eating alone in a bathroom stall

Sick Teacher Lance (Klance Sickfic)

Prompt: inspired by a post by @toosicktoocare (I hope you’ll forgive me for using it!)

And I also threw in my OCs Jasper, Joan & Eric (my new OC sideblog is @signsickocs )!

“Lance.” Lance whined and buried his face further into the warm chest, a small amount of drool escaping his open mouth.

“Lance.” Hands patted his bare upper arm and he unconsciously swatted at the limbs that were impeding on his sleep. The body chuckled and flicked his forehead lightly. “Time to get up, come on. I’m pretty sure Jasper will cry if you don’t show up.”

Lance opened his eyes blearily, taking in the broad, bare chest of his boyfriend and winced as the light from the window hit his sensitive eyes. “Keith, why the hell did you open the blinds?” He whacked his chest, face scrunching up in faux pain, although his head really did hurt a little.

“You wouldn’t wake up. I figured if you opened your eyes you would be blinded and then stay awake.” Keith ruffled his hair softly, fingers taking out the minor knots with gentle tact.

Lance moaned slightly at his ministrations and sat up, head spinning at the sudden movement. “That’s it. I want a divorce.”

The dark hair of Keith met him, a smile flashing on his face. “You can’t. I know too much. Like the fact that you fact that you drool when you sleep.” Lance whacked him upside the heat not unkindly, hand coming up to wipe the drool around his mouth self-consciously. “And the fact that you have a hair kink. I’m sure our students would love to know that.”

Grabbing a pillow, Lance hit Keith and turned is face away so that Keith wouldn’t get the satisfaction of seeing him turn crimson. “I do not and you better not.”

“I’m sure they’d also love to know how much I love you, how I love holding your hand and kissing you.” Keith former jesting tone had taken a serious turn, and he planted a small kiss on Lance’s forehead, grabbing his hand and placing another chaste on it. He looked down at him, eyes like a mirror to his emotions. “I mean that, Lance.”

Lance nodded and kissed Keith’s lips, a small smirk forming on his face. “Well, I could reveal that their ‘utterly terrifying’ math teacher is actually a cheese ball and whines about the amount of homework he has to correct.”

At that Keith turned an unnatural shade of red. “You better not. Those brats are too annoying for their own good.” He groaned. “They keep asking if I’m single.”

“Popular with the girls, eh?” Lance nudged him, winking outrageously.

“Guys. Girls and guys.”

Lance’s utterly unacceptable eyebrow wiggling earned him a place on the hard, wood floor.

Later on that morning saw Lance and Keith exiting the teachers’ lounge room, books under their arms. They walked a little apart, although Keith was having a hard time not holding Lance’s lonely hand. Teachers dating was not frowned upon, but they were expected to carry themselves properly and act like responsible adults.

Keith was a little annoyed about that. Kissing wasn’t exactly the same as doing the do in the janitor’s closet, was it? Either way, he was a little grateful about that at the same time, for his students would not stop teasing him if they ever found out he was dating the ‘hot’ history teacher.

Just as they were about to part ways, Lance looked at the empty corridor and placed a loving kiss on Keith’s cheek, trying not to totter as he did so. His head was hurting a little. He murmured a soft “I love you” and ran a hand through Keith’s hair with a soft smile. “I’ll see you at break.”

“Love you too, babe.”

“Yeah, don’t divorce me, babe, I know all your worst secrets.” He formed a smile on his face, trying his best not to grimace at the headache he had.

Keith chuckled and with the arrival of a set of students, they parted ways. Lance dropped the act, and sighed a wearied sigh. He ran a hand over his face and shook his head, hoping the drum beat in his head would lessen. He shoulders slumped a little as he entered his classroom.

No one was there as the bell had not rung yet, save one person. The familiar form of a freshman that Lance enjoyed teaching for the fact that he tried and quietly listened to him, unlike many rowdy fourteen year olds, greeted his eyes.

He righted himself and smiled as he neared his desk, where the boy stood. “Jasper. I don’t think I have you for class until second period?”

The boy was like an open book and stuttered a little, pink dotting his cheeks. “I know. I j-just wanted to hand in my essay. Sir.” He placed a sheaf of paper before him on the desk, held together by a bright green staple.

“It’s not due until next Friday, though.” Lance was trying hard not to sound accusatory, but the bright light overhead and the constant heartbeat in his head was making him feel tired. He rubbed at his temple with his fingers. “And I told you, it’s Lance. Sir makes me feel old.”

“All right… Lance.” He rubbed his caramel-coloured locks at the base of his neck nervously. “I’m sorry if I disturbed you.”

“Did I look like I was doing anything, Jasper?” He smiled genially toward the boy, though his eyes hurt when he moved them. They ached in fact. “I’ll correct it as soon as I can.” He rubbed at his eyes delicately, unaware that Jasper was looking a little worried.

“Are you feeling all right, Si-Lance?”

“Peachy. Just have something in my eyes. Now, get off to class before Miss Holt has the chance to find a reason to suspend you.”

Like a scared rabbit, Jasper’s baby blue eyes widened and he scurried off to Biology, because Lord knows, she was terrifying. He yelled a prepubescent “thank you” as he left, which made Lance crack up and immediately regret it when it jolted his now aching limbs.

