I lost more than just weight.

I lost relationships,
I lost my clothing,
I lost my mind,
I lost my ability,
I lost my health,
I lost my happiness,
I lost my body,

I lost myself.

I am gaining back clothes,
I am gaining back skill,
I am gaining back knowledge,
I am gaining back a future,
I am gaining back happiness,
I am gaining back my body,
I am gaining confidence,

I am gaining back my life.


For those of you in recovery who feel they need permission…Here it is.

You have permission to eat . You have permission to be happy. You have permission to be healthy. You have permission to be bigger. You have permission to love yourself no matter what. You have permission to be free.

( Now it’s time for you to give yourself permission because it has always been available to you all you have to do is believe)

If we try to live our lives up to society’s standards, we will never win. So I say to hell with you society. True beauty is so much more than what you tell us it is. #EDRecovery #edawareness #EatingDisorderRecovery #eatingdisorderawareness #recovery #ProjectHEAL #theprojecthealri #raiseawareness #recoveryquotes #bodyimage #bodylove #recoveryinspiration

Breakfast has always been a struggle for me, even before my eating disorder. I was just always in a rush and hated the the concept of starting my day with food. To be honest, that’s still a thought I battle with. But my therapist has been asking me “what are you willing to do to get healthy?” I can’t afford a dietician right now, and I won’t consider more intensive treatment than outpatient therapy, so there’s not much left to choose from. So…I made breakfast. It seems pretty simple but to anyone who has dealt with an ED, you may know where I’m coming from. Our actions don’t always have to be huge, intense, or dramatic, sometimes they just have to have effort behind them. Small steps are still steps. #recovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorder #fitness #food

Breakfast out this morning😊 I love diners and breakfast is my favorite meal of the day. This is a veggie omelette and I asked for extra cheese😉👍 and a side of home fries and toast ( unpictured). Delish💕 #prorecovery #realrecovery #weightrestored #edrecovery #ednosrecovery #2fab4ana #eatingdisorderrecovery #eat #foodlover #anorexiarecovery #strongnotskinny #foodisfuel#anarecovery #togetherwecan #balancednotclean #anarecovery #breakfast #myfood

You should never substitute anything for food. If your hungry eat, do not suppress your hunger with activity, coffee, or anything else that you have done in the past. You have to honor your hunger not ignore it. Hunger is your bodies way of telling you it needs nutrients. Maybe it’s trying to fight of a cold you’re not even aware of, or trying to rebuild your organs from years of starvation. The point is your body knows what it’s doing more than we ever will and telling it no I won’t feed you is like saying to your doctor no I won’t take my medicine that will help get me better. Food is our medicine, it’s our fuel, its the building blocks to being the healthiest human being we can be. So the next time you are hungry eat no matter what. Start to trust your body, it nows what it’s doing.

3 Questions

In recovery we have all heard how every meal is a battle and that is very true. When first starting and for a long time we have to fight our own thoughts just to eat even the smallest morsel of food that feels “unsafe” or “to fattening”. We struggle to listen to our own hearts and bodies.

The true testament to being fully recovered and free is when the only questions we ask concerning a meal is this:

1. What do I want/feel like eating?

2. Is that option available to me ( through driving or making myself)?

3. Will it satisfy my hunger/cravings?

To often in recovery we trade one obsession for another in the hopes of staying a certain shape or weight. When recovery is really about letting go and finding who we are and what we need/want. Sure many of you eat more than you used to but maybe only when you eat “healthy” or only “if it fits your macros”  or only if you still watch your calorie intake so that you don’t gain “too much”. This method is not freedom it’s a compromise. It’s you saying to your Ed that ok I’ll get better BUT…..  

The only real recovery is when you can accept that any kind of reasoning  with your eating disorder with keep you stuck and you will remain stuck mentally, physically and emotionally till you can free yourself of all ED tendencies and methods. This entails accepting you for you right now and forever and when I say you I mean the you without ED the true you. The one who wants to never count another calorie, the one who would rather paint than workout, the one that misses going out with friends to eat. You are so much more than the shell that contains you. So why spend so much of you time and mental capacity only wording about the outside. What you need to start taking care of is your soul and that is when you will recover.

I’m writing this whilst watching ‘Girls’ in bed. I love this program- I think Lena Dunham is one of the first episodes her character is asked something about whether or not she has ever dieted or wants to lose weight. Her response- ‘I have not tried a lot to lose weight, I decided I’d have some other concerns in my life.’ And i LOVE that! Because it’s so damn true. Do I want to focus on slimming my thighs, or do I want to focus on charity work, or helping people with mental illness, or just spending time with my family?! Now I am of course not saying that everyone with an eating disorder chose to focus on their bodies and weight. Not at all! But for me personally, body image is a huge struggle and so hearing quotes like this and really thinking about them inspire me to say ‘screw vanity. Screw society telling me appearance is everything!’ It’s not! I won’t make friends or enter relationships because my waist is small- and if that were the reason for a relationship, then I don’t want in! I don’t judge anyone based on their body, so why would anyone judge me? There are so many other concerns in my life which I can channel my energy into, and that’s my goal now. Focus on important things, not the size of my body which is what’s made the past years of my life hell. Continuing to focus on that would only waste more precious time. Life is fragile; I don’t want to lose any more of it to this illness and self hate. I am on mission self love. If I end up chubby, great! If I don’t, that’s great too! Fat, thin, chubby, slim- they are all adjectives which are by no means indicative of who I am as a person. I want to be loved, but I need to learn to love myself first 💕 #edrecovery #prorecovery #anorexiarecovery #realrecovery #edsoldiers #eatingdisorderrecovery #motivation #inspiration #bodyimage #selfacceptance