ARE YOU THE TYPE WHO LIKES DIVERSE CHARACTERS IN COMICS?
BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE IT
IF YOU DO YOU SHOULD READ MOTHERFUCKING Earth 2
So why should you read Earth 2?
I’M GLAD YOU ASKED
Alright, so the first thing we learn is that in this alternate universe, this evil dude named Darkseid (Might have heard of him. You know, the biggest evil asshole in the DC universe) invades the goddamn Earth with space demons and shit and like half of everyone died.
“But wait!” says you, the convenient representation of the readers, “This is a comic book! Where’s the superheroes?” WOO BOY HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS
Technically,they’re called Wonders in this place. Why? Cause motherfucking Wonder Woman showed up first and she gets to pick the names, dammit. So what does the classic dream team of Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman go and fuck shit up, but these demon assholes keep coming back like the world’s worst fucking boomerang. So what do our fair heroes do?
THEY BLOW SHIT UP, THAT’S WHAT.
Yeah, that’s right, the Super-Trinity blows the fuck up saving the earth and kicking ass, because that’s how you go out.
So this leaves the space demons stranded, the Wonders of the World dead, and their sidekicks- Supergirl/Power Girl, aka Kara Zor-El, and Robin/Huntress aka HELENA FUCKING WAYNE get sent to the main earth and work their way back to kick ass.
So years later when shit starts to get real again, who comes back? The motherfucking Wonders, bitches.
So, these guys are based on the superheroes from the 40s except cooler, right? These motherfuckers are OGs. So who do we have?
EXAMPLE ONE!JAY MOTHERFUCKING GARRICK, also known as THE FLASH, BITCHES
So Jay Garrick is a recent college student who hasn’t got shit to do. Sounds like a lot of us, right? But then he gets fucking super speed from none other than MERCURY, THE ROMAN GOD. Because what the hell is cooler than literal godspeed?
“But Tyler!” you say once more, “didn’t you say there was diversity? This is basically the same as most superheroes!”
WELL LET ME SHOW YOU THE GUYS AND GALS HE HANGS OUT WITH
EXAMPLE TWO, ALAN SCOTT: THE ORIGINAL GREEN LANTERN
So you remember that one movie a few years ago with Hal Jordan that did shit at the box office? Or the Justice League cartoon with John Stewart who was badass? Yeah, those two are cool, but this is ALAN MOTHERFUCKING SCOTT.
So, Scott’s a lot like ‘ole Bruce Wayne. He’s rich and owns a TV station and shit, lives the good life. He’s also fucking adorable with his boyfriend:
LOOK AT THESE TWO ADORABLE LIL SHITS. ALAN’S POWER RING IS EVEN THEIR ENGAGEMENT RING AND ITS GREAT EXCEPT NOT BECAUSE PLOT EVENTS.
So yeah, we’ve got your stereotypical white guy and gay guy, pretty cool. But just you fuckin’ wait, it gets cooler the farther you go.
ON TO KENDRA MUNOZ-SAUNDERS, THE LATINA FUCKING HAWKGIRL
YEP, THAT’ RIGHT. Kendra motherfucking Munoz-Saunders is the Latina Hawkgirl with honest-to-god wings and guns akimbo, bitches. She’s also cool as a fuckin’ cucumber and takes absolutely no shit. Two avatars of nature duking it out? Like she gives a fuck.
That’s not even the half of it. Next we have a personal favorite, KHALID BEN-HASSIN, DOCTOR FATE.
LOOK AT THIS ADORABLE DORK. Khalid Ben-Hassin is an Arabic archaeologist who together with Kendra found the HELM OF KICKASS, OR NABU IF YOU WANT TO BE SERIOUS. Khalid puts that baby on and gets magic powers out the ass, man. Reality? FUCK THAT NOISE.
Not only is Khalid an awesome representation of an Arabic superhero who doubles as my smol son, he’s technically mentally ill: after using the Helm, he has short bouts of insanity, trying to process the SHEER AMAZING OF FATE
MOVING RIGHT ALONG, WE’VE GOT POWERGIRL AND HUNTRESS, KARA ZOR-EL AND HELENA WAYNE, ALSO KNOWN AS THE BADDEST BITCHES AROUND
These two get sent over to regular earth when they and their families fuckin’ wreck Darkseid and his demon shits. So what do they do? They motherfucking get right back, because they’ve got shit to do. Kara isn’t the only supergod around either, because we’ve got…
VAL-ZOD, THE BLACK SUPERMAN
VAL-ZOD IS THE COOLEST MOTHERFUCKER AROUND, WHICH IS HIS HOBBY WHEN HE ISN’T EITHER BEING BETTER THAN KAL-EL OR BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF KAL-EL.
Val was also besties with Kara on Krypton, and they KICK ASS TOGETHER.
AND THAT ISN’T EVEN THE HALF OF IT. We’ve got ROBO-LOIS LANE AS RED FUCKING TORNADO, the black-ops team of the World Army, the SANDMEN lead by the SANDMAN HIMSELF. You’ve got SONIA SATO, WHO WILL KICK YOUR ASS BACKWARDS, MOTHERFUCKING AQUAWOMAN, and resident Commander-in-Badass COMMANDER AMAR KHAN, or THE ONLY SANE SON OF A BITCH IN THE ENTIRE WORLD ARMY.
You guys know how much I love BatCat and how I love this panel. Finally, we see our ship as a happily married couple, enjoying a sensual and healthy sex life, finding a safe haven in each other’s arms.
But let me pick this panel apart just for one second because, all sexiness and fulfilled shipper hopes aside, I still have some questions.
1. The Batman cowl is a nice detail. They’re either into role-play (as expected) or went straight from the cave up to their room (probably kissing and undressing in the process). Knowing that Bruce has no problem with walking around the mansion in costume later (he enters Helena’s room still wearing the uniform), it could be either… But I wanna know which one! ;-)
2. Why is Selina still wearing a top?! Wouldn’t she tear it off in the throes of passion? Or have Bruce rip it open?
3. What the flippity flop did they do?! What was their last position when they’ve ended up lying like this?!
4. Just how large is that bed that they both can lie like this?