Great. He was probably coming down with something. He hated getting sick and he always seemed to catch the worst ones too. He hoped that he would at least be able to make it through the day. Also not let Keith know. Keith was a nagger and would not cease until Lance was lying in bed. It wasn’t even that bad. Probably just a mild fever.

Throughout first period, Lance could feel himself feeling decreasingly worse. His limbs ached and he felt so tired. He sat in his chair as much as he could, even though he usually loved standing up and speaking loudly about historical figures. Even his juniors seemed a little confused.

Once, when a student had put up their hand, he had snapped at them, snapped at them even though they had done nothing wrong. He had apologised and gave the excuse that he had missed his coffee this morning which prompted a number of sympathising students.

At break, he felt so tempted to go all ‘Mean Girls’ and eat in a bathroom stall alone, just to avoid Keith’s observant gaze. Then he realised that he really had nothing to hide and laughed at his foolishness. It was just a little fever.

He sat down by Keith, thighs touching and smiled through the pain of moving. “How was class?” Opening his lunch box, he messed with his food but didn’t have the will to eat.

Keith groaned dramatically. “Please don’t tell me I was annoying and loud in sophomore year.”

Lance looked away and earned a thwack on his forearm. “I couldn’t say.” He answered mysteriously, suddenly feeling very cold as he tugged his shirt tighter around him.

“Hey!”

Lance could do this, Lance could do this.

Walking into his classroom again, he looked at all the eager and not-so-eager expressions of his freshman students. Jasper was sitting by the window, talking quietly to a boy with dark hair — he could barely remember any faces through the fog.

Lance couldn’t do this. He couldn’t.

Everything felt like it was going in slow motion. His limbs felt like they were weighed down with lead and his joints ached, ached bone deep and he felt so tired. Moving hurt. It hurt to move. Even moving his eyes around was proving to be painful and has came to the conclusion that he was sicker than he originally thought.

At one moment he felt warm and another moment he felt cold. He wasn’t sure if he was sweating, though it certainly felt like it. His head had started up a new beat and moving too fast made him feel dizzy, lost, off balance.

After calling the roll, he glared daggers at a girl who was whispering to the person behind her. He crossed his arms and waited patiently for her to finish. He opened his mouth to speak. “Joan, are you finished?” She flushed and nodded jerkily.

He turned to the board only to see his vision go blurry and he stumbled, a hand gripping his desk tightly as he tried not to keel over. There was a rushing sound in his ears and he could hear the scrape of a chair on floor. He squeezed his eyes shut and opened them again, hoping that the fog would clear, but it didn’t.

A hand rested on his shoulder hesitantly and he could hear Jasper speaking, but could not understand his words. Everything was muddled and it may as well have been a foreign language. Everything was loud and it was too warm and it felt like he was being heated up in an oven. A hand was patting his cheek and everything was too close and too warm and-

Tripping over his feet, he made a mad dash to the door of his classroom, and it took him a few tries, but he managed to open it. He headed towards the bathroom, head spinning and vision swirling, leaving behind a very confused (though mostly concerned) class behind.

Jasper looked around at the other students and he spoke up nervously, his voice breaking through the stunned silence. “S-Should I get the nurse?”

Joan looked at him in mild amusement. “We should get Mr. Kogane.”

Jasper looked a little confused, and tilted his head to the side, almost akin to that of a lost duck. “Why?”

The class snickered and Jasper’s cheeks heated up, though Joan remained patient. “Because he’s dating our history teacher.” She took in his expression. “I thought it was obvious.”

Jasper still looked confused, but set his gaze determinedly ahead of him. “I’ll go get him then.” He took confidant strides until he was out the door and then sagged against it, heart beating quickly.

Sir-Lance just had to date the most terrifying teacher in the school didn’t he? He made up a cheer for himself and walked hurriedly to Mr. Kogane’s room, worried about his teacher and worried that a teacher would find him out of class without a pass.

Keith was having a wonderful day, simply splendid, in fact. If that counted as having nothing but rowdy classes and a number of immature and nosy students who just didn’t get the memo to shut the hell up, then yeah. It was a terrific day.

Lance had been pretty quiet during break and that worried him. He was usually so loud and boisterous. His brow furrowed subconsciously. Maybe he knew that Keith would appreciate peace and minimal noise. The thought made him smile. Lance could be really cute and caring sometimes.

His thoughts were interrupted by a student in the front row. “Whatcha thinkin’ about, sir?”

Keith scowled a particularly nasty scowl and tried to calm down his flaring temper. “Nothing that is any of your business, Eric.”

The class oohed and Keith tried to remind himself that he was a teacher. If he had been a kid he would have thrown him a punch, but he was the adult here. It seemed that the class weren’t done tormenting him, for another question came soon after.

One girl in the back piped up. “Are you thinking about your boyfriend, sir?”

Keith looked blankly at her, features giving nothing away. He crossed his arms. “I don’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.”

She raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “Whatever you say.” Her tongue piercing glinted in the sun and Keith shuddered. Kids these days

Just then, there were a few hurried knocks at the door and even though he said “come in” the raps continued. Huffing, he stood up and walked over to open the door. Lord knows what Shiro wanted of him now. Sure he was the principal of this highschool, but he ran it like a military academy sometimes.

