I lost more than just weight.

I lost relationships,
I lost my clothing,
I lost my mind,
I lost my ability,
I lost my health,
I lost my happiness,
I lost my body,

I lost myself.

I am gaining back clothes,
I am gaining back skill,
I am gaining back knowledge,
I am gaining back a future,
I am gaining back happiness,
I am gaining back my body,
I am gaining confidence,

I am gaining back my life.


For those of you in recovery who feel they need permission…Here it is.

You have permission to eat . You have permission to be happy. You have permission to be healthy. You have permission to be bigger. You have permission to love yourself no matter what. You have permission to be free.

( Now it’s time for you to give yourself permission because it has always been available to you all you have to do is believe)

I had such a good night at the #PTALive . Even though I was on my own, in #Perth at night, and had to eat in front of people - I was beaten by the #pizza. I was going to try but I couldn’t face it.
But we have the #jackets and the #releasedates for the upcoming year! I’m such a #bookworm 💞 I’ll correctly tag these releases on my Tumblr for easier tracking
#realrecovery #prorecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #mentalillness #selfcare #reading #recoveryfamily

Tonight was a real milestone in my recovery

I came home from the mechanic in tears. My cars air conditioner which I thought was going to be a simple fix is actually a pretty complicated one that will cost somewhere between a few hundred and over a thousand dollars- which of course I don’t have. In the meanwhile I can’t drive with the air on at all, and with my job I’m in the car a few hours a day.

And so I got home, tired, sweaty, sad, and hungry. I wanted a big bowl of mac and cheese more than anything. I debated. Mac and cheese was one of my top go to purge foods.

DBT says to avoid things that make you more emotional, but it also talks about using food to self soothe.

This, of course, becomes a grey area for those of us in recovery. Do I avoid the struggle or risk it?

Well tonight for the first time I took a risk. I ate the Mac and cheese despite being upset. I ate mindfully and I allowed myself to enjoy it.

And I didn’t purge :)

Breakfast has always been a struggle for me, even before my eating disorder. I was just always in a rush and hated the the concept of starting my day with food. To be honest, that’s still a thought I battle with. But my therapist has been asking me “what are you willing to do to get healthy?” I can’t afford a dietician right now, and I won’t consider more intensive treatment than outpatient therapy, so there’s not much left to choose from. So…I made breakfast. It seems pretty simple but to anyone who has dealt with an ED, you may know where I’m coming from. Our actions don’t always have to be huge, intense, or dramatic, sometimes they just have to have effort behind them. Small steps are still steps. #recovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorder #fitness #food

A slip does not mean that you can’t do recovery, that you have failed at recovery or that you have to give recovery up. A slip is a just a slip, one moment, and does not define you or your recovery. Slip ups are part of recovery. Take a deep breath, be compassionate with yourself, ask for support and keep going. #EDWarrior #edrecovery #edawareness #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorderawareness #PHEAL #ProjectHeal #theprojecthealri #Recovery #RealRecovery #RecoveryQuotes #RecoveryWarrior

I’m writing this whilst watching ‘Girls’ in bed. I love this program- I think Lena Dunham is one of the first episodes her character is asked something about whether or not she has ever dieted or wants to lose weight. Her response- 'I have not tried a lot to lose weight, I decided I’d have some other concerns in my life.’ And i LOVE that! Because it’s so damn true. Do I want to focus on slimming my thighs, or do I want to focus on charity work, or helping people with mental illness, or just spending time with my family?! Now I am of course not saying that everyone with an eating disorder chose to focus on their bodies and weight. Not at all! But for me personally, body image is a huge struggle and so hearing quotes like this and really thinking about them inspire me to say 'screw vanity. Screw society telling me appearance is everything!’ It’s not! I won’t make friends or enter relationships because my waist is small- and if that were the reason for a relationship, then I don’t want in! I don’t judge anyone based on their body, so why would anyone judge me? There are so many other concerns in my life which I can channel my energy into, and that’s my goal now. Focus on important things, not the size of my body which is what’s made the past years of my life hell. Continuing to focus on that would only waste more precious time. Life is fragile; I don’t want to lose any more of it to this illness and self hate. I am on mission self love. If I end up chubby, great! If I don’t, that’s great too! Fat, thin, chubby, slim- they are all adjectives which are by no means indicative of who I am as a person. I want to be loved, but I need to learn to love myself first 💕 #edrecovery #prorecovery #anorexiarecovery #realrecovery #edsoldiers #eatingdisorderrecovery #motivation #inspiration #bodyimage #selfacceptance

You were not always as you are now. You had alive before Ed. A full life a happy life, one where you were still you. You can get back to that life, you can get back to who you truly are. Recovery is the road you must take to “regain” yourself. It’s the only way and it may not always be easy…in fact it’s probably the hardest thing you will ever go through, but you can do it. You can overcome this. YOU CAN BE YOU AGAIN.