eat your kids

if your husband keeps eating your kids just replace one of them with a rock and he’ll choke on it. then when that kid grows up he’ll force your husband to throw up all his brothers and sisters and use his new divine army to overthrow him and all his bullshit friends

when you and the squad all ready to go out but none of you can drive so a mom has to

I can picture it now: Every morning, I’ll give my son his breakfast, a glass of apple juice and one of those little colorful vitamins with Barney Rubble or Bamm-Bamm on it. He’ll pick up his Flintstones Chewable and say to me “Hey, Dad, why are these called Flintstones vitamins? What’s a flintstone? Are these actually just little rocks? Is that why they’re called ‘stones?’ Essentially, Dad, I’m asking just what the hell is up with these things?” And that’s when I’ll realize that to explain a “flintstone” means to describe a fifty-year-old cartoon that hasn’t been relevant for at least two decades now.

The only reason I plan on giving him Flintstones vitamins is because they’re the gold standard of kid’s vitamins. They’ve been used exclusively since Nixon was in office, and nobody has bothered to change the characters to something more pertinent. So, I’ll have to collect my thoughts and explain to my son that Flintstones are actually a family of cave people who lived like modern people only they used dinosaurs as household items. Like, sometimes a baby woolly mammoth was their vacuum, get it? All of the wildlife in the world lived in a depressed state of workforce purgatory. And there was a catchy theme song, a laugh track for some reason, and … you know what? It’s easier to just say they’re stones. Eat your goddamn stone, kid.

5 Childhood Favorites That Did Not Age Well

“Who’d smooch a gross old WEED like you, gyahaha!”

1/5

“What if we set your dad up with some date.”

“Well… he acts lonely at times, finding a proper friend would be nice regardless. But where would we find a dragon to want to go out with him?”

“Online dating, duh.”

“There’s a website specifically for dating dragons?”

“Keke, Oh Morgan, you poor innocent soul.”

According to another variation, the wolf-like beast will hunt down and kill Catholics who do not follow the rules of Lent. This coincides with the French Catholic loup-garou stories, according to which the method for turning into a werewolf is to break Lent seven years in a row. [x]” 

my feelings about actual Catholicism are weird and tangled up in family history and unpleasant school experiences, but catholic-adjacent mythology is fucking hysterical, every time.

lazypinecone  asked:

I must ask, does your NIles!Kana eat Felicia/Hinoka/Setsuna's cooking often?