Instead, he opened the door to find a quivering and small freshman student he recognised as Jasper waiting on the other side. He looked frightened and Keith tried to look somewhat less stern. His hand had been interrupted mid-knock and he hastily put it down, cheeks flushing.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in class?” Keith frowned again. Lance taught him at this time.

Then Jasper blurted out, “Sir, Mr. Kogane, I was told to get you because Si-I mean Lance ran out of our classroom all dizzy and stuff and I think he’s sick!” He stared at the ground sheepishly, hand coming to rub at the back of his neck.

Keith stood stock still, heart picking up pace. He could scarcely compute the kid’s words. Lance sick? He shook his head. No, it must be some mistake. Then he stiffened. Lance had been really quiet at break, unnaturally so. Then it all seemed to make sense.

Unbeknownst to Keith, his class of juniors were extremely interested in the current discussion and craned their necks to hear what was going on. Eric smirked and his classmates took note of their teacher’s tense body posture. No boyfriend, eh? They had just been shown the evidence.

Without a word he ran past Jasper and left behind a satisfied classroom and one very petrified freshman who looked owlishly at the juniors. Eric, taking into account how small and scared he looked and with a gentleness that surprised even himself, offered to get him back to class.

The corridors seemed to be never ending and it took everything Lance had not to give up and collapse on the floor. Everything was so warm, his head drumming unpleasantly and stomach churning. It hurt to think and once his vision went haywire, so much so that he couldn’t see where he was going.

Upon reaching the teacher’s bathrooms, he entered the men’s and launched himself towards the sink area. Gripping the faux marble countertop, he swayed and almost felt the need to throw up, but managed to contain it — for now.

Clumsily gripping a tap, he twisted it, little strength available to him and feeling too dizzy to control it. Once water came out, cool and fresh, he shakily sloshed some on his face and reached around blindly for a towel. Water had managed to get onto his clothes and trickle down his neck, but he was beyond caring.

He whined when the search for the towel caused an ache to form in his stomach and it gurgled uncomfortably. Finally dropping to the floor, he buried his pounding head in his knees and wrapped his shaking arms around his waist.

He wanted Keith.

Keith had been running around like a madman, trying his utter best to find his missing boyfriend. A heavy feeling of dread filled his lungs and he almost felt like he was choking. His boyfriend was sick and he had had a student tell him that. He had noticed how strange his boyfriend had been acting, but he hasn’t asked.

He ran a hand through his dark hair and bit the inside of his cheeks, face a mask of worry and almost a sense of terror. His eyes darted around and hr tried to think. Where would Lance go? His dull eyes brightened and he looked up from his wallowing. He knew where.

When he had opened the bathroom door, he had expected to see Lance passed out, dead and anything in between that. What he didn’t expect was to find him curled up in a ball on the tiles, the tap still running.

Lance didn’t notice he had arrived at first, but eventually he raised his head and Keith met with droopy, feverish eyes and flushed cheeks. Lance was pale and he shuddered, as if he were cold. Hair was plastered to his forehead and his mouth was dry and chapped.

“Keith?” He looked confused, but then his expression brightened and even when sick like this, Keith couldn’t help but think he was cute.

Wrapping an arm around his shoulders, Keith eased him up gently only to find himself being shoved away. Lance threw up in the sink, the little breakfast he had being the only thing to come up.

He couldn’t seem to stop and the retching continued, Keith patting his back and brushing his hair away from his sweaty forehead. He hacked until his throat was raw and felt like it had been cleaned by sandpaper. Tears sprang into his eyes and a sob escaped him when Keith washed his face clean, feeling so pathetic and utterly miserable.

The support of the sink no longer there, Lance would have fallen if Keith had not caught him. He caught him gently about the waist and they slowly sank down to the floor together, until he was practically sitting on his lap. His back was to Keith’s chest and the tears would not stop.

Keith wiped away every tear, hushing and murmuring kind words in his ears. He rubbed his hands up and down Lance’s arms as he shivered and took in the heat emanating from his body with growing concern. The sobs made him convulse and he shook, body wracked with the force of them.

After a while, he began to hiccup and the tears gradually ceased. Lance wearily sank against Keith, body spent with his ordeal. Keith pressed his cheek to Lance’s and embraced him.

“Let’s get you home, Lance.”

Keith carried Lance outside to their car bridal style, unaware of the noses pressed to the windows of his classroom or of the clicking of cameras.

In the car, Keith strapped him in, careful not to jostle him too much and pushed his hair back off his forehead. Lance nuzzled against his cold hands and smiled, eyes looking at him dreamily, though rimmed red from crying.

“I love you.”

Keith chuckled and slammed the door behind him. Once he was in his seat, he turned to him and said, “I love you too.” Lance leant his head against the window pane, completely satisfied and content and almost forgot for a moment that he was sick.

Once back at their apartment, Keith helped Lance inside and brought him to the couch, where he could see him and do things at the same time. As if he were a child, he dressed Lance in pajamas and pressed a kiss to his damp hair.

“Wait and I’ll get you some medicine and water.” He entered the kitchen and Lance watched him for a while, head lying on the armrest.

Then he spoke up, voice cracked and grating to the ears. “Then can we watch something. Together, I mean.”

