eating disoder recovery

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Today is an historical day for me.
I chose recovery.
REAL recovery.
I know I’m gonna gain some weight and I know it’s gonna be fucking hard for me but I can’t live with my mental disorders anymore. I don’t want to.
I want to be healthy and happy but I’m gonna be honest: I don’t want to gain much. I just don’t wanna be sickly thin anymore and I wanna do sports to be toned and skinny but fit and healthy.

https://www.instagram.com/knicklichtparty/

Recovery smells like fresh baked chocolate chip cookies.

Recovery feels like the relief of ice cold lemonade on a hot day.

Recovery tastes like maple syrup drenched pancakes.

Recovery looks like the tallest mountain of whipped cream you’ve ever seen. 

Recovery sounds like movie theater popcorn popping.

Recovery is hard, but wow is it worth it. 

Eating disorders are so irritating because one day you could be laughing, eating a pint of ice cream and 7 pieces of pizza with your friends, thinking you’re completely recovered and then the next you could be crying in the bathroom wanting to purge because you ate a salad for dinner. 

AKA saying things like “WHAT is going on with you!?” or “you ate that last week with no problem at all!” to someone who is affected by an eating disorder will not do any good. If you’re confused about their actions… imagine what it’s like to be the one feeling like they’re less than everyone else because of how back and forth they feel. Living with an eating disorder is already stressful enough, and pointing out the unsteadiness makes it all the more overwhelming. 

Tips for when you feel guilty about eating:

1.Try to figure out what is making you feel guilty. Targeting the issue is the first step in addressing it. What did you eat that caused you to feel this guilt?

2. One you figured out what food caused you to feel this guilt ask yourself why…was it high in calories? High in sugar? Something that you don’t consider healthy?

3. Look at the long term. What you ate might have been unhealthy or not what you planned, but is it going to affect you in a week? Most of the time the answer is going to be no.

4. Did you genuinely enjoy what you ate? No, I’m not asking about the nutritional value or the macros or the calories, I’m asking if you enjoyed this food. Most of the time the answer is going to be yes.

5. Remember that there is more to life than tracking calories and losing weight or becoming fit. You live one life and in that life there is no shame in enjoying delicious foods. There is nothing wrong in eating something just to enjoy it. 

6. Try your best to distance the relationship you have created between food and guilt. While this is a long term goal, it is something you can work on everyday. There are no bad foods, and there are no good foods. Food is simply food and detaching foods from the labels of good and bad is key to reestablishing a healthy relationship with food. 

Restrictors believe in control. Of themselves, their food intake, their environments. And whenever possible, they’d also like to control the entire world. Restrictors operate on the conviction that chaos is imminent and steps need to be taken now to minimize its impact impact. For a restrictor, deprivation is comforting because it provides a sense of control. If I limit my food intake, I limit my body size. If I limit my body size, I (believe I can) limit my suffering. If I limit my suffering, I can control my life. I make sure that bad things don’t happen. That chaos stays away.
—  Geneen Roth, Women Food and God

It’s amazing what a 20 pound difference can make both physically and mentally. I’ve found that the key to losing weight and keeping it off is to just take my time. I would always pack back on the weight after crash diets…but these past couple of years have been so different. There’s no need for those diets anymore, I’m simply working on finding a balance.