My boobs didn’t fit the bathing suit top and I’m breaking the horizontal stripes rule but I felt hella curvy and hot in this so I took a picture while I was trying it on yay recovery yay body positivity

I feel like I'm living a double life

Michael doesn’t know about my ED. He knows that I’m in appointments and I’m at the clinic five days a week but he doesn’t know what it’s for and he tells me that I can open up when I’m ready.

When I’m with him I try to be normal and I feel normal for those times. I eat what he eats and play it off like I don’t care and most times I don’t purge. But when he leaves (he’s usually here on weekends) I’m left with this beyond heavy emotional guilt and physical hate for eating and being essentially normal.

He’ll make comments like “I’m so glad you like to eat, some girls are super picky” or “I love that you have such an appetite” just little things like that but he has no idea that I’m secretly dying inside and trying to figure out if I’ll be able to purge.

I don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to tell him. I don’t know if he’ll understand the depth of these disorders and how they’re so much more than about appearance. And I want to tell him before its so long into the relationship that it’s even harder to be honest about it but I’m so scared and my first instinct is to just cut it off and break up but I know that is not a healthy choice either but I just don’t know what to do.

for the first time in months I was able to wear sneakers without slipping up and going for a run. I was able to wear my sneakers and take a walk in the fresh air BY MYSELF without being destructive. it was amazing. recovery has allowed me to truly appreciate the small things which I used to take for granted so easily. I deserve to be proud and you bet that I am damn well proud of myself.

anonymous asked:

Do you do intuitive eating?

Yes and no.

Intuitive eating is defined as eating when you are hungry and stopping when you are full, correct?

Well, I certainly will eat if I am hungry, and I usually stop when I am satisfied.

But sometimes I’ll eat because the cherries my dad brought home look really yummy 
or because I just tried out a new muffin recipe and I want to see how they taste or because it’s been a long day and a bowl of frozen yogurt sounds delicious. 

So, no. I don’t always wait until I experience physiological hunger before I eat. Food is fuel, yes. But it’s also pretty enjoyable and that’s a valid enough reason to allow yourself to eat.


Felt kinda surprisingly like, good today after my run. I forgot how much I loved the feeling of accomplishing so much before 10 am! Had to have a post run bagel, then did some yoga and pretended to have an upper body! Idk. Days like this I just have to record and look back on when I need something to pick me up!!

Oh my gosh, I am so tired. It is my little sister’s birthday today and so I had church all morning, cake and presents after lunch, and then we went to SkyZone for an hour which was a lot more tiring than I anticipated. I am a lot better physically but clearly not THAT much better so as to to jump for an hour, lol!
It was kinda rough at church because one of the ladies, as always, commented on my weight….it was a “positive” comment (I know I am being vague here but I don’t want to trigger) but the implications just activated a lot of shame feelings in me. I wish people wouldn’t talk about my weight. At all.
Today I am grateful for:

Worshipping with my church family at home

Legs that propel me and absorb shock!

My sister’s 18 years of life

Getting to see some of my friends that I hadn’t seen since May.

Warm soup on a very rainy Louisiana day.


feeling confident and sassy in my new bathing suit bottoms that fit perfectly! I ordered them online from a WOMEN’S store because I am a WOMEN who actually has a butt and hips. the website is called swimsuitsforall if anyone wanted to know~they sell sizes from 6 to plus and fit amazingly 😊


When I was 16 years old, my dad told me that “I was looking awfully thin.”
My doctor showed me charts signifying healthy weights for people of my height and explained that I was not on it.
My mom told me that my skin was very yellow and she was “concerned.”
My softball coach asked if I’d lost weight since the previous season, and I told him he was being “mean.”
I told myself that I was undeserving.
When I turned 17, my doctor explained that my yellow skin, discoloration on the back of my legs, and loss of a menstruation cycle were due to weight loss.
My volleyball coaches and doctor threatened to make me quit the team if I didn’t show improvement.
My coach saw the bruises on my hip bones and said that she used to bruise easily, too, when she was “skinny.”
My grandma said that I could “definitely afford to gain a few pounds.”
My sister told me she could “probably make a fist around my leg.”
I told myself that I needed to lose weight.
Now, at 18, my dad asks me to help him carry the soil to his garden, because I’m the “strong one around here.”
My grandma says that she is “so impressed” with my ability to work out as hard as I do.
My sister comes to me for health advice.
My gym instructor says that my progress is admirable and my legs are looking really “strong.”
I tell myself that I’m enough.

I no longer wake up, weigh myself, and determine whether or not I will be eating breakfast. I no longer have fights with my mom over eating carrots for every meal. I no longer cry after eating ‘too much’ pineapple. I no longer come home from a bike ride and fall to the floor, too light headed to see. I no longer do 30 situps everytime I use the restroom. I no longer run the treadmill until the ‘calories burned’ matches the amount in my dinner.

Not everyday is perfect and sometimes my mind still tries to fight me. The difference is, I now fight back.

Be your own warrior. - oatsnjen

How To Love Yourself

There is no definitive way to learn to love yourself. There is no plan containing steps that you meticulously follow, with self love and confidence promised after 21 days. Self love results from the most minuscule actions: acknowledging that you look good, unfollowing that girl who’s “perfection” and causes mentally exhausting comparison, or eating a salad followed by a huge cookie because it’s what you’re craving. Stop apologizing for your appearance, accept the fact that who you are, not what you look like, defines you. 

You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to have a voice. You are allowed to say that you look good and post that selfie. Do not shrink yourself for others’ insecurities. Confidence is not the same as conceitedness, and do not let people threatened by the fact that you are comfortable in your skin lace your journey to self love with cries of vanity and narcissism. 

Remember that not every day will be sunshine and smiles. You will have days where you loathe every inch of you, but on those days you will tackle the world anyways because you have flaws but those flaws are what make you beautiful, even though society has told you that your imperfections are there to be fixed.

Self love is not something that you accomplish and never think about again. You have to choose every day to love yourself. It may seem like an impossible choice, and it may seem like this world is against you. But be radical, take the leap, and watch your life change, in both the biggest and smallest of ways.