Keith smiled and looked over, his face brighter than anything else in the world. “Anything for you.”

Lance stuck out his tongue in disgust. “You’re sickening.”

“Pretty sure you’re the one that has the sickness here and the actual power to make me catch it.”

Keith was soon back and Lance downed the two pills. He felt a little better, the pounding having muted. Keith knew he was feeling better enough to give him a snarky answer.

Lance cuddled up next to Keith, head resting on his chest tiredly. He turned over and pecked his cheek gently, face apologetic. “I’m sorry if I worried you.”

Keith looked down at Lance, face so beautiful even in this state and leant his cheek on his sandy locks, turning slightly to press another kiss to his head. “Just don’t do it again. I think Jasper died.”

“He’ll live.”

“Whatever you say, darling.”

“Yeah, you really shouldn’t.”

“Shouldn’t what?”

“Divorce me. I know all your secrets, Keith Kogane.”

“I wasn’t the one crying in the bathroom after throwing up in the sink.”

“… Good point.”

“I can’t divorced you anyway.”

“Why not?”

“Because I love you too much.”

“So do I, angel.”

GrowingUpFat and GrowingUpUgly

#growingupfat & #growingupugly

#growingupfat weighing yourself every morning and night and skipping meals to watch the scale drop fractions of a pound

#growingupugly hating birthdays because no one bothers to remember or wish you happy birthday

#growingupfat wearing your dad’s hand-me-downs in middle school

#growingupugly being told to become a doctor and become rich because “that’s the only way you’ll ever get a woman to love you”

#growingupfat grandmother makes cookies for all your cousins but not for you because “you haven’t earned the right to eat one”

#growingupugly being told “well, at least you’re smart” after your friends tell you to not hang with them because you “ruin the way the group looks”

#growingupfat changing in the bathroom stall instead of the locker room

#growingupugly people not remembering that you went to school with them, even though you were in all the same classes

#growingupfat wearing clothes 2 sizes too big so no one could see the outline of your belly

#growingupugly eating alone in the school library because no one wanted to be seen with you

#growingupfat people asking me to skip a meal when I already haven’t eaten for the past 2 days

Contact (BasicallyIDo407)

Summary: Scotty and Marcel meet each other in person for the first time after being in a long distance relationship for fifteen months. (Subtle mentions of taking place in a Night Owl and Early Bird Superhero AU.)

Word Count: 4,564


The rumble of the plane’s engine was thundering in his ears, and Scott shoved his spine deeper into the cushioned seat as if submerging himself would help. His stomach was doing somersaults and his nails were digging into the armrests. The woman sitting next to him had her earphones in and wasn’t paying attention to him, but it wasn’t like he wanted her too anyway. He hadn’t travelled often, and when he did there was at least someone with him. Not this time, however, because this time Scott was travelling to Los Santos on his own, and he hated every moment of it.

Flying was the worst.

Keep reading

Sick Days Prompts

Alrighty! The prompts and dates are ready! Feel free to do any or all of them. I have opened submissions to this blog, so you can submit other things as well in the meantime should you wish, but I’m going to ask for organization’s sake that you only submit you work for the main prompt on the day of. Also, if you want to write one prompt multiple times, go for it.

Now, these aren’t really prompts, per se. Not specific ones, at least. They are more like vague themes to write under. I’ve included suggestions under most of them to help out, but you do not by any means have to choose from what is there. I can’t wait to see the wide variety of things I’ll receive for each prompt; they are very open and don’t at all confine to one specific kink. So knock yourself out, whether you’re an emeto person, snez lover, gore/injury fan, or fever fanatic.

Sick Days

July 25th-31st

25: Bodily fluids
- For this prompt, the messier the better!
Suggestions: vomit, snot, spit, sweat, piss, poop, mucus, blood, or any combination thereof!

26: Chronic illness
- Definition: A chronic condition is defined as a health condition or disease that lasts longer than three months, or comes on with time. Duration is key here. If you want, you could also do a recurrent condition, which is the same duration, but with periods of remission.
- Suggestions: Autoimmune diseases, cancer, mental illness, Hepatitis C, asthma, heart conditions, vascular diseases, cyclic vomiting syndrome, diabetes (I and II), addiction, neurodegenerative diseases (such as Parkinson’s, Huntington’s, ALS, Alzheimer’s), Lyme disease, and MS, just to name a few.

27: Caretaking focus
- Basically, this prompt is for fluff and caretaking. Pick whatever illness you want, or injury if you prefer to write that. Just make sure that your character has a loving friend/family member/partner to help them through their time of need. Or multiple friends/family members/partners.

28: Illness or discomfort not related to bacteria/virus
- Suggestions: motion sickness, parasites, fungal infection, injury, temperature related conditions (though there is a prompt later specifically for temperature later in the week), overeating, under-eating, allergies.

29: Rapid onset
- Your character is fine one minute, and feeling awful the next. It’s up to you whether they’re alone or someone is with them to catch on.
- Suggestions: headaches (migraines), concussion, bad reaction to food or meds, injury, allergies, fast acting germs, motion sickness.

30: Public illness
- The embarrassment level is up to you. How many people are around is up to you. But the illness has to be public. The most privacy your character is going to get in this prompt is a public bathroom stall.
- Suggestions: work, school, uni, public transportation, a pub, a club, an amusement park, a grocery store, some kind of team practice, literally just walking down the street, it doesn’t really matter. Anywhere but home.

