getting a feeding tube. Punching walls. Talking. Feeling emotions.
I am the only one who made myself do those things. The good and the bad.
Every minute is a fight inside my brain and body and I’m still trying to break those walls down despite how nasty it has gotten.
I feel miserable on the inside AND… I can still do this.
i discharged from edce the first time a year ago today. it kind of feels like the anniversary of me giving up. when i was in day treatment last summer, i never really committed. i used behaviors outside of treatment and never actually made an effort to stop. but for the 20-30 hours a week i was at edce, i was dedicated to the idea of recovery. i never had a refusal. i powered through “challenge snacks” and meal outings. because it’s not that hard for me to eat when someone else sticks it in front of me, when it isn’t my CHOICE to eat. but then i’d go home and i was in charge and i made very poor choices. tomorrow will be the anniversary of my “relapse.” and by that, i mean when i decided “fuck it, treatment didn’t work. guess the eating disorder is here to stay.” it was almost exactly 18 weeks from that day when i admitted to rainrock. this time i meant it. that last relapse destroyed me. i landed in the hospital twice because i became suicidal over food. i lost everything. i lost my job. i lost jamie’s respect. i lost my relationship with nia. i lost my shot at going back to school in the spring. i lost the ability to think about anything other than numbers. i threw away everything because i thought the eating disorder was all i had. it took 18 of the longest weeks of my life to get me to a point where i wanted to recover.
my three months at edce last summer weren’t worthless. i got A LOT out of it. i learned a lot. i connected with a therapist who ultimately saved my life. i think i needed to half-ass it again (i did something similar back in 2009) before i could do recovery for real. and that glorious relapse last fall. well, it was necessary. i learned a lot about what my eating disorder does for me, why i’ve felt the need to hold onto it for so long. also i hit a rock bottom so low that no one could deny that i was sick enough for treatment. i think i needed to know how low i could go. how bad i could get. now i know i can’t try to hold onto parts of the eating disorder. i have to give it up completely. so far, i’ve dedicated all of 2015 to recovery. even since discharging from treatment, i’ve made recovery my #1 focus. it has to be like this for a while. i’m fucking sick of working on the eating disorder all the time, but i’m more sick of having the eating disorder to begin with.
the past year has seen me reach the lowest of the low and now the furthest i’ve ever come in recovery. it feels like so much longer. i don’t even recognize the person i was on august 23, 2014. and that feels really fucking good.
in response to the anon asking for pictures from treatment! these were taken at the end of my stay at RLP with my closest friends in the center after a long day of therapy and tears (there were always tears)
there’s also a picture of the house i stayed in :)))
i included the last picture as an example of the process of recovery. it’s a silly photo of my best friend from remuda, who came into the program shy, softspoken, and terrified of recovery - that timid girl blossomed into one of the funniest, warm-hearted, head-strong people i’ve ever met. i like this picture, because it reminds me of the transformation she went through; how far she came. i can confidently say she’s still doing well to this day
I’m remembering that time that we got redirected at dinner by staff for talking about the story of “The Princess and the Pea” because it had the word “pea” in the title, and was therefore “food talk” and forbidden. We sat in silence for the rest of the meal. After all the real shit that they never redirected…
5 months to the day after admitting to rainrock, i graduated from treatment completely :)
and nicole took me out for burgers on monte nido’s dime because she knew that today’s lunch in program was one that i hate (and she hates it too) and also she knew i’d appreciate not having to sit at that damn table again :)
So I can’t go to proper groups until I stabilize, not allowed to go on the outings, being shepherded back and forth like a mindless sheep, feeling so stuck and suffocated and trapped and I’m so far away from home. Do you know how long it will take for me to dig a tunnel out of here to New York?!
I’m feeling simultaneously so motivated to just be in recovery NOW and be a human again and not a walking pin-cushion/sheep/patient/object to observe, and also so tired, and so frustrated with the slow-motion of the recovery process here that I just want to give up.
I’m supposed to be learning to “rest” and how to “let my body heal” and how to “slow down”, all of which I HATE. But I’m realizing that they are just as much a part of my recovery process as all the other parts.
Therapist: “So what have you been doing over the past week with all the free time?” Me: “Well, couponing for food, buying food, making food, eating food, and Tumbl'n” Therapist: Tumbling? You do that too? I thought you said the only exercise you are doing is running/walking? Me: *confused for like 10 minutes* OMG NO…I mean Tumblr, as in blogging, as in don’t-leave-my-bed type Tumbling.