So I almost didn’t realize it till now, but today marks 8 months. 8 months since I made a crazy decision to take my life back. Since losing 134 pounds. I wish I had some awesome/positive line to inspire, but I’m at a loss for words. Still growing into this new body and working like hell to change my mentality. One day at a time

This whole ‘recovery thing’ is so confusing. It’s like I’m learning how to swim but the only way to learn is to throw myself into the water and start drowning. To get over my anxiety is to feel it and I find myself running towards what’s safe (my eating disorder). You see recovery isn’t safe–it’s scary but that’s okay because at least I’m feeling something. At least I’m learning how to swim even if I feel like I’m drowning.
—  recovery is drowning but that’s okay

Newest edition, brought on by an overwhelmingly and beyond frustrating journey. The tattoo says, “Dum Spiro Spero”, which is Latin and translates to, “while I breathe, I hope”. I am hopeful for the future. I am hopeful for a day where I am not riddled with an insane amount of anxiety or triggers into the depressive state that I have found myself. I’m trying. Trying the best I can to stay grounded, and in the here and now. So here’s to…hope. May it find its way into my daily life sooner rather than later.

I really need something more in my life. There is this unnamed void that was filled by my years of overeating and now that this is not an option, I find myself like a toddler without a safety blanket. I’ve been reading a lot about DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and think that it might be worth a try. I have several gaps in my memory bank where I either can’t remember anything during that time, or remember telling my parents and being told it was just a bad dream. I’m capable of being and doing so much more with my life versus wallowing in this ridiculous amount of guilt and pain that I’ve just accepted and taken on. Opening Pandora’s box is gonna hurt like a MF Beeotch, but…… It’s time. I think. Fuck. Hopefully I won’t chicken out again.

Lessons In Recovery

1. You have to eat. This is non negotiable.

2. You have to start loving yourself as you are. No trying to mold, shape or conform your body to societies or ED’s ideals.

3. You have to stop punishing yourself with exercise. Exercise can be fun and freeing but not if your soul purpose is to be thinner or burn calories.

4. You have to lose control. Ed is all about control. The only way to be free is to let go and realize that everything will be ok.

5. You have to stop telling your body what to do and let it tell you what to do. The body knows what it needs and wants better than we ever will so Its time we start listing to it instead of ignoring it.

6. It’s ok to rest. You don’t have to be doing something 24/7. You can read a book or take a nap. There is nothing wrong with taking time for yourself.

7. You should not fear food. Fear foods are fears because we have made them that way. If we start to realize that all food is equal and that our body needs a variety of foods to be healthy than there is no reason to fear it anymore.


I’d like to tell you all a story about the man who saved my life.
When I sat down with my father a little over a year ago, and said to him ‘hey dad, you know all my body image stuff? I’ve fixed that now’, there’s no way that he could have believed me. Because when I said that a thousand flashbacks could have come into his mind - 5 year old me, coming home from school and asking him why my stomach stuck out further than the other girls’. 15 year old me, lying in a hospital bed with a doctor telling him out of my earshot that they didn’t know how many more hours my body could hold up. 19 year old me, crying in his arms and saying my entire life had become a cycle of starvation diets and binge eating and I couldn’t see a way out of that self hatred…
So it would have made complete sense for him to roll his eyes in disbelief, convinced that a lifetime of those moments could never be left behind.
But he didn’t. He listened, like he always had. He fought to understand, like he always had. And he believed in me, like he always had. My dad is the reason I’m here today, because of all the patience, all the compassion and all the faith in me he’s had over the years. And I don’t think any of us should wait until it’s too late to pay tribute to someone as spectacular as that. 💜💙💚🌞🌈


For those of you in recovery who feel they need permission…Here it is.

You have permission to eat . You have permission to be happy. You have permission to be healthy. You have permission to be bigger. You have permission to love yourself no matter what. You have permission to be free.

( Now it’s time for you to give yourself permission because it has always been available to you all you have to do is believe)