31: Temperature
- This can be internal or external.
- Suggestions: fever, chills, sweating, heat exhaustion, heat stroke, burns, cold rain, winter weather, hypothermia, the “getting sick due to being out in the cold” trope.


I can’t wait to see what you guys come up with!!

man!!!!! i feel like a woman!!!

BUM BUM DA DUM DUM BUM BUM. LET’S GO, GIRLS.

haha remember that shania twain song? didn’t we all kind of love that song when we were wee little nuggets with no idea of what was awaiting us? oh, shania. YOU FUCKIN LIAR. WALKIN AROUND LIKE BEING A GROWN FEMALE-BODIED PERSON WAS GOING TO BE NOTHING BUT OVERLARGE MEN’S SHIRTS AND SEXY GO GO DANCING.

here’s some fun things shania left out:

  • once a month, 200 ROCK TROLLS will learn how to TAP DANCE on your uterus! if you don’t have a uterus, and not all women do, just imagine dwayne the rock johnson just walked up to you, broke you over his knee like you were a twig, and then used your broken body as a jump rope while listening to keke palmer’s 2007 hit “bottoms up.”

  • “man, white cheddar cheese-its are so good,” you think while doing work at your desk. “oh my GOD white cheddar cheese-its are so good. they’re so GOOD!!! WHITE CHEDDAR CHEESE ITS ARE SO FUCKING DELICIOUS!!!!!” you begin to cry. you sit at your desk, silently weeping, because white cheddar cheese-its are so good and you want them so badly. all you want to do is turn out all the lights, crawl under your desk, and absolutely DESTROY a box of white cheddar cheese-its, but you can’t, because the universe is fundamentally unfair and everyone dies alone.

  • all this talk of cheese-its has gotten you hungry. be good, you think. your body is a temple. you eat an apple, which is what all the websites and your doctor say to do. your body immediately swells up like a balloon and you look like that scene in my girl where her best friend dies from bee stings.

    oh look! now you’re thinking about your best friend dying! go ahead, eat 2 full chocolate bars in the bathroom stall. why not. your body is a temple that requires sacrifice.

  • someone says something vaguely bigoted on social media. “that’s it!!!!!!!!!!!!!” you think. “THE WHOLE WORLD IS GARBAGE, EVERYONE IN IT IS TRASH, BURN EVERYTHING AND START OVER. IT’S JUST GONNA BE PIZZA & FOUR PEOPLE THAT I HAVE HAND-CHOSEN. BRING THE SHANIA VIDEOS, WE LOVED THAT ONE OF HER DOING FARM WORK AND MAYBE DATING A HORSE.”

  • you gently nudge a floor cushion with your toe. your whole body immediately bruises.

  • “sports are so fun,” you say, while crying in the dark, your blankets completely wrapped around your whole body so that you can’t move your arms because your favorite player just did That Thing that makes them your favorite player. “god, i love sport game!!!! sport game forever!!!”

  • “SPORTS ARE A FUCKING WASTE OF EVERYONE’S TIME,” you scream, rolling up like a pilbug under your bed. you live there now. your favorite player has just taken a penalty, and nothing will ever be okay ever again. “BURN SPORT GAME TO THE GROUND. ALL OF THEM. ALL THE SPORT GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  • call your parents to express your gratitude for all they do. end the phone call by shouting at your mom for not making you learn fluent german as a child.

  • spend 45 minutes thinking about how much you like melissa mccarthy.

  • read the comments on a video with melissa mccarthy in it. remember that thing about the world. create a petition on whitehouse.gov demanding that obama burn everything and start fresh. “IT’S GARBAGE, BARACK!” you write. “100,000 SIGNATURES AND YOU HAVE TO ANSWER FOR THIS!!!! I WANT THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT TO APOLOGIZE TO MELISSA MCCARTHY!!!!!!!!”

  • “can you just come over for like two hours and not speak to me and pet my hair and tell me i’m smart and funny and watch agent carter on hulu,” you blubber on the phone to your best friend. “that’s literally all i want. bring cheese-its.”

    “white cheddar?” she says.

    “OF COURSE FUCKIN’ WHITE CHEDDAR,” you say, and then, “sorry. i’m cool. i’m cool. white cheddar.”

go on, girl. put on an overlarge men’s t-shirt. your body is physically incapable of go go dancing but you sure as hell CAN shove an entire box of white cheddar cheese-its into your body. YOU DESERVE IT. you can ONLY GO UP FROM HERE.

Some of you may know that I endured the worst of being bullied for 10 years of my life in school. I was spit on, berated for not being “smart enough” in math, humiliated for entertainment and constantly told I was stupid and ugly and that the world would be better without me in it so I used to cry myself to sleep every night and even avoided people as much as I could during school hours. One day I was sitting and eating lunch and out of nowhere a group of people walked up, sat down next to me on the bench and started laughing so out of natural curiosity I asked “what’s so funny?” and they said “it’s the way you chew” I immediately got up and ran as fast as my legs could carry me into the bathroom stalls where I soon discovered would be my permanent eating place ..I mean sure it wasn’t ideal but hey at least I felt safe right? alone where no one could laugh in my face or say something that felt tear-worthy. After hearing I was ugly so many times throughout the years it’s not alarming that my self-esteem eventually faltered into nothing.. I felt like nothing, I saw nothing in me worth loving and honestly I just wanted to die.

I quickly fell into a really deep hole of depression and I didn’t know how I would crawl my way out, I felt alone in the world and came really close to completely giving up and taking my life but there was some heavy obstacles in my way and I started thinking about my family and if they would care or even miss me? I was being physically abused at “home” and didn’t feel loved so I wasn’t sure but I had such a close relationship with my granny and knew it would hurt her so that was definitely something to consider. Suicide is in & of itself a selfish act, I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I almost forgot about the pain I would relinquish on others if they were to lose me but since I’m sharing this with you, I obviously didn’t go through with it and ultimately the reason being that I found God but that testimony is for another time.

There were many factors that played into overcoming suicidal thoughts but one thing in particular I want to share is that I came to a point where I decided I was DONE playing the victim! I literally had enough and I was tired of crying and being miserable that one morning I just woke up and was over it. I chose to be happy! Live in the moment and not allow mean people to bring me down with their words or actions. I decided to take back the power I willingly gave others to have over me. Having a positive attitude really changed my life because it gave me a whole new perspective and made me see things I couldn’t see before because I was blinded by all the negativity and living under a cloud of despair.

You can’t change your past, but you can always change how you FEEL about it and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. From an outside view being bullied was one of the worst things that ever happened to me but looking within I’m so thankful that it happened because what ultimately could have made me bitter made me better. I never even thought of getting revenge, the idea of hurting someone the way I hurt was repulsive, I could and would never dish that out. I want to be the reason why someone wants to wake up in the morning, not the reason they want to give up like I almost did. This experience made me kinder, stronger, softened my heart a bit more, and let me see the world in a whole new light. Im numb to petty insults & cruel words no longer hurt

Surprisingly a few years later I was contacted by multiple people via Facebook who decided to apologize for hurting me in school and actually seeking forgiveness but what struck me the most is that they didn’t feel they deserved it and was shocked to learn I already forgave them years ago and I also forgave myself. You can’t live a life of contentment with anger or resentment taking residence in your heart because it will spill out into other relationships and ultimately destroy you from the inside out. I understand that forgiveness doesn’t come easy for most people but putting in the effort is really worth it. I wanted to share my story in hopes of inspiring someone out there who can relate to how I felt because if you’re hurting right now I understand your pain but you CAN recover from this, please don’t lose hope.. also I’m aiming to change the hearts of those feeling empty, I care and I’m here if you want to talk. If this post can touch ONE then it’s more than worth it. Life is full of many choices but suicide should NOT be one of them.

Be bold, be electric, be amazing. You are everything!

Check, Please? Chapter 21

Surprise! It’s a chapter a day early because I could.  I’m glad you are enjoying the story, but for those goobers who are threatening to stop reading DOOOON’t do it really i promise it’ll maybe get better maybe hopefully. Maybe. 

As I drove away from Louis’ apartment, I struggled with myself as to who I would tell first and how I would do it or even if I would ever do it.  It would probably be easier to tell Anna first I supposed, but I was a little angry that Louis refused to do it himself.  He was too much in shock to say anything but “no” repeatedly after he saw the little pink smiley face.  That stupid pink smiley face.  My thoughts traveled back to Anna.  I told her all of my secrets.  She was never really judgmental… and even if she was, she judged me in a funny way that made me know what I was doing was something she didn’t agree with.  Since I had been reminiscing on the past for the last few days and I had a few more minutes alone in the car, I allowed myself to slip into another memory.  I remembered sitting alone in the bathroom stall my freshman year at school when Harry had a fever one day.

You suck, I texted him while I shifted uncomfortably on the toilet-paper ring that I craftily made for the top of the germy seat. I know you’re not really sick you asshole.

I am though! He replied quickly. You know I would rather be at school with you than at home with my mom.

I sighed heavily and rested my head against the stall wall.  I pinched a chip between my fingers from the sack-lunch I had on my lap and slowly put it in my mouth.  Even though I knew my food was clean, there was something about eating in the nasty bathroom stalls that made me think my chips were contaminated just from touching the air.  While I chewed, I stared at the back of the door, covered in graffiti.

“Karli Hilson is a slut,” I read out loud, thinking I was alone.

Someone a few stalls down laughed. “You can say that again.”

I froze and held my breath.

“Apparently Megan LeBlanc is a slut too… or at least that’s what it says down here…” the stranger continued talking.  I listened as she struggled with her belt buckle and flushed the toilet.  Her door opened and she stepped out into the open bathroom.  I continued to hold my breath all the while she washed her hands and fixed her hair in the mirror.  I slowly ducked my head down under the stall to see her pink glittery converse halted un front of the sink.  Finally, she walked over to my stall and peeked through the crack in the door. “Are you eating lunch in there? Sick.”

I frowned at her intrusion of my privacy, threw the remainder of my sandwich and chips into my backpack, and zipped it up before pushing my toilet-paper seat into the toilet with my shoe and leaving the stall.  I washed my hands in the sink even though I didn’t actually use the bathroom and fixed my hair while the girl watched me.  “What’s your name?”

“Scotlan.”

“I’m Anna.  Are you a slut too?  Like Megan Leblanc and Karli Hilson?”

I contorted my face. “What?”

“Of course, no slut would never admit to that.  I mean, would you?”

“Yes,” I muttered under my breath.

“You would?” Anna asked. “Why?”

I shrugged. “I sleep with who I want.  The guys might be using me but I would stop letting them if I actually cared.  But that’s the key.  I let them do it.  I don’t care what people think.”

Anna’s mouth slowly fell open, more with a hint of admiration as opposed to shock. “Well if you don’t care about what people think then why are you eating lunch in the bathroom?”

Because I really did care.  I cared enough to listen to Harry’s critiques earlier that year and change myself.  I cared so much that I turned into a slut, and now that I reached where I thought I wanted to be, I had to act like I didn’t care.  Pretending that I didn’t care kept me from hating myself.

I shrugged. “I just don’t like the lunchroom,” I lied.

Anna grimaced and surprised me by picking up my backpack and taking my arm. “You’re eating with me.  I’m sorry, I can’t let you eat in here.”

Coming back to reality, I wiped a tear from my cheek as I pulled into the driveway and sighed.  When did I get to the point where I actually – and I mean really – stopped caring about myself?  I was surrounded by people who didn’t care.  We silently assured ourselves that we did care, but it was a lie we thought constantly just to make it through another day.  Now that I finally cared, it was too late.

I pushed open the door to the apartment and looked inside. The lights were off and so was the TV.

“Harry?”

No one answered.

“Niall?”

No answer. I dropped my purse and threw myself onto the couch face first, clutching my stomach.  I dug my fingers into the skin of my belly and instantly let go, getting freaked out by the thought of having a bulging tummy. “Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck everything,” I groaned into the cushion. “How could I fuck up so badly?”

I flipped onto my back and looked up at the ceiling. 

“Soooo… Are you going to stop lying to me now?”

I fell off of the couch and clutched my chest as my heart nearly exploded. Anna was standing at the entrance of the hallway with her arms folded tightly over her chest.

“What are you doing here?” I stammered.

“I wanted to see how Niall was doing and I was going to hang out with you when you got back from Louis’.  You know… fill you in on what’s happening between me and him.  Harry gave me a key to your apartment when I got back from Cancun. When I got here a little while ago, Niall and Harry were gone.” She watched me carefully, her body rigid and annoyance written all in her facial expression.

I caught my breath and forced myself to relax a bit. I wiped another tear from my cheek and made my way  to the fridge. I was forced to walk around Anna as she didn’t move or take her eyes off of me.

“Well you want something to drink?” I offered, looking through the fridge.  “Maybe some food? It’s lunchtime, right?”

“Scotlan, cut the bullshit okay? I know something is wrong.  You just admitted that you fucked up.  You’ve never kept anything from me and - now that I’m actually witnessing you lying - you’re a horrible, horrible liar.  I know it’s not a fucking surprise party either.  What the hell is wrong?”

I pulled open the freezer and peered around at what little food we had.  “Nothing, really.”

Anna wasn’t buying it.  “When did we get to the point where you can tell Louis your secrets but not me?” She asked quietly, but not any less calmed down.

“Anna you know it’s not like that-”

Anna scoffed at me and slapped her sides. “Obviously, it is.”

I ran my fingers through my hair and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. I took a drink and let the cool liquid run slowly down my throat into my stomach. I didn’t want to tell her the truth, but there was no point in lying anymore.  Unsure of what to say, I stayed quiet.

Anna frowned and shook her head at me. “Really, I can’t believe you.  Of all the people I feel like you could trust with anything, it would be me.” She picked up her purse from the island stool and turned to walk to the door.

“Anna wait-” I blurted.  She turned slowly, clearly pissed off, and stared me down. “Just wait, okay? Sit down? Please?”  I motioned toward the island.

She looked hesitantly at the stool and folded her arms again.

“Please,” I repeated pleadingly.

She rolled her eyes and sat on the stool, her purse still draped over her shoulder and her body still ready to run away if I changed my mind and stayed quiet.

“I don’t want to look at you when I tell you, if that’s okay,” I said.

Anna contorted her face but stayed silent. I turned my back to her and leaned against the sink. I waited a few minutes, watching water drip from the faucet before I took a deep breath.

"I’m pregnant.”

She gasped quietly behind me.  Unable to tell if it was a good gasp or a bad gasp, I gulped.

“But it’s not Harry’s.”

Anna remained silent still, so I continued.

“… It’s Louis’.”

She gasped, but a little more loudly this time.  After a second, I heard a bag hit the floor. Her purse? I turned around to face her.  It wasn’t her purse.  It was Harry’s grocery bag.

“Louis?” He barely whispered, his face full of shock. Niall stood behind him in the front doorway, clearly oblivious to what was happening.  

“How long have you been there? I didn’t even hear you come in. You got groceries? Oh good.” I walked over quickly to Harry and picked up the bag he dropped. I carried it to the island and began to unload, avoiding eye contact with everyone in the room. Harry stayed still, gazing at me with his mouth wide open.  This was not at all how I wanted him to find out.

“Louis??” Anna asked, a sharp edge to her voice.  Uh oh, I thought.  Here it comes.  I stopped my frantic unloading of the grocery bag and looked up. Both Harry and Anna’s faces were twitching with a mixture of emotions – anger, surprise, disgust, horror, confusion… everything that I was feeling too.

“You cheated on Harry?” Anna gawked.

“What?” I gasped. “No, I-”

“You cheated with Louis??” Anna articulated, standing up and raising her voice.

“Anna I didn’t-”

“How could you do this to me?!”

“I’ve slept with Louis multiple times and you never said-"  

"Why did I have to say anything?!”

“You’ve slept with Louis more than once?” Harry interjected from across the room.  My anger subsided for half of a second.

“Yes but it was before-“

“Why would you sleep with Louis if you knew I liked him??” Anna fumed.

I glared at her. “You used to fuck guys I told you I liked in college!! You would hunt them down on purpose and-”

“This is fucking different! Those were stupid crushes that didn’t matter!”

I gasped. “You don’t know that! They could have been something! Maybe one of those guys was my future husband but I wouldn’t fucking know because you fucked them before I could even-“

Anna wasn’t listening to me.  “You know how much I’ve loved Louis since-”

I erupted.  If there was anything I hated more than alarm clocks in the morning, it was being interrupted. “SINCE WHEN, ANNA? Since your first, second, or third fucking marriage?!  Stop being a hypocrite, you bitch!  You cheated on Tim with Louis!  You cheated on your first husband with Zayn!  You’ve cheated on more people than I’ve fucked!”

"Shut up!” Anna screamed.

“No!” I screeched back.  "Don’t you sit here and patronize me when I didn’t even cheat on him!“  I pointed at Harry.

“You slept with Louis?” Harry asked again as if we hadn’t established it enough already.  I could tell that he was having a hard time processing all os this.

“Yes!” I shouted, slamming my fist into the countertop. “I’ve slept with a lot of damn guys!  I told both of you before that I’d slept with Louis and neither one of you batted an eyelash!  Now that I’m pregnant you’re both angry with me!?”

“Because you cheated on Harry and slept with a guy I’m dating!”
“YOU’RE MARRIED, ANNA!”

"YOU’RE PREGNANT, SCOTLAN!” Anna yelled, coming around the island to shout in my face.

“THAT DOESN’T MEAN I CHEATED!  WE HAD SEX BEFO-”

Anna shoved me backward.  “You can’t lie to us anymore!! You’re just as bad of a liar as your father was when he told your mom he didn’t cheat on her either!”

I slapped Anna. I slapped her hard.  “That was too far and you know it!” I screamed at her.  My hand stung as it fell to my side and I watched her stumble backwards into Harry.  He dropped the other grocery bag that he was holding and caught her before she fell to the floor. I had almost forgotten he was there.  My heart was already pumping but beat harder and harder as he raised his eyes to look at me. I had never seen such hurt in a persons eyes before - especially not Harry’s.

“Harry,” I sobbed, my emotions getting the best of me. “Harry you have to believe me, I didn’t cheat. It was before we started dating. I would never-”

My heart tore into a million pieces when I watched a single tear roll down Harry’s face. He looked down at Anna. “Are you okay?” He asked her.

Anna held her hand to her face and shook her head. “I’m emotionally fucked up because we have a shitty friend.”

Her inclusion of Harry in that statement took my breath away.  We, she said. We have a shitty friend.  You and me, Harry. Scotlan is our shitty friend.  The more I stood there and watched them, the more I could see them both turning against me. Unlike other times the three of us had fought, I knew getting more emotional wouldn’t end all of this madness in a group hug.  Harry helped Anna stand up and then lifted his eyes to meet mine, his sadness gone and replaced my a hateful anger.  

Despite my attempt to hold back as many waterworks as I could, salty tears streamed down my face. I stumbled backward and gripped the sink behind me, stabilizing myself as my head spun.

“Please guys,” I croaked. “I need you.  You’re my family.  I don’t have anyone else left…”

“Well maybe you should have thought about that before you killed your mother and cheated us.”

Anna’s harsh words stabbed into my already aching heart.  Not being able to handle it anymore, I sobbed and tore past Harry, Anna, and Niall to the front door.  I wheeled out of the driveway in the Celica seconds later and stopped, looking into the driveway, hoping for one face in particular to appear.  The harder I stared, the more my vision blurred.  I began to count to ten in my head.

1-

Please come out here.

2-

I need you.

3-

I need you to chase after me.

4-

Show me you care.

5-

You have to care.

6-

I love you.

7-

You’re the only person I need to stop me-

8-

And then everything will be okay.

9-

Please, assure me that everything will be okay like you always do.

10-

But Harry never appeared.  Heartbroken, I stepped on the gas and left. 

STARTED FROM THE BOTTOM

Throwback to grade school when I spent recess in the bathroom stall because I had no friends and all the boys bullied me. Throwback to grade nine when I was back in the bathroom stall to eat my lunch because I didn’t have friends and was too embarrassed to sit alone in the cafeteria. Now, I’ve got a WONDERFUL group of girls that I met at your concerts/appearances in Toronto. Now, the world’s biggest pop star is following me on tumblr and liking my posts.

Taylor, I don’t think you understand HOW MUCH you’ve just completely flipped my life around.